Hi Zen,

Crying is healthy, but of course the kids must see a strong parent. They are going to take strain. How are they doing right now?

The kids are doing amazingly well. I think the end of this affair business is resulting in a much lighter-hearted dad. I'm sad, sometimes I can't stop crying (not in front of the kids), but it's a different sadness than the emotions surrounding the betrayal. It's kind of a letting go of the marriage. There's starting to be some normalcy and stability again. Coho was gone so much during this that I think they're used to it, which is just tragic.

I'm working a lot and the kids are back in preschool. The routine is nice. I can't think so much. Interesting tid-bit: I'm designing and installing a garden for Beyonce's guitarist. I'm not a name-dropper, or at least I'm not trying to gain status by it, just funny turn of events. The landscape work is a side to my real job.

I'm sure I've got a long long way to go to feel normal again, as you say, but I am starting to see the likelihood of it.

Great Zen,

Be careful. There's a good chance she will be back, hat and heart in hand. Please think hard about what you will say and how you will react when/if this happens.

SWW

I have no doubt she will be back. When she sobers up and she busts the OM doing some other girl. She will be all contrite. When that time comes, he needs to read all the posts in this thread. My favorite comment from Coho, which made me sick to my stomach. Is that she is a serial monogamist. The way she made light of what she does was surprising. I can think of a lot of words to describe Coho. And Monogamist is not one.

I've "been there, done that" with false recoveries.

Used to go with "actions speak louder than words." Then I realized that both words AND actions can be easily faked. Waywards say whatever you want to hear and go through the motions of the actions you want to see.

But someone on this forum said that MINDSET is more important. It's their thinking -- their commitment -- their motive BEHIND the words and actions that count.

My priest said that WH lost his focus -- his purpose. And he was right.

You, my friend, will need to determine if your WW has found her purpose again.

Wow, that's interesting. Someone asked me on another forum why I kept at this recovery. I said it was more about my wife's attitude (mindset) than anything else at this point. Yes, her actions are very important. Words less so...

But her attitude / mindset are very important to me.

Zen, remember the words posted just above...Coho *will* come back to you begging for another shot. Think long and hard right now just what you are going to say to her. She will likely do anything and everything to win you back, and will pull out all the stops to tug at your heartstrings. Be prepared, and stick to you guns.

Strength to you...

Hi folks, no new news. I'm in full single dad mode which is kind of fun, although hectic. There's a reason that it takes two parents to raise children. Money is extremely tight and I don’t see that changing for a long time. I will need to take on housemates to keep our house. The kids are doing great. We've been around a lot of friends and family, doing a lot of fun things to keep us going. It seems like distraction is the name of the game at the moment. Also, BBQ season arrived here, at least for the moment, and we’re taking full advantage of it. The kiddos LOVE BBQs and parties.

I've hardly heard a peep from Coho. Trying not to think about her too much, but it's never far from my mind. I cry several times a day. I've had a few good days in a row, staying so busy it's hard to think much about my marriage. As much as I'm hurt and resolved to move on in my life, I'm very sad for her and having a hard time reconciling my feelings. I feel like there's nothing I could possibly do to fix our marriage at this point, but I'm still so sad for her and for our children. I dearly wish she could fix this. It's going to take a long time to get through this. I have no idea how she can be away from her kids for so long and how she can turn on and off her love like she has. I just don't want to accept that the marriage was as good as I thought it was, and it could end like this. Sometimes I feel like everything was just wrong all along and I did a good job of convincing myself otherwise. I don't think I'll ever really understand what happened. I'm left feeling so helpless. The pain wells up so fast and so strong. Feeling like it was such a waste of a good thing. I question everything. One thing is true: My son and daughter are truly beautiful people and I'm so so grateful for them.

You are not alone, my friend. How can any of our WSs walk out and go days, weeks, months, years without seeing their kids?

It's been nearly 4 months for my WH. And it's not like he's on an extended business trip or working in another state or deployed overseas in the military or doing something noble. He's about 10 miles away living with skankyho and her 3 kids in her house.

Now how does that look to MY teenagers? Dad's found newer? better? different? funner? smarter? kids to LIVE with. What's wrong with us?

Yep, they feel replaced and so do I. And, in reality, they HAVE been replace and SO HAVE I.

Like Dr. Phil says "You can't make sense out of nonsense." And if you try, you'll go crazy.

Suggestion for you -- Find a few good friends who are GREAT listeners and talk their ears off. I know it helps me greatly if I verbalize what I'm feeling. More talk, less tears.

Strong words Holyheart!

Zen, strength to you friend. I can't begin to imagine the hurt you are suffering right now. I'm impressed that you are holding your self and your kiddos together! Be strong. Keep doing the things that help Zen be a better father and better Zen. You deserve that!

Time will heal all wounds. And it's going to take a long time to heal this one. Be strong and move forward. Move forward for your kids sake. Move forward for Zen's sake. You CAN DO THIS!

D.

Your STBXW has serious mental issues. At every decision (like psubiker's wife) given the choice of the right one and the wrong one. She instinctively makes the wrong one. You need to document how little your wife sees her children. This will be critical in the custody hearing. You must have custody. This is not about them not being allowed to see their mom. It is about the parent who has shown the most commitment to the children. You must have complete say in how they are cared for. You don't know what kind of trash she could pick up and the danger he would pose to your children.

