Hi there, thanks for those links i have looked over them they are great. I will keep looking around the site
kez

hi kez, I am glad your sticking around

"dont touch me, just do it"

Wow, how do you think he feels when you say that? I know we are not always ready, heck I have a high EN for SF compaired to most women and I still am not always as keen as Flick BUT I would never say that to him. Have you thought that maybe its not him, its you?

If your so keen on a quickly get it over and done with type of SF, I have to wonder what you are denying yourself? Quickies can be nice but not a steady diet of them. Sometimes you have to just ber willing to relax and try.

Do you hasve possible pre mariage issues here such as family of origin (FOO) or abuse issues? I just ask because SF is normally an enjoyable activity for married couple even if their drives are different

You tell him don't touch me just do it and it always hurts because you're never ready?

What would make it better for you?

I don't think a wife should automatically give her husband sex whether its unpleasant for her or not but I do think we have a duty to our partners and ourselves to work on figuring out a way to create a fulfilling sex life for both of you. I doubt that your husband is happy no matter how many times you say just do it because surely deep down he wants to know he's pleasing you too.

I'm sorry if these keep getting more personal, but I'm trying to peel away the layers down to what the real problem is.

Does this mean that he doesn't do anything that makes YOU feel good beforehand? He just wants to 'get in and go'?

And I think that this is the root of your problem. It does not sit well with you.

Please read the HNHN, if you haven’t already. Please understand the concepts of fulfilling your spouses needs, love bank, etc.

In my marriage, my role is to please my wife. I am there to make her fulfilled by fulfilling her needs. It does not matter what I think of those needs. All that matters is that I know what those needs are, and do my best to fulfill them. I go out and make money, spend long hours at work, always trying to get a better paying job. Why? In part because I want to fulfill my wife’s EN of financial support. At home I work around the house each weekend, doing whatever she has on her honeydoo list. Would I rather sit and watch TV? Absolutely. But you know, I am happy that I can fulfill her EN of domestic support. The same thing could be said for affection, or for conversation. As a partner, I am there for her.

And as a partner, she is there for me. My top need is SF. Guess what? She fulfills it. Not because she wants to have as wild and frequent sex as I do, but because she loves me, and she wants to make me happy. Does she always want sex? No, for her it would be satisfactory to have sex about once a week. But she does it. And she gets into it and she enjoys it.

Likewise, do I feel like cleaning out the garage or basement. I think that it should be cleaned less frequently. But you know what? She likes to have a clean house. So I do it.

If you believe that it is necessary for you to fulfill your spouse’s needs only when you feel like it, then you are going to have a very unfulfilled spouse.

Is any of this making sense to you?

ummm not sure how he feels but he does it anyway. Im just not attracted to him at all. No issues that i know of actually my mum my sisters are quite sexual so im the odd one out. I cant relax cause i dread it so much. Very depressed at the moment so we are not making much headway
kez

Im not sure that i ever want to do it again dont see why we cant live with out it ha ha......Im sure he wants it better but im not sure i can do it. I hate that its seen as an obligation makes me ill
kez

well if i had to give sex in exchange for a clean garage i would clean it myself!! Im not using my body in order to get things thats prostitution makes me feel sick the thought of it
kez

Please answer these questions:

1. Have you ever had enjoyment or pleasure having sex?

2. Have you told him that it hurts?

3. Does he know he is hurting you?

4. Have you told him you do not want sex for some reason?

5. Have you two been to a counselor and talked about this?

6. What have you told him so far about this issue?

7. You would think if he knew he was hurting you he would change. Have you two tried to work this out?

Here is another one.

Have you explained to your husband that having sex with him makes you feel ill and that you would rather go without it?

Umm hi how are you?
Yes i used to love sex and i still love the idea of it just not with him.
Yes he knows it hurts
I told him it repulses me
we have had counselling yes
told the cousellor? it was years ago i cant remember
yes he bought lubricant thought it was the answer

If he knows it hurts, why is he still doing it? No one should push things that hurt on another person. Is he nutz?

Is he a good lover or is he a bad lover?

You know, does he make SURE you get some pleasure with touching and kissing? Or does he just care about HIS OWN pleasure in the bedroom?

i think he just gets desperate for some sort of release he does go months without it
kez

he would kiss touch but i wont let him i just like to get it over with pain or no pain
kez

Have you though of this idea? Give him a great HJ or something. That way it will not hurt at all. Since you wont let him kiss you or touch you, yet you want him to have a release with you there in the room, you could use your hands and it would take only a few minutes.

A deeper problem is that when you dont let him please YOU, you are basically encouraging him to RAPE you. Because it is not making love, it is not sex, it hurts, and he has to force you to do it therefore it is like RAPE. You seem to be accidently TRAINING your husband to RAPE you.

Has this occurred to you?

Is your husband good to you outside the bedroom or is he a real selfish creep of a man? The reason I ask is that no woman can want to make love with a real creep, that is, unless she is a prostitute and getting paid to "do" that creep! Then, she HAS to do it since that is HER JOB>

Is your husband mean, selfish, or creepy that you know of?

kewwy, I'm going to say it. Something is wrong with your story. I don't know what it is, yet, but you're not telling us the whole story. We can keep on making guesses to try to get closer to the truth, or you can just go ahead and tell us what's really going on. Were you abused as a child? Have you decided you are gay? Are you having an affair? Is he?

How about just writing down your story, start to finish, so we can quit spinning our wheels?

Yes. we want to help. But are you serious about wanting a solution? We are here to help but you need to come out with what is going on here.

Hey kez,

well you've been here over a week now and have read many things

Have you been able to identify your EN's, your H's EN's and what LB's he is doing that has eroded you love bank balance to the point that you would rather have SF with anyone but him?

What steps have you taken towards working on your 50% of the marriage?