Please tell your girls the truth. Lies or even "half-truths", witch are really lies, should not be an example you pass on to your girls.

When I left our home, spewing the same "I'm confused" crap, my wife helped lead me back to reality by telling all 5 of our children the truth. It led to my children asking a million questions, and in the process, I had to face the consequences of my choices. I couldn't hide. My wife removed herself from the position of having to lie for me. It was all on me, as it should be.

The only way his fantasy will end is for truth to smack him upside the head.

This isn't a game. This is your reality. He created it. And now you have to face the cold hard facts that if you delay in exposing this affair, your husband will be carried away even further into his fantasy land.

I'm sorry that you're here.

You have a couple people on your thread, MelodyLane, MicheleG, and FaithfulFollower, who helped my wife fight against my affair. They are experienced warrriors and will lead you in the right direction for your best chance at saving your marriage and saving your husband. They know Dr. H's plans well and have experienced your pain.

I am not offering an alternative to Dr. Harley's advice, just saying that not every situation is the same. I realize that I am the minority here in my way of thinking, but that doesn't mean that I am going against the teachings of Dr. Harley. But just because you all disagree with me that does not mean that you need to use a person's thread to tell me how wrong you think I am. It is not right to use their posts to try to tell someone else that their opinion is wrong. I am not saying I am right, I am only offering my opinion. I can only tell her how I think/feel.

Alison,again I must apologize, this tends to happen when ever I post. If you rather I stop posting to you, please feel free to say so. I will not take it personally. I wish you all the best, and I hope that you read all of the posts here carefully and take from them what can help you. I can only speak for myself and tell you my opinion. I know you can get through this! Stay Strong!

Please help this newcomer learn about Marriage Builders and stop disrupting this thread. Familiarize yourself with MB concepts before you post.

Thank you, Revera

Allison,

WH has to own his actions and deserves no protection from them. WH created this situation, not you or your girls.

As much as you expect honesty from your children, and will continue to into their teen years, they will expect truths from you.

Your girls need to know you respect them enough to tell them the truth.

This respect doesn't start at any magical age, and your girls are old enough to understand that dad has a girlfriend, and that this is wrong in M.

The people here can guide you with what to say, and how much to tell them.

Well, maybe you need to start your own thread again and start getting the help you need to actually save your marriage.

Until you've read Dr. H's books and actually worked his program in your own marriage, I would recommend you keep your posts on the EN forum.

This forum is an infidelity forum, and people are fighting for their marriages and their lives. I, for one, do not have the patience for people who have not worked the MB program giving advice on this infidelity board. It is personal to me GL. I actually consider it insulting that you think your "advice" or opinion is relevant to helping BS's here save their marriages.

Sorry for the T/J.

Hi, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have two children myself and I know the pain well.

I don't know how old your children are, but I wanted to tell you something from my situation that may or may not happen in your situation.

In the beginning, I didn't tell my kids. My little girl found out herself. I was shocked she would, I never would have thought it. And things she heard and saw got worse. With me, I will always believe it is better to tell children, in a way they will understand as children the truth of whats going on. My daughter and I are very open now about things regarding the affair, and it has helped her so much to talk about it instead of coming to her own conclusions. Sometimes children blame themselves and now my daughter knows this is not her fault and she knows to come to me when she hears or doesn't understand things she has heard.

**edit**

Let's get back to marriage building and allow the mods to do the moderating. Thanks, Revera

***edit***

SIHW,

Please stop disrupting this thread.

Thank you,

Maverick, MBDB Moderator

The soulmate thing.....

crappola in my humble opinion.


Anyway.


And tell the kids the truth. They know when you are lying. They pay attention to what's happening. In my experience, the best thing to do is not to go into long drawn out details with little ones - just answer the question at hand:



Kiddo: Mommy, where did I come from?
Mom: Well, mommy and daddy were in love, and then.........(two hours later............) the sperm and the egg (and then) You were born!

Kiddo: That's really interesting! I never knew all that! But I just meant, where did I come from - like, New York, Texas? Where?


Be sure you are answering what they are asking.