When my dad left we were devastated. But he did visit me. Of course, our visits were either sitting at the mall watching people (he bought me a coke), or visiting his girlfriend du jour so I could watch her kids while they did something. But he visited. Until I turned 16, and got my license, and he married Wicked Witch of the West, who told him I now had to come visit HIM if I wanted to see him. And when my mom moved out of town and he told me I couldn't stay with them, I had to get an apartment and full-time job, I survived. And when I asked if he would help pay for my wedding (at age 21) and he said no, he had no money, I shrugged it off. (he finally pitched in $500) And when, every year at Christmas, WWotW would tell us how 'they' had moved everything around in their will (my H was left out because he had 'such a good job'), I just thought, 'that figures.'

Even all that wasn't as bad as it could have been.

But when he turned around and adopted her son (my age, who had to join the Navy at 18 or go to prison for drugs) and gave him my last name, right after I got married...THAT hurt. Still does.

Waywards are insane.

I agree with Ouch. I understand you are hurting Zen and I feel for you. I hope you are able to process it and come out stronger on the other side. At the same time, you seem to be in the position of having to do something that seems counter-intuitive, and that's making sure Coho does NOT get custody of your kids. Document, document, document! Put your feelings for her aside if you can while you figure out the plan to gain FT custody. Visiting arrangements can always be negotiated and renegotiated but you need to establish yourself as the custodial parent first. Coho's 'abandonment' of the kids is a good tool in your arsenal.

This BIG HUG is for both Zen and Cat.

I wish every wayward with kids would read Cat's story. People say that "time heals all" but deep hurt doesn't just go away.
And selfish actions can't just be forgotten especially if a divorce results.

So it doesn't matter whether the kids are school age or teens or adults. It hurts having a parent who cheats. Period.

I've heard versions of Cat's story from other women I've come in contact with. Each had a Dad who did this growing up AND each Dad regretted his actions eventually.

But Dad's regret doesn't negate the hurt. And these women -- all of them -- said they would NEVER put their kids through something like this. Therefore, they would NEVER have an affair. And each woman emphasized this to their Hs.

Hmmm, out of the blue this morning Coho called and wanted to see the kids at her Mom's. Perhaps reading this thread still, eh? I let her take them although I required her to call when she got there and talked to her parents about making sure she does not just leave them there.

She introduced the OM to her brothers. She is utterly shameless. Apparently one of her brothers didn't want anything to do with him, at least according to her Mom. This is the brother who right from the go told me he knew it was my wife's issues, not me. He has also repeatedly told me to divorce her. This sucks on so many levels. I'm so angry that I'm in a position where I have to protect my children from her bad decisions. In the end, she simply cannot rationalize anything with me because it's all out on the table.

As far as custody etc goes, I have plenty of tools to do what I need. I have page after page of her own words to use against her. I have documented everything, including her absence over the last five months. I have zero faith in her right now, so I will base all my decisions on my own regard for my children. At any point she could start making better decisions for herself and her kids, but she just chooses that addiction.

I asked her why she hadn't made any effort to see the kids in over a week. She said to avoid me. Over and over the decisions are selfish. Apparently not feeling guilty is far more important than being a responsible parent. I keep asking her if all the recovery talk was a lie, she says no. So she's knowingly choosing her addiction. She says no. Cognitive dissonance. This was a phrase that Dr. Harley introduced to her. It's holding two opposing ideas or beliefs, and the dissonance it creates in your mind. I think it defines her right now. The amazing thing is, these are choices she will regret for the rest of her life. She'll rationalize and bury the pain, but to knowingly act in such an atrocious manner and to hurt so many people and to STILL just keep right on doing it is astounding to me. I do not know this person anymore. She's made a disaster out of her life and I will work to my dying day to minimize its effect on my children and on me. I wish it didn't hurt so much so I could be that much more focused in doing what I need to do. It’s not revenge or anger, although I am very angry. It’s simply stopping the madness.

>People say that "time heals all" but deep hurt doesn't just go away.


That's no lie.

> It’s simply stopping the madness.

That's the BEST thing you can do with the choices that you have IMO. (ZW)

Affairages and relationships from affairs don't last. Coho will regret her decision but the damage will be done. I wish you success in protecting your children from her self-absorbtion.

She introduced the OM to her brothers

This is the same person who posted that even if you two divorced she would not go back to the OM!!!

Show no mercy as far as custody of the kids!!! Protect them from her and her lifestyle, drinking etc. This is not someone that should have unsupervised visits with your kids!! An in no way should the OM POS be around the kids!!! Use all her alcoholism and poor parenting against her. The person you married and had kids with is dead.........she is now been replaced by someone named COHO!!!

P.S. also keep pushing her family to avoid the OM and not allow him around!!!

I think the bigger question is what will Zen do when Coho tires of OM or OM tires of Coho? Because it will happen and if Coho hasn't found yet another POSOM to boink, she'll come crawling back to Zen. ZW, I hope you will have moved waaaaay onward at that point and can tell Coho to pound sand.

I also can NOT believe she brought this person to meet her brothers. She would not hesitate to introduce this guy to your kids. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...........

What scares me is the men who come on to women who have kids, planning to have some time with the kids, if you know what I mean...

Very astute ZW, very astute.



Given the amount of times I saw it in action, in Flick when he was WH, I guess its yet another one of those glorious trials the BS has to deal with