P.S.

I'm really proud of you.

You have shown great strength today!

ok, called all back and said to call him tonight. I know he's already spoken to his mother. Sorry, I screwed that part up....oops.

Thanks SMB, it was due a lot to your and Mel's push to get me over the hump. I'm proud of myself too!!! I'm having really mixed feelings right now. I actually feel sorry for him. This has got to be such a crushing blow....but a much needed blow. So, I guess I'm in plan A now. I know things are totally up in the air right now and as time goes I'll see where they fall.

This was a crushing blow to the affair.

This was a crushing blow to the enemy of your marriage.

This was NOT a crushing blow to your husband...the man who is missing right now. This was the first step at bringing that man back from the darkness he's in.

{{{{VST}}}}

You done good today. Real good!

vst, you did great!!

Hi everyone. Just wanted to let you know that I'm doing ok right now. I had a good nights sleep, that's to some good drugs , and I didn't wake up with my heart pounding like I did for so long. I don't know what is going on in WH's or OW's worlds right now but I imagine it is't good. I will be leaving my parents and heading home in a few hours. Not really looking forward to being back in the mix again but I know that I can handle it. Thanks to all for your support!

{{{{VST}}}}
Remember....take care of yourself during this very difficult time!!

Just wondering, should I contact him at all today? I haven't heard from him since yesterday. I have no idea what is going on. Should I send a text saying "hope you're doing ok" or something lame like that??

You did great!

How did the conversation with OWH go? Were you able to coach him at all?

What you do now is act like everything is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
Be sweet, be kind, be calm. Do what you would normally do. Text him, call him and just get on with life. Don't participate in the turmoil of his life.

Everytime he says something foggy -- hold the mirror up to his face.

"you ruined my reputation"....no, YOU ruined it by having an affair.

"you've blown up her family"....no -- she put her family at risk by having an affair.


DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR THE TRUTH -- AND LAY THE BLAME SQUARELY WHERE IT BELONGS. Any consequences they face come from their own bad choices.

(((HUGS)))

vst, I would lie low and allow him to contact you. You did a great job and I am so proud of you!

Did you tell your daughter?

Also do not get worked up about his divorce threat.
It would be wise for you to know the facts.

Here is some relevent information for you:

The rules for your state are:

No-Fault Based Grounds:
(1) Living separate and apart for at least 1 year without cohabitation.

Fault Based Grounds:
(1) Adultery; (2) Desertion for at least one year; (3) Physical cruelty; (4) Habitual drunkenness or Drug abuse.

So he cannot even file until the 1 year is up. How long has he been living on the boat?

Second -- property division works in your favor! Here are the rules:

The court will decide what is marital property and divided that property is an equitable fashion by considering the following factors: A. The length of the marriage. B. The age of the spouses. C. Marital fault or misconduct. D. The current value of the property. E. The contribution each spouse made to the acquisition of the property. F. The income of each spouse. G. The earning potential of each spouse. H. The health of each spouse. I. The need of each spouse. J. The separate property of each spouse. K. The retirement benefits of each spouse. L. The tax consequences. M. Expenses a debts of each spouse. N. The custody arrangement if children are involved. O. Any other relevant factors.

So Misconduct plays a part. He's going to start realizing what this affair is costing him.

just told my DD. It went good.

Just talked to the OWH. She told him they were just talking and it was the first time since D day.....???? I told him that it was not true that my PI saw them go to the boat together twice. He said what do you want me to do? I'm in the same boat as you, if she quits her job, we lose our house. I said I don't know but as long as they work together, our marriages don't have a chance.

This is a dark place to be.....I'm just really scared....

Should I call the OW?? This is going to be a huge mess.

vst, this is great information to have. What will happen quite often is a WS will threaten a BS with divorce or legal separation to get them to be quiet and go along with the affair. If that happens, you need to firmly, but respectfully, let him know that you will not be cooperating with any legal action. If served, you will be counterfiling on the grounds of adultery.

That means that the OW will be subpeonaed to testify under oath about her affair with your H. She will have to answer each and every question from your attorney on the witness stand. Not to mention that you have evidence from a PI that you will give to the court and to the OWH.

He needs to know you will not roll over and die. This will slow him down immensely and that is what you want to do. You want to prolong anything like this in order to outlast the affair.

ok the WH just totally and absolutely went off on me. He doesn't see why I had to tell his boss and VP of HR or his family or anybody. Why couldn't I have handled it differently? If I make one more phone call there is absolutely no chance for us at all he said. He was livid. He said I've ruined his life and I hope to have any chance at all for us I'd better stop right now. He said that anymore calls and she will get kicked out and he and she will go and live together and is that what I want?

I'm scared, what is going to happen? I was calm and explained that I had to stop the A. That I'm trying to save our marriage. He scoffed at that.

Now I'm wondering if I should have done all this??

Did you tell him you wouldn't have had to make any calls if he wasn't having an affair?

vst, just sit back and bide your time for now. The affair is crumbling and now folks at work know. They will be watching the affairees, which will be very hard on them.

If he doesn't end contact in a few weeks, you would want to go into Plan B. But in the meantime, work on being a SOFT PLACE TO LAND while the affair crumbles.

That means, no fighting, no lovebusting, no lecturing. Be as attractive and pleasant as possible. And quietly make plans to go into Plan B.

your DD knows she can talk to her dad about the affair doesn't she? Did you tell her she could ask him anything about the affair?

vst...WE TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN! WE TOLD YOU HE WOULD SAY THESE EXACT WORDS!!

None of this is shocking, all WS's say the same things when exposure happens. When I asked my FWH what his "plan" was after I exposed, he said "Nothing. I will NEVER be able to look anyone in the face after all of this, you have humiliated me."

I said "Actually, you humiliated yourself by having an A.".

You MUST keep putting this back on HIM when he tries to blame YOU. All YOU did was tell the TRUTH. And if he is embarrassed and ashamed, well...that is only because HIS ACTIONS have been embarrassing and shameful.

DO NOT let his threats of "if you call one more person...." scare you!!!! That is his M.O. YOU are doing the right thing; HE is doing the wrong thing. You should be infuriated that he is trying to keep you quiet...since when is telling the TRUTH the wrong thing to do???

You absolutely should have done all of this...do not let an active adulterer tell you what you should and should not be doing!!

I would lay low also...don't call him and if he starts railing on you again, get off the phone or walk away. He is going to need a few days to calm down.

Hang in there and remember to EAT...that was a tough one for me. Keep your strength up. You are going to need it.

GREAT job on exposure...you ROCK! I am very proud of you! You just took the first step in working towards recovery!

didn't think of that....he was beyond furious!

your DD knows she can talk to her dad about the affair doesn't she? Did you tell her she could ask him anything about the affair? [/quote]


I will tell her that.

I asked him if the A is over now and he said "well it has to be now 'cause I'll have 800 people looking over my shoulder!"

hmmmm is that the only reason?? I guess he'll figure that out eventually.