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I've read about what it is but I don't know what it's like to live with it.
Has anyone had any experience of this syndrome?

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I know someone who we all strongly believe has this syndrome. Are you suspecting this might be some of your husband's issues? Given what I've read, I'd say you might not be far off the mark. I *think* (but don't know for sure-please check this out with a professional) that Aspergers and Autism are related,though you can have one without the other. Both result in some sort of dysfunction in socialization. I believe people suffering from mild Aspergers and getting early (childhood) intervention, can move through life with little or no difficulty.

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Yes. My H is technically not diagnosed with it, but an assessment in his teens resulted in "highly likely." From my armchair diagnosis now, methinks oh yeah. And it helps to explain so much!

Asperger's Syndrome is like highly functioning Autism.

I combine MB concepts with little tricks I've developed knowing about the Syndrome, and knowing my H's particular personality. We communicate very well now. Whew. The pieces fit.

Did you have any particular questions?


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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RobynR Offline OP
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Hello Lucks and OurHouse

Thank you for your replies and yes, Our, I have my suspicions.
Could you tell me more about how you manage to live with the effects of this syndrome such as the perfectionism?
I've read about it on the net and learned that people suffering from the syndrome have problems with normal emotions so tend to reduce their spouses to the level of business partners.
Did anything like this happen to you?

Cheers

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Robyn, people who are having an affair or are totally withdrawn from the marriage for whatever reason, also treat their spouses as business partners. Just keep that in mind. If possible, it's best to get a professional diagnosis.


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I took the liberty of glancing back through a couple of your other recent threads.

Quote:
he will ONLY dance rock'n'roll and ONLY at this particular club.


Quote:
he will not bend, not even a little bit, on the subject of his dancing.


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He built me a vegie garden with all angles ninety degrees, no gaps, no rough cuts, perfecto.


Could be part of the syndrome. If he can't do it well, he won't do it at all. And if he does it, it's because he feels comfortable doing it and perfection IS the result.

My H will only join me for slow dances. Side to side steps. I tried to expand that into a box step. No dice, no way. lol. At one particular club. Of course. (Although some success going other places since our initial problems.) I love ballroom too! The irony, lol.

If my H doesn't think his repair efforts around the house will be perfect, he'll hire the job out. The things he will tackle, wow!

My H's emotions seemed flat. Expressing emotions, and understanding the body language of others, is difficult for Aspies. Trust is difficult. Very easy for them to close up. Especially when not understood and fussed at. The fussing is processed through a brain that processes a little differently. It does not pick up much nuance. Mad is....well....mad. Period. No deciphered difference between frustrated, cranky, upset. You're basically happy or mad.

Ever said something to your H, only to be totally bumfuzzled by his reply? Not that the response was a little surprising, but just totally wha'....huh? Thinking how did you respond with that, from THAT? Very important to have patience in communication and be sure you're on the same page.

Any of this familiar? Definitely needs a diagnosis. As GG mentions, withdrawal can create that business-like atmosphere with a spouse.


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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Originally Posted By: Lucks


Asperger's Syndrome is like highly functioning Autism.



My nephew has Aspergers and I would agree with this assessment. He is much like RAINMAIN except more responsive to people. He memorizes map routes, cookbooks and can recite the entire dialogue of every Jim Carey movie. My silly brother had primary custody of him of for years and his way of babysitting was putting him front of the TV and putting in one of his movies, which mostly happened to be a Jim Carey classic or other movies like CAddyshck, etc.

He has a tendency towards violence when people annoy him and he assualted a teacher once. He does not comprehend the notion of hurting others so he can be dangerous. I am told that is a somewhat rare trait in Aspergers.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My friend's son (a senior in high school) has asperger's. He is a great kid and fits the description posted here - he can obsess about one topic and discuss it for hours. He's not violent but if he is over stimulated (to many distractions) he can get unruly. It's awkward for him to be affectionate because he's not comfortable with the invasion of personal space. There are some great books that explain the syndrome and how to deal with it. Just as there is a spectrum for Autism there is also for Asperger's. People on the low side of the spectrum are hardly noticed as having the syndrome. My friend is a great mom and advocate because she was empowered by gaining knowledge.

GG


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My son; ds7 has been diagnosed with Aspergers and his dad, my dh thinks that he has it as well. and YES perfection!!! OMG how I have dealt with it for many years; have been married 10 and he "just let go" of some of his "quirks" recently when he saw how detrimental it has been to our marriage.

MUST haves, MUST do and MUST be are a few other "quirks". My ds7 is always "Mom, can I tell you this?". He is the "talky" aspergers. Very dear and loving child and really good with affection because he has learned it from us...

I am with you....

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Originally Posted By: Lucks
Could be part of the syndrome. If he can't do it well, he won't do it at all. And if he does it, it's because he feels comfortable doing it and perfection IS the result.

