Cat, I'm running out the door to work but wanted to tell you that when I make statements like this my counselor always says 'what is stopping you from doing that now? Just do it. Your family will survive.'

Think about it. You CAN eat the foods you want. You CAN watch the shows you want. You CAN choose how to spend your time. Don't worry about your husband's reaction. Just do it.

-end of pep talk-

Thanks MJB. I know I can do it, but it's a constant struggle, you know? I think eventually I could get to that place, but right now if I did such things there would be a LOT of change back! behavior because they are simply not used to me putting myself first. So in the meantime, at least with H, he sees it as being selfish.

So I have to steel myself to deal with him when I do.

Thanks, happy. I'll have to think about what I can do.

ears, you are kind of right about the growth spurt. The reason this was so bad for me is that the anniversary is a sore spot for me, because I have a long history of him forgetting it, which I equate to forgetting about me; it's the same way with my birthday - he's just so wrapped up in himself that he has no time left to think about me.

I've tried reminding him ahead of time, and then I feel like if I hadn't said anything he wouldn't have remembered, so it's like a pity acknowledgment. I've tried NOT reminding him, and it's a 50/50 chance he will remember, so I either feel remembered and good or I end up feeling sorry for myself. And I've tried getting him something anyway and giving it to him, like this time, at which point he gets the deer in the headlights look and scrambles to come up with an excuse for why there's no present (or even card) for me; and then I feel even worse, because I feel like I'm begging for a present.

We had thought it was the 12th for years and years, until our church moved and they had the old marriage records out and we found out it was actually on the 11th! So I gave him his candy and card Saturday. It was in a basket, so when he came in from washing and waxing the cars for 4 hours (instead of the plans we had agreed on, big surprise) and saw it, he asked me why I gave him an Easter basket; I just sighed and told him it was an anniversary present, and turned away so I didn't have to watch him scramble.

So then he launches into how I always get the date wrong, how I always try to celebrate it on the 11th, and it's really the 12th. At least he doesn't do it in a mad way any more, these days it's a 'I feel bad I forgot' way. So I don't say anything, thinking, ok, maybe he'll at least run out to Walgreens and get me a card for tomorrow.

Nope. Nothing. And not only that, we meet up with our friends yesterday afternoon at the museum after church, and he invited them to go eat dinner with us! So I bite my tongue, we go to the restaurant they decide on, so I won't even get the Mexican food dinner I've been waiting for (he doesn't like Mexican much, so the only time we go is special occasions, for me).

I screwed up, though, cos D18 and I were alone at the table for a minute, and I just burst out 'Oh well, so much for a romantic anniversary dinner.' Normally, I wouldn't parentify her like that, but it just came out, and she gets this sorry for me look and tries to say something, so I apologized for saying it and said I was fine, really. I was just kidding.

You know, I know this is my fault. I know I'm overreacting. And I know I can prevent it by talking about these things in advance. But when I do, he spends 95% of the time justifying himself; so I stuff it and don't bring such things up just so I don't have to hear him.

I'm sorry for getting so overdramatic last night. It was after 3 glasses of wine at dinner (that was my rewarding myself, to pretend I was out on my anniversary dinner, lol). Oh, and after I paid for dinner.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I just finished the Shame book this week, so I'll get that next.

Cat, oh my goodness, the last thing I would try to do is to place blame on you and DJ you that you are overreacting or overdramatic. You're human, and either you or your life is getting your attention. It makes a lot of sense that this would concern and alert you that "something is wrong with this picture." And it makes sense that you would have a lot of fear about change back behavior, even though your H has surprised you with a lack of that lately. It may take a lot more consistency over time and acting even when you feel fear before you would not have that fear anymore. Meanwhile, how about deliberately choosing your actions, making a plan? How would you feel about calling Steve for help with a plan?

You may be exactly where you want to be today, to get your attention, to keep going with the work you've been doing. Maybe you like the progress you're making, and are ready for more

Cat, I was thinking this morning, when I read my daily Alanon reader, they have a section for each date, and I figured after I'd read that, then I'd look up something that would fit where you were last nioght. And then I was thinking, what would I look in the index for, and I didn't figure it out. So I went ahead and read my reading for April 14, and it was perfect! For what you said last night, and what I wanted to hear today, too, about making my attitude my decision, and my life my decision. It would take me a while to type up, and I googled it and didn't find it, but please feel free to call me and I'll read it to you.

