I'm on a roll, aren't I. LOL

Thanks Queenie, Thank you for sharing more of your story with me. You really work on yourself. And a good support system is extremely important. I am trying to create a good support for myself with this site and being honest with family and friends so I want have to go through this by myself. How are your boys doing, and do they have a relationship with their father after exposing him?

My husband too is a recovery addict. Cocaine was his drug of choice. He did not go to meetings when we were together, My husband was going on 9 years clean when we got together. I had a std test about 3 months ago, and everything came back negative. We have not had sex since he has been gone. Sounds like it is for the best. I couldn't see it, now I am able to put it together. Not sure what he is dealing with. He stays angry and distant even from his family.

When we were together he said that he did not need meetings, because he knew how to handle his recovery without meetings and a sponsor. He started hanging out with his old friends. He had relapsed before he left, because he had begin to drink beer and smoke weed. I do not use nor have I ever been addicted to any substance.

How will you deal with the op having hep C.? Did your husband relapse? will drug addiction keep my husband away?

This is my second marriage and his first marriage. we both are over 45, and should be enjoying our grand kids. we have no children together but have been there for several births of grand kids on both sides.

I just feel that he is so deelply involved, I just don't know anymore. But I also believe that God will deal with all of this in his own time in his own way.

I believed that I was beginning to work a good plan A, and possibly moving on to Plan B. when I got the from his attorney.

I ask for prayer from the prayer site that your friend mention earlier today, I forgot the name of the prayer site, that was helpful. I need to stay focused on prayer and healing, and also learning more about myself.

What was the turning point for your WH? 2 years is also a long time to be apart, but he was continually seeing the kids.

How did you deal with him not helping with the bills. How did the legal separtation help with things in terms of his responsiblities with the marriage.

I have so many question for you and this site.

Thank you Queenie, I see your journey and wonder how you did it, I know with prayer and believing that God will do what is best for everyone, even bring your husband back after all this time. You are an amazing person.

I had to, I was as much the problem.

If you find the in real life your friends are being supportive or they think you should move on, etc. Don't worry about it. I had the same thing happen. In fact, I almost went an entire year without my best friends because they didn't understand and didn't buy into the addiction theory. Still don't. But now I don't bother them with my problems and we see each other again, although way shorter periods.

Ah, here is the beauty of G-d. Where I might have had at least 50% of damage in the M, WH's non-relationship with the children is ALL on him. Basically he completely abandoned them. He went from being an every day dad to NOTHING. He was tired of putting other people first and wanted to put himself first. My boys hate him, but he has done NOTHING but be the victim in all this. I hold the space that all can heal one day in G-ds time. My DD, he is building back a relationship with her.

That was my H's drug of choice. If he isn't going to meetings then I would humbly offer he isn't in recovery and for him the disease has just taken hold like for mine throught he affair method. Selfishness, self-centeredness is the root of our disease. We suffer from a spiritual disease. The first step is really two parts. I am powerless over.... and my life has become unmanageable. Truly I believe you can substitute in anything....alcohol, drugs, woman, affair, places, etc. If it changes the perception of yourself, you can become addicted to it. Not the second part, my life has become unmanageable. This is the crux. They wayward absolutely does GET or SEE how their life has become unmanageable and unfortunately it's their bottom that they have to hit to get it.

He has to protect himself from his choices. I believe deep down they know what they are doing is wrong, but the wayward is so in control...

He is an ACTIVE ADDICT... He is out of CONTROl.... For me, it would have almost been easier to have WH be actively using, then I knew deep in the recesses of his soul he couldn't lie to himself. However, the very fact that he was still sober and unhappy allowed him the opportunity to sink further down the hole. Alas, his journey.

The other person does have Hep C. Does WH, I don't know. No, my husband didn't relapse, he is too arrogant and self-centered, but should G-d be able to let WH understand he is lost in his addiction.. That will be a hard day for him. Unfortunately Sunshine, I can't answer what will or won't happen. I'm not G-d. I remember so well how I NEEDED, desperately NEEDED people to tell me that this would happen and bring him home, but they couldn't. ONLY G-d knows how it ends. You could pray for your WH to reach bottom in both addictions, you could pray that G-d put people in his life who could help him see his path or help him see the problems he is creating. Drugs just allows them to sink further into their lies. The changes in perception. We addicts, will do almost ANYTHING to feel the feelings inside of us, to quiet the voices that live in us daily. He is no different than me.

Your new mantra TRUST and have FAITH in G-d. He will take care of it in his time and it will be good.

My strength is not in advice on what to work. I can help you with how to work them. If people think you should stay in Plan A, I can offer suggestions on how to do it. And I can be here with you during Plan B. It was so lonely and hard in the beginning.

There is a book I can recommend. It's call G-d is more than Enough. It helped me beyond words to explain and find a way to survive.

