Sorry for the new thread.... This isn't so much related to my situation as it is to my "mental state".

Let me say my WW is doing damn near everything she can...could she be doing more? Maybe.. But that isn't the point.

My problem is the racing heart, thoughts, pain, and the times when I just totally wig out.

I did it last night. Worst yet. Again to her credit WW didn't just turn her back (as she did 4 years ago). She put up with my vile tirade. Just listened.

In Not Just Friends....this is addressed to a certian extent. Pretty much saying that the WS should expect it and the BS should try not to be too hard on the WS.

I do try.

I tried to do something for WS last night. It made her really happy. Then what I was doing became the trigger from hell. WW asked me to come to her work place. Not to keep track of her. But just so I wasn't home alone (kids are w/ in-laws). A married woman was doing the eye thing...then some greasy guy was hitting on all the woman in the place.
Okay....maybe that wasn't the right environment for me. Not my sorta place anyway.

WW didn't know how I would re-act. Nor did I. Though I should have.

But none of that is really my question....so no comments about how stupid of me that was....

How can I limit my emotional reaction to situations like that?

How can I limit my daily triggers?

How, once I'm in mid-wig-out....can I shut it down?

So often my heart takes off like a race horse out of gate! There is no stopping it until the whole thing has run it's course. Then behind me it's like the HULK went through (emotionally speaking...not physically).

How do I explain to my WW that yeah, I wigged out, but it's not so much about you. That's this is what I feel.

I feel guilty later. if I was a violent person, I would have hurt people by now. I'm not. But there is emotional wreckage. I feel like a turd, like the wife-beater who the next day say's "sorry baby" and expects it to all be better.

I'm smart enough to not expect that. Even though that is what I need most.

Please
Please.....

If anyone responds...leave my WW out of this...yeah sure, I'm not following all the advice I've gotten here. But this problem is about me. I would still be having this problem if I had sent WW packing a month ago.

How do I deal with it?

DD,

I posted a thread on the Recovery forum yesterday that you might want to check out about just such things...

Managing Memories

See if it helps or at least gives you some ideas.

Mark

DD,
This sure sounds like PTSD to me. Do a Google search on it and see what you can find. Are you on antidepressants? They can be very helpful with this sort of thing, since they kill much of the emotional pain that is setting you off. Good luck.
Mulan (knows EXACTLY what you are talking about)

MARK1952...
thanks...that's the technical sort of post I needed. I'm able to use that information Thank you.
My WW hates my technical mind. Hates that I ask questions. Hates that I question everything (even not affair related).

That's just my nature.

Mulan...I tried AD's last time WW had an affair. Don't know if it was psychosymatic (spelling??) or real, but they made me even worse...even a month later. Tried St John's as a milder solution...still...upset. Being honest, I think the idea of med's makes me even more upset. Sorta counter-acts any positive.
Makes me dwell on the negative.

I can finally tell that my WW is trying. Last night was beyond proof positive. She stuck with me in my darkest hour. Even when I threw her under the bus with my words and emotions.

I know....to all the naysayers I've not followed your steps. But WW showed me............
let me explain...

WW works for a nation-wide resturant/bar company. She is a manager. She changed jobs from when she had her last affair.

But too late for me to make our marriage work well.
I was tired and beaten. I gave up.

MB 101

I messed up. It wasn't about exposing. Or the truth. Just simply, the state of the marriage.

WW, went her way...I took care of the home....

A split.

WW, in her own "state" let herself fall. I could say I did too. But my fall is that I did'nt fix this marriage.

So today, here I am "Again" trying to fix things.

The solo part hurts............

DD,

You may not need anti depressants but rather an anti anxiety perscription. The one I am thinking of was originally prescribed for smoking and found to work well for depression, but it really addresses anxiety. Welbrutin is the name if not spelled correctly.

I have a few other comments. I hope that you had the grace and class to thank your W for enduring your outburst last night. Nothing helps someone getting beat up (as you should well know) as acknowledgement that they are in fact appreciated for their strength and fortitude. In short she needs encouragement.

Finally, if you are really and truly losing it based on triggers and NOT what she is doing, then you need help. You need to address your inability to control your emotions and the lack of boundaries that says acting out is acceptable. It is not, not even in your situation.

In short you need to learn how to address this. PTSD may well be the issue here and it can be addressed but first and foremost you have to decide your actions are not acceptable and decide to do something.

I know it should be that the BS is the one that is damaged, but you are damaged in ways similar to a WS in an affair. You apparently need some help dealing with what has been done, whether or not you deserved this damage is NOT the issue at hand.

