Just pessimistic I guess. Can't see past all of the hurt and lies.

She's given me access to her cell phone records, which show that no contact was broken by him last week. That's about it, but she could use other phones if she wanted.

Hi Arkhawk

IS your W fully on board with MB stuff. Would she be willing to post?

Well, we kinda got into a little argument yesterday when I saw the cell phone records and realized that she had lied about not telling me that he called her. She said that she is in a much better place and is putting it behind her but she didnt want to talk about it because it brought up those feelings.

She said she is committed to the marriage, however, she clams up if I ask about what we should do to work on it. So I don't know if she is ready to post or not. Really frustrated because her actions dont match her words. And I still think she is hiding things.

arkhawk,

She is most certainly still hiding things. They all do. Top priority now is maintaining no contact with OM. You cannot begin recovery until that has happened, and he has obviously not given up yet. Until NC is firmly established, your wife will NOT talk about the affair. She is still caught in it, even though she may be trying to extricate herself. Doesn't happen overnight.

Have you exposed to his wife/family? Someone needs to be watching him from his side, as you monitor what your wife is doing.

RHW

I think both are trying to end it. For a while, she was the one calling, but she hasn't done that for 3 weeks, which is why she said she was feeling better about it, plus there were a lot of people talking about it which kind of woke her up a little.

His wife checks on him a lot, but he calls from his work phone which I assume she can't check.

A lot of days it feels like trying to love the wall.

I don't know if this would be of any help but just reading about the cell phone made me think of this...my husband made me get rid of my cell phone and get another one with a different #, etc. and then periodically, he would switch the phones...mine with his. This is just a suggestion.

Well, I guess I really just want her to commit to no contact. She is pretty weak in resisting. Only 10 days since no contact that I know of. I'm trying to be the best husband possible, but it's pretty obvious she's in withdrawal (she just says she's tired). Guess that's all I can do for now until she gets through it.

OW was hounding my H after he broke it off with her.

Dr Harley advised (through our MB weekend followup counselor) that I ask my H to swap cell phones with me.

You cannot imagine my relief when he agreed to do that. Made me know he didn't want to take those calls! When she called, I never answered, but listened to the VMs she left. She was pining for him, but he NEVER got those messages.

Try it.

I'm more worried about her calling now. Now that I have her cell phone, she can just tell him to call her at work from work.

Somedays I want to believe her, when she says its over, she's in a better place, its behind her and she wants to move forward. But she is doing very little to try and make amends and I still see some fog and some depression.

I want total reconciliation now, which I know isnt possible, but all the nice things I do go unnoticed, and lead to LBs (mopey attitude mainly).

Then she says things like I'm committed to making the marriage work, but I don't think I could ever be physical with you again because I'm not in love with you. Frustrating.

You can't make it impossible for her to contact OM. You can only help her through withdrawal by making it difficult. I am not a veteran here but things do get better. Keep meeting her needs and eliminate the lovebusters. Give it time to work. She won't want to do much until she starts to come out of withdrawal. No contact is essential. The fogbabble is extremely painful to listen to. Try to remember that she is not thinking straight yet. Don't believe her about not being in love with you. Most WS say that in the beginning. My husband would tell me that he was not attracted to me one minute and then not remember ever saying it as he was jumping my bones daily. He was all over the place. It does get better.

Well, I'm certainly glad I found this site. The education is invaluable, as my wife exhibits some of the textbook behavior. Before I found this site, the fogbabble had me feeling so hopeless (and worthless) that I was ready to give up.

Like I said, she has moved from wanting a divorce to wanting to work on friendship to wanting to work on our marriage so I am glad I've stuck it out so far. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with a lot of fogbabble and withdrawal symptoms for a long time to come, not to mention doubting the no contact every day. If all works out, then it will be worth it - but that is still very hard to see at this point.

arkhawk,

You WILL be doing all the heavy lifting for a while. Right now, it's because of withdrawal. If she makes contact with OW, she will seem "happier" for it--that will be a sign you might see if NC is broken. Let us know if that happens.

If she holds out, and gets past withdrawal, you will STILL be doing the heavy lifting for a while, because she will not be in love with you yet. She will say discouraging things, things that make you feel hopeless and make you want to throw in the towel. Come here instead.

