Several months ago, I anonymously received several myspace messages telling me my girlfriend was a homewrecker, that she'd been involved with a married man (with a child) for more than a year (from late 2001 until early 2003, she was in her mid 20s), that every time he and his wife would reconcile my GF would entice him to some hotel for sex, etc etc etc. Very inflammatory stuff. I dismissed it, deleted the emails and blocked the user. Not long ago I received a couple of "follow ups" , probably from the same person, asking if I'd found the truth yet. Of course I hadn't even brought it up as I had decided it was just a jealous ex or someone with a grudge (my GF does did have a somewhat exciting time in her 20s with a number of partners... that's another story).
Not long ago, we were having some wine and talking about trust. I told her some things about my past, including how I had spent time (but no sex) with a girl who was separated but had neglected to tell me she was even married. I never called her back... My GF told me a similar story but with very little detail, only that he'd lied and she had a brief but torrid relationship with him. No mention of it going beyond that. At that point I began to wonder if there might be some truth to those old emails. Why would someone take the time to find my name, locate me on myspace, and send several VERY detailed messages complete with dates, names, occurrences, etc. unless there was some truth to it? I know some people just suck, but this seemed like there was more to it. That there was real anger and hurt and a very real sense of revenge behind it.
Now comes my big mistake. Just recently I was cleaning the house with my GF. I was in the bedroom dusting and vacuuming and I decided to clean the end tables. I took out all sorts of junk, including a stack of books. As I was putting everything back, several pieces of paper fell from one of the books. I gathered them up, opened the book, flipped through a few pages to find where the papers belonged. At this point I knew it was a journal and was trying not to read, but some words on one page caught my eye. They said "I'm involved with a married man..." Also on the page was an underlined sentence that said "when we could be together", in the context that there was a time it was OK, but now its not.
I want to marry this girl. I have a ring. Suddenly I have INTENSE reservations and trepidation. My parents divorced due to infidelity. Ironically, her dad was a famous philanderer and she is the child of a broken home as well. She claims every man she was ever with cheated on her, including this one, as she believes he was cheating on her with his wife. I know, I read too much and I feel guilty as hell. This WAS many years ago and I don't think she's had any contact with him since. I know she has tried to put it behind her, but she's also totally unwilling to discuss this with me. She knows it's an issue with me and is probably afraid. It just hurts me a bit to know she doesn't trust me enough to talk to me about it and instead left it out there for me to find about on my own. I worry that she's so in need of being loved that she's willing to do anything - have an affair with a married man, date an alcoholic, date a hard drug user, have meaningless eff-buddy relationships with MANY men in the hope they'd learn to appreciate her. What does that say about me? I know she's had therapy, but it still greatly concerns me. I'm also worried that someone out there wants to wreck her life for what she's done. I want to talk to her about it, to tell her that someone still has a serious grudge against her, to confess I found her journal, to express my concerns, but to also let her know I love HER. Not her past, not her actions, but HER. Now. But I can't let this knowledge (or lack of knowledge) turn into distrust and resentment.
How would you handle this???

How old was she when this all happened and how old is she now? I'm not excusing past behavior but people DO have the ability to grow up and change.

I am curious though, how she thinks the guy could be cheating on HER with his WIFE?

First,
This is AN INDICTMENT OF HER MORALS. (or lack thereof)

I hope you understand that.

Now, to answer your question...I would do two things.
(1) I would hire a PI and ask him/her to prepare an extensive dossier on her life for the past 2 decades. EVERYTHING she has done. Jobs, friends, online activity, trips, actions...EVERYTHING. This will tell you who you are about to marry.

(2) I would print out your post (once you have the PI's report) and hand your post to her. Ask her what she thinks. Tell her that you can marry her under one circumstance - total complete honesty - every thing you think, every thing you do, every place you go - you expect BOTH of you to be a complete open book for the rest of your lives. Tell her that if she is not willing, you need to discuss your future.

She was 25 when this happened (31 now). She believed he was cheating on her with his wife because he said he had left or was leaving her, but would always go back.

I agree with Cat. This would make me very uncomfortable. She has a distorted view of marriage--even if it was 6 years ago. The guy had a wife until the day he got the divorce decree.

Save the ring for someone better and forget this one. (JMO) The fact that she so easily cheated is troublesome but the fact that she blames the OM's wife as the OW is telling. She believes romance and LOVE are magic and only trusts her feelings. It's just a matter of time before she has feelings she won't be able to ignore for someone else.

If you do decide to continue this relationship and forge ahead toward marriage, as I suspect you will in fact do, do NOT get married until this has been addressed by her. Only lots of premarital counseling will give you much chance. Introduce her to Dr Harley's principals including the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, Love Busters Questionnaire and Personal History Questionnaire and see what she comes up with. If she can't admit to what you already know to be true, she's just not marriage material. Push a little on the idea of radical honesty and see what you get. Hiding things is NOT the way to have a happy marriage.

Unless and until she realizes that what she did was one of the most horrendous crimes she could have committed short of murder she will not be able to be a real buyer and is an affair looking for the right partner.

Need proof? Read ZenWolf's thread and that of his wife Cohosalmon...

Robin Williams said that as men our problem is that we have two heads and only enough blood to run one of them at a time. Be sure the right one is getting the blood when you make this decision...

