I guess I need a nonbiased sounding board, so this is it.
I met my husband on the internet almost 11 years ago. We were both married (yea I know) He was in the United States and I was here in Ontario. I wasn’t looking for anything outside my marriage…. but my marriage was not a bed of roses. (I’m not going to go on and on and give you the history of my other life. Because as I see it now, there was no excuse to end my marriage the way I did)
How does that saying go “hindsight is 20/20?” Well, I always tell people I have the smartest [censored] in town!
When I first started chatting with (my now new husband) I found him to be funny and somewhat charming. (I should have seen it coming) after talking to him on (ICQ) I don’t know if there are any “old timers” out there that remember that chat program. He asked me to call him on the phone. I was a little shocked but I have to admit a little intrigued as well. So when the coast was clear I called him. I had mixed feelings at that time, and I was a little worried about my phone bill (couldn’t let my husband know that I was chatting with some strange person from the US) so I asked him to call me (yea first mistake) I gave him my “home” number, and he did a little thing called “reverse look up” (I was very new to the internet and not aware of all the different utilities that were floating around out there) I gave him a fake city (same prefix) so he wouldn’t catch on “yea, right” So the next night while I was chatting with him on ICQ he promptly said “I know where you live….” I said “WHAT, HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT” so he went on to explain how he went about it. (#1 Clue) at that point I told him that it was best not to chat or call each other again and left it at that. Well the next day I checked my email and there was a 2 page letter telling me how sorry he was, that he was not a “creep” that I had nothing to worry about, that he finally met a “wonderful woman” (me) and he screwed it up. And to please give him another chance to prove that he was not some kind of freak or ax murder. So after mulling it over for a while I decided “to give him a chance” (gawd why didn’t someone slap in the forehead and say I should have a V8) But…then again, I don’t think I was have listened, I was so miserable in my marriage (my husband was abusive) that to have a man say “nice” things to me was “WOW” out of this world!! I felt like a person again. (Someone actually wanted to hear what I had to say….AND not only that, they seemed interested… I mean “really interested”) I stepped a little lighter I smiled a little more etc… (Keep in mind, neither of us knew what each other looked like. YET) so we continued our chats and phone calls. Somewhere in the middle of all that chatting I told him I used to be in a band and that I sing and write poetry and “Try” to write songs…(I’m not that good) so he talked me into sending him a sample… So I sent him my most intimate poem/sonnet/short story thing. (I call it his blue print) Because everything I had written about i.e. Love, romance, sex, etc… he personified my “dream man” (yea right) this seems a little like a novel doesn’t it?
Well I’m going to post this…and if it’s too long I will shorten it “cut to the chase” sort to speak.

We finally managed to exchange pictures, apparently he liked what he saw (“me” not so much) but by this point I was totally taken with him. What I liked about him is that he also had a way with words. The more we got to know each other the more grew on me. We arranged to meet in a different town (he came to Canada on business) when I saw him I liked him. We spent the day together down by the lake. The day went on like one of those romance novels. It was wonderful. He had me hook line and sinker! I was afraid to kiss him but when I did he had the softest sweetest kiss ever! I was in love!
Things progressed pretty quickly. We started talking in May of 99, by Sept of 2000 I left my husband, my house… the only thing I took with me (materially) was my furniture. Of course my children went with me. I gave my ex everything. I bought a little house for myself and my children. And my new American man moved in on Feb of 01.
Well let’s see…. He didn’t have a job…. But he had dependents in the US. When he did get a job he was bring in less than was he was sending his ex in the US. For example he was making 2000$ a month (Canadian) and sent his ex 1200 US EVERY month! He ran up my visa bill to the max, ran my van into the ground. Destroyed my credit to say the least….Oh…. all with the promise that he would make things right again.