My H's emotions seemed flat. Expressing emotions, and understanding the body language of others, is difficult for Aspies. Trust is difficult. Very easy for them to close up. Especially when not understood and fussed at. The fussing is processed through a brain that processes a little differently. It does not pick up much nuance. Mad is....well....mad. Period. No deciphered difference between frustrated, cranky, upset. You're basically happy or mad.

Any of this familiar? Definitely needs a diagnosis. As GG mentions, withdrawal can create that business-like atmosphere with a spouse.


YES... the more I hear you the more I am convinced that we need to get dh diagnosed. All these are true of my dh as well...

How have I learned how to deal with it...very patiently and with LOTS of prayer. Seriously. I am alive (and he is also) to tell about how we have managed through the BIG rough parts; we still have a few "smaller" rough parts to get through...

NOW, I have a question for you Laura...has your dh's behavior been borderline (or maybe not so borderline and just plain out) verbally abusive? Has he accused you (in jealousy over NOTHING) of having an affair or "not sharing all of you" with him? CONTROLLING, POSSESSIVE or downright smothtering??? Just wondering.

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RobynR Offline OP
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Quote:
My H's emotions seemed flat.

Not fully expressing such emotions as joy, humour, sadness.

Quote:
Very easy for them to close up.

Or to only open up rarely.

Quote:
Very easy for them to close up especially when not understood and fussed at.

And much fussing is required, far more than is given. There's a high need for approval, appreciation & gratitude. Their needs are paramount. The needs of others don't seem to matter, IF they're noticed at all. They come across as selfish.

Quote:
The fussing is processed through a brain that processes a little differently. It does not pick up much nuance. Mad is....well....mad. Period. No deciphered difference between frustrated, cranky, upset. You're basically happy or mad.

This does sound somewhat familiar.

Quote:
withdrawal can create that business-like atmosphere with a spouse.

The things that can create withdrawal are any interference in his plans to do with his fixation, not getting his own way, not being able to control as he wishes and feeling strong positive emotions. The later is too much for him. A brief time of feeling those emotions results in a long time of withdrawal.


Quote:
Has your dh's behavior been borderline (or maybe not so borderline and just plain out) verbally abusive?

YES, definitely verbally abusive and a short time later, he has no idea why I'm not receptive to his friendliness and am still reeling in shock. My coldness (from shock) is interpreted as being insulting which is then a big drama so that one outburst can result in days of ever escalating distance.

Quote:
CONTROLLING, POSSESSIVE or downright smothtering???


Controlling? Used to be totally controlling but less so now.
Possessive? Used to be but not anymore.
Smothering? Phew, I'm glad you mentioned that because there have been times of intense emotion which was so much that it was smothering.

Are these all symptons of Aspergers?

How about
sleep difficulties,
perfectionism,
being unreliable,
valuing the latest object of fixation above all else,
stubborness,
sometimes distance and coldness,
imapropriate flirting,
rudeness,
being overly confident,
being quick to defend himself for a real or even a preceived attack?

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Children with Asperger's syndrome may:

Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.

Dislike any changes in routines.

Appear to lack empathy.

Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. Likewise, his or her speech may be flat and difficult to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.

Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back."

Avoid eye contact or stare at others.

Have unusual facial expressions or postures.

Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger's syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or studying astronomy. They may show an unusual interest in certain topics such as snakes, names of stars, or dinosaurs.

Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.

Have delayed motor development. Your child may be late in learning to use a fork or spoon, ride a bike, or catch a ball. He or she may have an awkward walk. Handwriting is often poor.
Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures. For more information about these symptoms, see sensory integration dysfunction.

A child with one or two of these symptoms does not necessarily have Asperger’s syndrome. To be diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, a child must have a combination of these symptoms and severe trouble with social situations.

Although the condition is in some ways similar to autism, a child with Asperger's syndrome typically has normal language and intellectual development. Also, those with Asperger's syndrome typically make more of an effort than those with autism to make friends and engage in activities with others.

Symptoms during adolescent and teen years

Most symptoms persist through the teen years. And although teens with Asperger's can begin to learn those social skills they lack, communication often remains difficult. They will probably continue to have difficulty "reading" others' behavior.

Your teen with Asperger's syndrome (like other teens) will want friends but may feel shy or intimidated when approaching other teens. He or she may feel "different" from others.

Although most teens place emphasis on being and looking "cool," teens with Asperger's may find it frustrating and emotionally draining to try to fit in. They may be immature for their age and be naive and too trusting, which can lead to teasing and bullying.

All of these difficulties can cause teens with Asperger's to become withdrawn and socially isolated and to have depression or anxiety.

But some teens with Asperger's syndrome are able to make and keep a few close friends through the school years. Some of the classic Asperger's traits may also work to the benefit of your teen. Teens with Asperger's are typically uninterested in following social norms, fads, or conventional thinking, allowing creative thinking and the pursuit of original interests and goals. Their preference for rules and honesty may lead them to excel in the classroom and as citizens.

Symptoms in adulthood

Asperger's syndrome is a lifelong condition, although it tends to stabilize over time, and improvements are often seen. Adults usually obtain a better understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses. They are able to learn social skills and how to read others' social cues.

