Here are two ideas for you.

(1) Instead of being a victim of his groping and instead of being his sex toy, why not consider turning it around? Have sex with him, but on your terms. Have sex with him, but instead of doing it for his pleasure, do it for your pleasure.

I know this sounds weird. But I think that one of the things you don’t like about sex is the fact that he uses you for his pleasure. I know that I would resent it if the only thing that I would be good for my wife is to be a housecleaner or a wallet. Try something like: “Hun, I know how sex is important to you. Let’s do it tonight. But let’s do it to satisfy me.” By satisfying I do not mean that you’ll orgasm, but that you’ll become a little more comfortable with him touching you. By sex I don’t mean intercourse, but just a little bit of foreplay to the level that you are comfortable with. Every time that you make love, you’ll get more and more comfortable. As you get more and more comfortable, you’ll be able to go further. Don’t rush. It’ll take several months.

Make sure that you do it at your pace. Do not let him cross any boundaries. If he crosses the boundaries, you are going to get hurt, you wont trust him, and you’ll have to start from the beginning.

Make sure that you do this on regular basis. Meaning do it twice or three times a week. You want to be fed constantly, a little bit at the time.

Don’t worry about the fact that he does not get to orgasm with you. The fact that you are willing to help him out will in his mind far outweigh the fact that sex is not for his pleasure.

(2) Schedule sex. Have it on certain nights. Don’t cancel, don’t vary the days or the times.

It is OK for you not to want to do it again. That’s fine. SF is not high on your priority list. You’ve made that perfectly clear. But in your marriage there should be sex not to satisfy your EN, but to satisfy his EN.

As far as you hating it to see it as an obligation, then I think that it might be appropriate to change your attitude about it. Don’t think of it as sex, think of it as making your husband happy. My life revolves around making my wife happy. If I were to see cleaning the house as an “obligation” then yes, of course I would hate it. I did not marry someone so that I could be a houseboy spending weekends fixing her house. I see my work for my wife as an expression of love, as an expression of care. I want to do the housework because I love my wife, and I would do anything to make her happy. If you were to have a way of making your husband -- the person who is the love of your life -- happy, would you not do it? Of course you would. By having sex with him fulfills his emotional need. What alternative way do think you have to make him fulfilled?

As far as your hesitation if you can make it better goes, don’t worry about it. If you are dedicated to making him happy, over time it is guaranteed to improve.

What is your idea of marriage? People generally marry each other because they want to have their needs filled. What is your husband getting out of your marriage?

You don’t get it. Sorry, but you simply do not get it.

A marriage is not a tit-for-tat. It is not a commercial transaction where one party guarantees sex in exchange of a clean garage. It is not about exchanging doing favors for each other. Dr. Harley makes it very clear that you should not be fulfilling your spouses EN simply to exchange it for having your EN fulfilled. Please read the HNHN book on this topic.

A marriage is a loving partnership. I clean the garage to make my wife happy, NOT because I am exchanging it for sex. I do it because I love her. It make me happy to clean the garage, because I know that she enjoys walking from her car to the door of the house through a clean garage. Her happiness is my happiness. I am a devoted husband and I will do whatever it takes to make her happy. Likewise, she does nice things in bed for me because she loves me, not because she is getting a clean garage out of it.

Have you read Dr. Harley’s work on this subject?

