Hello all,
I'm about 7 months from D-Day. Although my FWH claims to have told me about all his infidelities and all the important details of his EA/PA, I have reason to believe there's more he's not telling me. I desperately want him to tell me everything so we can move on, but convincing him to come clean will be a challenge.
I have two questions.
First, based on the situation (which I'll describe in detail below), am I right in suspecting that I haven't heard everything?
Second, what can I do or say to convince him that full disclosure is the way to go?
Here's my story: H and I have been married 15 years. I'm 47, he's 48. We're a great match for each other. Over the years we've had our ups and downs due to stresses of kids, work and H's battle with depression and adhd. About 4 years ago he quit drinking and with the help of medication got his adhd and depression under control. Our M really improved. While neither of us were completely meeting each other's EN's, we did pretty well and the M was strong at this point.
In early 2007 H started having mild mid-life crisis complaints. He was worried about the direction he'd taken in life career-wise. By the summer of 2007 he mentioned that he'd had passing thoughts of cheating but hadn't and wouldn't act on them. He attributed it to one of his medications, so he switched to something else.
In August 2007 his mid-life crisis went viral. He started drinking again which threw his brain chemistry out of whack and he became depressed. This put quite a strain on the M. In October 2007 he went through a brief phase of paying a lot of attention to me after I made it clear that my life sucked and that I hated the change in our M. At the same time he was becoming manic. Pretty quickly his attentions to me turned creepy because they just didn't feel real. At the same time he became very outgoing in social situations and he talked on the phone a lot and he emailed a lot. The talking and e-mailing were work-related for the most part. The rest was him talking to his guy friends.
Once it became clear I wasn't enjoying his manic state, we withdrew from one another emotionally. He became very erratic and difficult to be around. Throughout this time, H complained that he was having a MLC and didn't feel like himself at all. I urged him to quit drinking and to get counseling, but he refused.
In January 2008 he took his annual trip to his hometown with two of his buddies. His mom still lives there and he stayed with her. He's told me he didn't cheat during this time, but I do know he was out at bars many nights until 5 am. His two friends are both divorced. One is a womanizer and has had countless hook-ups and short relationships. The other had just ended a long-term relationship and was on the prowl. I know the second friend picked up women while he was there. H claims he wasn't unfaithful during this trip, but I question that. When H returned from this trip, he was angry with me and found fault with everything I did. We had a big blow-up and talked divorce for the first time ever. We talked through it and affirmed our commitment to the M. He was worried about his MLC and was also in the process of switching anti-depressants (which can cause problems). He begged me to stick by him, which I committed to doing.
Later in January H went to visit the womanizer friend for a weekend. They were at a bar. H was hitting on a woman. H's friend left him at the bar and went home. H made out with the woman in her car in the parking lot and then they drove to H's friend's house. H brought her inside and probably would have slept with her except the friend scared her off by coming on to her. According to H, this is his first instance of infidelity. When H returned home, he was horrible to me again. We had another blow-up and divorce was once again discussed. We once again worked through it.
Now H started organizing his 30th high school reunion for July 2008 via phone and e-mail. For various reasons, I was not planning to attend with him (big mistake!). I later learned that he began flirting with four of his former classmates via e-mail. After telling one that he had "an e-mail crush on her," an EA started. He may have tried this line on the others, but I don't know.
H began calling the OW almost daily. They exhanged photos and e-mailed a lot. The OW lives in H's hometown (which is 1000's of miles away)and was going to the reunion. Over the next few months H declared his love for the OW and he convinced her to rent a vacation condo for the time he would be in town. (OW is divorced with two teenage kids. At the time she was in a long-term relationship, but she broke it off.)
During spring break, the kids and I went to visit my parents like we always do. H is very busy this time of year and can't travel with us. In normal years, he just works hard and waits for us to get back. This time, his buddies came to visit and to attend a concert. I know that H was going to bars with them. He claims he didn't pick up any women, but I think he's made it clear that he tried. I do know that he had drinks one evening with a work colleague, but he claims nothing happened. We weren't talking much while I was gone because I was irritated that he was screwing around with his friends instead of working. When I got home, things were rougher than normal for a week or two.
Also during this time, according to H's cellphone records, he was making tons of calls every day. Many of the numbers I don't recognize and some of the calls were longer than his normal ones.
In June of 2008, while the EA and future PA was still in full swing, H hit on our neighbor. A bunch of couples had gone out together. I drove home with the neighbor's husband leaving H and the female neighbor there together. (Denial is an amazing thing.) H tried to convince her to "make out" in the car saying he was curious to see what it was like to kiss someone else. Luckily the neighbor had way more sense than my H and refused him. I have confirmed all these details through e-mails they exchanged after the fact.
H goes to his reunion in July of 2008. He spent every night with the OW and they had sex 3 times. H claims the OW paid for the rental, but when I looked at his work credit card bill months later, I found he had taken a $500 advance. He claims he used it to buy drinks for his classmates, but I'm sceptical.