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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RobynR Offline OP
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The person in question finds it difficult to take turns talking. Conversation with him starts out normally but before long, is dominated by him to the point where others simply sit silently listening to his diatribe which inevitably drifts to his favourite subject, his hobby.

He is totally rigid in his daily routines, from the time he gets up to how the coffee is made to the order in which things are done. From time to time, his routine varies and others are then expected to adhere to his new routine. He gives very little if any consideration to others in the setting up of his daily routine.

Empathy is at a minimum.

His hand-printing is unreadable.

He has heightened sensitivity at night. Even with ear plugs in, he can hear a creaking door or a car driving up and down a far away road. Every little thing wakes him up. Only when all of his conditions have been met and he is pleased can he share a bed with someone yet, strangely enough, when he's away, he can sleep soundly in a tiny hut with half a dozen other blokes all burping, farting and getting up at night to pee. When he's camping, he can sleep in a sleeping bag but he can't sleep under a duvet at home. Also, when he's away, any old pillow will do but when he's at home, it has to be just the right pillow of just the right density and size AND which pillow is right varies from time to time.

He is totally preoccupied with a small number of activities. He's something of an expert in two of those. He's the historian in the third but oddly enough, he's not particularly good at actually doing it. In that activity, he's zero'd in to a point. It's not just the activity but it's the activity done in a particular way at a particular place at a particular time with particular people and if any of those conditions aren't met, disapproval will result.

Does this sound like Aspergers in an adult?

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It does sound like Aspergers but could also be a mental health issue. That said, many teens and adults with Aspergers do have depression and/or anxiety off and on. My 15 year old son is diangosed. I believe my XH and his half brother have it, too.


Burned-out W, 41, ENFJ married to INTJ. Blender family of 7 years w/3 teens. H has been injured/ill and in college for 6 years. Co-parenting for 11 years w/XWH who married A #4 of 5.
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I have had several students through the years who have Asperger's. Precious kids, and very eager to please. With one boy in particular, his responses and willingness to respond were very tied to people's responses toward him. One thing that worked well for ALL of these students was a willingness to accept them where they were, but to gently encourage them to go further with LOTS of success along the way. This same student would NOT play my xylophones at first because there were too many notes, to much room for error. But with slow and simple steps, by fifth grade he could play pretty much everything he saw or heard. I get tons of hugs a day being an elementary teacher, but I gotta day, when that student hugged me tightly after 5th grade graduation, that was just about the best hug I ever had, because I knew he MEANT it.

I think my DS may have these tendencies, though we have never had him assessed.

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Odd that this year-old thread was bumped!


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I didn't even look at the dates!

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For anyone with Aspergers/Highly Functioning Autism, here is a great site to help them cope and/or improve in social relationships. I know the author- he is a good friend... in spite of autism.

Stan's Asperger Autism page


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Just to add something because this thread broaches on my professional work - when a clinician diagnosis someone with Aspergers they are LABELING a COLLECTION OF BEHAVIORS. At this point, there is no biological basis that has been identified as a cause of Aspergers and if one is found, it is highly likely not everyone with the diagnosis will have the biological condition. I think it is important to remember this because we tend to assume, once the diagnosis is given, that there is an internal/biological cause and therefore, no improvement can be made. However, there is a ton of research that suggests the opposite, that given good treatment focused on altering those behaviors, many people with Aspergers do start to behave in ways we would consider more typical.

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I am married to an Aspie; with an aspie son too...I am crossing the Aspergers with past abuse and getting a controlling, verbal and emotional abuser. Married 11 years; separated since November. There is no "reconciliation" because it is "his way or the high way". See comments below.
quote=RobynR]
Quote:
Very easy for them to close up.

Or to only open up rarely.
Quote:
Very easy for them to close up especially when not understood and fussed at.

There's a high need for approval, appreciation & gratitude. Their needs are paramount. The needs of others don't seem to matter, IF they're noticed at all. They come across as selfish. (mine insistst that I am the selfish one but can "work the HNHN system" to manipulate getting his needs met while LBs abound!!!
Quote:
Has your dh's behavior been borderline (or maybe not so borderline and just plain out) verbally abusive?
YES, very much so!!!!My coldness (from shock) is interpreted as being insulting (disrespectful to him in my case)which is then a big drama so that one outburst can result in days of ever escalating distance.

Quote:
CONTROLLING, POSSESSIVE or downright smothtering???
YES.... He says it is focus and I thought it was from PTSD/past abuse issues.
[b]Are these all symptons of Aspergers?

perfectionism,
valuing the latest object of fixation above all else,
stubborness,
rudeness,
being overly confident, (arrogant and "always
right" being quick to defend himself for a real or even a preceived attack? [/quote]


Separated from VAH since Nov.
Married 11 years
1 sd (currently lives w/him; 19)
1 ds (aspergers, with me; 9)
Regaining my life and may be divorced one year from now.
Returned to my church that HE took me out of (ministry) THREE times...never again!!!
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