One of my hobbies is to read advice columns--even ones that are years old in archives. (Dear Abby)

I ran across one in particular that caught my attention.

It was about a woman who met this wonderful man and had no idea he was married (she said) until, I believe, the wife called her begging her to tell the man to come home to his family.

She said she spoke to the man and asked why he hadn't told her he was married, and he said, "Would I be in your life now if I did that?"

I'm just curious, have any of you ever seen a situation where the OW was unaware the MM was married?

Oh yes, that has happened. In my H's affair, the upstanding, virtuous OW [a MW herself] was shocked and scandalized :MrEEk: to discover that my H was not really "separated" himself. This shocked her moral sensibilities even though she was playing the "I have moved into the guest room and am therefore separated and entitled to commit adultery in plain view of my husband and children" CARD.

It is not uncommon for affairees to claim to be divorced or "separated" which is why it is a good idea to call the OP.

Another good lie is the "I am abused" lie. This is an odd one, I have to admit, but most female adulterers play this card. It goes something like this: I am "abused" therefore the solution is to risk further abuse and cheat on my abusive husband. When I hear this one, I know that logic is not her friend.

I just don't see how some women can be that stupid. Pardon me, but even if he doesn't wear his wedding ring (and my grandfather before he died only didn't wear his because he was a large man and his ring finger outgrew it), there has to be some way to SEE that he IS married.

Remember Scott Peterson and Amber Frey?

This one is VD.

And nope! Logic is NOT her friend - in fact, Logic banned her from it's "friends" list.

(snark!)

**snark** **snark**

What kills me is when BETRAYED WIVES come here in a state of shock and tell us they can't expose to the OWH because he will beat the OW!!

But that is the point of the lie, to make ppl feel so sorry for her that they won't bust her [censored].

My comment is always: hey, if the OW is not worried about it, then why should you?

I just don't understand how you can NOT expose an affair. The quickest way of ending something and you don't do it?

Suppose you're the best friend of someone and her husband's fooling around on her--and you can't tell her because "it would upset her so much."

If she didn't want to get her a** kicked in some sort of fashion, she should've keeped her knickers up.

Exactamundo! She says by her ACTIONS that she is not worried about it. And she knows him best!

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

My FWW's AP, Pond Scum, had everyone that he worked with convinced that he was D'd. He talked to me on two social occasions, one before the A started, one in the middle of it (before d-day of course, when I was clueless to even the possibility of anything), and waxed eloquent about how tough it was being divorced with two kids.

It wasn't until two months after D-day that I decided to find out how long he'd been divorced, only to discover there was no divorce decree on file at the courthouse. When my FWW found out that there was a possibility that he wasn't D'd, she wanted me to contact Pond Scum's wife and expose.

I made the call, and Pond Scum's wife proceeded to lie to me as well, telling me that they'd never had any problems. I later came up with solid proof that he'd been living with a GF for nearly a year during the A. In addition, she'd been hearing tales about how my FWW was off her meds and all but stalking Pond Scum. He explained away suggestive texts, saying he was just playing along.

I'm very lucky that he was such a POS, because that last little bit finally killed off any last vestiges of fog for my FWW. And yes, I'm angry at OMW for not calling me when she first figured out something was up.

Yeah, she had no idea, and I believe her when she says it would never have started if she'd known he was married. Would she have had an A with someone else instead? Who knows?

Yup, my exWW tried to play the abuse card too. She filed a protection order against me claiming on 11/21 I had sent her a text saying I was in town looking to kill her. (Text actually said "Iam in town - can I pick up the kids at daycare now?")

On 11/22 she asked if I would meet her at a public place to swap kids. On 11/24 she files a protection order against saying she feared for her life on 11/21.

In court on 11/26 my A asks her:

"Do you have a copy of this threatening text?"

exWW:
"no"

A:
"If you were so scared, why did you ask him to meet you the next day?"

exWW:
"I don"t know"

The fog was thick that day...

My H's MARRIED OW said the same thing. She was too "righteous" to do a married man but not too "righteous" to have an affair. :crosseyedcrazy: Unfortunately her selective righteousness did not extend to herself as a married woman! I guess it was the cafeteria plan of righteousness!

Mel,

I think you meant to quote me with this one:

Yeah, she had no idea, and I believe her when she says it would never have started if she'd known he was married.


Mel:
My H's MARRIED OW said the same thing. She was too "righteous" to do a married man but not too "righteous" to have an affair. Unfortunately her selective righteousness did not extend to herself as a married woman! I guess it was the cafeteria plan of righteousness!


Yeah, her cafeteria plan gave me some serious salmonella.

I guess I should be grateful that even in the fog of A, there were some things she couldn't stoop to. Gives us a legitimate chance to R.

Yep, that would be my WH. Told the OW he was D'd. Unfortunately, I was the last one to know this.

This actually happened to me years ago (before I met my H and was single). I worked at a large company and one of our out of state sales reps who I talked to on the phone alot (call center) started coming on to me. I had never met him in person before. He sent me letters telling me how his wife ran off and left him with 2 sons, how his mother lived with him to help take care of the boys, etc. (a real pity party story) but anyway, he sent me gifts and was just real smooth. He asked me to go out with him as he was coming into town so I did and we got along great. I really liked this guy. So, this went on for a few months and he came into town again and invited me to go to this very fancy resort with him. I did meet him there. He had to attend a meeting and I stayed in the hotel room. And, of course while I was there I (being a woman) snooped in his brief case. I found a hand written invitation (that he was getting ready to go have printed up I guess) to his and his wifes 20th anniv. and both their birthdays. I was floored. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...I gathered up all my belongings, ripped the paper into shreads and threw it on the floor and left...did not talk to him again.
So, it can and does happen.

Weren't there any clues before seeing that note that he was married, at all?

It just...why are these guys so...stupid? How can they just decide to throw their vows away and LIE to a woman (their wife)?

I suppose it can happen but I also think many OW don't WANT to know so they ignore . Unless the WH and his BW are physically separated...I think the OW is just plain dumb.

Why can't OW call him at his home number?

Why can't OW drop by his house at any time?

Why is OW supposed to keep their relationship quiet?

No. None whatsoever. We lived 1000 miles apart. I had asked a few people at my company if they knew him or what they knew of him and no one else thought he was married either.

But, I saw it in his own handwriting--and invitation to their 20th wedding anniversary and both their birthdays--their birthdays were 3 days apart so I guess they were celebrating together.

This man was the MASTER manipulator--you know, the one who all others are mentored by!!! But, when I found out--that was it.

Sounds like my H's OW to a degree. She knew he was married, but claims she was thought our M was over and he was leaving me. He was leaving for 9 months, you could never call him at home, and had to sneak around to have sex? Hmmmmmmmm.....