I just said a prayer for you after reading your post. Please don't give up! You are in God's hands!

Is there a reason you didn't have SF for a year and a half?

I think this could be a major reason your WS is having an A.

Do you know what his top EN's are?

Just some food for thought.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Sorry I got off last night and went to bed.

About the no sex for 1 1/2 years. We both have very stressful jobs. Both have problems with our backs. He complains all the time about neck and arm pain. I also think we had gotten in a rut about sex. Same old thing every time. He even said that.

I guess I was in denial. Thought it was his health, stress, and maybe low testosterone level. Boy was I wrong. Wish not I had done something about it but he never seemed to want to talk about it when I brought it up. I guess now it was because he was seeing OW.

That last week he was here with me we had sex 3 times in about 5 days....

I just did a very stupid thing. My WH was supposed to bring me a check if I gave him the guitars Wednesday night. He was real nice to me that night. Now he won't answer his phone and no check. I think I've been scammed again just to get the guitars. Now my son and I will hardly be able to pay the bills and eat.

I just called him a left a voice mail. I said "you have evidently scammed me again. You don't even care if your son and I can pay the bills or even buy food. I hope you and your little girlfriend burn in hell together.

Then I called back and left one more message. I said "I wouldn't tell our son this but I dont think you care one bit about him. You never answer his phone calls and you should be talking to him at least every other day. I think he was right. If he would have played college ball you would have stayed because you would get some glory....What a man you are"

I know this was terrible love busting but I've really come to the conclusion that he cares nothing about us. He scammed, lies, doesn't answer either of our calls and now have left us without enough income to even make it.

I think he is really in deep with this 31 year old woman. Since he's been gone this last month it seems to be getting worse and worse. I think their relationship has really blossomed now that they can be together all the time. I don't believe that he will ever come back. I am so very depressed and sad right now.

RN, the thing is that waywards lie... all the time. Yes, you probably shouldn't have done that but what you do now is get up, brush yourself off and start over. It's okay.

As far as the support, you really should do something about that if you can. He is OBLIGATED by law to support his child. If you don't want to go the legal route, do you have anyone you could turn to for help with food and the bills? Do you belong to a local church? There is NO SHAME in asking for help. Of course, your WH should be helping but if he isn't, you've got to do something. And trying to GUILT your WH into it won't work. Trust me, I tried everything to no avail.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've been right where you are. It's not too late. For now, concentrate on caring for YOURSELF and your son. He needs you. I know it's hard, but you can do it. You're an RN!

Hugs to you and prayers for you RN.

RN:

We have attempted to advise you what to do to fight this Affair.

So, I will give you the clinical way of doing it. And every hospital runs on paper.

Document IT.

Start documenting everything. That happens. So that your attorney can help you get the support that you so desperatly need.

Because your wayward husband doesn't care. HE doesn't care that you are broke. That his son is having issues. That you don't have toilet paper.

Your Husband no longer exists. He has been replaced by Wayward Husband.

We can provide all sorts of advice on how to defeat Wayward Husband. But its up to you to use it.

There is no "magic pill".

Only work. That YOU get to do.

(((RN)))


LG

Excellent advice LG, as usual.

OK - he did finally call me back. He said I don't appreciate the things you said on those voice mail. I said, "I'm sure you didn't but you were going to scam me again and I'm so tired of all this. I dont think you love me or want to be friends with us so if its her you want just tell me so I can move on with my life. I'm tired of being in limbo. Are you going to make me hire a PI to find out what is going on or are you going to tell me the truth about things. You have treated me like dog crap through this whole thing and I deserve to know what is going on.

He said, I will bring you a check tomorrow night and we will talk about it. Now I'm very afraid of what he will tell me. If he says it is her he loves, and not me, what should I do????

RNMom,

STEP BACK. STOP REACTING.

You are Love Busting all over the place.

Don't make me go back to my original post. :crosseyedcrazy:

Calling him names (scammer) is NOT helping you.

Get into plan A pronto.

Yes, he scammed you for the guitars. And. . . ?

You STEP BACK. You don't react.

Read up on MB.

Get a Plan. Stop being in your plan, which is not working, and get into Plan A. NO relationship talk. No name calling. Know what is happening and stop reacting. Get your PLAN. Listen up to the wonderful people that are trying to help you.

Stop this. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

STOP calling him and challenging him. Be nice.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

You have some great people giving you advise.

Listen up, do the right thing. By the way, have you exposed? You were asked this, and I don't know if you responded to this.

Exposure, along with plan A, emphasis being on plan A, is poison to the A.

Listen to the great people here.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

RNmom--do you hear how immature the above statement sounds? It is fogbabble and wayward speak.
You were advised NOT to give in to your H's request for these items yet you did it anyway and now you're surprised that he did not hold up to his end of the bargain?



Why did you do this? Maybe you should have "bargained" with him and said "when you give me the check, I will give you the guitars." He has used you yet again.