WH hasn't seen his children up close and personal,well my DD it was over a year I am pretty sure, he hasn't seen OS since January 08, missed his high school graduation, and the younger son, last saw him close in November 08. He isn't parenting today. I take care of the kids all by myself. We have a parenting plan in place, but my YS doesn't want to have anything to do with him and so it was never put into force. After I went to court, WH contacted YS, but told him that YS WILL respect OW if he came over. He NEVER went over.

When he first left, he literally turned his entire paycheck over to me to maintain the house. We lost the house and moved to separate places. Once that happened I was supposed to trust him and he would give me half of his paycheck. When that didn't work, I hauled his butt into court and won, child support and spousal support. The only thing it helped with was giving me recourse should he stop giving me money. His pay is garnished, but oddly enough his company is the problem of me getting the money.

I'm all alone tonight, ask away.

TRUST me when I say I have my own skeletons and secrets in the closet. I am just an ordinary person who was brought to her knees at the worst time in my life, I sought out G-d and he was gracious enough to forgive me for my sins and allow me to build back myself into the woman he designed.

Queenie, that was a lot, I love the honesty, something I need to get use to again, It brings back the ability to know that you can trust again too.

I believe that with the power of God, relationships will be mended in time. Would it be to difficult for your husband just to come home now. I know that God works in his own time, God must still be working on your husband's heart.

Do you think that your husband feels any quilt? I know you said that selfishness and self centerness is the root of the disease, and working the steps is a must in order to stay sober, your husband has managed to stay sober, that is amazing, but you also said that he was in affair mode with his addiction. subsututing one for the other.

I hope your boys get help, because hate is a hard feeling to carry around. Do your kids what their father back in the home again.

My husband also said that it is now all about him. He also was tired of being the people pleaser as he put it. He told me the story of how he damaged relationship when in active before we got married, and when we were together his family made great efforts to make sure that they continued to be apart of his life and share with me as well, He used for about 6 years straight before he went into treatment. He still has a hard time looking at his part in the breakdown of his family relationships.

His mother told me that he has now created a pattern that is obvious to follow. Before he would leave other women, never marry them. This time he found the love of his live, me, and we were married. We have built a beautiful home, I still live in the house, and I have managed to maintain the bills even though it has been hard, but I manage, and pray that things will continue to be maintained. My kids help with cutting the grass and car repairs.

The only person I have contact with in his family is his mother, his sister never really liked me, but she did tell him he need to go home. She believes in marriage and has been married for many years with their share of difficulties, but now can say successfully married.

My family still ask how he is doing, if I have heard from him, and to continue to pray for him. I never speak negative of him, just the facts, i.e. no he has not called, or yes, he was here on Tuesday, and so everyone would get their hopes up thinking that he was trying to work his way back home. So did I. I believe that he wanted to see the house, and how I was doing inside. I believe he is having a hard time with me being able to maintain. So now he has to make it difficult by filing for divorce.

I hope the divorce does not go through, I pray that the rubber meets the road soon! for his sake, with the active addiction, he needs to work a program, and I pray that God will lead him to recovery.

God does say that if he can forgive us 7X70 then who are we not to forgive. I understand that part, so we can move forward. God also says that if we judge harshly, then he will judge us harshly, so I also understand trying to be of a godly thought and spirit. It makes perfect sense. I will find time to pray, and meditate.

I have to let go and let God at this point, RED FLAGS!!! but I do need your help with a plan if one is possible at this point, but I need some help. especially being able to help myself and grow in the process. Only God knows how things will take place, and what is happening on the other side.

He does not sound happy, so I do believe he is more into the addiction that anything, only because that came before the affair, I think.

What do you think I should do first at this point? I respect your opinion and process.

I only have my heart and honesty. I lived too long in lies and deceit because I too was in my addiction. But I'm still an addict and lying unfortunately is always easier for me. Kinder, softer way. LOL

I would give ANYTHING to know if that were true. But I simply am only able to TRUST and WALK in FAITH. It's hard I'll give you that.

You know Sunshine, I believed I knew my H once upon a time. And to some extent I knew him better than anyone except for his aunt. But what I don't know is if this person is my H or WH and I have NO CLUE what the WH thinks and feels so I try to not disrespect this person and assume he feels anything.

I wish my boys would get help too. Unfortunately they are very similar to their father and won't even entertain the possiblities that they are angry and having troubles handling the situation. My boys say they hate him and don't want him back. See my H was three weeks away from being president of our temple, he taught Sunday school for almost 7 years and taught the ten commandments. My kids worshipped their dad and quite honestly were closer to him than me. What he did rocked their world and I hold the hope and faith that if my H were to make amends for what he did they would eventual forgive. Unfortunately the WH has been in control and he believes that he is the victim and he reached out to the kids, but because they weren't willing to accept crack ho... he just abandoned them. He doesn't quite get it.

