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Jazlene Offline OP
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Hello,
My best friend found viagra, condoms, and pain pills hidden in her h truck. They were hidden under the cup holder that you had to pry out. They were pushed way back in the back. Obviously he is having an affair of some sort. She has for months had these on again/off again feelings he is gay. Their courtship was a whirlwind into marriage. Even before they were married he wasn't that into sex. After the marriage, it got only worse. Fights became more and more frequent as well as escalated into name calling and yelling matches.

He always would put the blame on her and continue to deny her sexual interaction... However, he is constantly going on trip after trip hunting, fishing,etc. Any trip they took together involved a group of people tagging along. He is extremely attentive to his male friends. Planning time to be with them. If she had a week-end off...he had plans with the guys.

R there any stand out clues that would point to him being gay? I think he used her for a cover...to gain custody of his son. His family is very wealthy but they r tight when it comes to giving him much. He is a "former" cocaine addict...using adderol in it's place (which isn't recommended for coaine addicts).

He is very secretive about anythinhg in his personal life. Finances are a mess...very irresponsible.

She is devastated..how can I help her?

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Mind your own business ... be there to support your friend ... but involving yourself in the marital affairs of your friends is a good way to become an EX-friend.

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Jazlene Offline OP
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Revelation,
It is hard to ignore ur best friend who is devastated. I find your response rude. My friend has been drug through the mud and he keeps her an emotional mess. No, I won't ignore her. She needs a friend! Thanks for your advice.

If anyone else has some ideas of what I could do...please point me into an appropriate direction. Thanks

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Ask your friend to come to this site and request information. That way, you won't be the one meddling in her marriage. If she leaves her husband, she will blame you. If she stays, she will not want to talk to you. Steer her here and she can get help. It is her marriage to work on - not yours. MyRev was blunt but he has a point.


Over it.
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Jaz,

You misunderstood.

I said to "support" your friend ... be her confidant ... be a shoulder for her to cry on ... but DON'T GET INVOLVED in giving advice, badmouthing her H, or encouraging her to take any actions. THAT IS NOT YOUR PLACE!!!

This is HER life ... not YOUR drama.


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Jazlene Offline OP
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Stillstanding...Thank you for your response. My rev...
It is not my drama...I am not trying to make it a drama!!! I am and always have been there for her. I am so sick of hearing about THEIR drama...but you know what...I will listen to her as long as she needs. For myrev to assume that my reason for coming here is to dramatize her marriage, is wrong.

I am worried about her state of mind...emotional health. Her computer is down...I have encouraged her to visit this site. Printed off materials for her...read to her from here. She doe3sn't want him to be able to read anything she writes...especially her suspicions of him being gay. She asked him one time and he went off on her...screaming, yelling, caliing her every kind of [censored] there was...

I understand you said be her shoulder...I am... I am not butting in...advising her...dramatizing anything... This is her marriage...and the whole thing is wearing on her. I asked about the gay thing because SHE suspected it because of his reaction to her when she attempted to have sex with him...

I am in no way trying to encourage her to leave but I am encouraging her to find out who is having an affair with... it may not be the popular thing to do but her health is at stake here too.

Oh and btw...she is waiting to hear from me on the responses from here. Thanks again.

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Jazlene Offline OP
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my rev...
If I were trying to advise her...I would have encouraged her to leave him a long time ago...but you know what...that isn't MY place. thank you for your advise even though I find them rude. I still take them into consideration. jaz

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She knows that he is having an affair with someone. Any guy would be offended by being accused of being gay if they aren't. If she needs more info, she can put a voice activated recorder in his car and see what she hears.


Over it.
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Jazlene Offline OP
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stillstanding,
Yes. I told her I thought she had made a bad mistake by asking him if he were gay. What a blow to the ego let alone the other ramifications. That was a long time ago...but still. She has not ever mentioned that since. She has wondered like I said on again/off/again...only secretly to me. Honestly, If there r signs of a man being gay, still wouldn't mean he is... Anyway, the point is he is having affair with someone. Std's are a definite concern.

She is a very attractive young lady...but he isn't interested in her sexually... She has tried everything to get his attention but so far there is anything that worked. My heart is so broke for her...I can't stand to see her hurt anymore. She really is a wonderful person and was so happy when she met him. She thought he really loved her...believed with all her heart. Thanks everyone for the advice.

