I've met with the care team who handles marriage issues. They've been a great help. I even called them before I started to expose just for support and prayer before I started dialing.

How are you holding up? Don't be nervious about the park...

About this whole affair situation...
This will be the hardest thing you've ever gone though.. Remember three things you already know...

1) God will never give you more than you can handle
(You will question at times if maybe he has the wrong address)

2) Pray as you already received it and it is yours… Pray…have your church pray… Have your family pray… your friends….even the guy at the gas station…

And...of course… no matter how hard it gets…remember….
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD!! Nothing....



This is important advice from SMB...follow it to a T it's that important..

You have some pent up anger..it WILL surface if you talk about it.. and he is angry too because you blew up LA LA land (nice job BTW...mainly because you TRUSTED when it seemed so hard for you..)

Plan "A" starts at the park... It will be hard... seem like nothings getting through... IT IS.. Two steps forward.... one step back... but progress... unless you LB... then... pretty much start from square one..so….. DO YOUR BEST NOT TO..

YOU CAN DO THIS…. YOU CAN DO THIS… YOU CAN DO THIS!!! You can…

Things you CAN'T do...
1) Educate him.... It's not him... the enemy has him for now…

2) Try and make him feel gulty so he will stop... see above.....don't try... No one YOU know is home from the neck up.... it's a LB anyway..

3) React to ANYTHING HE SAYS... DO NOT REACT...If you want to see what it will be like to react.. when you get to the Park... Eat until you can't move...then get on the biggest rollercoaster there.... Ride it ten times in a row...now multiply that by 1000.... and substitute your heart for your stomach..... That... is what you'll feel like...

If you react to ANTHING you will be heavily sedated in a month sitting in a corner with drool coming out of the corner of your mouth... :crosseyedcrazy:


If he says he loves you... DON'T REACT...
If he says he loves her... DON'T REACT...
If he says he hates you... DON'T REACT....

When/if he says the creed of the WS...

"I LOVE YOU BUT I'M NOT "IN" LOVE WITH YOU?"

Try not to laugh because you've been warned....
(that was the hardest one for me because I believed my WW before I found MB) Pretty much EVERY ONE of them say it..

If his mouth is moving... he's probably lying...

But also remember something… somewhere….deep down in there.. is the man you love…
(it’s kind of like The Exorcist… when the little girl peeked out every once in a while and cried “Help me”)


It's not fair... but you have to be the strong one for you and your DD...Draw that strenght from God and from here...

If you're mad...come HERE and scream and yell and kick your feet... We will hug you and calm you so you don't LB and ruin your Plan "A"

If you need to cry... twice a day... fifty times a day.. come here... don't cry in front of your WH..He will appear cold anyway... and that will make you want to cry more... (it's more like numb from the neck up) and he needs you to be strong and CONFIDENT that things will be differnt when he comes home.
One of you has to have an unshakable belief in your love and marriage. Sorry.. that HAS to be you right now...

Don't cry in front of your DD....she needs you to be strong and CONFIDENT that it will be OK... Come here... we'll hold you until the tears are gone and wipe your face and tell you WHY it will be OK....and HOW to make that happen...



And about that light at the end of that tunnel… the light is a better marriage than you ever thought possible.. even on your wedding day… (I know.. hard to believe now..)

The road is hard… but the reward is great…

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! YOU WILL DO THIS..…..God is on your side...how can you lose??

Hate is not the opposite of love....indifference is...
And.. he probably hates himself..not you..


Do you mean with this situation or are you talking about another...??
I tried to read your whole post..but I may have missed it..

You can do this..I promise..you will amaze yourself
and... you will come out of this a better stronger wiser person...


I know you've been busy but.. have you idenified the needs you weren't filling that OW has tried to fill?
This will be important to do a GREAT Plan "A" we need to get you some large deposits in your WH love bank...

That's a big part.. removing LBs... and replacing them with meeting Emotional Needs... That creates an attractive W to WANT to come home to...

Don't worry about OW.. she's really NOTHING.. she is just meeting needs... could have been anyone...

She probably just listened to him complain and did the opposite...That's what they all do..

So... when you DON'T LB... the OW is lost because she has lost her "blueprint" to your WH heart...and when she blows up... and she will.... she will LB like crazy and she doesn't have the YEARS of history... and a DD and family ties.. etc.. to fall back on like you do.. so POOF.. she'll explode.

Some day your WH will think of her and be repulsed and wonder how he could have EVER done this..

The enemy is blinding him 2 Cor 4:4...like that...

God Bless...

This is great advice. The first day after dday for us my husband took me out to dinner. There was a lot of akwardness at first. He just sat there without speaking to me. I remember that I started telling him my favorite memories from our time together. He joined in and we ended up having a nice conversation. It was just talk about fishing trips and favorite places but it broke the ice. I didn't bring up the affair at all - way too raw. After that night he agreed to work on the marriage with me but he didn't have a lot of hope. It was a start.

I woke up this a.m. thinking that exposure, especially at work, probably just killed any chance I might have with WH. I don't think he will ever be able to forgive me for that......I honestly don't see him getting past that.....I'm feeling really beat down right now....

It's VERY normal for you to feel hopeful and committed one minute, and beaten down and hopeless the next. Try to remember that these are *FEELINGS*. They change, and cannot be counted on as an indicator of reality.

Your WH is angry because his affair has been busted up. That is a GOOD THING. Your marriage stood NO CHANCE whatsoever while the affair was ongoing.

He's going to lash out at you and blame you, much as a child will be angry at their parent for not allowing them to do something dangerous but fun. Deep down he knows you're right (and that makes him even angrier right now).

Re-read what you wrote:
I woke up this a.m. thinking that exposure, especially at work, probably just killed any chance I might have with WH.