Mark

True, very true. I'm working to withhold some of the anger I feel. I know from my own counseling I retain a lot of my religious/moral programming even though I don't necessarily believe it in a practical sense. I'm working to combat that dogmatic ideology. In all honesty, I think even with that considered I will still have a HUGE problem with the fact she's been involved in an extramarital affair that lasted almost as long as we've been together.
I'm also deeply conflicted with another issue - she has little sexual desire for me. For most of her adult life she's correlated sexual attraction with conflict and chaos. That sex was something to retain a guy's interest who was always one foot out the door. I'm relatively stable and reliable. I'm committed. As a result, even though she's happy with the relationship and with me, she has no real desire for me. No real visceral attraction. This is actually her explanation. She wants to disassociate chaos with sexiness and stability with abstinence. I have to wonder though... while she says she wants to be with me and is attracted to me, is she just trying to convince herself of that because I'm actually good to her? She can tell me that 500 times a day and promise me she loves me and is wildly attracted to me, but her body says something different. I suppose this could just be my insecurities kicking in, but it all does seem to add up. No matter how good I am for her, she will always be attracted to the "bad" guys. Her dad. Her first boyfriend. This married guy.
I don't know. I don't know if I can deal with it.

When I was in my 20's I had a relationship with a man who was getting a divorce. I had dated him when I was in high school. We went our ways. Then we ran into each other again when he was divorcing his wife. About 6 months into our relationship he apparently ended the divorce proceedings and moved back in with his wife. He did not tell me. We dated for another few months until I found out through one of his friends that he was back with his wife.

I learned a big lesson from that relationship. Just because a couple has separated and even filed papers does not mean that their relationship is over. I’ve been married since then and have never, nor would I ever, cheat on my husband.

If I were you, my biggest concern would be her not talking in depth with you about it. She may have learned the same painful lesson I learned. She might have honestly thought that his marriage was over and that he was getting a divorce. It’s pretty common in our society to believe that once the papers are filed the marriage is over.

However, if she cannot be open and honest with you about this than the foundation of your relationship has a huge crack in it.

Ouch, I just read this. If she has little sexual attraction to you, you should not marry her. They way it is right now is the best it will probably every be between the two of you. She has a problem that quite honestly she needs to work out on her own. If you stay with a woman who is not attracted to you, you will experience a depth of hurt for the rest of your life. Is that really what you want?

Hey Green' welcome to MB. I wish it could have been under better circumstances.

Under no circumstances should you marry her. Run away! Run fast and hard!

Firstly, she carried on with a married guy. A big no-no.

Secondly, she is not forthright with you. Honesty does not mean answering questions when cornered; honesty means being forthcoming about issues that you know that the other party would like to know.

Thirdly, she justifies her poor actions instead of being deeply sorry or ashamed.

Fourthly, she says that every guy that she's been with cheated on her. If it is a lie, then you have a problem, because in the future she'll blame you for anything that goes wrong. If it is the truth, then you have a problem, because there must have been some reason why other guys have stayed.

Fifthly, her unhealthy attitude about sex. It sounds like she's had a decent number of guys, and used sex to control them. Sounds like a nightmare scenerio.

Sixthly, if she has little desire for you. When people are engaged, they usually can't hands off each other. A lot of times it cools down afterwards. You are starting at a cold point. If you marry her, you'll be celibate. … or you'll cheat on her.

Seventhly, when I was engaged, I was crazy about my fiancée. I could not thinking about her, doing stuff with her, dreaming about our future life together, etc. Those days were emotional highs of my life. I was prepared to give my life for hers. From what you wrote, there is nothing to indicate that you are crazy about her, and there is nothing to indicate that she is crazy about you.

Green', why on Earth would you want to marry such a person? You pick the best person to marry; in you situation it is not best, nor is it good, nor is it even tolerable.

If you marry her, you'll be here in 2 or 3 years talking about infidelity, marriage breaking apart, etc.

Don't do it. Pull a plug on this relationship ASAP.

Not being honest


That's not a mistake - that's a sign for you



There's a reason you feel this way!



Why on earth do you think so little of yourself that you would accept someone saying this about you.



You just defined how your future will be with her.

GG

She lives in the land of denial. The OM cheated or her with his wife.

Does GF think your that stupid to believe this line?

Or is GF that stupid to believe her own words?

GF refuses to be honest with you about her past.

You refuse to be honest about what you know about her past and talk openly about it with her.

She does not want to sexually free any more in a normal relationship. This is bad.

You are willing to acept her new position on sex. Which is bad on you.

Why do you want to marry a girl that is hiding things from you, lying to you, cheated, done with wild nights of love making?

It seems that you need a check up from the neck up.

What are you thinking?

Get out the door and don't look back.

Green,

Please save yourself some heartache and pain. Im speaking from experience!

I was your GF! Because of some past unadressed childhood sexual abuse issues in my 20's I also used sex to resolve conflict and chaos andm any other unhealthy reasons.

She needs to spend some time in therapy addressing these issues as I have done.

I have been married for 10 years to a really wonderful guy. During these 10 years I have damaged him and changed him and not in a good way. It has only been recently that I have been able to acknowledge that. I feel horrible and so much guilt for how I have treated him. We are both working really hard to make our marriage the best it can be. We have 2 children.

However I truly wish I had not imposed my dysfunction on to him. He did not deserve that.

Can she change? Yes she can! Its not easy and its not an easy process!