Exactly.


So you left her.


And she cares what you do because........


She still loves you.



It's a no brainer, Dude.





The question is, what are you going to do about it.


I have to go now. But you have quite a bit to think about.


And I will tell you this: my husband's parents divorced. My husband's father left his mom because he was having an affair with a woman. FIL divored MIL and married OW. FIL and OW were married for 6 years. OW then left FIL - for another man (she was, guess what, cheating on FIL!). FIL then finds himself back on MIL's doorstep. During the entire time they were divorced, over an 8 year timespan, MIL did a steady Plan A.

MIL and FIL remarried. They recovered their marriage, in spite of the divorce, FIL's stupid marriage to the OW, and all the rest. They were able to lay down their pride and recover their love and trust for one another, because they recognized that they loved each other and were foolishly being prideful and angry and doing many things wrong in their first marriage.

Their remarriage was RIGHT.


It followed the MB plan - and they didn't even know it.


He died recently, and his last words to her were, "Can I do anything for you?" She said no. He said, "Well, I'm going to bed. I love you." They kissed. He died in his sleep.

She will always remember his offer to help her, yet again. It was his way.


If you believe it is the right thing, you CAN return to the marriage. It is possible.

Something to consider.

SB

Beautiful and sentimental and makes me teary ....

I know what you mean. My XWW when I was married to her cheated on me living the life of a Romance Novel just not with me but having sex with the OM. When I filed and told her now she was free to marry the OM and live her dream life with him but I was taking my kids and paycheck with me well gosh you would have thought I put a turd in her cereal bowl

I honestly think my XWW thought even if she got caught the worse case scenario was we would divorce and she would get everything and the OM. I think when she lost my financial support and the kids were so angry with her she never thought her life would be like it is. I don't think she really thought it through on the Affair. I think she liked her lifestyle with me and got the OM exciting sex on the side and her life was well great. I guess I would have been very happy if I could have got my wife to work and earn enough so I could quit. Then I could golf every day and relax and imagine on the side I could get sex from a playboy centerfold. I would have been happy too. That was her life for a while and I think she is depressed because her current life is nothing like it now.

Now my XW does not seem to be dating which I don't understand because she is attractive. I have no idea why she is not since she was dating when we were married But she does seem to want to have our marriage back but I just can't do that ever again.

So it is strange in some ways. I think maybe our ex's have seen that maybe they did not have it so bad. I know my ex now is working 40 hours a week and is a part-time mom with plenty of time on her hands. I guess the thrill is gone on boinking the OM who lives in the basement of his folks little house. I thought she would jump at the chance to be with him but I think my paycheck was more important to her and she seems depressed. But yes I also have lived with this situation.

Well, in all honesty you didn't initially go Plan D. You went into an affair yourself...an affair that lasted quite a few weeks.

BOTH of you have exhibited less than honorable behavior. BOTH of you showed that you were willing to sacrifice the marriage.

I would climb off that moral high horse...but that's just me.

committed

Right, but I still have the OUT, the GET OUT OF JAIL FREE, right? The BS always has the choice to leave even if they retaliate on the way out??! Not saying it was right or honorable, but I still had the legit option?

What does Harley say about RA's???

In my opinion....No.

It doesn't matter who did what first.

Both of you exhibited behaviors that are not conducive to marriage.



They have the option to end the marriage just as the WS has the option to end the marriage BEFORE they commit adultery.

Why is it so important that there be finger-pointing?

How is that helpful?

There is just another thread about gauging whose sin was worse...it's counterproductive to personal healing.

committed

Dude,

My WH is one of the worst. He totally blames me for everything and is now dragging me through a D with charges of cruelty, gross neglect, frivoulous conduct, embezzlement (hiding money), and most recently forgery. He lived with another woman in another state behind my back for a year. During that year, he told me he was working 12 hours a day and most weekends, so he wasn't home much to help me with anything. The house was falling down around me. After I found out about the A and went through several false recoveries, I forced the sale of the house and left. We lost tons of money on the house, but that was the excuse he needed to blame me for everything, which he has done since then. Every week I get a new charge against me.

Waywards want, no NEED, to shift the blame for a lot of reasons so don't take too much stock in it. I believe that they know the real reasons and eventually they will have to deal with it. As BS's, we know that we tried and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Bottom line is that you still love XWW. You made a hasty decision to divorce- when you really weren't "over it" and now you still have feelings for her.

RIGHT, BUT she never would have taken full responsibility for the A had I not torn EVERYTHING down and went through w/ the D. It just wasn't possible. Only justifications were being espoused. The plan D was the hammer that made her see the light. So no it wasn't hasty per se. It was intended to rock her into DEFOGGING.

Although she struck first with her A, you've both been unfaithful, period.

What about building a new relationship using MB principals??

Your thread title:

Freed BS treated like a WS???!!

Technically, you are a WS.

You don't know that.

An effective Plan A , followed by a strict Plan B might have done the trick.

You went into an affair of your own and then went to divorce. I don't think "defogging" had anything to do with it.

committed

So,

It was INTENDED to defog her.

