Hello to everyone. I have come on this site a few times and it has been helpful to me in this time getting through this difficult time me and my husband are in.

I will sum it up to u:

I am 25 my husband is 27. we have been together for 10.5 years

8 months ago i had a few-week affair. It did not last long, and it has been completely over for that same amount of time.It was not a grass is greener or genuine feelings for someone else, i was completely lost and alone in depression and my eating disorder and acted recklessly and selfishly and there is no excuse for my behaviour. it went against everything i stand for and believe in and who i am as a person. Since that day, aside from some honesty issues in the first couple of weeks, I have been absolutely updfront and honest with my husband, i have spent 8 months essentially worshipping him, doing everything a human being can do to be open, honest and loving. I have pledged my undying commitment to him and i mean every syllable of my words and as i know actions speak louder than words, my actions have been nothing but true.

At a time earlier into this recovery process, my husband confessed to me that he has his own "dark side". he told me he is obsessed with websites about Escorts or prodtitutes such as Craigslist and that he has been this way for years but that he has always kept it in control and never acted on his compulsions or desires. he told he he is completely commited to me, and as recently as two days ago, he said he is not leaving me and wants me and will be with me always. we have been in recovery for 8 months and althoug the first few months were complete hell, we have stuck to our words and have stayed together. i truly feel i would die without him and he is my soulmate and lifeline.

So here is the issue - please help me - my husband got a new cell phone in April and he just got his first phone bill. I dont know what provoked me to look at it but i did 0 i have not done this really very much in the past. anyways, so i wrote down thenumbers i did not recognize, but i assumed i would not recognize most of them as he uses his phone for business and calls clients constantly. Long story short, i wrote down these numbers and looked them up this morning when i got to work. the last number i looked up was for an escort massage parlour in the seedy disgusting area of our city. He admitted to me in January that he had phoned one of the places like this but did not end up going, and that he was just suffering through his pain of what we were going through and he was sorry. the fact that we had been communicating like this made me feel better despite the struggles. also, this morning when i went to work, i couldnt find the bill and i believe he hid it.

anyways, this find is a total shock to me. these last 2 months have been the best that we havehad in recovery so far, we have had very little fights, spend all our time together, and reassure eachother constantly. i did not see the bill to know how long hecalled this number for - long enough to set up an appointment? im not sure.... the phone call is enough.

i am completely terrified and i dont know what to do. things have been quite good lately and i dont want to ruin annything, i am terrified that if i bring it up it could go so many different ways.

please help me, what do i do., i have been doing everything in my power to be the most perfect loving spouse for 8 months now, and he goes and does this. what do i do?????? please help me this man means everything to me.

Are you married?

Yes as above i am 25 and hes 27, married for over a year, but together for 10.5 years - highschool sweethearts

Married over a year.
You spent a third of that in an affair.
It doesn't look good.

If I were in your shoes I'd wait until H gets home, and I'd calmly hand him the cell bill and ask him why he called. Then just BE QUIET and watch his reaction.

He may very well be angry at you for "snooping". Most of the times when a person is caught at something they are ashamed of, their initial reaction is to lash out. So don't worry too much if he does.

But then, when he's had a chance to calm down, see if he makes excuses, tries to say it was "no big deal", or otherwise downplays the severity of the call. That would be a big red flag to me. Possibly that something is going on with the prostitutes, and at the very least that he doesn't understand the dynamics of a marriage.

On the other hand if he apologizes and seems remorseful, tell him truthfully that you are both hurt and terrified by that phone call. Ask him what his plans are to help you feel safe and secure. Then sit back and BE QUIET. See what he says.


You may not be doing as well in recovering from your own affair as you'd thought.
How did you meet OM?
When was D-Day?
When was NC established?
What have YOU been doing to make him feel safe and secure since your affair?
Any children?

Thank you so much for your reply.... I feel so alone and lost sometimes...

The affair was a few weeks, not a few months, so it wasnt for a third of our marriage, not that the timeline really matters.

D Day was September 16, 2008, so almost on the 8th month.

NC was established the same day, there was one attempt to contact me via a completely blank email a month later and i responded with "never contact me" and OM never made another attempt thank god.


I met OM as coworkers. I left the job the same day as D Day and never went back, i even wrote a letter to my employers with the help of my husband advising them of everythng and apologizing and etc etc...

No I am not recovering perfectly, i have immense self wort issues and paranoia of my husbands commitment to me. but outside of that we have an incredible amount of good days lately...

What have I been doing to make him feel safe? He has full access to anything and everything that I have... i dont have a cell right now, i am gettiging one tomorrow but he has full access to work email, home email, and cell phone. my whereabouts any and all times, i call him constantly, write him letters, visit him at work, bring him supper and manage everything at home that needs to be done. I reassure him every single time he needs it from me, that i am committed and that i am who i say i am, and that i will never ever hurt him and how ashamed and remoseful i am. I do everythin i can possibly think of to make him feel safe. i think he doesnt quite appreciate his role in this, in making me feel safe and secure too, which is important, isnt it??

no we dont have children, but i would love to have a baby when we are further into recovery.

Please respond!

ivetz,

Please stick to one thread ... you have the same thread going over in Recovery, which has some additional information, so pick one of them and allow the mods to lock the other:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2246066#Post2246066

oh ok sorry new here

You both need a huge dose of honesty here. He's hiding stuff which tells you he has something to hide. KWIM?

If you two want to get this R going I'd advise a polygraph test for both of you. Lay your cards on the table and see if you have anything there. If he balks about taking the test..well you have an answer. But until you BOTH come clean about EVERYTHING, there' no chance of this M making it in the long run. You both have already had problems and this is just the beginning of your life together.

Honesty...learn more about who you are really M to.

And learn the concepts that are taught on this site. Get the books and read them together.