Thanks, ears. I might call later. I don't feel like talking right now.

I reread my post and I realized I didn't say what I meant to. I meant to say that the anniversary is always a sore spot for me, but because of the changes I've made this last year, and my heightened awareness of things, it was worse than usual. Because I know I'm not stuck in this place any more. So, while I have options now, I'm also more raw and emotional, you know?

Cat, I totally hear you. To me, all the O&H, made it much much more obvious to me, that my DH knew full well that what he was doing, like the AOs and the insults, was hurting me, yet he was still doing it. And that led me to realize that I was also doing things hurt me, yet I had choices. I can be more kind with myself. Like staying in today, instead of punishing myself about what "might have been." Or stressing myself worrying about tomorrow. A small example, you know holidays can be stressful for my family. I hear you about making a simpler dinner, and that's great, but even then, I want to celebrate by relaxing with my kids instead of entertaining for a lot of folks. Like you said, I can picture thousands of families just enjoying a simple day, not focused on food and who is or is not doing what, but on time together.

This weekend, we took the kids to Universal Studios Florida for DD8's birthday. It worked out great, we had Easter lunch at a restaurant in under an hour. Could enjoy the weekend together doing fun things instead debating how much food we could cook and eat and pack away. And who is bringing what and who is just showing up to eat again and who doesn't show up and doesn't even call to say they're not coming AGAIN after they said they were coming. But I know if we didn't plan to go away, that I could say, "Mom, you know that have enjoyed planning Easter with you all in years past. But we're having DD8's party this next week, and putting together both is more than I want to do right now. Instead of making a big Easter dinner, we're just going to the brunch at Church. You're all welcome to come if you like. If not, I look forward to seeing you at DD8's party next Saturday."

Cat, I know the anniversary, didn't go how you planned, but I am guessing that there were some other things that you did this weekend where you are making progress? What would you like to give yourself a pat on the back for?

I'm a little confused.

This weekend sounds like pretty standard behavior for him cat. Why the deep disappointment? What, in your marriage, has changed that would warrant any great expectations this year? Why is this year any better than last?

It sounds to me like you are familiar with this pattern. A pattern that's been repeating for... Decades? I'm left to conclude that you choose to stay.

For me, it's like watching you hit yourself in the head with a hammer and complaining about the constant headache. I wince in concern every time it makes contact with your noggin, but I'm also left wondering, "Why doesn't she just stop hitting herself in the head with that hammer.".

Please understand, I'm not justifying or defending your H's actions or inaction, as the case may be. But I have no contact with your H and I can't offer any words to him right now. Even if I could, I have a feeling it would akin to me telling the hammer, "Hey! Stop being so hard and painful to cat's head."

Seabird, I think it's two things. One, that I'm becoming more aware of what I should be tolerating, learning how I should speak up or take charge of my own destiny, etc., so this time, this year, it's like being awake from a coma. In years past, I just was miserable but didn't feel empowered to speak up; just felt like I was stuck with it, due to depression, FOO, whatever.

This time, I know better. I know I should be saying what I feel, and I'm even a little better at it. So on the one hand, it hurt more because I know lately that I have options, I don't have to stand for it, I can do something. On the other hand, I'm still too timid to rock the boat, so I was doubly mad at myself for not doing something. Does that make sense? I'm just more...sensitive this year.

It's like I know what I need to be doing, but I'm still too scared to cross the line and do it. So it's even more painful.

As for him, I have stood up for myself a little here and there this last year, and he has been handling it well. So I guess I thought that, since he found out he forgot the anniversary on Saturday afternoon, he might make some attempt sometime over the weekend to slip out and get me a card at least, or at the very least wish me happy anniversary! He never even mentioned it after he found his present from me! It's like he decided since he screwed up, he would just erase the memory.

Any rate, I intend for next year to be completely different.

Great post, EO...and I think Cat knows this...and I'm reminding.

You make your anniversary about you...you said so. You choose to believe that when he doesn't remember, it means you're not important.

And you know you are.

I highly recommend what EO is suggesting for ANYTHING that symbolizes love to you...POJA it...talk about what is important..."our anniversary is coming up and I'm reliving a lot of our prior ones. I really want to celebrate next month the Marriage. I want us to have a special weekend together, just us, no chores, no accomplishments, just play. What do you think?"

Then plan for it a month ahead of time...where you talk about it...say "when you get me a gift, I feel important to you, adds to my love bank."