The truth comes out, i hope it is cathartic Dude.

Dude, I have read your threads and your responses on other threads. You are a very smart, dude.

Be careful before you jump back in with your ex-w. Consider carefully.

You seem to have let your emotions guide you into a lot of new women, including an RA.

Now, you are thinking about your ex-ww.

See a counselor, and take some time...

Nothing or no one is going anywhere.

Dude you need to admit you were a WS as well as a BS ... it's the truth accept it.

It's anger and bitterness that drove your affair and your D. While those feelings are certainly understandable they are NOT an excuse... there are NO excuses for affairs. SIMPLY NONE.

Its also very obvious that your wife has found out she at the very least still cares about you... probably more... as she has not been dating from what you say.

I suspect Dude your head long charge into D stunned your wife ... I suspect she was living this fantasy and thought that SOMEHOW if you found out it would work out. In her selfish and confused mind she was a mess of conflicting thoughts and actions.
I guess she always thought that you would fight for her. But... to her ... you didn't.

Its also obvious you still care and love your ex.

Both of you may never become a couple again. HOWEVER I feel until you and she give it a slow careful attempt ... did I say painful as well because my guess it will be .... neither of you will feel this period of your life is over and be able to accept it is over and get on with life very easily if at all.

I do think BOTH of you need to see a IC and work through the bitterness and anger that is still so present in your lives. Careful contact and restraint from both of you in the meantime may allow you both to see if anything real is still there... enough to consider a real attempt at reconciliation ...

I wonder Dude how much of your anger is directed or comes from yourself for your own actions? I wonder if you realise that at all?

Dude you both have cheated on each other... FACT ... you are NOT the less sinned on because your exww did it first. Sorry no get out of jail free card for that here.

ADULTERY is ADULTERY!!!!!!!!!!!

Its Easter Dude... maybe its time for YOU to sit down and admit that cheating... committing adultery in revenge was not exactly your brightest decision you have ever made. It may also be time for you to say that to your exww.

How does that old song go .... freedom is just another word for nothing else to lose......... so how free are you really Dude?

Dude,

You might want to think carefully before reading on, because this 2x4 is going to be a big one, swung hard and fast. It isn't my usual style, but you need it right between the eyes.

I speak with experience. I had an affair early on in my marriage, a ONS. Immediately thereafter, my H had a ONS of his own.

We were both absolutely stupid idiots.


And you are the stupidest idiot I can think of right now. I compare you to myself, so I have every right to say this. And I will implore the mods not to edit this, because it is highly important that Dude take this hit with all the respect in the world, from me to him.

Here's the deal, Dude.


Your revenge affair was not meant to make any point whatsoever. It was revenge, nothing more. You used another human being for sex, out of anger and hurt. In doing so, you hurt your wife, degraded another woman, and treated them both like trash. Then, you stand back and attempt to tell other people that this is justified because YOU were hurt.

You are wrong. Until you man up and admit that your behavior was completely and totally wrong, you have absolutely no chance of having a solid relationship with ANY woman.

Why?

Because you have it in your head that it is justifiable to use us for sex - when you are angry, when you are hurt, or when you need it - and that this is fine and acceptable.

Dude, this is NOT acceptable.


Furthermore, you have attempted to justify adultery as acceptable because in your "unique" case it is a "tit-for-tat" revenge situation, and therefore YOU are allowed to do it.

You are wrong.

Again, if you ever expect to have gainful and respectful in-depth relationships with women, you have to come to a much deeper understanding of what you have done here, and admit your complicity and guilt. And admit the stupidity of your actions.


When I look back at what I did to my H back then, I cannot believe the depth of my stupidity. When he looks back, he is disgusted at how he used a woman to get back at me, and how he purposely did so in order to hurt me. The complexity of this encounter cannot possibly be disaggregated here.

But you must search your soul, if only to save your own future relationships. Whether those relationships are with your ex-wife, your future wife (who could be your ex, or someone else), or maybe even a daughter - because what you believe of women's worth is certainly borne out in your behavior.


And will show to any daughter you have.


2X4 over.


And Dude, remember, I have been there. I can say this, and it isn't anything I haven't said to myself, or my husband.

SB

Standing Ovation!

Mrs. W

Dude has left the building sadly.

Dude can read this anyway, whether he posts or not.


And in his conscience, he knows that what I said is the absolute unvarnished truth.

When he puts his head on his pillow, and the lights go out, that loud voice he will hear will be mine - and his own - in chorus, yelling at him:

YOU ARE WRONG. FIX THIS. ADMIT YOU ARE WRONG.

And he may refuse this today, and tomorrow, but at some point, his own guilt will win over, and he will be so broken that he will admit it.

As will most any wayward. (note - I didn't say "all").



SB

Ok, I was absolutely wrong. I made some serious errors as I was fogged out myself. I spoke to fWxW this weekend. We both know what has to be done. It will be a long haul. It starts w/ me leaving GF and then doing some things personally to gear myself up for fixing everything. DUDE

PS - I dont mind you guys beating up on me.