So, what is the definitive word on this? I am not talking about in the context of exposing, but, rather, after the fact.
My kids have point blank asked me if their mom was cheating. So, I told them ,"Yes".
Then, they asked for my evidence, so , I outlined it for them-the PI reports, the phone records, the witnesses, the receipts, everything.
Was this wrong? Apparently, she lies to them about this.

No, they should know the truth unless they are very young and wouldn't understand.

DUDE

How old are the kids? I would check with a certified children's counselor to ask how to break it to them in an age appropriate manner.

The truth is never wrong.

You've been divorced nearly two years and your kids would like some historical accuracy. The right thing to do is answer their questions as long as you are not being malicious.

Zelmo,

It seems to me if they are old enough to ask such pointed questions and even ask for evidence, then I think they are old enough to know the truth from you. Most young children would not ask for what evidence you have? Most young children really would not know what adultery was.

So without knowing your children's ages, I would say, given their questions, you gave them the correct answers.

God Bless,

JL

Zelmo,

You are under no obligation to lie for your wife and commit the same sins she is commiting. In the same way as having a revenge affair is wrong.

NJ

My children know everything about the A and i did not "bad mouth" their dad in telling them but i felt they deserved to know the truth especially considering how everything was at home during the aftermath of D-day.

You did a very good thing by telling them the truth. They need to know that the two of you did not just drift apart, or that you two just fought too much to stay together, or that you were jealous of her activities that she participated in while away from you, etc. They needed to know the truth of the marriage that ended. After all, they are the children of the marriage; Their lives and their perspective on marriage were very much affected by living in the home where all this was going on.

Especially if your former wife has a personality disorder and is good at distorting reality and making other people feel guilty or at fault, her children deserve to know the truth. But even if she does not have a personality disorder, they deserve to know the truth.

Thanks, They are young, 7,9 and 10, all girls. But, they are smart, all reading way above grade level. So, I feel it was okay to tell them the truth when they asked.
I'm sure they were confused by their mom's stories. Like how she barricaded her bedroom at night with chairs in case robbers came to the house, when, in fact, her OM was snaeking in after the girls would go to bed and she wanted to keep them out of her room.
I just got so sick of hearing how mom had a new boyfriend now and he was practicing his marriage proposal speech on my kids. So, I told them he was not "new" and had been around for a couple years before our divorce.
I agree, lying to them would mess them up further.

When the kids ask they need to be told the truth.

God Bless you for telling them the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. If you don't tell them the truth and give them moral guidance, their cheating mother WILL.

To this day, I deeply RESENT my mothers lies of omission about my cheater father. It left me vulnerable to his lies and I grew up profoundly morally confused. My dad taught me that wrong was right because my mother neglected her duty to tell me the truth and give me some moral guidance.

Let me tell you another problem with lying to kids. Kids instinctively know right from wrong and when that sense is not validated, they learn to doubt themselves. When my dad introduced me to an OW at a hotel room and told me this was his "friend," I sensed this was not right. But since my mother and dad acted like this was ok, I decided the problem was ME, since apparently what seemed wrong to me was not wrong to the adults in my life. Therefore, the problem was that I was a stupid girl. I was very confused and learned to doubt my judgment.

When I went to live with my father when I was 13 I was left wide open for his immoral teachings because my mother did not want to seem "judgmental" by telling me the truth about him. When I went to live with him at age 13, he was MARRIED to wife #3 or 4, but was shacking up with some woman and her son. I moved in with them. Of course, this SEEMED WRONG, but being stupid, I said nothing because what seemed wrong was not wrong to other adults.

And apparently my grandmother from Kansas was also stupid and judgemental because when she came to Texas to visit me and Dad she was SHOCKED to discover we were living in a shack up situation. I remember her saying "WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?? WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME??" I didn't get it. I was very confused by her reaction because I had been taught that wrong was right.

Anybody wants this 1 hour MP3 emailed to them, just email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.


Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Once again Melody, you impress the heck out of me!

Oh, good. It felt right to do it and this rationale makes sense. Thanks.

Thanks, DNU!