Do an Anniversary Do-Over, Cat. And take the power struggle out of the anniversary date issue...claim a two-day anniversary from here on out...in all the years to come...where you celebrate BOTH days...(my parents had the exact same issue for 35 years, btw).

No more mindreading, secret wishes, building resentment...wait and see if he loves me games...because he does and you do...and life goes by us...and I think you are discounting his resentment for years, too, built like grime, like yours...because, after all, what in the world does he have to be resentful about?

What do you?

I think what you did this past weekend, and what you felt, was cumulative crud...that grime...worn down into a hard edge that you cut yourself with, again...playing the old expectation game...like pulling daisy petals...to tell you if you're important, that you matter, that you haven't been half of this amazing marriage...these decades...in this union, fully half of it.

He doesn't make you matter...you do. You are enough. You are half. You are MADE of love...

and when you both lay down your expectation, guilt (and he did respond differently), shame, scorekeeping and hidden symbols...you'll experience each other's love in abundance.

Instead of his constant, inundating fears...and yours.

Same two people...very different marriage.

Every time you do not tell him, "I'm grading you, setting a trap to see if you forget, so I can tell myself my worth...I didn't give you that basket from love...it was a test...I didn't feel grateful for you choosing to remain my husband, for us to even be here right now, together. You are right. I was reminding you to get me...I was one-upping you...I was playing 'see-I'm-the-better-partner' and I don't feel good at all. I need your help."

I don't know why you keep at the promises game...EO stays in the right now...take her cue...stop setting H up to fail you, aid in building resentment against him. Which he wouldn't volunteer for.

He's not POJAing with you...he's got mapping in his head...stop the promises for one whole month. Period. Lay out your plans for the weekend tasks...invite...and let go. "I'm going to do this and this and this...and I'd love to have your help. It's okay if you do or if you don't. I won't resent you. I don't want promises. I'm inviting you along...as we go. What I really want is four hours of time spent playing together this weekend...you and me, babe. I want to sneak up behind you and dump some grass in your hair after you cut the lawn...I want you to turn the hose on me when I don't expect it...because I want to hear us laugh until we hurt...I love your laugh so much."

Your partner, your playmate, your intimate man...treat him as such...for he is...and you are...and you are both precious, as is your marriage.

Two anniversary days together gives you one for him and one for you...so on your anniversary, you'll get double the love and joy.

When you feel old patterns, state them...so you're aware...not wrong or bad. "I have the urge to make you responsible for my feelings again." You're worthy of NOT trapping yourself or H.

LA

Yep. I know what it's like to see and recognize an opportunity or even a warning sign, and let it knowingly go by. And then paying the consequences for it. It makes sense.


Rationally... Do you believe that it would be worse than what you're going through now?


Does this mean you had some unspoken and hopeful expectations? He does what he does cat, and he doesn't seem interested in doing anything else. That's what it seems like from where I'm sitting. I guess that I'm just a little perplexed that this state of affairs continues to vex you so.


*raises eyebrows*

Next year? What about tomorrow? Or today even?...

Cat, I have followed your story from the beginning as I've felt your husband was similar to mine in many ways, and very different in other ways, of course.

I've come to the conclusion my husband is a narcissist and that is just the way he is. It's all about him, he is always the victim, someone is always trying to *get him* but at the same time he will do anything for others to help them out. So others see him as a great guy who does everything for his family and for others.

Have you considered your husband may be a narcissist?

I'm sorry you had a bad weekend. You are so helpful to others, have so much to offer the world and deserve so much better.

Thanks, LA. Spot on, as usual. The point of the whole thing was that I was really mad at myself - for going through this yet again when I know better, when I have the tools this year to have sculpted a better solution, and I didn't. Honestly, the only part of this that I lay at his feet is that, once he knew, he chose not to do anything. The rest of it all is mine to own. But I think it was a good wakeup call. Watching one of these 'typical' situations armed with my new tools was very enlightening.

Seabird, the reason I got where I am today is because of my inability to deal with his passive aggressiveness. My low self-worth just turns to jelly when he judges. So, yeah, it would be worse to anger him and have to deal with the fallout.

Statements like with the stool he didn't want me to give away with the drumset, and he said 'fine, go ahead and give it to her, I don't care. While you're at it, why don't you just go ahead and sell the house for $50? It doesn't matter to me any more.'

Anger, hostility, snide remarks, telling me I've hurt him so much that I should just sell the house for $50 cos he's giving up...