Admitting the truth to oneself that your actions, that you are capable of hurting those you are supposed to love the most has to be hard. But here's the very cool part to remember. Your WH says and thinks the same way the OTHERS do. He is typical and so you can formulate a plan and be prepared as well as learn and protect your heart. You have more information on what's happening. He is a stupid wayward.

That's all we can for.

This is what I do everyday, when I first wake up in the morning, during the day and last thing when I go to bed.

Mimi, ingrained this in my very being. FAITH, TRUST and BELIEVE. It's the ONLY WAY.

Unfortunately Sunshine, we just don't know what they are thinking. They are DRUG AFFECTED, INSANE and ALIENS. Ignore him, pray for him. Realize this is no longer your H and protect yourself. Learn.... I mean this. If you are in Plan A, learn when you are talking to the WH and when you are talking to you H. There is a difference, I saw it in his eyes. It was absolutely astounding to see it, but it was so clear. As a rule, Plan A the H and Plan B the WH. So if the vets determine it's best to stay in Plan A, then remember that. Because you aren't trying to talk to the WH, you are fighting to reach your H. Got it... Very important. Ignore the monster, go for the soul.

The Harley's are adament that you shouldn't Plan A and active addict/alcoholic. He is so full into his selfishness that it will kill your lovebank.

Be honest with yourself. How strong are you to Plan A someone who will only take from you? No expectations. You aren't looking to make him come home, just feed him inside and have him remember the good parts of you?

Queenie, Feed him inside the good parts, I have been in Plan A going past 6 weeks, the suggested amount of time, then he filed, should I do plan A longer, this would give more time right now, before the divorce goes through, or should I do a plan B letter and go dark. I really don't want to kill my love bank, so I am willing to listen to suggestions.

With the help of this site I better understand what is happening in the WH head, oops! nothing, and he is not able to respond at this point in a receiving way, you tell me, only God knows why he would tHe is an text on a Friday night regarding the divorce, I can't guess anymore, and it is better not, but It appears that he wants to talk more than he realizes, or he would not being communicating at all with me.

I do not disrespect him when we communicate, however, I do not always respond to him because he is mean at times. only is he half way nice is if he wants something, ie, information, he used to ask for things like tax papers, resumes from the computer, I would send it to him. He keeps talking about the house, and that I have everything, I he gave me everything, and that I want for nothing, sounds like he is trying to clear his consious.

I don't know anything about the other person, and I dont' know where to get any information, he keeps himself in hidding, he lives in another county.

I know where he lives, but do not make a seen, I believe that he would call the police on me, I don't want the drama, and I don't want to see something that will get in my head.

They say that when an addict goes back out, it is worse each time, he has a good job and is in school for his associates degree, he was studying for his BA and changed because it would require to much work on his part, and a drug screen, this other degree does not require that unless he works for an agency that would ask him too, but for the most he can work for himself. He could be doing that now, but he has not been doing that either, he does not return calls to people who ask him to do his job. so I believe that he is not doing what he said he loves to do. freelancing.

The disease does disappoint loveones, the people he has been the closet to, his family, me, my family, he no longer communicates with. He peeks out every once in a while to see his only daughter who is now 21, but she has not talk to him lately, so he could be on a binge with the crazy things he is saying and doing along with the affair, he is a stupid wayward, and it appears that some are more studpid that others.

does your husband go to meetings? does he have a sponsor?

the reason I ask about the legal separation is because my husband has not paid any bills since he has been gone, would the court have him make some sort of amends for that helping financially?

It helps a lot when I pray and I have find time in the morning, and sometimes at work, and in the evening, even if it is for a few minutes, I try to pray more and more everyday, and listen to up lifting music, and listen to retore marriage ministry, that encouraging, I try to find support where I can, but I am also realistic about my life.


ACTIVE ADDICT... He is out of CONTROl.... For me, it would have almost been easier to have WH be actively using, then I knew deep in the recesses of his soul he couldn't lie to himself. However, the very fact that he was still sober and unhappy allowed him the opportunity to sink further down the hole. Alas, his journey.

He is out of control, right now with no consious, he will not let anyone in his way of getting his drug, whatever that is substances, affair, self centerness, not answering to anyone but himself or maybe the op.

Thanks for the mantra, I will use it everyday, several times a day.

T/J...

Hey, Pep. What does your signature line mean?

end T/J

I want to thank you Queenie, for sharing your story and deepest personal thoughts, thank you, It sounds like things have been difficult for you but you have managed, and you have shown me how to take care of myself with prayer and focusing on God and God will for my life. I too can confess that God changes things, my heart is not as heavy as it was, and I see myself not being control by what my husbandi is doing.

I have received my divorce papers, and I did not cry or feel nervous about receiving them. There is a peace that I have that no mater what happens it will turn out for the good.

No weapons formed against me will prosper. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thank you Queenie for sharing the deepest parts of your journey.

I am beginning a new journey and that journey will always be with God.