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Jazlene - Not only have all your posts been about your friend's marriage, but they started back in August of '08. Same problems reported.

If it were me, I'd take a step back. Your friend is getting emotional needs fulfilled by your conversations with her, which may actually impede any progress on her marriage (or active steps toward separation). I had a friend years ago in an abusive situation. She wanted to talk about it. A LOT. And get sympathy, which I gave her. Until I realized, she was not taking any steps to change her situation. Tore me up, but I had to remove myself from the scenario as the shoulder to cry on. She was very hurt by my "abandonment," but tells me today (we're very close again) that it was the best thing I could have done for her. When I was no longer listening to her sob story, she finally got motivated!

Another thing I'd like to mention - MB concepts don't work when an addiction is present. Daily use of adderoll sounds like an addiction....


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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Jazlene Offline OP
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Thank you Lucks... I have stepped back some...used to she would call every night now we are about every two weeks. Always after something happens. You have given some good advice and I can see how my relationship could be meeting her needs. I worry though... Thank you for taking the time to respond I appreciate it.

I was here in 99 and my marriage is still standing thanks to marriage builders! (20 years)

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Originally Posted by Jazlene
stillstanding,
Yes. I told her I thought she had made a bad mistake by asking him if he were gay. What a blow to the ego let alone the other ramifications. That was a long time ago...but still. She has not ever mentioned that since. She has wondered like I said on again/off/again...only secretly to me. Honestly, If there r signs of a man being gay, still wouldn't mean he is... Anyway, the point is he is having affair with someone. Std's are a definite concern.

She is a very attractive young lady...but he isn't interested in her sexually... She has tried everything to get his attention but so far there is anything that worked. My heart is so broke for her...I can't stand to see her hurt anymore. She really is a wonderful person and was so happy when she met him. She thought he really loved her...believed with all her heart. Thanks everyone for the advice.

She may be very physically attractive and sweet to you. You have no idea what is really going on between them when nobody is around. She may drive him nuts and make herself unattractive. She really needs to figure this out for herself. He is having sex with someone else. She knows that from what she has already found in his car. He is attracted to his affair partner.


Over it.
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Jazlene Offline OP
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stiistanding,
U r so right...along with others who have responded encouraging me to butt out. Thanks...I needed that! She is heading in the wrong direction but I can't fix this... She met an attorney tonight...but not in an office setting. It is an attorney they hv used in attempts to regain custody of his son. Not the right thing to do...she is responding to this guys attention and I totally understand why, even though it is wrong. She sent me a text...but I held my tongue and hit delete. I smell ea coming on... time for me to jump ship...well should hv been sooner but better late than never. Thanks

This is hard... She is very easy prey givien the last couple years. I dread this for her and him. Thanks again!

Last edited by Jazlene; 04/16/09 12:24 AM.
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She is putting you in a terrible position. Now you are part of her coverup. UGH!! She can come here and be completely anonymous if she really wants to save her marriage. She is making excuses and making poor judgements. She seems to want to justify her own bad behavior. That won't save her marriage or give her peace.


Over it.
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Jazz, are you the friend? You know how people sometimes ask for advice for "a friend."

Just checking. smile


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Jazlene Offline OP
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princessmeggy,
No...I am not the friend. smile I can understand your asking. My friend is truely like a sister to me and has been for several years. I found marriagebuilders in 99 when I was experiencing marriage troubles... Although my h wasn't open to this I used the plan A. After several yers of trial and error and on the verge of giving up...I found out many things that broke my heart in regards to my marriage. Even though I felt I had nothing left...this breakdown was actually the best thing that could have happened. I actually posted under the name of nothing left a couple of times... So now several more years later...my marriage is back on track,,,probably the healthiest it has ever been. My friend really doesn't have anyone besides me because her family lives far from her. We used to talk everyday many times a day....since she married we talk usually when something is going on. I am even trying to cut that down because I dont want to do as Lucks and many others have suggested. I want the best for her and definitely don't want to contribute to the downfall of her marriage. Their marriage is up against it...but she loves him and her children. Maybe this recent discovery of the condoms will lead them to a place where they can focus on their marriage. He did go to counseling with her the other day, although he has before, maybe it will be different this time. smile


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