A healthy person would just laugh these petty things off, but they cut me to the quick. So, to reach a point where I CAN tell him and then face those things he does, I have to know what kind of day I'm in for.

And I know the more I stand up, the better things get. But with my lack of self-worth, it's just not that easy to get started.

I equate it to a diving board. When I was little, I had to take swim lessons, and the teacher made me jump off the diving board; I was terrified and jumped as close to the edge as possibe - I still have the scar on my chin from hitting it on the way down and splitting my chin open. So today, I can get on a diving board, I can walk to the edge, I can even bounce on it a couple times, but I still can't jump off. I just can't. I turn around and walk back off the board. Every time.

That's the feeling I get when I try to prepare myself to do something I know he'll respond poorly to.

I had expectations from him like I do every year; he means well, and he's actually very romantic. When he remembers. But I had even more expectations for myself. And I blew it.

By next year, I meant next anniversary will be different.

Thanks, mrsn. I've looked into it, but can't really pinpoint him with it. He isn't really 'into' himself in any way except that he's a genius when it comes to electronics, and that's how he identifies himself. I think the other things he does (helping others, etc.) are to prop up his ego, cos his parents were such nutcases and he needs the strokes.

Now that it's been mentioned, I'm a little concerned, though, that it's possible he might have inherited his mom's paranoid schizophrenic tendencies.

I also think he's just spoiled, cos I've babied him for 30 years.

You "overreacted"...we... becaUSE YOU ARE AT THE END OF YOUR EFFING ROPE!

Your husband is both abusive and demanding
He needs you to listen to his abusive speeches or he feels uncomfortable.

You are a nice/free/ sounding board for him, one who he takes so for granted he does not need to buy a gift for.

He is insane and you are letting him be that way.

Time for YOU to start honoring YOURSELF. Get some help to deal with your childhood abuse so you can change the dynamics orf your marriage or leave.

Any guy who ran up 100K of bills I would dump the bum right then. It just shows what an idiot he is with money. Timeshare? When you owe 100K? Whut????

I disagree. A healthy person would NOT just laugh these so-called 'petty' things off because: a) they are not petty and b) they are selfish and abusive and if you were a healthy person, you would have set proper boundaries long ago.

I'm not hitting you with a 2x4 when I say that, because I'm in the same position, Cat. Honest-to-God truth? A healthy person would NOT still be in this marriage that I'm in with my husband. I'm so disgusted, I can't even summon up the energy to post about my quandary on my thread!

So please don't blame yourself. He's got huge issues. Don't we all? Issues shouldn't trump common, human decency. If he treated you well throughout the year, but just had a brain cramp when it came to your anniversary, I feel fairly sure you would just chalk it up to just one of those things. But given everything else this man does, it's makes sense that this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

((((((((((cat))))))))))))))))

How do you know he didn't do anything? What if he felt like slamming you relentlessly and didn't? What if he wanted to shut you out, give you the silent treatment, yell and scream, and he didn't? What if...the point is you don't know.

You don't ask.

You assume.

You know this is old pattern...which occur during stress (and holidays, anniversaries, special occasions can "occasion" stress)...and you went for it, with both hands.

Let it go. He knows the date...he doesn't know you DO NOT value, appreciate or believe you're in important to him.

Tell him.

What he doesn't know hurts you...not because it will change his response, but because all you don't tell him NEGATES you.

Apologize heartily to yourself...and to H...own what you did, explain your pattern...and state your commitment...to speak. To tell.

Along with saying, "Ouch!" aloud...like when he said the $50...grab your gut if you have to...just do it. Then repeat what you heard to him with your filter. "I just heard you say our marriage is over, it's worthless, and that you have a monster for your partner."

Radically honest. Because you don't know...and you're not in charge of what he tells you...or how to take it...or changing his mind, his negativity or feelings...HEAR them...tell him what you're hearing. He will HELP you with your DJs and with your honesty. I swear this to you, Cat. This man needs, loves and desires you and you do him, too.

Together, you're a thriving existence...better than your mind can conceive...get to know one another today. Speak. Hear. Listen. Repeat. Rinse somewhere along the way.

Now, reality check...did he say that this weekend? Last week? Five years ago? Lemme know...I can't tell.

Afterward, did he apologize, clarify, own it in any way?

I ask because I don't hear you saying, "I'm going to amend what I did."

