Just thought I'd introduce myself.

Ive been married for a considerable time and things have been great up until I started to suspect that something was "going on" with my wife and another man. My suspicions have been made known as Im an honest sort and I fear that its all just being covered up with lies.

Im confused and dont know what to believe. All of this when as a family we just seem to have settled nicely.

Ill be doing a lot of reading no doubt but all advice is welcome.

S

Welcome.



First off, you'll need to find out what is going on, so start snooping. When and if you find out that she is having an EA(emotional affair) or a PA(physical affair), you'll need to expose it to her family, your family, OM's W, etc. It's the one tool you have to bust up the A so it needs to be done in one big tsunami. And do not forecast it.

Read on this site, especially about Plan A and B. You should be working on plan A. Here's a summary of plan A:
________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here's a link to the actual plan by Dr Harley.

Plan A and Plan B


Read read read and post with your questions. Sorry you have to be here, but you've found the right place to save your M.

Give us some more info like how long M? Children? etc

Sorry you are here skrewed. First things first...

Start SNOOPING your tail off. Do the following and find out just what's going on:

- install keylogger on all computers you can
- check her e-mail, facebook, IM, etc. (keylogger will get you her passwords)
- GPS track her car
- check credit card and cell phone records looking for any strange #s
- if she's got smart phone, get flexispy.com
- install voice activated recorder in her car


If your gut is telling you somethings wrong, you are probably right. Snoop and verify her whereabouts.

And tell us more -- how long married, kiddos, etc.

Hang in there and keep reading!

DNU and Michele are right, you need to stop asking and start snooping. Find out on your own what is going on. Stop telling your W about your suspicions because it will cause her to just hide better.

If you don't like the term "snooping" replace it with investigating .

You cannot make smart decisions without knowing the facts.

Thanks for the response. Investigating has commenced but I guess having confronted her about it with evidence early on (couple of weeks ago - bad mistake - D'oh) it might take a while for info to become available. Have got some passwords for emails etc so will have to wait and see.

Married for 9 years, known each other for 14 - 1 daughter. Me 31 her 28.
OM - married for quite a while with kids and is approx 15 years older than me.

I have been suspicious for a couple of months now.
What confuses me is that sometimes things are said (Im paying a lot more attention to detail now) that would contradict an affair. Like going to OM house together to collect something. Surely OM would want to keep his address private? In the time I have been suspicious our sex life has decreased but its still there, just not as regular and it looks like it could be returning to "normal". Shes still interested in kissing and cuddling but on occasion she seems to get in a really bad mood for no reason ?confusing?
The truth is the evidence I found was a hotel receipt, my blood boiled and now regretably I confronted her with it. The excuse - She was covering for the bloke Im guessing shes seeing by paying for it so he cant get caught by his wife.
Gut instinct is that I dont believe her but I want to - if that makes sense.

Its a waiting game now. Plan A is in motion but it adds to the confusion, be the sweetest little sucker on the outside, pretending all is OK when inside you have to live with the anxiety from checking her every move.

Thanks again

S

Let us know what you find.



That's normal behavior to throw you off. It's good you know who he is. You'll need that info.

I hired a PI to get more intel. You might want to think about that.

Take care of yourself. This is a very long, hard journey.

The sex is getting back to normal because she did cheat. You need to tell the OMs wife. She needs to b watching him too. Two sets of eyes are better then one. Lets say in a world of fantasy that your wife did by the hotel room for him. That means that she has no respect for another marriage. You didn't tell us originally that you had a hotel receipt and she admitted to paying for it. Get a PI go to the hotel. and have him look at the film of the lobby. They all have them. You don't need 1 more bit of proof. Do not let her sweep this under the rug. You must out him to his wife. In fact I would confront the man and tell him he will tell you everything or you will out him to his wife.

NO! Do not THREATEN to expose him to his wife; just DO IT!

If you threaten to expose, he will pre-empt you by telling his wife that you are a guy with mental issues who imagines that he is having an affair with your wife. He will also tell your wife about the threat, and she will start telling her family that she doesn't know what's gotten into you....that all of a sudden, you have become insanely jealous for no reason.

Besides, his wife has a RIGHT to know!

More info has now been gathered Ive found some messages between W and another friend of hers that confirms it all *sigh*

I know I need to sit back and breathe this all in at the moment but Im still in shock and dont want to act too hastilly.

I love this woman and dont want to loose her (or at least thats how I feel at this point in time) and my fear of telling the OM's wife is that she will just walk away leving opportunity for W & OM to shack up.

I have his personal email address and it did enter my mind to do as ouchthathurt suggests. It might put an end to the affair, it might turn it all upside down.