His got a better possession at work so he now had an expense account that he took full advantage of. But the money was still lacking, bills were not being paid on time etc….. Yes I still loved him (rolling eyes)
However I had a sneaking suspicion that he was up to no good. Spending 200 hundred dollars on lunches for “clients” didn’t quite cut it for me. The suspicion grew and grew. (Oh I forgot to mention that he was a sex addict) I didn’t know it at the time. It was a bit of a novelty to me since my ex and I had sex maybe 3 times a year! This was a cool change. To an extent, it got to be a little odd when he HAD to have sex 5, 6 sometimes 10 times a day. (I kid you not!) He would try and have sex with me when I was on the phone talking to my friends, my mother…it didn’t matter. And he loved to have sex out in the open. (Come on, I like adventure, but not to the extent that he did) But I went along with it for a while, I figured that the “newness” would ware off soon. (I hoped) and it did. But it happened WAY TOO FAST! So as time went on I got a little computer savvy and found this wonderful little program call “Ghost Key Logger”

When I put the logger on his computer I found out that he was on a dating site. His password was saved in this program so I was able to go on his profile and see what he’d been up too. I found a correspondence between him and some woman from Huntsville Ont. He gave her his cell phone number and offered to have her to his hotel for breakfast. And proceeded to tell her how good he was at pleasing a woman. I felt like someone dropped a bucket of cold water down my back. I didn’t know if I should scream or cry, honestly I didn’t know what to do. I was devastated. I called him and told him what I found. I packed his clothes and threw them in the garage. He came home and cried, telling me that he was sorry, that nothing ever came of it. He would never do it again. He’s 6’5 ok… so to see a man his size cry on my lap touched me. I was so in love with him that I wanted to believe every word he said! I gave him another chance. I asked him if he would show me his email. He was a little hesitant but did it just the same. And behold an email for this woman called “Janet” I can’t remember what it said, but I remember she signed it… “Warm hugs and wet kisses” I flipped! I slapped his arm and ran into our bedroom… He came up behind me and ripped the closet door off and threw it at me. He missed. That was a side of him I never thought I witness. After everything cooled down we talked. He said sorry and that it would never happen again. That the email I read what the ruminant of the conversation he had had with her during the first contact. I wanted to believe him therefore I allowed myself to be talked into it. After all he could be telling me the truth. A short time after that we started getting phone calls; every time I picked up they would hang up (typical) I asked him if he had given out our home number. He swore up and down that he had not. (I still that that logger on his computer) I decided to check, and sure enough, he had written this Janet person and said... “Look it, my wife found my passwords to my email so if it’s you calling the house please stop. My cell number is blah blah) I felt like an idiot for believing that he was telling me the truth. And yes like a horses backside I believe him when he said he was sorry… “I’ll never do it again honey, it was a moment of weakness and stupidity” As time went on things were ok… but they were never “really ok” some people call it bull when they hear a woman say “you just know there is something going on” I knew! I felt it every time he looked at me, the way he talked to me, the way he touched me… everything had changed! Even my friends noticed that something about him was different. I’m great at pretending and lying to myself so I ignored it. I wanted to have this “fairytale” life where love was real between a husband and wife! I wanted it more then you can imagine! So I was suckered in AGAIN, and AGAIN and AGAIN. If you guys think I’m an idiot now wait till you read on. (Please be nice, it’s painful to put this crap in print, especially out here where any tom [censored] or harry can read it and sit in judgment of me)
I forgot to mention we were not married YET. Even after all this crap I decided to marry him. For one I was afraid that he was going to get deported back to the US… believe me you have no idea what kind of crap was going through my mind at that time. (Oh one point to add… I was a very independent woman… I had just left my band, I was a volunteer for our local youth group in our area, and I organized this thing called a “Y” over. We had arranged for 40 kids and about 15 adults to have an all nighters for the kids… I was in charge of setting up activities for them. I had a friend that had a black belt in karate to come and give the kids a “self defense” lesson… the list is long. So some might say that I had a responsible head on my shoulders…) one thing I will mention just to give you the kind of mind set that I was living under with this man. Keep in mind he is 6’5 I’m 5’8 give or take an inch. I have claustrophobia, so what he would do is (when we wrestled) he would wrap me up in the blanket and hold me till I would scream bloody murder. He would whisper in my ear “settle down quit fighting it” I would scratch and claw at him, I would go nuts! He would finally let me go when I started to cry. After he let me go he would say... “Man you are stubborn, I’m gonna break you of that one day”
What a mind game!!!

