Please help me as I am at a loss as to what to do.
My husband was on a trip with a charity for 2 weeks and fell in love with another woman on the trip. They knew it wasn't right and did not have a sexual relationship. However, on their return they continued contact through facebook and messaging each other. The girl was saying that he had to sort out his marriage but he has fallen for her. I discovered a few weeks ago and he says that he is praying that he can forget her and that our marriage will work. I gave him the chance and then discovered that he had been in contact with her again. He is now staying with his mum and the girl has deleted him as a friend on facebook - but I believe she is still waiting in the wings to see if we work it out or not. He says he still loves me but not enough. What do I do now - I want my marriage to work?

Alison_hope,

I am here for you and listening to what you have said. I do have advice and things to say, but bear with me, I am going to think more about what you said and get back to you. I like to write a lot so it takes me awhile, but know this truth, that you are not alone at all!!!

Cindy

I am sorry to hear about your trouble. First I will ask a few questions and then give you some thoughts. How long have you been married? And how long were you with your husband before you got married? Do you have children?

And I can tell you that I am unsure that my husband is my soul mate. I love him very much, but I do not believe that he is the one I am meant to be with. But because I married him and not the OM, I have put the OM out of my mind and am trying to make it work with my H. I am doing everything in my power to make my marriage work. For a couple of months my husband and I did not even tell each other that we loved each other. My husband even told me that he wasn't sure if he did love me. But I gave him some time, but at the same time I made sure he knew I still loved him. (And I also told him that I would not wait for him forever, because I deserve better than that) And now he will say it if I say it first. But that was from his own problems. I have lost some faith in my M, but I still love my husband. And as long as that love is still there I will continue to be there for him. And keep the OM as far away from my mind and heart as possible.

I would say talk to him, think about what you want for the future. Talk to him about what you want, ask him what he wants. Figure out what you feel, and tell him that he needs to figure things out for himself how he feels about you. You can't force him back, but you can show him how much you want him back. Try going on a date, spend some time getting to know each other again. But you must have faith in yourself. And you must know that you are strong enough to handle what ever happens.

welcome Alison,

Soulmate, shmoulmate. That's what alot of them say. It's in the script. I'm sorry you have to be here but you've found a good place. And there is hope to restore your M. Read up on plan A and plan B. Right now you should be in plan A.

What is Plan A and Plan B?

You need to find out who this OW is so you can expose this A to her family along with his family and yours. Now I know you probably are thinking "what are you crazy?why?". Well it is your only tool to actually bust up the A. A's thrive in secrecy, so you take that away and then the light shines down for everyone to see, including your WH. Some A's end the day they are exposed. So it is very powerful so do not warn anyone,get your info and then do it like a tsunami of truth. Basically you tell your family and his that you want to save your M and you need their support. Even ask your ILs for advice.

Lots of people are afraid to do this because their WS is going to be livid. But you can survive their anger, you cannot survive their A. So get some intel on this OW. Read up on Plan A.

What makes you think that they weren't physical? He told you? One thing to know is that WSs LIE. They lie to your face as they swear on their kids' lives. DO NOT believe his words, watch his actions.

Check his phone bills, credit cards, emails, etc.

Here's alittle summary of plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Give us some more info like how long M? Kids? etc

Alison,

Agree with everything that Michelle has said to you.

Will only add, that you need to read the books by Dr. Harley.
Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs. And then eventually Lovebusters.
These books will guide you through the MB plan.

And ... your WH needs to move back home.

And ... will reiterate ... you need to expose the A.

Snoop Snoop Snoop.

And, one more thing, your WH's A, was not your fault. It was he who had loose boundaries and acted selfishly by filling his needs by whom ever he allowed.

Thanks for your comments. We have been married for 17 years on 1 May and before that we dated for 6 years. We met when I was 17. We have 2 girls. I have emailed the girl and left voice messages for her. She is currently on holiday in Hong Kong. Her email said that she was sorry and wanted us to work out our marriage. She soes not live locally and I know that it was not a physical relationship. Since I sent her the email she deleted by husband as a friend on facebook and has removed her blog which I posted on through fear of people finding out. She is the pianist for a Christian group and this would hit her very hard if it got out. I don't know much about her. My husband is missing us and still tells me he loves me but not enough. This is such a struggle as my two girls aged 10 and 6 are very confused. He has been coming over every day to visit and we were on MSN a few minutes ago but I had to stop because he was being so nice - it is heartbreaking. I feel as though it is just an ego boost for him knowing that I still want him.

alison, welcome to MB. One of the sticks of plan A is to expose. You need to expose this A to anyone with influence over these two. Your H's behavior says to me that he is still in contact with her. OW's cannot be trusted so don't contact her again. You need to expose her to her ministry and her group, as well as the record producer, her parents etc. You need to expose to your H's parents, friends, and anyone else with influence. That is the only way you can make this affair more difficult for them.

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Harley. Get cracking on a good plan A, both the carrot and the stick.

Allison, Michele is giving you good advice. "soulmate" is a nonsense term from silly chick flicks. You can create romantic love in your marriage by following the concepts you will find here.


Your best bet in quickly killing this affair is to expose it to everyone. Expose to her pastor, her parents, and even call her up. Let her know that you will not sit by idly while she has an adulterous affair with your husband.

That statement says CONTACT.

You can't believe a word he says.

Amen!

This is pretty hard to believe that the adultery did not go physical. 2-weeks away from home? They are the source of this information?

I think you have some bad news on that score.

They are still in contact.


This is priority #1.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

Alison_hope,

eyeonthesparrow, here. I do not know what other people at this sight may think of you e-mailing this woman and leaving voice mails to her, but I have done this same thing. I wanted my husband's prostitute woman to know what was up. By the way, I am not lying when I say that my husband's girl was a prostitute, she literally was one, from Vietnam.

