Blew up at H yesterday after finding out he had went to see OW and did not turn off my slow cooker--found out from oldest son that H was not home when he got there from school and my meal was way over cooked..called OW names and told H to pack up and go if he was going to continue to see her..He said okay..

I know he won't go anywhere and is just waiting for it to blow over like it normally does after a couple of weeks but I am not going to give in this time...

although I cook for the family, I will not be fixing him a plate, will not make his lunch for work, do his laundry or continue to have sex with him...I gotta find my self respect...

I have read the 180 list and am going to start implementing it--I actually did last night by not fixing him a plate or making his lunch...I also know the 180 is to make you stronger as well as try to get them out of the fog...But I know that he is going to view my actions as being mad at him and as a way of getting back at him and he will probably just do the 180 on me..How do I respond? what do I do?

Also--how do I do Plan A? I have read it but don't know what to do. Especially since I blew up at him. Plan B is not an option as we can not S or D right now due to finances/economy...

My normal routine is to be nice to him, not rock the boat, not bring up A and keep things as normal as possible hoping to save my M--not working. Time for a 180....

Thanks for the help

In my view, they come in order. Plan A, Plan 180, Pland B and, finally, Plan D.

Don't ever threaten if he knows you won't follow through. It makes you weaker.

I did use the 180 but only after a few weeks of my best Plan A.

From what I sense in your post, a 180 would be bad for you right now.

Plan A is your first best defense.

How do I do Plan A? I have read but it doesn't tell you what to do..I have asked my H to stop A..after 3+ years of False Recovery, lies, he is still doing it and now he doesn't answer questions, refuses to answer questions cause that's where he gets caught in his lies...
I can't afford to move and either can he...

I thought Plan A was being nice to him, meeting his needs, giving him time while asking him to stop A..I have done that but he continues...

I am trying not to be a fool here..nothing I have done so far works and he is getting his cake and eating it too..

I guess I just don't understand....

I am also new here--what is Plan D?
Thanks

This is new information. So you have been tolerating his cheating for 3+ years. Finances are in his favor.

So he know he can cheat. Apparently he likes to cheat. And there is nothing you can do about it.

You have a tough row to hoe.

Can you give more detail? Have you tried exposure?

Plan D is divorce.

She is D so exposure to her ex is not an option..I have exposed to workplace as all 3 of us work at the same place but H and OW work nights--I work days..They can not do anything as this is not happening at work and they work for different depts/supervisors..

No this is not new to me and I feel that I have been very tolerating as sickening as that is because I don't want to break up my family..he was remorseful in the beginning wanted to do whatever to make it work..now he doesn't care...

I haven't tried any of the MB plans or 180 but need to try something different if anything just to shake things up..as he does not put much stock in my threats as I have not followed thru. I am scared, just turned 50 and did not plan this for my life..I have a 19 yr old son who is in his first year of college and he knows about his dad's A and a 8 yr old soon to be 9 who knows nothing...I feel like I am stuck as the attorney said I can leave but finances and house situation will not be good as I am just as responsible for bills/house as he is...we could sell but I am sure you all know that is not good now..these are not excuses, just reality right now..he feels just as stuck as well..but he has made no move to leave. My friends say if he really wanted a D and leave his family he would...just don't know anymore....

Thanks

Why should he leave? You are fulfilling his DS needs and OW is filling other needs. He is cake eating. You need to get familiar with the MB concepts and put them into action.

Hi Toni,

I'm sorry that you are here. So, your H and OW have been having an A for 3 years?
Well, you need to figure out what you're going to do about it. What have you done in the past to try to get him to end it? Some decisions are going to have to be made by you. Decisions about where you want your life to go. It's going to be hard, either way, but you seem to be in a kind of limbo at the moment.

I would suggest reading as much as possible on here and getting familiar with everything that Dr. Harley proposes. That would be your first step.

Okay, I have read Plan A but don't understand what to do. It seems like I have done that already, right? I will read more but don't quite understand how to go about implementing Plan A...Is Plan A even an option at this point?
Thanks for the support!

When you go to Plan B, a big part of that is knowing that THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

We did not have the "money" for one of us to move either...but you know what? THAT WAS NOT MY PROBLEM.

