I have been reading this place forever (like years). My story is long and drawn out, but I'll give you the short version before asking for help:
Me: 39 FWH: 37
Married 5 yrs
So we had the fairytale marriage - totally into each other, I have 3 kids from previous that adore him, he adores. We are great friends with my exhubs and all share in rasing the kids. Travel and totally dig being together. We are kinda role reversed in that he is very touchy feely, mushy gushy and I am not....I'm the "I told ya I loved ya when I married ya and I'll let you know if I change my mind"
Sweet, huh?
2006: My oldest (was 16 at the time) had started a business and I emerged myself into that more than I should have...In Jun of '06 Hubs got a much deserved promotion that afforded him frequent business travel down south and he was rubbing elbows with high powered attorneys. By the end of summer of '06, things are strained, which was very obvious, because we had NEVER been like this and he said if I didn't pull my head outta my hiney, he was going to leave (Ok, while at the time I was flabbergasted he was blaming me, I see now he was waiving a red flag and I was too wrapped up in what was going on with my kid to worry about it). I know now that a "friendship" was in the very first stages of developing with a femail married attorney where he was working with. In Nov '06 I find a secret email, don't read it but confront him on it and it was a bunch of boggled bs, and just starts the crazy cycles again. My gut so told me something was going on.
Fast forward to Valentines '07. I was getting ready that morning and something was just pulling BADLY at my gut. He was in the shower, so I snooped in his bag (he was going south for 2 days on a business trip) and found a card with a cutesy phrase on the front that I didn't get - so I knew it wasn't for me. It was sealed so I put it back but I just KNEW I had to look to get to the bottom of it. It was a lovey dovey Vday card and it used pet names and said something about "I'm here face to face telling you I'll never leave you". OMG. I put it back and then came back in and said, "So what do you have planned for me for vday?" He said oh maybe dinner blah blah blah. Then I get in the shower and a few minutes he comes in and says, did you go through my stuff? I said yes, and I know it's not for me. He puts on his coat and says I'm not coming home. I said fine.
Ok..trying to cut this down. Over the next 2 days he says all the right stuff, comes home and we start counseling. He tells us both its over with the other person, but he really needs me to do stuff to make this work. He needs more from me (I really do understand this). Well, it's strained for a while and then I start knowing again that something is going on. Even our closest best friends notice that he is just out there and the stuff he's saying and doing is not the man we all know. I also know this affair isn't about sex as we have/had an awesome sex life. It wasn't even about attraction (I've seen the picture and know his tastes). It was all about the emotional needs that she was filling that I had failed to do. I KNOW this.
Mid-June he flat tells me during counseling (it was a Monday) that he can't do it any more and he's filing. I said fine. He files THE NEXT DAY and there is very limited contact during this time. No real exposure during any of the time.
I go dark - completely and honestly decide that I'm moving on...It's been a year of this crap and I don't even know this person anymore. He was living temp with our best friends so I know what he was doing (not going out and no travel) but I didn't hound as honestly, I didn't really care.
About 4 weeks later he calls me on a Saturday. My kids are at their dads and he asks if he can come over to talk. I said I have plans, but we can talk when I get home. He came home, truly broken, even offered to move to an apt if I needed more space/time. I said no, I need you here. So we spent the weekend doing this and that. Monday he traveled, but just to a neighboring town and was on the phone with me all the time. Tuesday morning he was in the shower and I looked at his phone. There was a text from OW that said "I can believe you meant what you said Friday and that you are doing this to me. I thought we were meant to be together. I can't believe you're doing this". So apparently he had totally broke it off BEFORE he came home. That's a good thing I suppose. So it gets fun from here. I show him it when he gets out of the shower and he's truly upset. We sit on the bedroom floor and I make him call her on speakerphone. It was VERY ugly, the calls went on for a bit and then I asked him to call his work VM - he hadn't checked them since Friday and there were about 9 from her from over the weekend until right after that phone call. They were VERY ugly and vile. So for the first time with open eyes, he saw what she really was. They were removed from each others cases - he forwarded me all the emails from work verifying this and he also forwarded me one from her saying never to contact her again etc. As far as I know that was it. I truly believe they have had no contact since July, 2007.
Well, we worked through all that, but I struggled contastly with trust. I had NEVER trusted anyone nor loved anyone like I did him. I gave him the one part of me I had never given to anyone, but I was willing to keep going, although it wasn't without many, many, many LB's.
If you're still reading, I really appreciate it.
Anyways, during that summer I become friends again with an old friend that had just moved back into town. We become inseparable - she really helped me with everything with hubs. Her hubby is in the Navy and was leaving in Aug. Her and her kids became close with us and did everything with us. She was flirty, clinging etc and I knew that both her and her H had affairs before, but I didn't think much of it.
Fast forward (again) to the end of Sept 08. Hubs and I again were drifting apart...I took his phone and found emails back and forth to someone and after reading enough, I realized it was her. His emails were all filled with wanting to be fulfilled and wanted the passion back blah blah blah. Hers were all sexual. It lasted all of 6 days and there was only a kiss shared between then (again, I read everything so I know this to be true). I confronted him and called her and said she had a day to let her hubby know or I would forward ALL the emails to him. Long story longer, she did as he contacted me and we all agreed no more contact ever - and none since that day.
I was just broke that day and didn't even cry. I told him that I just didn't care anymore and I was done and tired of it that I would never be able to trust him. He said he was tired of the empty lookings (in other people) and that he knew I was still the only person that could give him everything he needed if I would only allow myself to do it.
This is the thing. Again, I KNOW this is true. We are a perfect couple as far as complimenting each other in every dept. I am crazy about him in every way as I know he is about me. He is totally transparent to me in every way and he is very patient in taking my hatred that I spew every so often...
But I have myself SO closed up and turned off, that I just don't know if I can ever open myself again - and if I could - I wouldn't want anyone but him. I know he is the one that stepped out and made the mistakes. He is VERY remorseful and has gone above what I've asked to prove that to me. The weird thing is that I COMPLETELY get why he did what he did. I don't condone it, but I do really understand why.
Just this morning he's at a class and has communicated silly things all morning to me via text. I was sweeping the floor and thinking - woman, you have GOT to let yourself feel for this man. It was like I was talking myself into it....
All he has to do is mention something in passing that sets a trigger off (he did this morning) and I shut down again.
I know I have every right to feel this way...but at somepoint it has to stop. He's asked for forgiveness....why can't I give it?
Thanks for "listening". I value your insight and will wait to see what advice I can get.
p.s. He's asked several times for us to go to MC so I can get this all out - however, like I told him, after putting all the facts on the table, what MC in their right mind would tell me to stay???
