I get what you are saying about the NC, but this was done without my knowledge or prompting. That was entirely her doing. At the time I felt like if I pushed for more that it would be the wrong move. I still feel like had I pushed for more it would have been disasterous. Again, this was not even a suggestion on my part. At that time everything was going so fast. When she told me that she sent him an email saying no contact I was elated. It wasn't until a few days later that I found out about the 3 month clause. At that point, I just felt like, ok I have bought some time. Hopefully he has enough sense not to call her, that it would just upset her. I doubt it though. I will say this, I am not worried about him calling her, I am worried about her response. If I find out that the affair continues in any way, it will be the end, and I will know that I did everything that I could. She will find out soon enough after, what she lost. At this point, I am at peace with myself!

Tell me something. How do you deal with "I don't know if I want to try/I don't know if I love you" and for how long? As I have said, we are at about 3 months. At times I think that she is starting to open her eyes, but other times I don't know. The lack of affection kills both my son and I. Is that at the end of withdraw, or will that show up soon? My 11 year old wants me to throw his mother out. That is the hardest part for me right now, and she knows nothing about it.

The MC says that there really isn't all too much that can be done until she decides that she wants to try. Tonight my son asked her to look at his homework, and she basically ignored him. She does tell him that she loves him, buut thats pretty much it. The dog and cat are well loved though! I am doing ok with all of this, just a bad day, which is not nearly as bad as they used to be. I read through my whole story yesterday, and I was surprised that it didn't bother me too much.

Why does she know nothing about it? Why are you sheltering her from his pain?

She knows some of it, but I don't know if that is the right thing to tell her. I don't want to fight this through my son. I don't want her to stay because she feels guilty. I want her to love me, and if not, there is no point in her staying. I value your opinion Big K, do you have another take on it?

Other than that my son has told her that he cries everyday, and that she has ruined his life. She thinks that he is exzaggerating. Too be quite honest, I try to pull my son up, and tell him that Mommy is sick right now, and we need to try and stay positive, if we are going to help her come out of it. I have basically tried to give him a plan A as well. She also doesn't know that if she leaves, he has already said he will not go with her. He has said he will have nothing to do with the OM other than to kick him.

chuck - what is your wife DOING to help get over this?

To be honest, I don't think that she is doing much at all. She goes to the MC twice a week, seperately still, and other than that, she is nice at home. We don't talk or work on anything, and the reason for that is that she says that she doesn't know if she loves me.

Yesterday we let her know how bad this is affecting our son, he admitted saying that he hates her and that I should throw her out. That she isn't much of a mother to him anymore. All she could come up with is "yeah yeah i"m the bad guy". I don't know where to go with that, but I did think that the talk got better. I let her know that it seemed as though she was just waiting for his call, and that she needs to push all in, if we are to have a chance. She said that she thinks that she has opened her heart to me and nothing has happened. Again I let her know that it is all or nothing, that we all can't continue this way. She asked and then what? If she says that she jumps in with both feet, then we should be all "lovey dovey", I said no, but certainly working towards that.

I don't know if any of thiat helped, I guess we will see.

I suggested that we call the Harleys today, after a call from the school finding out just how much we are hurting our son. My wife wants no part of it. I explained that I thought we needed to do more, that I wasn't sure how much has been accomplished with the current MC. She said she thinks that it is going well, even though at three months she is still undecided as to what she wants. That the MC told her some people take years. I think that he is doing the withdraw thing, but I would like to see us working on things at home, and not just 2 hours per week in his office. I tried to set an appointment anyway, I don't know if she will listen or not.

Chuck - My thoughts are that she is probably still in contact with OM - it's just deeper underground. MC without you? See I don't get that. And her fog regarding being willing to try? I honestly suggest you start planning for Plan B - ger an intermediary lined up and post a Plan B letter here for comment.

Time for her to poop or get off the pot.

I have those fears as well, but doesn't everyone say that it takes up to 6 months for the fog to lift? I don't know how or when they would still be in contact. Other than work phone and email, she really has very little oppurtunity. I want to believe that she is doing what she can right now, as things have gotten better around the house. I think I need to stay patient, but my eyes are open. Last night she said that she has thought that we were on such a roller coaster that counseling together wouldn't work, but that maybe now we are ready. That being said, she also said that she still doesn't know what to do.

Helo everyone. It's been a long time since I last posted. On feb. 17, the om called my ww at work. She told him simply that sh needs to work on her marriage. He told her that he loves her and good luck. She told me right after she hung up with him.

