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My husband of 18 years had pretty much lost his desire for sex a long time ago (after a great sex life together). He has depression, and we just figured it was all the meds. But when we go out of town, he has desire again ( but cannot have an orgasm). So when we got home from Florida the end of January, he confided that he can have an orgasm when he masturbates. Then I find out that he has been masturbating 1-2 times daily for years. I am so mad that he let me think it was me for all these years. I feel like he is cheating on me without the other person, and I can't cut off his hands! What do I do, he said he was going to stop, but I know he hasn't. HELP....I am so resentful.
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Joined: Nov 2008
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I don't think he should stop. It is normal to masturbate. But, if it is interferring with your sex life, you guys need to talk about it and fix things.
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Joined: Oct 2004
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I don't think it's normal to replace a "willing" wife for masturbation.
If he has the ability to orgasm on his own, but is having issue climaxing with you, is it possible he is having issue with finding you sexually attractive?
Just a thought...
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Joined: Apr 2009
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Umm. No. I am very attractive and we always had a very amazing sex life until the depression set in. He said that he is so used to pleasing himself, that it is hard for him to have an orgasm with me. And, I really think that masturbating 1-2 times a day is a tad bit excessive, don't you?
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Well the fact there's no chance he not find you attractive is good news...
Without getting too personal, I can suggest men are very visual. You can play on that in numberous ways. You can turn house cleaning or cooking dinner into something more.
I would suggest "catching" him fist thing in the morning also.
Anything to break his routine, and replace that with thoughts of what is she doing or wearing!
As for your last question... I ain't gonna touch that one!
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In the book His Needs Her Needs, it is suggested that all sexual fulfillment is saved for the spouses to enjoy together. If he is climaxing twice a day it will be very hard for him to climax with you. Have you tried watching him masturbate and doing similar moves for him? You can use the same techniques and transition to other things that include more of you. He can also watch you do the same. That may be a way to transition his solo sex to something more mutually satisfying. I would try to keep it fun and non-judgemental. A lot of men prefer the solo sex because it is easy. Maybe he is just bored. What once was great can grow boring if it is the same all the time. I wouldn't try to educate him or scold him. I would try to join him.
Over it.
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Joined: Feb 2009
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Try joining him,see were it goes from there.
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Umm. No. I am very attractive and we always had a very amazing sex life until the depression set in. He said that he is so used to pleasing himself, that it is hard for him to have an orgasm with me. And, I really think that masturbating 1-2 times a day is a tad bit excessive, don't you? I missed the part about his depression. This may be extremely important regarding why he is choosing to lock you out of his sex life. What is the cause of the depression? What are his issues? Are they marital issues? Is he seperating himself from you for any other reason?
Over it.
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his mom committed suicide 14 years ago, and since then he and his siblings have all been on depression meds. you need to understand that we have masterbated together, along with fulfilling his other fantasies. i have been very open about doing whatever pleases him. but for the long haul, he can go without sex for 6 mos at a time.
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But he isn't going without sex for 6 months at a time. He is just excluding you. Is he in therapy or just on meds?
Over it.
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just on meds right now. i am currently trying to find a counselor, mainly for me to be able to cope with the resentment i am feeling towards him, and hopefully he will be open enough to go with me.
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Well besides his depression, does he have a self image problem? I know that may not be the case for men, but I know women can feel so self conscious that they cannot orgasm with their partner, but can do it by themself.
This obviously is not physical, but psychological. And it's a problem that HE has to be willing to work on because he has the issue.
How does he feel about himself? Is there something you can do or say that will build his confidence?
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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I believe as well as simply having no energy left over for sex when masturbating frequently that both men and women can train themselves to only be able to orgasm in a specific way. It takes time and patience and stopping doing the favoured activity to teach yourself to be able to respond normally to different types of stimulation.
Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
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Look I would make sure that your skills of communication are very good. My lady would complain that I could not satisfy her. This put a strain on our lovemaking.
Please ask him nicely if there is a problem with the sex. Don't jump on him. It is a joint problem.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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If your sex life was good, pre-depression onset, then the depression must be the key(unless there are other health or psych problems). I am no expert , but , a couple things come to mind.
First, if he is on meds, orgasming can be difficult. So, masturbation may enable him to monitor when he is close to climax and do what is neccessary to go over the line. You would not have access to this sensory input .
Second, it seems masturbation would be less physically taxing in some ways and his overall energy level may be diminished either by the meds or the depression itself.
I would check with a doctor on these issues. Getting angry at him may drive you further apart. Can you guys get some MC on this issue?
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I believe as well as simply having no energy left over for sex when masturbating frequently that both men and women can train themselves to only be able to orgasm in a specific way. It takes time and patience and stopping doing the favoured activity to teach yourself to be able to respond normally to different types of stimulation. That's exactly it. He has become used to his own hand so that's the only way he can orgasm now. The cure is to stop. Only orgasm through regular sex. If he fails just pause and try again the next day. Eventually the pressure will build and he will orgasm the normal way. It's not easy--especially to pause for a day. Also you have to determine if he is addicted to porn.
Hope, Love, and Faith
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