I'm 11 months out from dday 1 and 7 months out for dday 2. Is it too late for a polygragh?

My reasons for wanting one:
1. To find out FOR SURE if his A was an EA and not a PA as he claims
2. To find out if there is still contact even though I haven't found anything that points to it.

He knows about the key logger on his computer (because I went ballistic when I found he'd contacted her again 4 months after dday, those the dday 2) so he'd have to be really stupid to email the skanky ho but he has a work cell that he used to call her and she him that he can erase calls off of before getting home. He knows that I check it.

He's transparent in the sense that I know his passwords to his email and cell phone and he tells me where he's going, been etc.

But he also has a desk phone at work that he can use to contact and that I have no access to at all.

He does HVAC sales so he's in and out of the office all the time. His job is also one where he does not get home at the same time every day. Sometimes he's in the office and sometimes he needs to meet clients late in the afternoon. He has weeks where he has a lot of out of the office meetings.

He still works for the same company where he worked when all this was going on (she quit 2 weeks after dday 2) and those idiots that he works with saw nothing wrong with his "Friendship" with her so there's no accountablility there. Even though they all know that I see things differently and our marriage is struggling.

His boss's response to my H was "Did you F her?", H said he told him "No", boss says "Then what's the problem??" I really hate them all!!!

BS(me) 45
F?WH 41
Married almost 19 years
S25 ~ SSgt USAF, currently deployed to Iraq
S15
D9

Its never to late for a polygraph.

Ok, this is getting weird. My F?ws also has a work phone and a landline phone that I can't check. He actually had his hookups at the base hotel. YUCK! I asked for a polygraph and my ws refused. I don't know how else to get the truth either. He says that I will use it against him or that the test results might not be accurate. A lot of bull if you ask me. I know that there is more to the story but have hit a brickwall for now.

My f?ws co-workers are ridiculing him because he doesn't hang out with them at bars anymore after work and he comes home for lunch instead of going out with them. They know he cheated and they are calling him ***whipped for staying and working on his marriage. I don't like them much either!!!

SS2.....not long after one of the ddays, I can't remember which, I told H that I wanted him to take a polygragh. His first response was NO. Weeks later, I told him again that I wanted one and told him that by telling me NO, he sounded guilty of something that he wasn't telling me about and didn't want me to find out about.

He said that he would take one but was afraid that he he'd get a false positive. That's Bull as far as I'm concerned.

Here's something I found on the internet that you can share with your H:



BS(me) 45
F?WH 41
Married almost 19 years
Dday1 April 13, 2008
Dday2 August 8, 2008
S25 ~ SSgt USAF, currently deployed to Iraq
S15
D9

I know that it is bull! I am giving him time to get his head out of the fog (6 months max) and then, I need a polygraph. I know that he is still covering his butt and not telling me everything.

I think it took about 4 months for my F?WH to stop referring to the skank as a "friend", saying "We're JUST FRIENDS" and to really see what was going on with her and what it did to our marriage.

Of course that was after DDay #2 and a major discussion about why they weren't friends and when they stopped being friends and became something else.

Is not to late. More importantly what will you do if he refuses? What will you do if he fesses up prior to the poly? What will you do if he fails? What are your boundaries?

{{jojo}}

Black_Raven,
He has already said that he will take the polygragh. He said he'd do anything that I wanted him to do to help me begin to get past this and prove that he is telling the truth.

I plan to talk to him tonight about this, prior to setting it up. If there's something he needs to "Come Clean" about, now is the time to do it, not the night before the polygraph. If there is something to tell and he has been continuing to lie to me for 7 months about what went on and whether there's been continued contact, I'm not sure how I will feel. I just want the truth.

My instincts tell me there's more to what he says went on. I don't think that there's been contact but I have to know for sure. I have to know that my marriage over the past 7 months is based in honesty not lies and deception.

If he doesn't come clean prior to the polygragh and he fails, then I'm headed for Plan D. There's no if's, and's or buts. That is where my boundary is.

I told him last week that the "not knowing" was killing me. That I'm leaning, even now, without the polygragh, towards divorce. I feel that the polygragh will put a lot of what I feel to rest, one way or the other.