When H returned from the reunion, we were just preparing to go on our normal summer vacation. The second night of vacation, after the kids were in bed, we had another huge fight and once again skirted the issue of divorce. We once again worked through it and told each other we were committed to the M. The rest of the vacation was pretty good, although H was still manic and weird. H called the OW 2-3 times while we were gone.
After vacation, H bought a new cell phone on from a different carrier so he could continue calling the OW without me seeing the bills. He had another trip to his hometown planned for January 2009, so he knew he would see her then.
In early August 2008 the kids went to camp. H and I had a great week and really started to reconnect. Over the next month the M was much better, but not great. He would get up in the middle of the night many nights or would just fall asleep on the couch. I finally began to suspect that something was going on and figured it involved someone in H's hometown because of the time difference. I later learned that between early August and early September the EA was continuing. He was calling her a lot at first and they were e-mailing and texting some of the nights he was up late. Over the month, the contact tapered off and by September 2 he stopped calling her. (This I can verify by the cell phone records, although he may have been talking to her on his office phone.) He told her he needed some space and wanted to recommit to our M. (We celebrated our anniversary in late August and spent a lot of time talking about being a team and improving our relationship).
Between Sept. 2 and D-Day (Sept. 11 for me, Sept. 12 was when I confronted him), they exchanged a few e-mails.
On Sept. 11, I got a call from H's brother which alerted me to the EA. Through conversations with H's brother and best friend (not one of the sleazy buddies) I learned about the woman he picked up at the bar in January, about him flirting with the other 3 classmates by e-mail, about having drinks with the work colleague and about hitting on the neighbor.
I waited a day to confront H so I could think through what I wanted to do. When I confronted H, he initially tried to pretend that nothing had happened. As I revealed what I knew and my sources, he acknowledged the EA and the other infidelities/attempted infidelities, but insisted there had been no PA. Finally, a week later, after much prompting from me, he admitted to the PA. It took several weeks to get out much of the details, although I feel he's being vague about things that happened at the end of the A.
Although I was devasted to learn of his infidelities, I couldn't say I was surprised given how crazed he had been over the last year. I instinctively implemented MB principles and, I have to say, handled the situation extremely well. By this point, H was completely over the OW and was horrified and ashamed of what he had done. He made it clear that he wanted to repair the marriage and divorce was not an option.
The day after learning of the PA I found Marriage Builders. We have both read the basic principles, had great conversations about them and have worked hard on our M. The last 7 months have been difficult, as you all know from experience, but I never doubted that H loved me and desperately wanted to repair the damage he had inflicted. H wears his emotions on his sleeves, so if he had been pining for the OW (or anyone else for that matter), I would have known. During his MLC year, there was no mistaking what a wreck he was. He was horrible to me, to the kids, to his mother, to his best friend. His work suffered. Every one who knew him could tell something was very wrong. We have a few out of town friends who saw him only once during that year, and they all instantly could tell something was very different about him. One set of friends was convinced he was on drugs.
I know there are some here who don't believe in MLC. All I have to say about that is that when you watch a spouse live through it, especially when it is as intense as it was for my H, there's no denying that it's real. By late August 2008, H began to tell me he was feeling more normal. I could tell from the way he was acting that it was true. He was better with the kids and just better in general.
Sorry this was so long, but back to my questions. First, I think there could have more infidelities than the ones I know of. H, in typical wayward fashion, tried to tell me as little as he could every step of the way. He claimed he didn't want to hurt me, but he wanted to avoid the pain and consequences of revealing all that he'd done. Since d-day, he's been totally transparent (or at least I think he is, I can't tell what he does at work). He's been loving, kind, understanding, remorseful, the works. He has, however, been less than honest in two important areas. He stopped drinking shortly after d-day. He started up a few months later, but was doing it in secret. Also, he agreed to NC and agreed to send an e-mail. At the time, however, he wasn't in contact with her at all, so he was hesitant to take that step, feeling it was unnecessary. He promised to do it if she contacted him again. She e-mailed him on his birthday, but it was an impersonal birthday greeting that was part of a larger e-mail exchange among his classmates. He told me about it right away. Then on Dec. 22, she left him a message at work. He didn't tell me about it, but as soon as he heard it the next day, he sent a very well-written NC e-mail. He didn't tell me about it, though, until I practically dragged it out of him almost a week later. He knows I check his e-mail, so he had reason to believe I had seen his e-mail to her (which of course I had).
My second question is how do I convince H to spill his guts? I've read Joseph's letter and I'll have H read it when we're ready to have this conversation. I've read many threads about waywards who wait months or years to come fully clean. I want to know everything he did so I can process it, protect myself going forward and move on. I think he needs this as well, but convincing him will be tough.
I'd love to hear about your experiences in this regard.
I have learned so much from many of the posters here. I'd love to get feedback on my situation. Thanks for reading!