Even if you don't want to D you should at least consult with an attorney and establish some seperation agreement so that you can get financial support. It is way past time for you to get tough with WH--especially where finances are concerned.
Why are you so reluctant to stand up and protect yourself and your son from this crackhead?
Contact a lawyer...and get some kind of financial agreement in place--PROTECT YOURSELF, please.

And, BTW RNmom...Miss M is right...exposure is your only hope.

I just saw this and it is from a few days ago, so I don't know if anything has changed for you, but your story sounds very much like mine. I too feel davastated. I have been trying to be kind, loving (not romantic) to my husband and look my best when I see him, I don't know if that is plan A or not. This is my first day here. I don't know how to walk this journey, I just know that it is so painful. I do think it's best to back away from your husband. To be stong and confident around him. Good luck.

So much has happened since I talked to you last. He showed up Monday night and brought us a check. He only kept out a couple of hundred dollars out of his paycheck and gave us the rest. I asked him about his OW. I said that I had a right to know what the relationship was so that I could move on with my life. I asked if he loved her. He said "No, its nothing like that. I said "You know she will end up cheating on you" and he said Look, I know she is way too young and yes, she will end up cheating."

My son came home and we had so much fun. We kept teasing him about that he could get his guns back if he came home and we were all laughing. I said "What are you going to do with that condo when you come back" and he said I'll probably sell it. Then he said, "But I want to fix it up myself without your help because you'll make it all girly and stuff" It was a good night with him. My son and I both felt at the end of the night like he was probably going to come back.

I emailed him on Wednesday about my electric bill and said some funny comment about laundry and he answered back some funny comment and said he did have my electric bill and would call me.

I've never heard another word from him all week. I called him tonight about looking for my son that I was worried about. He said he would call me back in a few minutes. 30 minutes later, I got a text that just said "Ill be there at 7 AM to pick up son because they are doing a job together" I called and left message that I needed to talk to him about son. He finally called a long time later and acted like he didn't really want to talk to me. I said why don't you just come here and sleep since you guys have to get up so early because he seemed afraid that he wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. He acted very strange when I said that..very cool and declined my offer. I really felt offended.

I feel like even though he says he wants us to be friends, he never initiates anything with me. No phone calls or emails and hardly ever comes over.

I feel like I am the only one wanting the friendship even though he says he does. I wrote a Plan B letter tonight because I just don't know how much more feeling of rejection I can take. Now I'm wondering if he was telling the truth about his relationship with OW and it not meaning anything. He acts like he has a very short leash if you know what I mean. Either that or he just doesn't want very much to do with us although he has been very good about the money.

Should I give him the Plan B letter since I hardly ever talk to him? I can't handle very much more of these feeling of rejection.

Well...I've been crying all night long. I gave him the plan b letter. It did not go well. He came this morning to pick up my son to do a job with him today. I sort of stayed in my room because I feel like I need to back off some. He called later and said they would be working most of the day and he was nice.

He forgot to bring my electric bill so he told me on the phone that he would go to his condo and get it and bring it to me when they were finished with the job.

I got all dressed waiting for him and he just dropped my son off and went home - never came in. I called him and told him that I wanted to give him a letter and that I was coming over. I asked if she was there and his wouldn't answer. I said I was coming anyway and he kept asking what was in the letter but would never answer about whether she was there.

I told him that if she is there, you can just come out to my car and get the letter. I pulled in and sat in my car for a while reading the letter over again and he came to my window. He asked for the letter and I said, "Can I come in or is she there?" He said no she is not there but you can not come in because we agreed that we would not show up at each other's homes without calling first. I said "I wouldn't treat a dog the way you are treating me" I said, maybe I just need to call Matthew. He said "Who is Matthew?" and I said it's her husband. He yelled at me "So you just want to start a lot of s---t." I called him crying on my way home. Evidently he had only read half of the letter. I said, "I have never had anyone be so rude to me in my life" He said, "Just let me finish the letter and I'll call you back." I guess after he finished the letter and saw the no contact thing he decided not to call me back.

My sister came over here (she is going to by my intermediary). I had her call him to get his address so I could send mail and he acted irritated with her but gave the address. Wanted to know what it was I was going to send.

My sister and I talked trying to figure this whole thing out because it doesn't make any sense. Monday night he sounded like he was going to come home. I also asked if he wanted me to file for divorce and he said No. Then I remembered a conversation he and I had a few weeks ago before he left. I asked if she was pregnant and he denied it but then asked me if that were the case would you ever be willing to raise another woman's baby? I just kind of blew it off as smalltalk and said "No woman is going to give you custody of her baby."

Now, my sister and I are wondering if he left so suddenly and in such a desperate manner if she is indeed pregnant. He has told me in the past that she is a drama queen. Could it be that he feels that she may do something if he is not with her right now and that she is pregant? My sister thinks it was a very odd comment for him to make but he has sworn to me and to his mother that she is not pregnant.

Why doesn't he want me to file for divorce when he won't initiate any thing towards a friendship or anything?

