I love getting flowers from my husband. Before the affair he used to buy me flowers all the time. He used to have them delivered to my work or he would pick them up at the grocery. I like them all. I haven't gotten flowers since February 2007. He hasn't bought me a single daisy since the affair. I have mentioned that I miss flowers. He has told me that he would buy some tomorrow and next week. Last weekend he said that he went by the store and looked at them and they didn't look good so he didn't buy any. I haven't mentioned it since. I am not nagging him. A month ago I bought some for myself. When I was single, I used to buy flowers every week at the grocery for myself. When we got married, he told me that I didn't need to buy flowers for myself because that was his job. Should I just let it go and buy my own flowers and have a low level of resentment towards him for not wanting to make me happy? I have told him what I want and he won't do it. I don't think that it is a big deal. I think that because I have made my desire very clear, he feels nagged. I just want my husband to bring me some flowers.

It's OK to ask.

Use a phrase that starts with:

I would love it if....

or

I love it when........

I have... Still no flowers.

This is a specific way for your H to meet an EN of your's.

You might even add how often you would love him to do these types of things for you....

Just remember to PRAISE him over and over when he does. This reinforces the behavior that you love.

Is H on board with MB principles?

I don't want to ask anymore. It is becoming a sore spot for me because the flowers stopped around the time he met OW. I think that I am just not going to get flowers from him anymore. I miss that romantic gesture. I think the affair killed the romantic feelings that my husband used to feel for me. Maybe when I see him buy flowers on his own without being begged, I will know that his romantic feelings have returned. We are early in recovery. I guess he just doesn't feel romantic yet. Maybe next year...

If you enjoy the flowers, buy them for yourself. Maybe he will by a clue after awhile. If he doesn't buy them for you, there will be resentment anyway so you might as well buy them if you like them.

Dday is very recent and his A wasn't short. Give it some time.

This is a trigger for me so I am not going to comment anymore. I am just going to take a breath and think on something else.

My grandfather was a wise old man. Among the many things he taught me during my childhood/teenage years was this:

"If you have to ask for something, it's not worth getting". He was of course talking in the way of gifts.

If your husband doesn't want to buy flowers but he does just because you ask for them--will they even be worth getting?

I guess that's my question.

You are right. That is why I am not asking anymore. It does make me mad that I did ask so many times and got nothing but empty promises.

I am just being petty. He gassed my car yesterday. He gives me lots of attention, hugs, and kisses. He just won't buy me flowers because I keep asking for them. He is not an ogre. I will buy my own flowers - it will just come out of the grocery money. I guess I will cut the beer and chips this week.

What does H wish you would do (more of) for him?

ss2,

The flowers probably have more meaning than you might think. They are now symbolic of something to him.

And you are pushing him for something you don't understand.

Each time you push, he becomes more stubborn that you not get it.


What do they symbolize?


SB

SS2,

I understand what you are saying. My WW used to do so many little things for me. So many of those things stopped years ago.

That's where the MB stuff from the WS is 100% on the mark. The WS (and the BS) must make their spouse the #1 priority. Their needs before their own.
Flowers seem such a small thing...but they are huge!

For me, my WW kissing the back of my neck while I cook dinner....such a small thing...but really so huge.


Tried to tell my WW, that I would have killed (bad word choice there), to get and have the kind of attention she got while amid her A. She blinks and looks at me like I'm speaking russian.

Many WS don't realize, it's the little things that build the trust and faith of the BS. It's also neglecting the little things that hurt the BS so much. More so when the BS is trying hard to do those little things for the WS.

one of my wounds...this whole topic.

Sucks having to ask for flowers or a kiss on the back of the neck. Takes all the meaning out of it.

Sorta like the rich guy tossing his wife $1000 instead of taking her shopping and spending $100. Which means more?

I wait on him from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed. I cook three meals a day, do all the household chores, run the errands, handle the bills, and spend every free moment with him. I let him pick most of the TV and recreational activities. I am affectionate and never turn him down for SF. I workout w/him daily and try to look my best. I have been working on eliminating all LBs. I have asked him what would make him happy and he says that I am doing it. If I am missing something I don't know what it is.

Why do you think he had a 2 year affair?

To me they symbolize romantic love - my husband thinking of ME. I don't think that I cross his mind much when we are apart. He rarely calls. When I have made the comment, I love it when you buy me flowers, he says things like, "I was going to buy you some this week. I completely forgot. I'll get some next payday." Or," I thought about getting you some flowers today but they were wilted". Well I went to the same market the next day and the flowers were gorgeous.

He wanted help paying down our debt and I volunteered to go back to work. I worked 6 days a week late every night. I made over 100k per year. We didn't have time together. He started going out to bars w/friends from work and met a much younger woman that flirted w/him. I gained weight because I never had time to do anything but work. I knew something was wrong but he never told me the truth. I quit my job last November and found out shortly after that. The affair was 14 months not 2 years. I have changed everything that we think might have made this possible. We are both doing everything that we can to fix this. I just want my "old" loving husband back. I know that it will take many more months. I have been sick all week and my lovebank is low. I'm just tired and venting.

So you were d*mned if you did, and d*mned if you didn't? I don't buy this. I get that when you were working, you were focusing less on his ENs (unless FS was an EN and then your working was helping with that), so his love bank was being depleted. But this is where I guess I do NOT get the WS mentality. His LB was running low and perhaps in the red, so he decides to have an affair?

My LB has been solidly in the red for I don't know how long. The thought of having an affair has never crossed my mind. I understand the MB topics of Plan A, filling ENs etc. ,but there's a part of me that sits back and says "wait a minute, THEY made the really selfish decision to HAVE an affair and we're twisting ourselves into pretzels about it.

Boy oh boy isn't that the truth.

My love bank i think HAD to be further in the red thatn his for many years prior to the A but i did not go out and have one.

Stoopid waywards !!!!!