Ok, SWW, what do you suggest?

My husband DID have issues with sobriety-he kept slipping in part of his addiction in his first months down his journey. I didn't know about it, thankfully. Yes I would have been crushed, but again, HIS addiction, HIS problem. Not mine.

And, for the record, if my husband relapses into daily use again, I'm gone. Done. Out. I won't raise my kids in dysfunction. I have better things do to with my life than go down the recovery process, again. And if my husband relapses and his addiction escalates, he could put my physical health in danger. This is a boundary my husband is fully aware of.

Addictions are not about the addicts' spouses. They are about the addict and the addict only. So, no, I'm not emotionally invested in my husband's addiction because it isn't about me. It's about him trying to self medicate to fill holes in his soul. Holes in his soul he had at least 5 years before we started dating.

Now, I am emotionally invested in the marriage. But that ONLY came after my husband had been in recovery for a while.

How did you manage to remain uninvested (is this a word?) while he recovered?

Zen: So glad you (and Coho) got to speak with Dr. Harley. Even though all of us are doing our best to give you sound, solid advice...well, we aren't the professionals here. Harley is!

Stay with his plan. Be strong and stick to your guns. I'm doubtful, but if this is truely how you wish to proceed, then I'm going to stand by your decision!

Steve McGhandi! Take care, D.

Ugh, we got in a fight and she went to her parent's house.

Read what inrecoverynow just wrote to you:

"And, for the record, if my husband relapses into daily use again, I'm gone. Done. Out. I won't raise my kids in dysfunction. I have better things do to with my life than go down the recovery process, again. And if my husband relapses and his addiction escalates, he could put my physical health in danger. This is a boundary my husband is fully aware of.

Addictions are not about the addicts' spouses. They are about the addict and the addict only. So, no, I'm not emotionally invested in my husband's addiction because it isn't about me."

What would I do if I were you?

1. I would go out right now and buy James Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough." It is not just for Christians, it is full of practical advice.

2. Read it.

3. Discuss the concepts with Dr. Harley at your next appointment. If he agrees that you can't simply be willing to take Coho back every time she gives in to her addiction to the OM without serious repercussions, with his professional guidance discuss a plan about what those repercussions should be. What is required is a course of action-an ultimatum that demands a specific response and results in a consequence.

4. Be willing to go through on that and implement if necessary.

If she breaks the deal, yes, you may lose your marriage. But what you have now is the slow lingering death of what is not the type of marriage you can live with.

This may result in the sudden demise of your relationship, but without bringing this to a head while there is a chance for healing you are standing by while your marriage dies a slow death. Loving, firm, self-respect is probably the only way to impress upon Coho her need to make a decision; one way or another. If this does not work, the mariage was dead already.

You truly have been heroic thus far. While many have counseled you to quit on Coho and kick her to the curb you have remained in the game trying to save your family. You will always be able to look back without doubts or regret and be satisfied you gave it your all.

We are all proud of you ZW. Time to take a stand and assert your self worth and implement harsh consequences for Coho if she cannot live without having sex with other men outside the marriage.

All the best.

SWW

How do you know she really went to her parent's house, Zen?

Why does Coho get to do whatever she wants to do and then, when she's feeling like she needs a foundation or stability, she comes running back to you?

She called on her way and while there. But yes, why does she always run.

Yes ... and she called from OM's last weekend and told you she was working late!!!

Wanna bet she didn't call OM too???

Wanna bet where she spends the night TONIGHT???

You YOURSELF told us that she hadn't gone over a few days without contact ... how many days has it been now???

ZW ... SERIOUSLY ... at some point you simply have to accept the OBVIOUS!!!

It's really hard to be hopeful about this situation, Zen.

I thought you took her phone from her.

How do you know she called on her way there?

How do you know she was there and not at OMs house?

And if she is there, how do you know she doesn't have access to another phone and computer?