SB

It has to be exposed. You just need to make sure on the NC and expose like mad. Form your post your H doesn't seem ready to pack his bags for her. So get on and expose and nip it in the bud really quick.

Honesty is the only way forward. I told my 5 and 3 year old about my A. Explained what M meant, explained that you only have one "really special friend", explained that I had been unkind in neglecting them and daddy while I carried on in my A and that I was going to try my hardest to show them how a wife and mother should behave and that I am never going to see the OM anymore.

They knew OM and have accpeted why they never see him anymore - they didn't mention him for the first few months after I told them. Now occasionally they mention OM but only because my H has a new volleyball friend with the same name.

I've not been on for a couple of days - as my head is spinning. H came over at the weekend to see the kids and met us at the park. It was just like a normal family day out. I seem to swing from forgiving him and wanting this to work to then hating him and wishing he was out of my life forever. I have read His needs, her needs - is there something else I would be better reading. This book is great and I wish I had read it years ago but I need something for now. Either that or I need to re-read it in a more calm state.

Is this confusion normal?

I have told the girls - my wee one 6 has just told me that daddy has deleted the picture of the lady from his phone. She seems to think that will make it better.

My oldest daughter 10 seems to have accepted it - I told her that daddy loved another lady more but that he still loved her and her wee sister.

We live in Scotland so I think most of the posters here are in the States and she has nothing to do with the band mentioned previously.

The band that the girl plays for is aware of the situation along with our own minister and the church leadership team.

My MIL came back from holiday and over to visit the girls and I asked what H had said and she said nothing but she was just praying about it and leaving it in God's hands. Then she said that I didn't always listen to him - which was not what I was ready to hear and I told her that she should not be justifying what her son has done - I was sooo mad!

I really am convinced that there was no physical contact as they were living in different peoples houses and were always in a group. Our minister and his wife was there and the ministers wife noticed that they had struck up a friendship but had not realised to the extent.

This is such a mess.

Sorry if I have not absorbed the advice you have given already I will read it all again. Thanks once more for your support and whatever experiences you are all going through I hope it works out well for you.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That will help. You can get it from this site as it is authored by Dr Harley.

This confusion you are feeling is NORMAL. So very normal. Around here it's called the rollercoaster ride. One MOMENT you are ok and the next you are falling completely apart and the anger is spilling over. It's going to be like that for quite sometime so hold on.

Try the best that you can to stay as calm as you can when interacting with WH. It's hard, but a calm mind is a smart mind. You need to stay in control and your kids need stability.

Get the book and read read read this site. And reread my first post to you. Plan A is where you need to start. You will need to do both parts of it, the carrot and the stick. Each part NEEDS the other to work.

(((Alison))))

And Alison,
He's probably still in contact with her. That's also normal. WSs lie about that. If he had truly ended contact, he'd be back home.

You've got alot of work ahead and it's going to be very hard, but the people here will help you through this. Just stick to the plans.

All A's are the same. The WSs even SAY the same things. Once you understand the dynamics of A's you'll be able to get through this easier. Your H is no longer your H. He is a WH and you'll have to help him get out of that fog. He will try to justify his actions and he will rewrite your M history. So don't get uptight when he does this, let it roll off of your back. Don't engage in arguments. Nothing will come of it. And lastly, this is the time to work on your end of the R. Meaning...what complaints did he have throughout your M? What improvements can you make to yourself? What LB's(love busters) did you commit? Time to eliminate them.

Yup, lots of work.

So who have you exposed to at this point?

Allison,

Yes, as Michele has already said, what you are feeling IS normal. This roller coaster ride will yank you all over the emotional spectrum. That's why it's important to have a PLAN that you can focus on. I'm sure you can see how dangerous it would be to rely on your emotions for direction.

Your MIL's response is not surprising, and your response was brilliant.

I second Michele's suggestion to get SAA. That book will help you know what your plan should be.

You did good telling your children the truth. Now you can continue to be a person they can trust and count on. Be honest and age appropriate. Let them know that they can talk to you about this at any time, and you will be honest.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Allison}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry you are hurting.

You will get through this.