I am 46 years old. Married 15 years with three kids. My wife joined Facebook late 08. Spent more and more time on it. Two weeks ago told me she had "feelings" for another man. Admitted she had met with him once and had just kissed. Swore she'd broken it off after a long "discussion.".

Four days later I checked her cell records and found she was talking to the other guy often. Another emotionl "discussion" and again the promise it was over. One week after this I discovered a chat with this same guy. He had assumed a new identity on Facebook and my wife had not deleted it. I confronted her and again the heartfelt promise.

We are meeting with a marriage counselor tomorrow for the first time.

I want to save my marriage and protect my children. I am in agony over this. Any and all advice would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

EXPOSURE is your best tool to bring an end to this before it develops any further (I'm assuming it hasn't - if your WW has actually met him more than once, then quite likely it's gone physical too).

How old are your children?

Is the OM M'd?

Where is the OM located?

Do they work together?

In the meanwhile, read up on "Plan A" on this website, as that is what you should be practicing now.

Is your wife a stay at home mom?

How do you confront her. Tell her "Well I guess you got your revenge, do you love him?" You have to be looking at her face when you ask her.

Place a password entry onto your home computer. Old school maybe but she needs help to keep her hand out of the cookie jar so to speak!!

Also install a keylogger on the computer, without her knowing.

Close down facebook forever. (after you find out everything you can about OM)

Check her cell phone and cell phone bill. Snoop, Snoop, Snoop.

Her promises mean nothing, she is addicted to this OM, and the fantasy life.

Ditto the info above.

Exposure to those who can help you.

OM... Married? You need intel. If he is also M, you have to contact OMW. Odds are, he will disappear for your life!

Snoop: keylogger. She can't help herself. She's proven that.
WHEN you discover she has lied again. Do you have an internet router at home? Learn to use it. Add www/facebook.com from the blocked list on the router.

Change phone numbers. If he shows up again... There's no question how he made contact... SHE DID.

ManinMotion

I appreciate your reply. My kids are 12, 10, and 7. The OM is newly divorced. The OM lives about 150 miles away. They do not work together. Today I found a new "disposable" phone in her purse. This was after our first meeting with a marriage counselor. I confronted her with it after asking her repeatedly to honestly tell me if she was still in contact with the OM. She lied repeatedly. I have now been spreading the word to all her close friends and family. I have cut off contact from her for the present time and am going to read the Plan A material. Thanks.

She is a stay at home mom, yes...

You know, I've asked her that a dozen times over the last week. "Do you love him?" Her reply has been a uniform "No".

You know I did that. Then I broke down and gave it to her. I felt guilty, if you can imagine that. I'll do it again.

Have already researched the "snoop" software. That is going to happen tomorrow.

Ok, some details to get the snoop software on the computer undetected. What version of operating system is being run? What Anti-virus? What anti-spyware software is present?

I'm asking because I KNOW you'll need to disable or allow certain features to ignore the keylogger.

I simply did a trial of a keylogger on my own computer and was astounded by the number of ways Vista detected th damn thing.

John, You need to close all joint bank accounts and any credit cards. If you can't trust her with your heart. You can't trust her with your money. Pay all your bills on line. Give her no money. She bought a phone with your money to cheat on you. If she needs groceries, tell her to make a list. Tell her that you figured if she had no money. She would have to get a job, which will leave less time for her to cheat on you. THE POWER IS YOURS. That is if you are willing to use it.

You should tell your kids that their M has a boyfriend through Facebook and that this is not acceptable. Do not hide the truth from them, they are old enough to know what is going on in their family.

Let WW answer their questions after that, with you present so that you hear what she is telling them.
This will also be 3 pairs of spying eyes .....

How did you find out the info about the OM?

Did you search the disposable phone and hide it?

Plan A is not cutting off all contact, it is quite the opposite.

Will post the info needed for Plan A.

You need to read the books from this site, Surviving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs. You will need the info in them for Plan A, and you will have a better understanding of the MB plan.

Don't cave, WW needs to see you in control of the M.

Don't listen to her when she talks irrational, ignore it, change the subject, walk away, sing a song, whatever ...

Don't get yourself into a pissin' contest challenging WW words, you will get nowhere.

There are 2 parts to Plan A.

The carrot part is designed to win WW back to you, make you look more attractive than OM, in every aspect.
The stick part is to fight the A.

Study this and follow it to a T.


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Hit her in the cash.

All. Thanks for advice. I have exposed WW to her best friends, most immediate family and to some Facebook friends. I also sent a text asking OM for his and his ex's home address and phone numbers. Think this shook him up. He has three kids too. I got in and made it impossible for WW to access Facebook. Changed log in passwords for both home computers. She is plenty pissed. One real problem I have is a mandatory business trip coming up in a few days. I'll be gone 10 days. Very worried about this.

I would be worried too, very worried.

Can you take WW with you? Have someone stay with the kids.

Have a family member come into stay with WW, I know this sounds silly, but .....

Have WW friends check up on her CONSTANTLY.

I would pick the most drastic one, I know it will probably be the least convenient one but drastic times require drastic measures.

Hindsight is not always good.

Have you told your kids?

Your going to be gone that long and she is pissed off. Good luck. Did she confess anything, is there any contrition for being an adulteress? Again, close the accounts, stock up on food. Hide her credit, in case of emergency. And let her know that if you can't trust her to not have sex with other men. You can't trust her with your money. Seriously.