I'm new to this board and very new to dealing with this attack.
I found out on 2/25/09 that he was having affair, this is how I found out: on 2/22 he stayed all day in the basement only coming up to eat never said more then two words to me, so around 5pm I went down there to find out what was wrong, he didn;t say much til I asked him what are you saying you want a divorce that is when he said yes, I went crazy came back and crying my eyes out not understand why we didnt have any reson about hour later I went back down and he was on the phone the way he was talking I knew he was talking to a woman, i tryed to get the phone from him but he hit numbers so i could not get redail. I asked him if he was having affair he said no, anyway monday morning I called the phone co to see if i could get a list of numbers dailed and i did, I started checking and looking up the # on anywho, and it was a co-worker that we have been helping by giving her clothes for he girls some furniture, she do not have anything except 3girls never married does live with a man, he brought her girls to our home on 2-14 to play with our daughter, i say he was trying to see how the girls would get along, he gave me a val card he always signs it love this one he didn't, so on we 2-25 when he came home I asked him why asnd he said that it didnt mean anything to him so I decided to comfront him, I have never talked to him like this I was so mad I told him i knew who he was talking to and he was scrced all he said was i have to go talk to her, because she was going to tell the man living that she was leave 2-26 they were getting appartment together. he came back a told me it was over, he said that he only had sex with her one time that was on 2-21. will it was not over 3-17 he left his ipod at home so i turned it on and it had messages on it so ichecked and it was to 2emails from her saying that she loves him and miss him the other was a picture of her. I called him and asked him and he said that he was trying to get out without her getting mad and cause him to loose his job ( he got transfer on 3-13)that he would end it today. since then i have been like a detivce trying to solve a murder case, i don't trust him,beleive him, iam so hurt,sad,anger. I am going fro help but it does not help, I want to comfront her and tell the man, everywhere i go it get triggered by seeing the name of the hotel riding in the truck his phone. I am trying to deal with it but i dont know how i read books.I dont feel any guilt on my part except i should have seen what he was doing does signs were there, I know i am better person then her. she is the same age as my oldest son. husband and iare both 48, she is 28 and trash.
any help i would appreciate it.
thanks
hurting wife

Lizzibug,

Welcome to the MB site.

This is now April, are they still in contact with each other?

If your answer is no, how do you know for sure?

If your answer is yes, there are things you can do to bust up the A.

Regardless of what your answer is you need to read the books on this site, Surviving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs.

Thanks for reply,
He said that it end on 3-17, and that he has not talked to the terrorist (that is what i call her). I do check his cell,and the gps i also make him drive my car instead of his that way i can check in anytime on the location of my car.
He said that he is sorry and hates what he said to me,but i don't except it, how can you have a affair/sex one day and the next day want divorce, just talking at work i don't buy that he tells me that they only kissed on their lunch out which he said was once or twice week. that would be maybe 8times.
I just want to beat the h**l out of her and show her she better think next time she wants to get with a married man. Iam disgusted with him that when I look at him all i see is that he is laughing at me what a fool...

WH cannot be taken at his word right now. All people in A's lie.

WH could have bought another cell phone.

The GPS lets you know where the car is, not exactly where WH is or OW is. Your WH knows there is a GPS on the car right?

Call OW BF, and confirm with him that there has been NC. WH needs to be totally transparent with everything in his life.

Snoop more to verify NC.

Have your WH write a NC letter to OW.



They do not work together, is this right?

Do they both still work at the same place?

no he is now about 53 miles from the area.

Obviulsy you are in a lot of pain over the discovery of the betrayal and believe me I ( and all the other BS's here) get it cause I have been there. We can make more sense of it if are able to focus that anger some where and on someone. I just wanted to caution you that spending your energy in being "angry" at the OW does not help your marriage recover in anyway. Nor will it help your personal recovery.
Yes the A happened and yes 2 people here have betrayed and caused you pain.

Dont beat your self up too hard, Many of us here have been blindsighted with no warning and it will take some time but you will get to the point of peace with the fact that it happend , your H's choices are not a reflection on your foolishness.
Right now just focus on breathing, thinking calmy and taking the good advice you are getting here and finding the strength to follow thru on it inspite of the anger pain and other wild emotins that surface.
Its a turbulant time onthe roller coaster but it will get better.

Thanks for sharing, I am trying to stay fosus on my needs, I feel like my head is in the sand and it will not come out. I have been reading books about affairs bt they only make me think about how i want to et even with the sl*t, I did mail her a letter letting her know she better not contact my husband in any way,I didn't threaten her I just said it was advise, and i am mailing the partner one tomorrow. My H said that it is over and that he will never see or speak to her aain that he wants to put our marriage back together that is what i want too, but still want her to pay and she is going to pay, he is already paying and he hates that he sees me in so much pain, he said that he made a bad mistake and will never do it again do i beleive him not right now.
Again thanks for all the advise.
the betrayed wife of a husband selfish affair

Lizzibug,

If you are confident that the A is done, and not just gone underground, then WH needs to send a NC letter.

WH needs to make a list of EP's to make you feel safe, and they need to be adhered to forever.

This list will include things to be changed in his life that made the A possible in the first place. Also to do things that make his time accountable to you.

Consider phone counseling with Harley's.

Did you expose to WH family, your family, your children and the workplace?