This is not an actual story it is my lfe and its in trouble. A as i dont know any of you its hard to tell my heart and soul so please be understanding.
We have been married for 26 years and for most times get on really well. We were married for 9yrs before we had our twins. This nine years was very sexual and social. We had to do ivf in order to get the babies. I was pregnant with 4 babies and lost 2 of them and 16 weeks. Of course we were shattered that we lost them. I was in hospital for 8months throwing my guts up, i lost 3 stone in weight whilst i was pregnant it wasnt pleasant at all but well worth it.
The twins were premature weighing 2lb and 3lb but so so cute.
WE took them home 5 weeks after their birth was very exciting. But we were very nervous parents and they consumed our lives.
We couldnt believe how lucky we were.. But we were so involved with the kids and still are that i guess we put ourselves second. The babies always slept with us as they were so small we were to scared to have them anywhere else. They were also terrible sleepers so it was alot easier to have them in with us.. Before we knew it they were six and still in our bed.As they were getting bigger hubby just slept else where so we would all have room.. My son eventually slept in his own room but my daughter took alot longer. She is still in with me most nights and she is 17.. Now before you all go off about her in my bed i already know that this is a problem. Also the nights she is not in i wouldnt dare have sex incase she comes in. My son also is likely to open the door and come in and ask us something too..So i can never relax.. But no im not gay no there are no affairs no he is not awful to me.. We do have our moments that i think he is a pig but thats not often.. Im sure he thinks im a [censored] at times..So in a nut shell we have 2 very loved spoilt brats on our hands.. Also in this time i have lost quite a few dear loved ones one being my mother and this has left me with a lot of sadness and emptyness.. But i am grateful for what i have and for the most part feel er lucky.
I hope this gives you and insight to what is going on? and no i have never been abused as a child or ever...
kez

thanks ill give it a go
kez

Im not sure what he gets out of it you would have to ask him.
Hes says im pushing him to get sex elsewhere im beginning to think thats ok.. I only worry that he will fall in love and then leave us.
kez

Ive been trying to look for his book but i havent found it yet
kez

i dont need to be in the room when he releases would prefer he did it in the bathroon..hj ummm yukkkkkkkkkk.. Yes i feel like im being raped im shattered everytime.
kez

no my hubby isnt any of those things he is a caring gentle man who is a great person and a fantastic father..
kez

Would like you all to know hubby is home on holidays and we have been working side by side in the garden we havent done this in years.. But i have been making an effort leaving the inside stuff and going outside with him. We have been getting on really well but no sex
kez

Wow. Well the good news is there are a TON of things YOU can change that will help you get a happy marriage for both of you. The bad news is that most of it involves YOU changing. Not him. Are you willing to do the hard work?

Assuming you say yes, I'll give you my outline of what I would have you do. We can fill in more details later.

1) Help your son and daughter fix up their rooms, so that they feel like they have their own oasis in your home - a place they WANT to be, that makes them feel good.

2) Sit your kids down and tell them that they are too old to be coming into your bedroom without permission. Tell them you expect them to sleep in their own rooms, every night, from now on. You will be just down the hall, and they can call for you if they need you. And you will come to THEM. In THEIR rooms. This is non-negotiable. (btw, they were terrible sleepers because you made them that way by not being firm about them sleeping in their own rooms; you taught them to be that way)

3) Your bedroom is supposed to be the one adult sanctuary in your home. It is off limits to kids, ESPECIALLY 17 year olds! kewwy, that is bordering on mental/sexual abuse to allow them in your bed. Do you understand that? You are screwing up their mental 'truths' of what healthy human beings do; you are inviting them to look for dysfunctional marriages where they don't understand right from wrong. You are inviting them to look for abusive partners or become abusive themselves. You have to stop NOW, while you still have a little bit of time left to teach them before they move out and live their own lives.

I was reading in Healing the Shame That Binds You about early cultures, and how even back then, when humans were just learning how to live in communities and civilizations, they still knew that they had to (1) cover up their private parts and (2) keep SF out of sight, away from the kids. Kids needed to learn a sense of respect and awe for SF, and you do that by having a special place in your home that that is for. If your kids are welcome in there any time, they can't understand that you are supposed to honor SF in this way.

4) To that end, you need to take both of your kids in to their doctors, have them tested for STDs, get the girl a cervical exam, get the boy whatever you do for boys, and find a church leader or professional therapist, and have that person give them a talk on healthy boundaries on SF.

I'm telling you this, because if your daughter still sleeps with you - and where does your H sleep?! - neither of them can have a healthy understanding of what SF is and what it is for. And because they don't understand the 'rules' I would bet you money they have been experimenting for a while now.

Please trust me on this. I know what I'm talking about.