It may take a few months of your improved behavior (eliminating love busters and meeting her ENs without any payback) before you get anything like a response you want, but just stay the course.

Took me about 6 months of that (and I can't even remember how many "I'm dones") before the clouds started to part and WH started behaving like someone who actually cared about me.

This is all very mysterious to a BS, but it seems there is a path WSs take from wayward to "former wayward." Taxes your soul. Probably theirs too, although they often can't/won't explain how to you.

Doesn't matter. The cure is following MB principles, whether they SEEM to be working or not. You know how medicine often works...some take a while to kick in. This is one of those.

Stay tough. Check in from time to time. We're always here.

Right Here Waiting

Thanks for the encouragement.

Have had some interesting conversations lately with her.
She told me that she is done with him and told him that about a month ago. Although he called her 2 weeks ago, saying he missed her and all that crap. She told him not to call anymore, at least that is what she told me.

The difference came right after that when she told me she wanted to commit to the marriage (although she isn't in love with me, and quite frankly hasn't done anything yet to prove she is committed). She did say she was sorry for all the lies and that she would tell me the truth from now on.

She said she was in a much better place now. The affair blinded her and consumed her thoughts. She said I was 10x the man he was (which is totally different than what I've been hearing) and she said she was in a dark place and said a lot of things she didn't mean. She didn't want to talk about it anymore because it made her sad. She said it would take a lot of baby steps to recover.

We have spent some nice time together as friends over the past 2 weeks - still no affection from her, though. She occasionally says things that are fog-like. I sense that she does still have some feelings for him due to her being quiet and withdrawn at times.

I do see progress, but I get so frustrated that things aren't moving faster. If I just knew that she would love me again in time, I'd be ok. But she is so pessimistic about that, almost like she is committing to the marriage because she has to.

I made a list of why I should stay married and why I should leave to compare. The leaving part had more things listed, but the staying part had more important things.

I read through SAA again. Thought about asking her to read it, but probably won't for a while.

Thanks for listening.

Wow, 6 months. Was he at least trying during that time? Did it just click with him one day?

I glad things are going your way!!

I would tell your wife "If there was any doubt in your mind how much I love you.....after all this....and I am still here at your side...there should be no longer any doubt!!!"

That should be good for at least a few ounces in her love bank!!

Thanks, I do see progress but it's hard to feel like things are going my way when I sense great confusion with her, and she still is not in love with me.

I really hope that Love Bank thing works.

Is it normal for a spouse to start coming out of the fog and say that they are ready to give the marriage another try. Then really not do anything or act like they want to. She says she has no positive feelings for OM but does think about the whole thing sometimes. Says our issues came before that happened. Kinda discouraged that she avoids the marriage topic and doesn't show much effort.

How long did it take for a WS to come out of the "fog". My H has left and says what he has with the OW is "real", different than anything we ever had. I am trying Plan A, have ordered the book about affairs, but I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing. I am afraid things will never be better!!

My wife started her affair in October 08. Told me she wanted a divorce in Jan 09. The next month was very tough, she couldn't even be in the same room with me. Then I found out about the OM in Feb. She tried to end it then but broke NC several times. At this time she told me she wanted to work on being friends, but not the marriage - I thought that was good at the time, but now know it was just a way to keep me from taking the kids.

His wife and others in the town found out and started spreading rumors. That kind of woke her up a little. She started being honest with me, he has continued to lie. He committed some major love busters trying to cover his rear which leads her to say she has no positive feelings for him now (I'm not sure I believe all of that).

Of course she says she is not in love w/me either and hasn't done anything to work towards building anything with me. I'm not sure if this is symptoms of withdrawal, if this is how she felt before the affair, or if there is still a little fog.

My wife told me the same things your husband said. That she never loved me, we never built a relationship (which was partially true), that the OM was perfect and her soulmate. Now she says she doesn't like him and I am 10 times the man he is.

It wasn't until after no contact was in place and she had decided it was over that the fog started to lift. However, I do see some of it come back occasionally, it's only been about 2-3 weeks for me.