I say good for you, don't make it easy for her or your husband. In fact, I told my husband that, "I am not going to make this easy for you". I have sent several text messages to this girl where she has gotten the message.

She is in Hong Kong! I wouldn't doubt that she is into more men than just your husband. Her traveling around like she does, and she is not committed to Jesus! Yes, she is not committed to Jesus! When you are so into Jesus you do not do things like this even if you are having a real though time in your life.

Is she in the Celebrant Singers? I was probably 17 years old when I heard about this group and went to one of their concerts in Fresno Ca. God is very unhappy about this. She is not committed to Jesus.

You said that this would hit her very hard if this got out. I think that it should get out. You should let it out. And, I think that you should let the group that she is playing the piano for know what the truth is. God is not happy with what the church is doing. We have so so many people in the church sinning left and right. I believe you should expose her to the fullest. The music she plays for God should be for him, but she is not right with God so how can she really be giving her all to Jesus? She is absolutely not!!! This woman does not have any excuses to glorify God and do what she is doing. She is wrong as so as your husband is.

I will get back to you on your original post.

I am in agreemet with you. I am here for you.

Cindy

I understand about the ego boost feeling, but if you still love him, he should know. My husband makes me feel the same way, and as long as we are together I will do my best to tell him I love him every single day. Its good that the OW said that you should work on your marriage. I suggest printing out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and make him fill it out, and you should fill one out too. You will then know what he needs from you emotionally and he will know what you need, and you can work on it together. After being married so long things die down and become stagnant, shoot for me it happened after only 2 years of being married. But there are ways of getting through that. Get a babysitter for your girls and go out on dates. Try and rekindle that old spark. Keep talking and keep spending time together as a family and he will realize what he is missing. I don't know about the whole exposure thing, but at their age, I don't think the girls really need to know what is going on. I would tell them that "mommy and daddy just need some time apart." or "daddy is helping gramma at the moment" I know that many will disagree with me on this, but those two little girls are still innocent and I am sure they look up to their daddy. I don't think it is a good idea to shatter that idealism. It might be more helpful to wake him up if they do know, but it won't be any good to them. They don't need to grow up hating their daddy. But that's just my opinion, do what you think is best for yourself and your girls.

Sorry, but lying to little children does not make them happy. Children can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. Lies and illusions do not make kids happy. Dr. Harley is quite adamant that children be told the truth. Its not in anyones best interest to lie.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:



Alison, just know that Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience and he is quite adamant that it is best for children to know the truth. Your kids are already confused enough. The solution is to tell them the truth and give them moral guidance. If you don't tell them the truth, your H will tell them lies and spin the truth about TOU. You would be leaving them vulnerable to his lies if you don't tell them.

I don't know where "Goddess" Lacey gets the notion that children should be lied to, but be assured that is not the advice of Dr. Harley.

I have this one hour MP3 if you want it. Just email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

ML, please leave me out of your posts. You have the right to your opinion, as do I. I will not twist anything you have said only provide my own opinion, I hope you will begin to do the same. I don't think we will ever see eye to eye, but I am willing to say bygons right now. And wish you a nice recovery from your surgery. However I will not allow you to make a mockery of my name or of me. And you should read my posts more clearly if you are going to comment on them, because you have only twisted everything I said into something negative. I didn't tell her to lie to the children, just don't tell them the entire truth. In some ways I can see how it can help, but because her husband did not have physical contact with the OW and that things are getting better between them, I don't think telling the girls that their daddy is a lying, cheating, dirtbag is going to help anything. As I tend to do I offered her an alternative. It is up to her what she does. And I apologize to Alison for needing to say that.

Alison, since you have come here seeking help, that shows that you have courage. You can get through this. Believe in yourself!

Thanks for your opinion, GoddessLacey.

Just because her WH SAID that they were not physical does not mean that is true.

And saying that he loves her but not enough is NOT "things are getting better". Far from it. She's got a long journey ahead of her. She needs a plan and that is what this site and the Harleys provide.

From the "Welcome to MB" page:

"The members of this community are peers and not professionals. This is a meeting place of people who have had some of the same problems you face. Each member shares their own experience, perspective, and opinion about various topics. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those that would be endorsed by Dr. Harley or his staff. So please keep this in mind as you discuss issues with the members of the community."

My own experience of browsing marriage and infidelity forums is that this one stands far above the rest for one reason; that it is grounded in a specific set of concepts, and tried and proven strategies.

Dr Harley's programme, which can be found in his books and the articles on this website, provides specific advice on specific situations. That advice is not based on Dr Harley's opinion but on the successful methods he has developed with couples. The most appropriate advice is that that has been endorsed by Dr Harley. If new posters are being given contrary advice this should be pointed out to them. The goal is to help them using MB techniques, not to provide a menu of opinions from which they, in their ignorance and despair, can be expected to make a reasoned choice. Our opinions are not equal to Dr Harley's experience.

Where posters present issues that Dr Harley has given advice on, there is a template on which to base advice. We have an obligation to refer and defer to Dr Harley, since this is his site.

Dr Harley has said that even quite young children should be told the truth about their parent's affair, and he has explained why he says this. MelodyLane was giving the original poster his advice, not merely her own opinion.

You suggested telling them that their father was helping their grandmother, which would be lying.

Where was the suggestion to tell the children that their father was a "lying, cheating dirtbag"? The advice was to tell the children the truth, not to use abusive words.

Why do you tend to offer an alternative to Dr Harley's advice?

The soulmate thing is crap. It is how a cheater rationalizes their horrible behavior so they can look in the mirror. It is complete and utter hogwash.