You want some self-respect back? Then stop being a DOORMAT, expose this affair and kick his *ss out. You've known for THREE YEARS and you are still dealing with this???

WTF?!?! I cannot imagine.

You just described the CARROT of Plan A.

There is also the STICK of Plan A, which means massive, nuclear EXPOSURE in your case.

Does everyone who matters know about this A?

~WH's family
~your family
~friends
~OW's H (if she is married)
~OW's family
~co-workers, if they work together
~any mutual friends of theirs.

This is how you END the A. "Asking" him to end it will NEVER WORK, as you have experienced.

He is a major cake-eater and you are allowing it.

So, they aren't using company email or phones to conduct their A? They aren't using ANY compay time??? I highly doubt that.

This is a sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen. Have you got WAY up the managerial ladder? How about to the VP? I doubt he would be ok with this happening in his company, on company time, with YOU working there as well.



Well then follow through with getting a Legal Separation Agreement. That should help you out financially.


No, these are absolutely excuses. We did not have the money EITHER to separate but that was not my problem...there was no way in h*ll I was going to tolerate that sort of abuse and blatant disrespect. NO. WAY.


Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free??? For crying out loud, he has an AWESOME deal right now!!

~his finances have not been hurt one bit
~he gets to bang two women. When he gets tired of one, he'll move on over to the other one for a few days...back and forth. Sweet deal!
~he gets to have two women meet his Emotional Needs (ENs). Who would want to give THAT up?
~he gets his cake and eats it too...WHOOHOO!!!

Now why in the world would he be motivated to change any of this???

How has "being nice to him" for three years worked out for you???

If Plan A for THREE YEARS hasn't worked hon, it isn't likely to.

You need Plan B and FAST.

Okay I understand the Plan B--here is what I am dealing with financially per consultation with D Lawyer
Scenerio 1--
I get a legal separation--he moves out.
even with child support, I can not afford the mortgage on my own.
Scenerio 2--
I get a legal separation--I move out.
With him paying child support, I can afford a place of my own. However he can not afford the house on his own. The mortgage company will then go after me to help pay the mortgage because he won't be able to pay all of it and my name is also on the loan. I will not be able to do it.
House goes into foreclosure!
Scenerio 3--One of us buys each other out..we've tried and can't do it.
Scenerio 4--Put house up for sale. Right now we can only get what we owe since we have lost almost all equity..walk away empty handed if it sells!

Which scenerio would you pick??

ABC did a special a few months back on couples who wanted to divorce but couldn't financially afford it due to the economy. They also featured some couples who did get divorced but continued to live together due to housing crisis and not being able to sell their home and/or the possibility of selling and not making a dime on it...

Again--not making excuses but this is the reality right now. I no longer want to deal with my situation so the questions are--Am I willing to risk me and my kids financial future? Am I willing to throw away 11 years of investment in my house and walk away with nothing?
These are the questions I am asking myself...

Toni --

I know you won't believe this -- but you ARE making excuses.

A house is just a house. And I think you need to accept the fact that due to your husbands choices you are likely to lose it.
I think you need to rant, and kick, and be angry about how unfair that is -- but you need to get to a point of ACCEPTANCE of that fact.

Grieve the loss. Then get on with your plan.

You really aren't risking your financial future. What future? You have an asset that is worth exactly what you owe. No equity.
And that is not likely to change because of the bad economy. Yep -- you invested 11 years, and are left with nothing -- but that has happened to everyone else too - not because of the affair, but because of the bad economy.

I'm in the same boat. I worked my butt off to save my downpayment and get into my house. My house is now worth 100K less than what I owe. I'm stuck. I can't sell it and I can't afford it.

And its not fair and it sucks. However -- you have to get past it. I would say that a combination of 2 and 4 is likely your best option.

You're still in Plan A right??
1. Get a legal separation, and financial protection for child support. Explain to your husband that you are filing for a legal separation -- not divorce, because you don't want a divorce.
2. Talk to your husband about putting the house on the market.
(honestly I think you actually TAKING those steps will start to blow some fog away. Imagine his shock that you're DOING something! Plus he will start to realize how DIRE his own financial picture is looking.)
3. Find a new place for you and the kids.
4. Start looking FORWARD to a life free of this stress!