Please seek some good counseling and address these issues. I would guess based on simply what you have posted here, that part of the problem is that you are at war with yourself. Part of you doesn't respect the part that wants to reconcile your marriage. You are not angry so much at your W as you are with yourself.

Address it.

God Bless,

JL

A non-prescription solution that I have found works for me is to take a break from whatever is triggering me or making me angry. If you can walk away and just do some breathing exercises or visualization techniques until you are calmer, that may work for you. When my husband says or does something that set me off (I know it because I can feel that tingling in the back of my neck), I now take a break. He lets me. We come back to the discussion when we have calmed down. I give him a break when I see that he is getting frustrated also. We have eliminated angry outbursts with this technique. It gets easier the more we do it. I think that it would work for triggers too. I also come here and vent when I am triggered rather than wig out on my husband. I have also left him notes instead of getting in his face when something makes me unhappy. That has worked well for us also. Our tempers are just under the surface because this is so fresh. Anger management techniques can be learned. Hope this helps.

DD,

Don't overlook the benefits to your brain function of a good workout. Exercise can improve serotonin uptake and increase endorphins which will do a lot to alter your mood and modify your emotional state.

A Duke University study released in 2000 showed that, for some people, 45 minutes of exercising, three times per week, was as effective in lessening depression as was taking the antidepressant Zoloft.

Long walks can help, partly through the exercise aspects but also just being out in nature can help a lot. Fresh air and sunshine can really help with depression and the vitamin D can do you some good too.

Mark

mark,
my issue with any sort of exercise is that as soon as my heart starts to pump, I go over the top ape-sugar. Heck, so often, sitting alone, quiet, my heart just starts to race with no obvious trigger or thought that caused it.
And by race, I feel it in my neck and throat. whole body is a mess.
WW doesn't get it when I start deep breathing just to try and calm down.

BUT...WW thinks I should be "over it" by now. Cause she is!

This was the stuff I didn't want to go through again.

DD

This sounds like "panic attacks" to me. Trust me if they are i KNOW how horrible they make you feel. Last July (2008) they started on me one day out of the blue when i was seemingly calm, we were camping for goodness sakes (one of my favorite things to do) and they were very intense.

My heart was beating so hard and so fast i could feel it in my chest, i could not breath, i was visibly shaking on the outside and shaking even worse on the inside. It was HORRIBLE and it was like one panic attack that lasted for about 4-6 weeks.

I ended up going to my family doctor and a counselor but i too had to get on an anti-depreesant along with an anti-anxiety med. I too do not like to take medicine but i was so bad that i could not work or anything for about 4 weeks until the meds started kicking in even then it took about 3 weeks longer before i felt myself again.

I am STILL taking those meds and i would not dare stop because i still do not feel ready to stop them. I hope someday to be able to quit taking them, but i HAVE to function.

Hey DD,

I have no advice offer but I understand exactly what you mean about taking the meds. I stopped because of exactly the same thing. It was like this situation had taken such control over me I needed to be medicated- which seem to exacerbate my anger with my WH for his choices, add in the pregnancy and it became even more depressing because of the fear I had of hurting my child. To me, this website and this board is better than any rx available.

I hope you are able to find the answers you need.

BOB

Okay let me "sign up" and say I agree that I have either PTSD or am suffering from panic attacks. The cause and the effect are covered.

I know what caused this. It's the result of my WW's affair. It's devastated me (again).

A person has to know what they can and can't do. I know I can't seem to take meds. I know, currently, working out isn't cutting it; that seems to make it worse.

Breathing seems to help. Thing is that's short stop gap. Almost makes it worse when the next "attack" occurs. Sorta like plugging one leak, then waiting for another, and another, and another till I run out of fingers. THEN the fun starts.

I've read a little bit. But how does a person move past these attacks? Better said, how does your average person do it? Sure if I was fixed for money like the rich and famous, I could go rent Dr. Phil or his twin. Point being I'm not able to do that.
I'm stuck with my troubles and dealing with them on my own.

That's a lonely feeling. Which, often in of itself get's me a tad upset.
There is fear, trust issues, betrayal, pain, and remorse. The remorse really sucks. Cause after you flip out, you feel like a goat turd for such a long time. WW wants to be far away from me, like the land of Oz.
Keep telling her what I need is for her to stick with me. Not using guilt to make her do it. Asking her to stick with me cause it's the right thing to do. Cause there is no one I would rather be with.
Of course like so many BS, I just want to smother WS. That sucks too. Make you feel like a needy cur.

None of this is like a vacation. THAT IS FUNNY. I'm on vacation. Took a week off. AND I just get to spend it dealing with this yucky stuff. Worry that in the end I'll still be right in the same spot.