His job called for him to stay out of town quite a bit. He would stay out about 3 days a week. I got sick of it. We decided to sell my house and buy one closer to Toronto since the majority of his business was in that area any way, and it would mean that he wouldn’t have to say away as often, and I was ok with that. My eldest daughter and I started house hunting, I fell in love with a house about 40 min from the GTA.
We moved in May, 2004. Things were progressively getting worse. There is so much that happened in-between if I had to write down every painful detail this would be a novel.
One night he and I were alone my daughter was in university my son was in college and my youngest child was visiting her father. We had a bit too much to drink (well I did) merlot and I don’t mix! We had a rather pleasant evening, made dinner together, it was romantic. I plainly asked him if he had cheated on me. He finally admitted that he had… “I was shocked to hear him admit it!” “I mean, I knew it in my heart, but to hear him say it cut me like a knife” He went on to say that he had been sleeping with hookers! “I threw up, literally” you know that glow you have when you have a few glasses of wine? Well, mine was “gone instantly,” almost as though I took a magic sober pill or something like that. Needless to say I cried my eyes out. So much went through my mind at that moment like STD’s ADIS all this went through my mind in an instant I swear! No matter how much you tell yourself that you’re ready to hear the truth… you find that in that moment like this nothing can really prepare you for that initial shock.
After all the crying and screaming and yelling and the “how could you’s and you promised” passed… I was still crying quietly while
He slept like a rock beside me. I suppose I expected him to cry along with me or to say… I don’t know what….but say something to make me feel better! HE SLEPT! So soundly that he was snoring! I couldn’t believe it! (Or could I? I don’t even know)
The next day he had to run out for a bit…I had way too much time to stew; I got into the wine again. I had 2 glasses. He came home. I was upstairs on the computer just staring at the screen. He came in and said hi. I said we needed to talk. He came into the computer room and sat down. I asked him, “how could you do it?” what did I do to drive you to do that? (I know it’s not my fault…but at the time I blamed myself for it all)

I swear my life sounds like a horrible “G” movie!
His reply was… “Get over it” I was infuriated and hurt that he would say that. I yelled at him, he tried to walk away I stood in front of him. He pushed me out of the way without much trouble. He put on his leather jacket. And while he was bending down to put on his boots I slapped his back. (Thick leather jacket….5’8 versus 6’5) he didn’t feel a darn thing. He turned around with boots in hand and kind of backhanded me with his boot. He cut open my nose I was bleeding so I ran upstairs and called 911. The police came…and guess what….I was arrested! Why? Because he was trying to leave and I was the first one to strike out. (Gotta love the small town mentality of police around here!) They took me to jail…I spent 5 hrs in this tiny holding room, or whatever you call it. They told me that we couldn’t be in the same house together. My parents live 3 hrs from here. They called him and he assured them that he would leave. They brought me home to an empty house…I felt beaten, abused numb. I won’t go into the all the details with regard to that.

Yes I stayed with him. Oh my goodness you know something…as I read what I’m posting I feel like a total idiot. The moral of the story is…. its 2009 and I am still with him… he said he would stop all his fooling around but has yet to do so. As time goes by I feel more and more trapped, alone, scared and lost! I gave this man so much of myself that I don’t even feel like a real person anymore. I know what I sound like… I don’t need any smart*ss telling me that I need to see a doctor! I could go on and on... I hired PI's... I put a GPS in his car... I put a digital recorder in his suitcase. The PI never found anything because my husband is on the road so much and 15 cents a KM adds up. He just came back from one of his “trips” and I have him on tape calling an escort to his room. He doesn’t know about that because I have so much to work out before I tell him I want a divorce. I’m scared out of my wits. I’m angry with myself for becoming so weak. Allowing him to take over my life the way he has. I gave him all the power…and now I feel as though I have nothing left to build up from. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I feel like I’m losing my mind half the time.
Maybe I have the answer…I guess I just don’t have the courage!

