Huh? Oh, so thats why there are admissible in courts of law! :crosseyedcrazy:

I suppose next you'll be convincing Mike to sign a post-nup in an effort to dupe his BW into thinking its foolproof

Hi Mike and welcome to MB.

You're in the right place to learn how to rebuild your M, and you'll get great advice on here. It's such early days for you and your W. She will still be in shock about the betrayal and at times she will struggle to simply function normally. It is that traumatic.

First things first. No contact with OW. Read here and learn.

You two have been through a lot, but is it possible that you both allowed each other to cope individually instead of pulling together and supporting each other? You sound a lot like my FWH. We went through similar traumas, pregnancy losses, IVF, me nearly dying, lots more, but you get the picture.

Anyway I coped in my own way, grief, depression etc,. My H coped in another way. He buried it and acted (to me anyways) as though nothing had happened, never spoke about it. It appeared to me that my H didn't care, he thought he was being strong for us. We didn't communicate about our own grief together so didn't support each other in the ways we both needed.

These issues eventually contributed to my H having an A, I say contibuted, because I won't allow him to use these issues as an excuse.

How do you and your W feel about how each supported the other through your problems? Your W seems concerned about your ability to show emotion. Is she referring only to your emotions relating to remorse about the EA or does it run deeper than that?

I know for my H, that he felt unburdened when he was able to tell me of his pain at what we had gone through for 7 years. 7 years of buried pain. Pain that I was not aware he really felt because he hadn't shown me. He mistakenly thought he had to be the strong one. When we really sat and talked through those events, I began to understand him, and he, me.

You two need to sit down and truly communicate with each other. Which needs have been unfulfilled in both of you. I take it you already know about EN's? True communication can be a revelation, especially when you have a conflict avoider in the mix.

You two can have a great marriage. Read all the books as recommended by tst, and in the order he recommends. Listen to his advice, and put it into practice in your M.

Good luck.

I wish I could say that we are healed and have come together again; but after only three and a half months, our journey has barely begun. Today I just wanted to go off by myself and cry for all I have lost. Yes, I have my FWH calling me non-stop during the day, begging me to visit him at work, and just generally by my side at all times. BUT sometimes the knowledge of what I've lost is totally debilitating. I've lost the ability to trust someone completely and I've lost the friend I married almost 42 years ago. I feel as if I'm on a precipice trying to keep from falling back into the agony of the discovery period and trying to keep FWH from feeling suicidal over who he had become. I hang on because I cannot imagine what life without someone I loved so blindly would be like and what the knowledge of his betrayal would do to our adult children and small grandchildren. I thought I'd share my innermost thoughts today to give you some insight into the mind of the recovering BS. If you truly love your BS, hold steady the course because she will not be a steady force for a long time.

Oh well...another one gone running back to the OP?

Myfamilyilove,

Polygraph's ARE admissible in court:




And here's the stat's on the accuracy of them:




There's also a lot of talk about being able to "beat" the polygraph....Not possible unless you are a sociopath, which is only a very small % of the population.



IMO, the BS needs to research and set up the test. That way they can be assured that they are getting someone experienced and there will be no doubts about the outcome.

My F?WH is taking one tomorrow. I did the research and set it up. I'm confident that the examiner is experienced and the results will be accurate.

Mike ~ I, like your BW, am stumbling on the "there was nothing physical" in the EA. That and "Is there continued contact". I am 8 months out from Dday 2 and it has taken me this long to realize that these are things that I need to know to really begin to heal and start to recover.

Were you responding to my previous posting or to someone else's? I don't follow you if your post was in response to mine.

No Goldenyear I believe that was a shot at me not returning for a while. I can understand their frustration as I'm sure that happens a lot.

My son was back in the hospital for 10 days with pneumonia through the easter week. So as much as my wife and I continued to work on us posting here somehow took a back seat. Not sure how I could let that happen.

I have read that books from Dr Harley. Excellent books and I really felt they give me some hope for us. In the time I've been away I've started private therapy as well as our couples therapy. In just the last 5 or 6 days I have made major strides in my communication. I have also discovered some major flaws in my personality from when I was a young child that have contributed heavily into our problems together. In turn those things are what ultimately led to my EA. A lot of tears and many sleepless nights and I'm sure we have many more ahead of us. I have tons of work to do on my communication skills with my wife. I will try and post back here as often as possible but, as EA was started and rooted as an online problem I have changed my habits and use the computer very sparingly. I told my wife about the site and she may join. She joined a support group through a friend and seems to be benefiting from that.

Goldenyears your last response to me brought tears to my eyes. The pain you must be in, and to be unable to lean on your family for support is just aweful. I know my wife keeps telling me she feels like her best friend died. Every time she says it I feel like another knife goes in my heart. Yet, I'm sure that my pain doesn't come close to what she is feeling. We are trying to move forward together and build something so much better than we ever had before.

Thanks to everyone for their advice, the stuff already said and the stuff still to come.

Any advice on how far I should go on a mothers day gift? I don't want it to seem as though I'm trying to buy her back but I want it to be special.

As I'm reading this I don't think that came out the way i wanted it to. I know I made a choice, the wrong choice. But the choice I made was to search for something I felt was missing in our marriage in the wrong place. My closed off avoiding personality contributed to what I felt was lacking in our marriage. The things I went looking for somewhere else. No excuses, just finding the root cause for the initial problem. That's what i meant.

Welcome back Mike,

sorry to hear about your son. I assume he's on the mend. My DS3 had pneumonia last year and it was very frightening. He's absolutley fine now - no lasting issues - but I know how frightening it can be.

Let us know what work you have been doing to help heal your W, and also how much reading you have managed to get in.

Hi Mike,

It's nice to see you back, and wanting to fix your thinking and rebuild your M.
The main focus should be repairing your BW.

Her wounds are the same as someone who was kicked out of a car going 110 miles/hr, rolling on the pavement, eventually landing in a valley of rock,
and then must lay there for weeks, months, cold, crippled and lonely.
You just can't see the cuts, bruises, and head trauma.
This trumps you searching for something you thought was missing.
As far as Mother's Day .... spend as much as you can afford ! Pamper her, she really is broken.

Besides being on the computer sparingly, what else are you doing to make her feel safe?
Cell phone # changed? Facebook gone, one joint email account? These were suggested earlier.
Does she know your activities throughout the day, do you check in with her on your own accord?
Have you stopped IB's?
Have you done the polygraph?

Have you apologized to your family, kids, and BW's family for the hurt and betrayal you have caused to all of them?

Have you reinforced to your BW that your adultery has nothing to do with her?
People remain faithful in M's despite their needs not being met.

This A was physical and grossly emotional/sexual. You refer earlier to 'stupid texting leading to D'.
The moment you stepped out of the boundary line of M, by confiding in, allowing OP to meet your most important EN's, and carrying on a secret life with
someone of the opposite sex, you became an adulterer.

Do you see how you have weak boundaries?