5) Sit down with your H and discuss your day to day lives. Ask him what he thinks about the things you do every day/week/month. Ask him what he would change. Tell him what YOU would change, if you could have a perfect life.

Now, when you do this, do it with this in mind: Your kids are almost out of the house. You need to set up a life for you and your husband. Not for the 4 of you. You have ignored your marriage for 17 years, because you got your beloved kids, and suddenly, your H wasn't all that necessary any more. You may not think you feel that way, but I GUARANTEE you, HE feels that way. Any man whose kids sleep in the bed he is supposed to be in feels that way.

You need to change how you live and start living like a married couple again. Or else when the kids leave, there won't be a marriage left. I have a great list I post about things you and your H can do together to shake things up, reconnect with each other, so that you both look forward to seeing each other each day. I'll post it later.

6) You need some therapy on why you allowed this situation to get this bad. And yes, kewwy, it is bad. What you describe is so unhealthy it's almost abusive. It is not normal. You need to change now, so that you have time to teach your kids a healthier, less dysfunctional way to live. But you need to understand WHY you allowed this to happen. Therapy will help you.

The easiest answer is just that you wanted the babies so much that when they came, you threw away your old life and wrapped yourself around them, and forgot you had a husband. Happens all the time. But it also nearly always ends in divorce. I can explain more if you want.

Find a counselor you can talk to. Give them your story and ask them for help in learning boundaries - with your H, with yourself, and with your kids.

7) Then you install a lock on your bedroom door if you don't already have one. Your H needs to know you are doing this. He needs to know you are setting a boundary to get the kids out and let him in. Now, before you say yuck one more time, realize this - you WANTED SF with him when you were trying to get pregnant. Now you don't? How do you think that makes him feel? Used. Would you want to feel used?

And he was not only used, he was more or less kicked out of his own bed! Just you and the kids, having your comfy little life, while he goes to work and pays bills so you can play house with your babies.

I have to say that this angers me:
You are setting up your bedroom and living arrangements as an excuse to not have SF with your H. Why do you have the right to bail out of the marriage you promised to be part of? You really really need to start thinking about what it's going to be like when you are alone, because if you don't change things, your H is going to give up on you.

8) Finally, you need to start focusing on your H. Not you. Not your kids. Your H. The way you do that is eliminate Love Busters and meet Emotional Needs. We can talk about that in another post, if you need to. Let us know. But you HAVE to start focusing back on him. Your kids are - hopefully! - about to leave. Once they do, there has to be a reason for you and your H to stay married. As it is, I don't see one from his perspective. (That said, good work on working in the yard with him. Great first step.)

Read, Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman (who also wrote Five Love Language)

It is an easy read. Having sex with your husband exclusively and faithfully isn't prostitution.

I'm agreeing with Cat, in part because I coslept with my older daughter until she was 3 and my younger one is currently sleeping with us so I'm not against a family bed for young children. However I do think children should see their parents valuing each other and making an effort to keep their marriage healthy and one another happy.

I don't think its abusive to your daughter but I do think she is old enough to understand the need for privacy, especially for a married couple and that she needs to not just walk in to someone else's bedroom. It does seem like you are using her as an excuse to avoid intimacy with your husband. I have a still breastfeeding and cosleeping baby and an almost 5 year old but its still easy to find time for sf practically every day when we feel like it.

Rosy, her daughter is 17! She has been sleeping in their bed her whole life! And her twin brother has been sleeping in there almost as long!

You will not find an expert worth her salt who will tell you that this is mentally healthy for the child. And most will call it abusive. Because the child doesn't know any better than to say no.