Your marriage can survive her being mad. It cannot survive her having sex with the other man. Full disclosure to everyone. Friends, family, work. DO NOT THREATEN THIS. JUST DO IT. Affair exist in the dark and in secret. Confront her on with e-mails. Do not worry about her crying invasion of privacy. She lost all rights to privacy when you found the hotel receipt. You must out the affair to the OMs wife. Let her control him, you control your wife. Then compare note. You must be direct with your wife that this is not to be tolerated. Not angry, NO CRYING IF YOU CAN HELP IT. Outing her will show her that there are consequences to bad choices. She will try to blame shift it on to you. DO NOT ACCEPT IT. You have no fault in this. She had this affair because she lost her respect for you. This is the time to make a strong impression, to gain back that power and respect. You need her focused on you and your marriage. Not how she can eat cake with the other man, while you sit idoly by begging and pleading her not to hurt you anymore. It is more important for you to have self respect then a cheating wife. Self respect, will command respect from her. Power not anger, that is the key

The truth is the evidence I found was a hotel receipt, my blood boiled and now regretably I confronted her with it. The excuse - She was covering for the bloke Im guessing shes seeing by paying for it so he cant get caught by his wife.
Gut instinct is that I dont believe her but I want to - if that makes sense.

Wow that is a new one!!! Sorry I don't believe that for one second. I would go to the motel and ask for the names of who got the room and a descrition if can.

Too many red flags. Get a keylogger to read emails and get passwords to accounts you don't know about. Cell phone traffic between the two etc.

This is EXACTLY why I didn't want to expose to my WW's AP's GF. Trust me, although your fear is real, it's unfounded in reality. The best thing you can do to end the A is to expose.

I couldnt take it anymore. I got sufficient evidence and I confronted her on Sunday morning. Dropped kiddywink at the grandarents and went for it, cool calm and collected.

She said she knew when she had been defeated and came out with all the details. I didnt really expect her to be so understanding to all of my questions and requests. She said she was happy to answer everything I asked. She did break down and was in tears for a couple of hours.

There is a problem though. When I initially said she had to leave her job she said "OK just let me get my next pay check as I have things to pay for" (we rely on both incomes) however, theres a complication that I kind of knew was going to be raised. Shes studying through the firm and if she leaves now she says she wont be able to complete the studies. I know for fact that shes put a great deal into the studying but she said she would hate me if I took that away from her when shes so close to completing it. I understand but I know going to work each day puts her at such high risk of things just continuing.

The only thing I could put in place at the time was to get her to call him, tell him it was over and that I knew everything and it had to end or I was going to his house to tell his wife. I was sat where I could hear his conversation and he sounded shocked but said "I dont have any choice, do I"? The affair lasted for 3 months. He has said to her that he will respect my offer as he doesnt want to loose his family, but I cant trust him or her right now.

My wife says that she wants to make us work and I can find it in my heart to forgive her. I wasnt paying her the attention she deserved for a long time but she knows that was no excuse for what she did. So, she has 2 months at this hell hole until shes finishes her qualification and she says she will leave then. I have told her to leave now and I will sort us out financially, she can stay at home finish studying and then go out and get another job with her qualification. I am waiting to see if anything develops on this side of things but in the meantime it's hell watching her walk off to work each morning. Apparently OM isnt in the office this week but has called her yesterday and today sounding quite angry about the whole thing really. Apparently OM says a rumour has been started high up in the company and OM thinks I might have started it and appears to be taking it out on her now over the phone.

Wife is now upset, "lost" doesnt want to go to work. I have told her I will do anything to get us going again and I know its a little late but Ive really being trying to let her know how much I love her and dont want to loose her. Its kind of the wrong time for all of it but Im also putting in massive effort to let her know I care for her and love her, paying attention and all that when I know a part of her wants to be left alone. Lastly, she feels violated knowing I snooped through all her stuff. She knows it was the only way I could get the info I needed but I know deep down shes a bit angry about her privacy being broken.

I dont know what to do, Im taking one day at a time but I still cant eat, sleep or think properly. Until the day she leaves that place I know its going to remain that way.

You negotiated away your best weapon to truly end the adultery.

You should have contacted his BW. She deserves to know and it is the right thing to do.



Every day will be contact. Every day the withdrawal clock restarts. This is like covering yourself in gasoline and playing with matches.

Hi - Sorry you find yourself in this position. Have you read up on the MB concepts and plans? If so then you know that you need to EXPOSE right now! You can't let your W. and the OM take control. It has to be you. When are you calling the OM's W?

Way too easy. You have not heard anything yet.




That would be an adultery historical first.

I'm sure you don't have all the details yet.

She said that continued contact with the OM was more important than your marriage.

Have you phoned OMW? If not do it now.

Have your wife send a no contact letter to OM and YOU mail it. Then have her change her cell phone number, TODAY. Change her email addy if you can.

TOO BAD that she feels violated that you snooped. She shouldn't have been cheating. End of that discussion. You have a right to know what is going on in your life. Do not apologize for fighting for your M.

Having her work there for two months is very dangerous. And because of it, the A is not over. Won't be until all C is ended. It also gives them a chance to go further underground. They have a place that they can get to together to plan their C. It's a bad idea. It'll be this "us against the world" thing which will bring them closer together. Not good.