You married your affair partner and are now surprised that he cheated on you?

Divorce him and don't look back.

Then beg your first husband's forgiveness for cheating on him and ripping his children away from him.

I have made peace with my ex. I'm not going to defend what I did! Just to make this clear. I had never cheated on my husband before. My ex was cheating on me with my best friend. Not that it's an excuse because it's not! And I wish that a divorce was as easy as you say.

Hi Adia, you will get many "come to Jesus" talks about the infidelity on your part, LOL! But that is not your biggest problem at this point.

Your biggest problem is that you are (IMO) now in the clutches of a total user. He uses people for sex, he uses them for money and anything else that he needs.

He does not love you. He probably does not love anyone, except his big juicy self. When he has squeezed all the "use" out of you, out the door he will go.

He is dangerous. He has already laid hands on you and knows how to game the system so that you will pay when you hit him, but he will not when he hits you. So he's done this before.

Divorce is hard, but death is harder. Get out, figure out why you keep getting into abusive relationships and don't give this guy your forwarding address.

Seriously.

Just to give you an idea of the type of “mind games” he played
-- he had me convinced that I was suffering from schizophrenia. I went to my doctor and told her that I thought that that was I had. She sent me to see a psychiatrist. It was a month before I could get into see him. When I did, he asked me what “I” thought my problem was. So I told him. He preceded to tell me that to make such a diagnosis would take 6 month. I was fine with that! Frankly if I was suffering from such a thing then of course I want to get help. I saw him for 1 year and a half. He put me on so many different types of medications that I felt like a walking advertisement for all the major pharmaceuticals companies. I felt like a guinea. I gained 35 lbs. So now 'not only did I think I was nuts,' I looked horrible to top it off. It did wonders for my self-esteem.
After every visit I felt like hell. I would walk out of there feeling as though there wasn't any hope for me.
Every visit was the same old crap rehashing things over and over again. To cut a long story short. He weaned me off the meds 'slowly.' (I’m still on a small dose of antidepressants) he asked me if I knew what schizophrenia was. He told me that people like 'him and I build castles in the air' A person that has schizophrenia lives in them. He assured me that I didnt fit the bill. He decided that I really didn’t need to come in week after week to rehash my wonderful married life, but he suggested that I continue with my meds and allow my GP to monitor them. I agreed. Before I left the office he said “my name” I have one more prescription for you to try. I said ‘ok’ he hands me prescription paper with the word DIVORCE written on it. When I first looked at it I though ‘what kind of med is this..?’ (I was prepared to see some weird medication written there) so it took me a sec to register. I laughed and cried at the same time. How’s that for crazy? So I know that leaving him is the answer. And he is sucking the life out of me! That I know.
I just dont know how to do it!

In case you missed the title, this is a Marriage Building site. You should go on over to gloryb.com or to a divorce site to get help on how to divorce your OM/husband.

You just answered your own question...

"I know that leaving him is the answer. And he is sucking the life out of me! That I know.
I just dont know how to do it!"

You do know how to do it. You said kids are in college. You are able to leave. If need be go to your parents house to get yourself on your feet.

Not only is it bad that you were/are a FWW/BS but your OM/WH has issues. Not just the addiction to sex but abuse.

One thing that you do have to admit is you did cheat on your ex. Even though he cheated on you with your bf you had a EA that turned PA on your ex. Then went on to marry your OM and that right there was red flags all over. Because affair partners are more likely to cheat on each other in the future.

Wow. The karma bus certainly hit you hard.

You need to ditch that guy and never look back. Oh, and get yourself tested for every disease known to man. Who knows what that sicko has been exposed to.