I'm not trying to provoke you. But how many times has she lied and gone in search of OM? As Coho is now, she's seriously broken and you can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself. And as Coho is now, she's incapable of fidelity and truth. She admitted it herself.

It's your life Zen but think about what it's like to pull a bandaid off slowly vs. just ripping it off. Which gets the job done faster with less overall suffering?

Uh yeah. I think it's a bad sign when you almost want to lie about her contact, just so you can justify still trying.

She did call the OM last night at about 2:00, drunk. I went to her parents house to drop off the kids today. She was still there. Walked down the stairs hung over. After she collected herself, I went upstairs with her. She looked at her phone and acted surprised and said, 'oh sh*t'. She had called the OM. She was acting like she just remembered, as in too drunk. I just broke down crying. I think that was the longest stretch at 5 days. She kept apologizing and then a little blame shifting, then a little 'I didn't mean to'.


You don't have to whack me in the head anymore.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ZEN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry,

can't help it....

SWW

Question.... Was the GPS tracker on when she had her phone?

I'm so sorry ZW.

If you don't want to give up on her, then it's smple. Don't.

BUT....

You have to be tough. She has to face consequences. She has to look at herself in the mirror and see what SHE is. She isn't nice and you cannot protect her from herself. She has major, major problems. If she cannot see what a diamond of a man she has with you, then her problems are severe.

YOU CANNOT FIX HER. Accept what we are all saying.

IF she chooses to fix herself, then and only then should you invest again in your WW and your M.

She won't choose to fix herself if you continue to enable her, and prevent her from facing real consequences.

Everyone here is rooting for you but you really need to change your strategy.

We all see how much you love her. You have done all you can, but now she needs to step up. Take a step back and allow her to do the work to win you. You are the catch, not her.

Zen, I want to make sure you understand that this one statement is an indicator of a much much more serious issue (no offense to BSs) than straying. It is a deep-seated, intrinsic flaw in her. Toxic shame. Inability to face your humanness. The assumption that any time you have to admit to not being perfect, it means you are defective.

Flawed thinking, but those in toxic shame can see no other solution. That is why they will run rather than admit any guilt. They hate themselves too much to be anything other than perfect - so they choose to be defective. One or the other.

Until she can accept that she, like everyone else, IS imperfect, she will never do anything but choose defective.

She needs serious, weekly if not more often, hardcore therapy with a psychologist - not a therapist, but a degreed psychologist.

Oh, and if you get to the point where you have a lawyer fill out anything, change your wording to where if she meets up with ANY OM, not just THIS one, she forfeits everything. Ok? Because if you give her that leeway, she will just dump him and pick another guy. After all, you only said she couldn't go back to THIS guy. See the rationalization?

Zen, She just can't drink. The deciding factor on her staying goes deeper then the OM. She needs to be out if drinks.....anything. She has not been allowed to hit bottom and can't because you won't let her fall. As before she says anything to get in the door and a few days later she contacts him and a few days after that they are in bed together. Sorry to see you keep putting yourself through this.

Catperson - boy that rings true. I truly believe she feels the shame, I just don't think she can face it. I think she has genuinely been trying to come back, over and over. That's what hurts so badly, seeing her do this to us and knowing she doesn't want to. I mentioned that my sister was a herion junky for about 15 years. I've seen this cycle of self-loathing as she failed her family over and over.

I brought up that she knowingly exposed me to HIV (potentially - finally admitted to unprotected sex). She knowingly risked my life and hers. She threw up on the spot. The shame is there, she's just too far down in the hole to fix it. I keep asking her, telling her, begging her to muster the strength, to fight for it, but again, it's just me doing it. When the hard stuff hits, she runs.

This situation has become simply atrocious. It's gone from horrible to horrific. I won't let my life be ruined anymore.

The number one reason someone like you has to keep suffering, as well as her.

You don't let her fail.

She needs to be gone. She needs to be kicked out. Pay for her to enter a rehab facility if you want, but she needs to be out of your home. For HER sake, YOUR sake, and your families' sakes.