Yes i am willing to do the work.. And i will try.. But you and i have different ideas on parenting obviously. My kids are not abused and i am offended that you say so. And they are not at all sexually active so no tests will be needed. I am here to help my relationship not to be told we are child abusers as we are far from it. Yes they need to stay out of our bedroom. Yes their own rooms are beautiful and full with everything they need.I slept with my mother till i was 18 cause i was a nervous girl but never ever did she abuse me she loved and comforted me. Its best we agree to disagree on this one cause i think you are very wrong. But all the other advice i will take on board and i thank you for it
kez

Thanks Rosy, yes it is time for her to sleep in her own room but in no way is she abused. Nor would i recommend cosleeping to anyone and if i had my time over i would do it differently but all parents make mistakes but the kids are very well adjusted teenagers that i am proud of.I dont know that i have used them as an excuse more its the pattern we have fallen into. My husband is very guilty of letting them sleep in our bed too. And he would tell you this to. we have done anything in order to get some sleep.
kez

Thanks still i will look it up
kez

kewwy, you need to do some research about abuse before you tell us what is and isn't abuse. You obviously didn't understand what I was talking about. I was NOT talking about sexual abuse. I was talking about teaching healthy life lessons so they understand what a healthy marriage will look like.

I tried to find some examples on line about letting teenagers sleep in a bed, and I can't even find any! It's such an alien concept that no one even talks about it. Tons of stuff about babies and young children, and the general consensus of when they should move to their own room (in most cases by the time they are 3 at the latest!). I've listed a few noteworthy comments about the damage family bed can create, and the sites they came from.

One example (Dr. Hull):
Additionally, I am extremely uneasy with the concept of co-sleeping once the involved child is of school age. I have read about people advocating co-sleeping into the teens, which certainly seems a setup for sexual abuse or at the very least great uneasiness on the part of the child. I personally would not have wanted as a teenager to have awakened from a vivid sexual dream with an erection sleeping next to my mother. I wonder about the motives and sensitivities of those who choose this extreme form of co-sleeping for their own families or push it for others.

Another (Janice Tracht):
Often times when a couple does not meet each other's emotional needs, they seek the fulfillment of these needs by becoming excessively attentive and emotionally involved with their children. The marriage suffers because the kind of love a child reflects back to a parent cannot be a substitute for the mature love and intimacy of an adult relationship. The children suffer by being placed in a position of providing emotional gratification to an adult. They are far too emotionally immature to manage this and pay for this burden placed upon them by having to constantly "read" their parent's state of neediness and sacrifice their own developmental needs to do this adult job. They may also be elevated into a position of too much power in the family by becoming demanding that this high level of attention and gratification is constantly sustained. In a healthy family, children learn over time to respect the bonds of intimacy that can only be shared by a husband and wife. When this occurs they are able to develop age appropriate and diversified ways of gaining affection and validation. The child also acquires the ability to self-soothe, and this skill can only develop when parents are artful about when to move in and give comfort and when to allow their child needed space.

And:
Privacy, and the very important things it provides for a couple, are sacrificed. One of those important "things" privacy provides for is sex. Yeah, sex---that rather essential feature of a rich and full marriage. What happens to that fundamental means of sharing emotional closeness in a marriage when the child's demands for comfort in the marital bed supersedes the need for the parents' privacy?

And:
When a child sleeps with the opposite sex parent he/she is placed in a role that belongs to an adult and that can be burdensome and confusing to that child's developing sexual identity. In addition, during sleep, the normal adult male will have an erection approximately every 90 minutes. While there may be no intention to sexualize his daughter, this may occur if she becomes aware of her father's erection while he sleeps.

Another (family homes network):
Serious and damaging rifts in a marital relationship can develop if one spouse feels dis-placed physically and emotionally by a child who is taking over an ever increasing area of bed space. In general, if either Mom or Dad feels that it's time for the baby to sleep elsewhere, the other parent should oblige—not only out of respect for the other's feelings but in recognition that the marital relationship needs to be nurtured and preserved.

I am very curious to know how you are so sure of this. Seriously.

Because what I see, as a mother of an 18 year old, is far different. In fact, most parents are clueless on this subject. As shown in a recent survey/show.

I'm not trying to insult you. I'm trying to show you that your 'absolutes' may be getting in the way of you helping your kids. Like so many of us do.

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/longterm.html is a link to the most in depth study of co-sleeping practices in America to this date showing their findings about the long term effects of cosleeping. I don't think there is any evidence showing harm to the child up to 10 or 11 years old. I don't know beyond that.

Clearly a crumbling marriage is not in any child's best interest though.