SS2,

I know what you feel. Doing so much for your WS.

We BS have done so much for our WS's.

What do we get in return? Not much. Maybe a kiss. A real kiss. one with feeling. one that makes you feel like you are the only person in the world.....

WW used to do that for me.

She still lights my fire. To me she is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

This is great stuff.......

but,

What things on this list hit a 10 and what things only hit a 2 or 1?

What I mean is....

If YOU have a high need for conversation and the two of you sit around for an hour talking about cars (or any topic extremely boring to you). Does that hit a 10 for you, or 3, or what, maybe a -2 ?? Your H may feel he gave you the hour you needed for conversation, but in reality may have blown it all, because it's not the right kind of conversations/topics!

Just because you meet a need doesn't mean you've hit the mark!

I recommend sitting down together and go through HNHN and read the questions at the end of each chapter. The questions in the book cover this very thing. HOW TO HIT THE MARK!

I'm not trying to discourage you, actually trying to encourage you to discover how to hit the 10's and ignore the 1's and 2's.
I hope that makes sense.


BTW, I do understand that the flowers issue triggers you.
(f)WH is being a knothead.

Thanks for all the great advice and help with this question. We are working through the books and are really trying to meet each others top needs. I have found a solution that will work for us. I thought about my husband asks for things. He doesn't place any special importance on things that he wants. He just very plainly asks for them. If he wants beer or chips, he asks me to get them for him. If he wants a fishing rod for a present, he will tell me all the details that I need to get the correct rod. He leaves nothing to chance. If he asked me to buy beer and I told him, "I was going to surprise you with beer but now I can't because you've ruined the surprise", he would think that I was nuts. I told him that flowers were like beer and chips to me. I want him to buy them for me because they make me happy. They don't have to be expensive and they don't have to be roses. I don't need to wait for the perfect time. I just needed him to show me that he cared about what I wanted. That analogy made total sense to him. I asked him to buy me flowers on the way home tonight and he happily agreed. He even said that if he forgot to send him back out for them because he wants me to have them if they will make me happy. We have been getting along far too well lately to overthink flowers. He thanked me for making it so simple and asked me to continue being direct. He said that he hated hints and subtlety. He feels like he misses the hints. So, I told him that I would like him to take me to lunch today and he did.

Bravo

GREAT JOB!!!!

Your husband may hate head games.

Hints are like head games to many men.

He just told you a big secret about himself that should work for you - which is:

Tell him what you want, and he will fill the need.


But I will tell you something about this. Be careful, because he may overfill the need. You might get too much of a good thing, and then you will have to tell him to slow down, which may confuse him. Be carfeul what you ask for.

Print this out and hand it to him.

I have gone through the exact same problem with the flowers. I would mention to my FWH that I would like flowers and he would say well I was going to get them for you but now you asked for them so they won't mean anything. At one point everytime he would ask me for something (a beer, his back scratched, anything) I would say "I was going to get that for you but now you asked" It took him a few says before he asked me what I was talking about and I explained it to him. I still did not get any flowers for a while.

The next time he did get me flowers I made sure to be very appreciative. I told him how beautiful they were and I gave him lots of affection.

He now does occasionally get me flowers and it is nice!

Your plan sounds like it would work if you really only wanted flowers and didn't care about what him getting them for you symbolizes. But you have said you want flowers because you want to know he thought about you when he was away from you. So my guess is that if you have to send him to the store to get you flowers like they were beer or chips then you still won't feel satisfied. I know I wouldn't.

But it may work if you really show him appreciation a couple of times, then hopefully he would start to think about it on his own.

stillstanding2,

Great job being direct with your H! Guys don't think the same way we do and they do not "get" hints. I really hope this works and he gets back in the habit of buying the flowers.

I have two things I want to touch on:

1. When he said he stopped and checked the flowers, but they were wilted, did you thank him for trying? I know you were hurt that he didn't actually buy them, but I wonder if it would have boosted him up and made him want to try again if you would have shown appreciation for the effort he made.

2.


The A didn't kill the romantic feelings. Missing ENs and making LBs killed the romantic feelings. You really need to pay attention to TST and what he's saying about making all your ENs count as a 10. That will bring back the romantic feelings.

It sounds like you came up with a great plan and he seems to understand where you're coming from.

Great job!

No, I didn't because it sounded like a lame excuse. I will remember to thank him for trying next time.


2.
I hadn't thought about it that way but of course you are right. We are both working overtime on meeting each other ENs and I know that I am impatient. I know that it will take months if not years to get to a place where we feel totally in love with each other and are really happy again. My husband really has been great. This is just hard for both of us. There is so much pain just under the surface still.


I have a dozen pretty pink roses on my dining table because my husband wants to make me happy and I am grateful. That is how I am looking at it.

Fantastic!!!

Good job! Men don't think like women - they tend to be very concrete - very much A+B=C. It sounds like your hubby is especially that way. Try to keep these phrases in mind: "I really like it when..." "I need.." "I would like it if you..." Notice they all start with "I". I'm a big proponent of that because it's non-accusatory. I think a lot of us BS's (and women in general) have trouble plainly stating what we want/need, because we're taught it's "rude" "not nice", etc. I call bullsh*t on that!