VST,

No, you are not foggy, just slightly panicked. I understand how you feel with this. The BEST thing I did concerning this was talk to my neighbor, who is a paralegal for family law, who in turn directed me to the best Divorce lawyer in my area. I talked with him, found out where I stood legally and what the laws are in my state concerning D. This was very freeing for me, because I KNEW what to expect IF Divorce were to happen. I didn't want to divorce, I wanted to save my marriage, BUT WH would use this card whenever he could to INTIMIDATE me into doing what he wanted (which was NOT TO SNOOP, EXPOSE, OR DO ANYTHING TO HINDER HIS AFFAIR...).

Once I KNEW what the law was by talking to a PROFESSIONAL...not someone who has been through it, not a friend, but a PROFESSIONAL....it took that power away from HIM. He couldn't intimidate me any more.

I can't tell you whether or not him coming back home would hurt you legally, but I URGE you to talk to a PROFESSIONAL to find out what EXACTLY you can expect. This does not mean I encourage you to divorce....it simply means to EDUCATE yourself, so you can stop worrying and focusing on this. Once you do, you will feel much calmer.....

I sense that you really don't know what the legal ramifications are whether he files, comes home, or keeps the status quo where it is.....Have to talk to a lawyer or anything in this area???

not2fun


not2fun

If he comes home while still working with the OW and believing this is acceptable, vst will be FORFEITING the only leverage she has. And she will just be living a life of holy hell watching him go to be with the OW every morning.

THAT is going to cause more harm than good.

vst, can you afford to get a coaching session with Steve Harley? He will assess your situation and guide you out of this.

really really good !

Great post MEL!!!!.....

VST,

Re-read that post over and over.....and begin to think and write down what it is YOU need in order for him to return home....This is what is meant by establishing your boundaries.


((((VST)))))

Hang in there, you are doing wonderful.....I know this is hard, but the alternative isn't any EASIER.....remember that....


not2fun

I agree 100%

100% NC must be established!

I will tell you all this right now. When I tell him that he cannot come home until someone does not work there he or she he will tell me that will NOT happen. I'm telling you that I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN. What do I do with that? He said the ONLY reason he is willing to come home now is for our DD's happiness not his own. He said the OW was only a friend with no SF since D day and she made him feel good and he has feelings for her. She was someone he could talk to. On Wed when they were seen meeting, they were only "Talking". He expects me to believe that. He is still deep in the fog. he said I have now RUINED any chance of them continuing their friendship and that I was VERY successful in taking care of that. That it is done and over.

VST,

STOP LISTENING to him. It's like listening to a fallen down drunk.....

If he will NOT do this, then you will go to Plan B. But FIRST you must do Plan A......

And if he CHOOSES not to leave his work, he is CHOOSING that over his daughter. Plain and simple.

He got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it......

STAY STRONG AND ON THE COURSE......

not2fun

Tell him "I'm very sorry to hear you making that choice." and then drop it.

You can't educate him, you can't convince him. To even try would be a LB (disrespectful judgment). Just honestly let him know you're disappointed and put the ownership of his actions and decisions squarely back on him. Then leave him alone to process the situation.

so what exactly do I say to him then? My brain is fried right now and I feel like I'm under the gun.

Legally, I know that him spending one night here forgoes any A claims.

Well if you just tell him you're thrilled that he wants to move back home but that there must be big commitments supported by actions first - because you don't want the old marriage, you want a new one - then the topic of quitting work and NC won't even come up for a couple of days at least. Ask him for HIS ideas on how to build a good marriage.

If you do bring up quitting his job and NC with OW for life, and he says no way will that happen, then you can say:
"I'm very sorry to hear you making that choice."

It doesn't all have to happen right now.
It will take a lot of time. You're feeling pressured but there is no rush, truly.

Oh - OK - THAT I did not know.

I live in no-fault-land-

except for ...

Ok here's what I'm saying: "I'd like to have you come home and committed to the marriage. Before that can happen, I need to know what your plan is for earning back my trust and regaining your right to live here with Erin and I.

I really want our marriage to be a new, wonderful marriage. I don't want the old marriage. We deserve better. So I'd like to hear what your ideas are for us to build a marriage like that."

That sounds perfect to me. Make sure he knows you don't expect an answer now, that you expect him to give this serious consideration.

Pep: booo, hisssss!! (I love puns)

HOW do you know this????

I'm not sure how him spending the night at home forgoes any Affair. Since he was sleeping at home, that makes him boinking another woman acceptable??? Not an affair???!!..

I'm not sure about this line of thinking VST....explain it to me further....


not2fun

VST --

What you are feeling is NORMAL. That is why we call it a "roller-coaster"...you can feel Superhuman and invincible one moment, and in the depths of despair the next.

Thats why anti-dep's are very important when you are going through such emotional turmoil -- they will help you remain calm and even.

Do not respond to your WH's emotions du jour either! He also will be all over the map emotionally -- angry then sad, hopeful then angry again. So DO NOT BUY INTO WHATEVER HE IS THROWING AT YOU.
Just ride it out. Its momentary.

Ok, that's what I said (via email - that's how we communicate ) We'll see what he says. I didn't mention the NC stuff yet. That is the HUGE hurdle......and I'll wait on that.

I urge you NOT to wait on that. No Contact is the VERY crux of MB. Without it, there is no Recovery, only False Recoveries......

NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT.......

NO CONTACT MEANS.....no in person meetings, no phone calls, no emails, no Instant messaging, no text messaging, no mail letters, no talking....no seeing....no ANYTHING.....



not2fun

And in regard to him wanting to come home:

Stick with the mantra you posted a few moments ago.

But here are some things to consider requiring of him before he can return:

1. A post-nuptual agreement that gives you all assets and custody if he cheats again (he may not be ready for that quite yet, but keep it in the back of your mind...)

2. A lie-detector test. You simply do not believe they haven't slept together since d-day -- and in order for your marriage to begin with a clean slate, you require full knowledge of his actions.

3. Counseling with a MB counselor.


Basically stall him for now. He's not ready to be there, and you're not ready for him to come home.

I wouldn't hesitate to say that he has to sign a post-nuptual agreement to protect your rights -- if he want to come right now. That you have no trust that he won't continue this affair.

HOW do you know this????

I'm not sure how him spending the night at home forgoes any Affair. Since he was sleeping at home, that makes him boinking another woman acceptable??? Not an affair???!!..

I'm not sure about this line of thinking VST....explain it to me further....


I'm in SC and that is considered showing forgivness for the A. Someone explained that in a previous reply. Some lawyers will advise the man to trick his W into "spending the night" and get a PI to record it and bam no A claim.