It's been 10 days since bf left. I've learned a lot since them, but I'm still suffering from pretty bad depression, I struggle to do what I need to do. I'm in the bed so much, I should have bed sores. I've lost 5 lbs
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I've called him since he left last Friday, he really doesn't inititiate a lot of calls to me. On Monday and Tuesday he seemed disappointed when I bailed out on seeing him. By Wednesday, I think it was more about getting some clothes than it was about seeing me. I really think she dropped him off here. I snuck him in the back, he came in took a shower, he talked to her on the phone about how good it felt to take that shower and than he confirmed that I wouldn't tell before we slept together.
I am hurt more than ever, because some of the things we said about him being a serial cheater do not seem to be so. He has not come to see me since, he talks to me and does little stuff for me, but I am pretty sure that she is aware of all of this and she does not seem to care. And he really has no interest in seeing me. He said he felt quilty about being with me. He said that he still cares for me but loves her (D- that changes quickly, just 10 days ago it was the other way around) When he left Thursday morning he left his dirty clothes and took a couple of clean pieces. I think right now he is just trying to be my friend, because it is convenient.
I've had some major highs and lows, I pretty much talk to him several times a time, and that is good, I'm high when he wants to be with me and I can make it through without letting him come, I'm not really happy when he's here, because I know he's not here because he loves me,but I'm happy he's not with her, but in the middle of each day (when he gets off work). He's got his plans figured out and I can tell that aside from Mon-tues and Wed (when I gave in), he hasn't wanted to see me at all!
Also, he has been going to the bar with her every Friday night. We never went to the bar together, even when I asked him he didn't want to go. Strange. It seems like a strange activity for a new couple. But I was going to go to that bar as well (there aren't many around here) and he told me that she would be there and that he didn't want her to get upset if she saw us talking and that he just wanted to have peace in his life. I didn't go.
I have been trying to keep myself a float by being able to talk to him, here and there, but during the weekend we hardly ever talk and I get deeply saddend when he is not available. Day 10-I've turned my direct connect off so that he can't just pop into my phone and I am going to try to avoid his other calls. He came here this A.M to get his keys, he had someone with him, but he acted as if he wanted to come in, I just handed the keys to him out the door and I did not let him come in. I collected our medical cards (he is listed as my demostic partner) on my health. He has not returned my car/house keys or made any effort to remove himself completely from my life. When he spent the night, I asked about keys and he said, it's not like I come up here anyway. I do feel like as much as he has gone, certain things he is holding on to, like leaving stuff, and keeping the keys, but I know if I tell him to come get and return everything he will. I'm not going to tell him that. I am going to try and pay him less attention than he is paying me so that I can heal myself and maybe one day, he'll want to come home.
He told me on Valentines day that he was not happy. So, I am not all that upset with him for the choice that he made. He fell out of love with me and he wasn't happy, he also, knew that I wasn't happy (must of the time) maybe one day we can make each other happy again. I will not blame him for this I blame us both.