Exposure, especially at work, is the one thing that gave your marriage a chance. His anger will pass. It will. Nobody is capable of staying angry forever. Recovery while an affair is ongoing is impossible. The two are mutually exclusive.

vst, you cannot see a long view because you are blinded by his anger. Please let me assure you that your marriage can survive his anger, it could not survive this affair. What you did by exposing the affair dealt a massive blow to the affair. The longer it was kept secret, the more entrenched it became.

Your chances of saving this marriage went up astronomically when you exposed them. Keeping the secret was to aide and abet your own demise because affairs thrive on secrecy. While it was kept secret, the affair was becoming more and more entrenched.

If I were you, I would get the word out in the employee pool and expose to the OW's parents. She is able to get away with her affair because of the secrecy.

vst...

Again, I am so proud of you! You have done exceptionally well!

Remember I warned you that you would probably crash...it happened to me too. That's what began happening this morning when you woke up. You are probably sleep deprived and not eating enough and that is aggravating the situation.

I am not surprised at all that WH changed his mind about the amusement park, and I am SO GLAD you all are going! This is going to be an incredible opportunity to Plan A him!!

SMB gave you some really great advice on what to do/not to do. You can do this!!

Does the other couple you are going with know what is going on? You may want to tell them so that they can HELP YOU entice WH into having a good time.

I am just thrilled that you have this golden opportunity to Plan A him! Even if he is pissy all day, he will not forget a good time and he will not be able to blame you for being a b*tchy wife...so get a lot of sleep and get your energy up ~ you can do this!!!

URGENT!!! WH just found out DD know about what he has done and she begged him to come home. He says "how can I deny her that?" I DO NOT WANT HIM HOME right now. The main reason is a legal issue. If I let him home without some post-marital agreement I will lose any A grounds if he doesn't commit and continues this A. PLEASE ADVISE!

Why don't you want him home where you can Plan A your butt off and really kill the affair?

This is what I told him: "There would have to be some very big commitments made and you are not ready for that. considering everything that has/is happening, that just isn't a possibility right now."

If he isn't TRULY committed and only comes home for our DD and still leaves me I will not get the financial support I need and deserve......am I in the fog thinking this way?

here's what he is saying: "Look, you just wrestled me to the floor... Erin is begging... You got it. I will completely commit... I won't be friends with D any more... I can't handle listening to erin upset.... Ill do whatever I have to. "

FRIENDS???????? THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!!!

It is the start that you need. They almost never come back saying sweet loving things. The fog makes them really annoying. Get him back in the house and rock your Plan A until he turns around or you can't stand it anymore. If he agrees to end the affair, your next step is the N/C letter. Hang in there. This is a long process. It is not fun. It is not fair. You will get a lot of good advice here. Come and vent as much as you need. Just don't vent to your WS yet.

Tell WH that step one is a meeting between WH and your pastor.

Step 2 is a joint meeting between both of you and your pastor.

How does that sound?

I think you need him in the house but ultimately it's whether or not you can deal with him. I would focus on the ultimate goal of recovery and not on why he is coming back.

He has to commit to quitting his job and complete NC with OW...I'm leaving now but others can help you come up with a gentle way to break that to him.

It is GOOD that he wants to come home. Just like my FWH, he never wanted a D and knew that the A was not going anywhere. It was a fantasy and deep down he probably knew that.

You might want to call and set up an appointment with Steve Harley.

He will give you the best "map" for recovery.

Pep, in a lot of states if he moves home (or if she has sex with him) then that is legally interpreted as her accepting/forgiving the affair and she cannot file for divorce on grounds of adultery after that. I'm guessing that's what the legal thing is. VST please correct me if I'm wrong.

He's saying he'll do whatever he has to do... turn the tables on him. Tell him you would like to have him home and committed to the marriage. Ask him what his plan is for earning your trust and regaining his right to live in the marital home with his family.

See what he comes up with on his own - that will be VERY telling with regards to where his mind is. He is almost certainly wanting a soft place to land with no repercussions. He probably wants to move home and be all happy nicey again with no work involved. This would be disastrous. So just ask him what HIS plans are to earn your trust and regain the right to live at home. Then leave him with that.

In the meantime, think about what extraordinary precautions you would like to see put in place before he moves home. DON'T discuss this with him! You won't "help" him or "save" him by depriving him of a much needed opportunity to examine himself and learn about boundaries and his role in protection of the marriage. These are things he must learn on his own. So think about what you'll require but keep it to yourself for now.

Ideas:
Quit job and move to new location.
MB weekend and all the followup coursework.
Change cellphones.
You have access to all cell records.
Key logger on the computer.
You have all passwords to everything.
GPS on the car so you know where he is (or GPS on his new cellphone) with monitoring capability.
Get rid of all gifts/memorabilia
No contact with OW for any reason for life (HOW will he reassure you of this?)
Shared checking/savings account so you both know where all the money is going at all times


"This is what I told him: "There would have to be some very big commitments made and you are not ready for that. considering everything that has/is happening, that just isn't a possibility right now." <-- that was a disrespectful judgment. You don't know what he is or isn't ready for. However you have every right to say "There would have to be some very big commitments made AND ACTIONS TO SUPPORT THOSE COMMITMENTS before I am comfortable with you moving home again. I very much want our marriage to be a new, strong, wonderful marriage. I don't want the old marriage. We deserve better. Let's address how we plan to improve the marriage."

vst, MF is right. If he comes home now, you will be right back where you started as long as he continues to work with the OW. I would put it to him like this:

"I want us to be together as a family but only under conditions that make it possible to recover our marriage. That cannot happen as long as you see OW at work every day. Recovery is impossible and I cannot live a life of hell wondering every day when you leave for work. I can't agree to a reconciliation unless the conditions make it possible for us to recover. What do you suggest?"