So he got my Plan B letter and I am very, very sad. Don't know how I can go on without him. Does anyone think I even have a chance to get him back. I did a little good with Plan A but just found that I couldn't take feeling rejected all the time and felt I needed to go on to Plan B. I just didn't have enough opportunity with him to do a good Plan A because he dosen't live here and I don't communicate very much because he never contacts me.

You are all over the map.

You did NOT do a good plan A, or for very long.

I suggest you read a LOT more on this site and please RN, just STEP BACK and STOP REACTING to everything.

You are reacting, not doing what is healthiest for you and your family.

I don't know why you kept calling and talking about ow and about your relationship with WS.

It really is the opposite of what you are supposed to do.

You are supposed to go into Plan B after you have done a good plan A, that leaves and empty spot in your WS when you do it right.

It's too bad you didn't post your Plan B letter here and gotten help with it before you gave it to your WS. You could have a lot of help and good advice.

Have you gone to Plan B with your WS having good memories of you?

I don't think so.

Anyway, I suggest you read about MB and what it really is about.

We keep giving you advice and I don't think you have followed any of it. How can we help you when you just do what you want anyway?

The people that have been here a long time KNOW what you need to do. We have all been through it.

I am sorry you are having a hard time following Marriage Builders advice.

I don't know what else to say to you, you seem to be on your own agenda. You aren't in plan A or plan B, you are in plan RN.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but really, has what you have done so far been working for you?

Best wishes, I hope others can post and perhaps you will listen.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

If it was the wrong thing to do can I call him and take it back?

Hello RN,

MissM asked some very good questions that you should probably go ahead and answer to help people to help you...

I also have one...

You mentioned your OW's husband's name was Matthew...

Why did you THREATEN to call OW's husband Matthew instead of just DOING it?

Have you not exposed the affair to Matthew and EVERYONE else you know yet???

In reading your thread EVERYONE had advised you to EXPOSE THE AFFAIR and yet it seemed you had exposed only a very limited amount...

LIKE MISSM ADVISED, YOU MUST START USING A PLAN AND STOP JUMPING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Start with letting us know EVERYONE you have exposed to.

God bless.

Jim

Ok you are right. I have really blown it. I think my emotions have gotten the best of me and I have not done things the way I should have. I'm going to show you my Plan B letter and then tell me if there is anything I can do to turn my mistakes around.

Dear WH,

I have begun to realize over the last couple of weeks that for whatever reason, you do not really want a friendship with me at this time. This is very difficult for me to face as for so many years I have thought of you as my very best friend in the world. I always thought that you loved me and always had my best interest at heart. It's so inconceivable to me that I was so wrong believing you felt the same way.

Your adulterous affair has destroyed much of the good things about our marriage. It's like you don't even remember anything good about the last 20 years. You treat me now as someone who has no real meaning to you at all.

I very much wanted to at least rekinkle the good friendship we had but now I am beginning to see that it is an impossibility. It takes 2 people to commit to any kind of a relationship and only one of us desires it.

I'm not stupid. You don't come here to see our son and I, you don't call me or initiate any kind of contact with me. The way you acted when I suggested you spend the night here really showed me how little you want a relationship.

I know you pretty well. In spite of what you tell me, you do probably have a need for the same things we all do. Companionship, friendship, love, admiration, acceptance, emotional support, conversation, and affection. Someone else is filling those needs for you right now. At the same time, I'm not getting any of those needs met.

I can't make you love me or want me. That's just not possible. We each have to choose what makes us happy in life.

The way you have treated me has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt in my life. And I hurt so much for our son. This is really all out of my hands and in God's hands. I just know that I can't take anymore rejection right now. Feeling like I'm pressuring you to have a relationship of any kind that you don't want is just too painful for me right now. It is also destroying the love I have for you. With every lie you tell me, I loose a little more of what I feel for you.

I need to step away from you right now for my own self esteem and to preserve any love I have left for you.

I believe that our marriage is worth recovering but it can never happen when you are involved in an adulterous affair. It would take a lot of changes in me which I am willing to work on but it would also require you to have no more contact with (OW) ever again and I can't see that happening anytime soon. Right now, I believe that she has taken my place in meeting your needs because I can tell that you neither need or want me to meet any of those needs.

I have made a lot of mistakes in the past as you also have. I have been forgiven by God - I just can't seem to ever be forgiven by you. That's sad because I've had to forgive you for many things in the past.

I need some time to get myself together - for whatever the future holds. And I want God in my life.

I think it would be best for both of us if we had no more contact for a while. Maybe we can both figure out what we want.

If you need to get a message to me about any business matters, my sister has agreed to be an intermediary for us. That way, you don't have to talk to me anymore. She will be glad to relay any non-personal messages for us.

I want you to know how very much I appreciate the way you have helped us financially. It means a lot to me. Don't think for a minute that I don't know how hard you have had to work to do this.

Please try to have more of a relationship with our son. He really loves you and needs you.

I do want you to be happy and I will probably always love you as I remember the last 20 years very differently than you do.

Love and miss you,

RN