Since then, in a way I feel as though we have started over again,but in other wys it seems as thouh she is startingto come closer tome again. The hugs are longer and with more feeling, we laugh together, and play together. There are still no conversations, or intimacy. No kissing or her saying I love you. I don't think that there is any contact, and the mc doesn't seem to thin that there is either. I am slowly ploddng along in this waiting game. It still breaks my heart when she doesn't say I love you back, or when she turns her head when I ty to give her a kiss. I don't show it though.

So we are once again at the 6 weeks into NC. It sucks, but I hope that it wont be a full 6 months for the fog to lift. We had 3 months, before he called her. It's still very hard, but I am making it through! Any comments are welcome!

The battle will go on in different stages. It might end where you will be doing what she is doing now.

I wish you strength.

Imagine,

I'm sure that there is a lot of wisdom in yur words, but would you mind breaking it down for me. I don't understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.

Please everyone else, I am open to advice and suggestions!

Sorry I write too quickly without checking.

What I am saying is that during your recovery there come a point of rejection of WW as your "taker" starts to question whether this recovery is worthwhile -usually 6 months into recovery stage.

Right now you giver is working overtime as you try to overcome the stresses in your relationship with WW.

Please read all the articles on stages of recovery. Press Articles and Q&A section in the red margin above. You will be reading awhile.

I had noticed last week that I was startingto get angry, alot. I was mad that she turnsher head when I go to kiss her. I was mad that she just says alright, when I tell her I love her. I was mad that I gave her my life, and that she would do this to me. I understand that we made a marriage that was vulnerable to an affair. For my part in that, I take full responsibility, and I am changing the mistakes that I made. I started to get to a point that I thought it didn't matter to me what happened. I was tired of tis one way street that my marriage has become.

Then on Friday morning, before work, I heard the song "here comes goodbye" by Rascal Flatts. I said goodbye to my wife as she left for work, and I said I love you. No response again. The anger dissappeared, and I broke down crying again. I then walked outside to mycar to go to work, and m wife was pulling away. She saw me crying. She called me and asked me why I was crying, I told her that i'm ok, and we changed the subject.

Since then my wife for the first time reached out and held my hand, she has sat close to me on the couch. She has leaned into me and asked me to hold her(not verbally, but you get it). This is not constant, but a much bigger effort than before.

My problem is, with all of that, I want more. I want her to tell me that she loves me. I am tired of living this way. I deserve more than this. I don't think that there has been any contact since the om called at 3 months of nc. I need to stay strong, and I continue to sy,I don't know how much more of this I can take, but I am still here. What are the magic words? Someone here must know them.

Chuck,

You know this answer is coming. There are no magic words. There is time and patience, and there are decisions.

Let's do something real quick before I have to leave. Is she treating your son better? Is she spending more time with him?

Are you seeing any little things that are changing? If so, consider it progress.

You keep doing what you have been doing. I'll do some searching and see if I can find SKM's chronicles. You can search my old posts by clicking on my name and going back to posts in 01 or 00 to find her posts/ or my posts to her. That is a few hundred pages ago, probably 300 hundred pages of my posts.

Hang in there. Progress is coming but it often comes in jumps, not smoothly.

God Bless,

JL

The only magic words will come from you heart. Have you written her love letters. This is a way to a womans heart. When you write, there is no inflection of voice, no facial expression, no body language. All it is just words from your heart. Write her a letter every day. Tell her all the wonderful things you like about her. Tell her how you ache for her love. Tell her how you have missed your best friend. Confess any perceived wrong she may attribute to you and what you are doing to change them. Tell her what your hopes are for the future. You have to connect with her heart if you're going to win her back. Just let your heart poor out on to the paper. The fact is, these letters will change you as much as her. Maybe more. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE AFFAIR.

I'll give you an example. I rarely e-mail my wife. But one day I thought I would just send her one. I told her this.

YOUR FINGER PRINTS ARE ALL OVER THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

She came home, touched so deeply with tears in her eyes telling my how wonderful that made her feel. I will never forget her face. Its just putting your feelings into words.

JL,

I am seeing small changes taking place. She has twice grabbed my hand and held it recently. She is coming to me to hold hand or give her a hug here and there. It's just that I don't know if there is something wrong with me now or what. I do see the progress, but I don't seem to be happy with it. As I said before, I am finding myself getting angry, I don't know how much more of this I want to take. Before I asked how much could I take. I am tired of living this way, and i'm afraid to say this, but if major changes don't happen soon, then they may be too late.

Ouch

I tried out your idea. I like it! I have sent her 2 emails in the last week. She doesn't say anything about it unless I ask, and then she kind of blows it off. I also sing on her voicemail. Again the only response is when I ask, and then she makes jokes about what I did. I don't get it, that she says that I wasn't affectionate enough, but when you get no response or you are just mad fun of, then after awhile it goes away. Today, I actually said to her "and you wonder where the affection went"