Well saying it and doing it are two different things. Since you are already leaning towards divorce, would Plan B be possible?

I agree, but I really think he will do it. He's been way too adament that he's telling the truth.

I'm not really leaning towards divorce. It's just not off the table though and he knows it.

Plan B is impossible when you live in the same house. He did tell me last week that he would leave if it was what I wanted. Like I told him, it's not what I want. I want to know for sure that he is telling me the truth. That's what I want.

Did you ever expose his A?

Yes, to a certain degree. To his Father and sister, his work. My family I am not close to so I didn't see a point in telling all of them. As for OW's live in BF, I could not find him, no longer worked where I though he did. I know his name but that was about all that I came up with.

The skank and my H worked together, she is no longer employed there but I do know where she now works.

Update:
Originally had polygragh set up for 1pm today. Had to cancel because H has a meeting at 2pm with his boss and a client that he cannot get out of. I did check to see that this is true and it is.

Of course, with my luck, the examiner is out of town next week so the polygragh is set up for Friday April 10th.

BS(me)45
F?WH 41
Married 6/1990
EA? 4?/07- 4/08
Dday1- 4/13/08
Dday2- 8/8/08
S25 ~ currently deployed to Iraq on his 2nd tour
S15
D9
Trying to recover

And he passed it with flying colors...

The examiner said afterwards that my H showed NO SIGNS of deceit

Basically, the questions were (I have to get the written report for the exact wording):
(Q) Did you have ANY sexual contact with the SOW (to include kissing, touching of any kind, any type of sexual contact).
(A) NO

(Q) Did you EVER meet the SOW alone, before, during, after work or on weekends (other than the 2 lunches that your wife already knows about)?
(A) NO

(Q) Since DD2, have you had ANY type of contact with the SOW...i.e. phone, in person, text, email, with SOW?
(A) NO

My FWH cried when he was discussing the EA with the examiner (although I was not in the room, I could hear him). He also got all teary eyed with the examiner was telling me the outcome of the test.

He has been very remorseful. He has professed to me that he's heartsick at what he has put me through.


My FWH (I now feel that I can add the "F" to WH) has maintained since DDay1 that it was an EA that there was NOT any physical contact at ALL with the SOW. I know that there are a lot of you here on MB that did not believe that this was the case. Actually it took Dday2 for him to admit that it was an EA, between DDay 1 and DDay2 he said that they were "Just Friends" , it took DDy2 for him to see that it was an EA.

Since DDay2, my marriage has been better than I can ever remember it being. He's meeting my EN's and I'm meeting his. My sticking points have been 1) was his A really an EA or was it a PA and 2) was he still in contact with her.

Now that I know that it wasn't a PA and that he has had NO CONTACT with the SOW since August 8, 2008, I can FINALLY begin to start RECOVERING from this NIGHTMARE and hopefully the rollercoaster will stopping being so bad.(tomorrow is the 1st Anniversary of DDay 1)

I'm glad that I asked him to take the polygraph, I'm very thankful that he did it without hesitation, and that he passed it without any doubts.

I love my FWH with all my heart and I so look forward to our life together, since I can now say that we are in recovery....

BS(me)45
FWH 41
DDay1 ~ 4/13/08
DDay2 ~ 8/8/08
Married almost 19 years (6/23/90)
S25 ~ currently deployed to Iraq on his 2nd tour
S15
D9
"In recovery with the man that I love more than life"

Awesome!! Now you can relax. I hope you are giving him lots of hugs and kisses, Jojo!

JoJo, i have not read much about your situation but that is awsome news. So nice to read great news like this on this site now and again!

Im have no doubt that you have already let your Husband know how much this means to you.

I am. It feels great to know that he's telling the truth and has been the entire time.

I think I can now begin to find the trust.

JoJo,

I would say congrats, but considering the circumstances, I don't think that is necessarily appropriate. I will say good for you and your M that you can now move forward knowing you have all of the truth.

Want2Stay

Want2Stay,
What circumstances are you referring to?

JoJo