What do you think: Is sexting an emotional affair? How do we treat it?

Yes, it is. That was the crux of my FWH's EA. It's treated like any other affair.

Absolutely and more.
A third party was brought into the sexual aspect of the M.
Your H's SF was initiated by OP, and that is who he was thinking of during it.

Without knowing more of the situation, first stop the source of the A. Put precautions in place to prevent it from happening again.

Welcome to MB.

TY. This is a wonderful support forum.

So any advice and feedback is appreciated. I'm working on my own esteem, shaving my legs, getting my hair done, not going out and having an affair myself... I've taken away the cell phone and we're doing lots more together. I just appreciate all the help we need. I'm still on the fence about whether to divorce or not. I said it, the D word. In the meantime, I'm being responsible for our home.

Yes it is an A, i would say more than an EA but not quite a PA, but an A none the less.

This is a very strange story. I feel like I saw it in a movie. Maybe I'm in a movie. Maybe there's an alternate universe somewhere and I've switched places with this other me, like in Seinfeld's Bizarro World. That's the quality of numb I feel. But I'm maintaining. Jesus, we're grandparents. We're their rock. The grandchildren think we have all the answers. So initially, that's why I'm working on my marriage. I think most all people have the needs described here, so finding another mate would be starting over and making the same mistakes. I might as well work with what I have and see if it can be repaired.
On 12/24/08 DH received a text message: "hey", then another on 1/6/09: "whassup". They continued and he started answering them. They turned sexual. In late February, I looked over the cell phone bill, went into the detail because it was unusually high. DH learned how to text. He sex texted from January through early March to the tune of $400.00. I'm going to get the device which undeletes the messages. He told me they turned into sexual messages. From the phone bill records, some days they texted for hours. Some days overnight. When I told him the cell phones were going to be disconnected he stopped texting.
I called the number he was texting. It turns out it was a teenager. She sounded 13 years old. She was frantic that I brought up the texting on my phone bill. She went balistic. She hung up on me. Her mother called back because her daughter was disturbed. I told her that I called the number because my cell phone had unusually large text charges. I did not tell the mother that my husband is 58 years old.
A reasonable person would know I think after 2 or 3 texts that this was a young girl. It got graphic, not in pictures but words. I addressed the mother's phone conversation to DH. He said for a young girl she had the filthiest mouth he ever saw. He said he wouldn't have continued if he knew it was costing. LOL. Then he said he knew it was wrong.
DH is a recovering alcoholic, sober for a number of years, and a compulsive gambler. We both banned ourselves from the local casinos. He has experienced a number of stress peaks and doesn't have coping skills. When the young girl didn't respond to his phone call to her, he called an older acquaintance asking her to lunch. I noticed this on the bill and emailed her as to the content of their calls and texts. She told me he asked her to lunch and she told him she was busy and picking up grandchildren. We had a good discussion confiding that she had experienced an A in her own marriage and it was hard to recover. She assured me she wasn't interested and I believe her. DH is sick. Any thoughts.
I'm reading all of the material and it's wonderful. I'm okay surprisingly because I've emotionally detached from him. I've asked him to get treatment. He wants to throw himself into religion. That's okay but I think he's trading one addiction for another, not getting to the root of the problem.

So he gets a random text...am I getting this right? He answers and it turns sexual - but he has no idea who this girl is. That sounds fishy to me. How come you didn't tell the girl's mom what was going on? I think you should have, especially if she's really as young as she sounds.

Yes, he received a random, anonymous text which turned into sex texting from a teenager. Teenagers are rampant now. He has no idea who the girl is. He says he didn't know it was a young girl. That is VERY fishy. I could tell in 2 seconds of talking to her on the phone that she was a kid. I didn't expose to the girl's mom because the next step would be reporting to the police. I am still at that stage of whether to report to the police.

I'm thinking this through. DH is an addict. Alcohol, gambling, sex apparently.

So I've completed the ending of the A part. Took away the cell phone, confronted him with the print out of the phone bill for him to see the evidence of the calls, times, dates, lengths of calls. He's shown some remorse but not enough to satisfy me. I think he should have been in tears. No remorse to me means criminal behavior. I told many people and exposed him to our important friends. He knows he's sick but so far, not receptive to treatment.

I'm reading and reading, spending lots of time with him... I'm just guessing but I think he's in the withdrawal stage.



me: 51
wh: 58
M: 14 yrs.

Hoo boy.

I'm so sorry. What a crappy situation.

I think you need to let her mother know, and if she chooses to go to the police, that's the price your husband will have to pay for his behavior. Wouldn't you want to know if this was your daughter?

I know you love him, and I'm sure you feel VERY torn. But you can't protect him from the consequences of his chosen behaviors. That's enabling him. He committed a crime against this child. Think about that for a minute. Her mother must know.

I am so sorry.

DD,

I'm sorry that your WH has put this situation on your family.

I agree with broken soul that the mother of this girl should know. This girl needs help also, she is far too young to start her life out like this. Her safety is also in question when texting men that she apparently does not know. ???

Call the Harley's for counseling, you can get the info from this site.

Thanks so much. I've been thinking the same things.

I don't envy you. I thought about you and your situation quite a bit today. My FWH's A was all about sexting too. That was devastating enough. I can't imagine having the added impact of finding out it was just a kid - and a random one at that.

Wow Diva, what a mess your WH has brought to you.

If I found out my teenage daughter was doing something like that (not only would she be banned from cell phones for life) but I would get help for her ASAP as there is clearly a problem. As for the 58 year-old man (your husband) sexting her back? He'd be registered as a sex-offender for the rest of his life when I was finished. Not knowing her age is NO EXCUSE under the law. A minor is a minor.

Your WH is fortunate that this wasn't a sting (you know like the ones you've seen on TV) to trap child molesters.

I'm not saying your WH is a child molester, but he could have that tag for the rest of his life if this went the wrong way. HE needs help too, to figure out WHY he would be sexting a complete stranger, and worse, a teenager.

We've had the discussion that he could be labled a child molester, registered sex offender and child predator.
For the next few months I am not financially able to support my self. In a few months I will be.
Depending on his actions at that time, I will take action. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to discuss our marriage calmly and rationally.
He is not used to communicating openly and honestly about his real feelings. He refuses to seek treatment.
The best I can do at this point and for the next few months is live in the marriage, attempting open communication now and then.
I'm sorry to unload this on you. I really appreciate your sound, sane communications.

Fishy does not begin to describe this. Did you check the cell phone bills to see if the 1st message was sent from him or received by him? This almost screams lie detector test to me. How does a random person who lives somewhat close 'accidentally' stumble upon your H. Sounds fishy and far fetched. I suggest further SNOOPING!!!

For an update, I've contacted a divorce attorney.
WH doesn't communicate. He's very angry with withdrawal. He spends a lot of time away from home so I have some peace.
Now he's made allies of his family. They threw him a big party and I boycotted, so they know something is wrong.
He knows he's wrong.

Did you tell the girl's parents?

I'm not calling the number. It's the girl's cell phone. When I called her last I asked to speak to her mother and she refused and hung up on me. I am reporting to the authorities.

Good for you, it's the right thing to do.

I would hope that the authorities would somehow be able to trace who's cell # that is, and notify the girl's parents.

I can't imagine how hard and so very upsetting this all is.

Take care Domestic Diva.

He's angry and in withdrawal over sexting with a complete, random stranger that turned out to be an underage girl?? None of this adds up, I think there's more to this than you know about.

Good luck to you,DD. I'm sorry he's put you in such an awful mess.