And I bet you crave that as much as he does...no clean slates...and I think you have many symbols of this in your life, many layers...because if there is no right now, today...you have no chance. You truly don't exist...no matter what he does, thinks, doesn't do or feels.

You're lost.



No healthy person would laugh at that...they would ask, not react, "Are you being witty or is it really hard for you right now to let this stool go? Tell me more."

You don't value yourself until you act from valuing. It's not a motivation--self-worth won't get you to do anything...it results from what you do.

Do it, anyway.

So you're choosing not to do a Do-Over May 11th and 12th?

You're choosing to not apologize, own and amend?

Would you consider even snide remarks are more honest than your lying by omission? Are one touch (by a hair) more intimate? That both your silence, turning away and his statements are acting out of anger instead of stating it? Sharing your stuff?

You can share with him...and let go his response. The more you do this, by choice, the more you WILL do this, without taking deep breaths. Practice. Persistence. Choosing to act from respect, repeatedly, is your intent.

Then again, maybe, Cat, it isn't your intent...maybe you really just want him to do what you want, when you want it, in the way you want it done...consider this...see if that resonates...

and then you'll be happy.

Maybe you fear intimacy more than his anger...his hostility...his snide remarks...maybe it's twice as frightening...so you take the beast you know best.

You could choose to write him a love song...
leave him love notes...
remembering the romantic things he's done on previous anniversaries...

and sign it with "Happy Anniversary, Sincerely. Your Wife."

Remembering can be an act of gratitude...if you share those memories, how you liked what he did, when he did it and in the way he chose to do it.

Your fear of the diving board set the precedent for being right, even if it means staying, producing, predicting and living in pain.

You were proving the teacher wrong...what are you proving H wrong? That you're right? He's a screw up, selfish, harmful, treacherous, terribly human being? Or are you reinforcing his biggest fear...he's gonna hurt you no matter what he does or doesn't do? He's dammed? Which proves him right?

Wouldn't you rather know his fears, and for him to know yours? See where they coincide...

because you hate his constant judging...you stop yours...make it your goal today...to catch yourself and state aloud what you judged...ask DD and H to help...when you hear me judging...make a ding sound.

Or a dong.

Or a ding dong...and be delighted to catch yourself.

Dive, anyway...you own your feet, your fear does not.

You own every single thought (by choice), belief, perception and POV. By choice. All yours. You own your hands, which way you face...consider Saturday, in your mind, in detail, turning TOWARDS your H and walking up to him, even if you're hyperventilating, and holding his face in your hands and saying

"I love you. I want to see you thrilled in our marriage. I want to feel thrilled in our marriage." Then kiss him with your eyes closed.

He'll see your bravery and appreciate it...he's the man who knows what's really tough for you, who fears your diving board, and traces your scar...he knows the routine of your body language, where you're ticklish and where you hurt...he really does. This is your man, your husband, your partner...let him be for you. Turn towards him, Cat.

Choose expectations of YOUR behavior...and let go his for now. Tell him "Clean Slate Day" and that you don't want to assume one thing about him today. Not the phone call this afternoon, and that you've bound yourself to stating the moment you catch yourself, even on his call on the way home from work, "Here we go again"...you gotta interrupt and state it. And let the response go.

Only if you really want to act from respect and love, though...not to get him to stop doing/start doing what you want.

You can do this, Cat. You can dive...you can swim...there's not a thing wrong with you...stop treating yourself as if you're emotionally crippled...you're not. He's not.

Your routine is...not you guys.

LA

I do know and appreciate exactly how hard it is. I struggle with it every day. And you will get a lot of resistance from your husband. I get a lot of emotional support from my group therapy on this. It has really made a difference in being able to stand up to him. He still doesn't like it but at least I am finding I am at more peace with myself. Don't give up! Even little baby steps will make a big difference in how you feel. Hugs.

Cat, that's totally fine. It's okay to turn back off the diving board. No harm done. Let's say that your daughter was little and fell in, and couldn't swim back to the edge, and you aren't jumping in off the diving board. Okay, you can "dive in" in your own way, call a lifeguard, or throw her the life preserver, or hold a pole out to her. Your daughter is still safe, whether you jump off the diving board or not.

I hear you that you're not enthusiastic about saying certain things out loud to your H right now. But you do have other tools that you're enthusiastic about using. A nice card, an email, hauling him into IC are all things you've done before that communicate your messages. I loved LA's suggestions, too.