WH recently said the words "I'm sorry" during a phone conversation. I say "the words" since I know they are not heartfelt since he has left me and our kids, is living outright with OW and her kids in her house, and is pushing through the divorce.

He is making a conscious decision every single day to continue to commit adultery.

So....just curious....if/when he says "I'm sorry" again, which I foresee since he wants me to be his FRIEND and the divorce to be FRIENDLY and everyone to just MOVE ON and ACCEPT this and we all live happily ever after -- whatever!

Ideas as to how to best respond to these WORDS so I may practice.....Suggestions???

I would say: "Actions speak louder than words."

Mrs. W

He's used this on me before -- "I hear you clucking, Mr. Chicken."

Which means I hear you -- but that's it.

Depends on if you want to still try to recover...

Without going too overboard, how about:

"Yes you are sorry...a sorry excuse for a human being."

"Does saying that make you feel better so you can look in the mirror?"

Too much?

I have two ideas for you, and I used both at different times to respond to my FWH.

1-Say nothing. I just looked deep into his eyes trying to find him in there. No words necessary.

2-Ask, "Sorry for what?" in a sincere tone, not an acusatory or angry tone. Then just be quiet and wait for the answer. It'll either be sheer fog, or a sincere apology.

If you are convinced he is still foggy, I'd go with option #1. You don't HAVE to respond. You don't have to take every statement he makes and turn it into a conversation. You are not obligated to give him a reply.

I like those too.

HH if you are in Plan B why are you talking to WH?

My vote.

.... if WH responds:

"For everything that's happened" (most likely response based on previous waynerds)

He means he's sorry HE FEELS SO CRAPPY (again, most likely)

He probably does not mean he takes responsibility - but simply means he's sorry things are a mess (for him).

Well, it is important to understand that you can not talk you way out of situations that you act yourself into.
Period end of conversation.

Is his "sorry" a way of saying... "At this moment, I feel bad?"
...well so what and what is that supposed to mean to you?
What do you think he wants you to reply to that with?

--honestly. Waynerds.

Good question. I forgot that.

HH,why are you talking with WH?

If I heard an 'I'm sorry' I'd pause, then say "Oh, did you say something?" in the sweetest voice I could.

Why assume that if someone says sorry for everything that it's no sincere?

There are sins of commission, such as affairs, which one should be able to enumerate what the are sorry for.

But what about sins of omission. You see your spouse is hurt, so you must have hit some nerve, but you don't know what it is, so you simply say sorry for whatever hurt you.

There are times when I can tell my wife is upset and I've said I'm sorry for whatever I've done to upset you. I don't understand it or even know what it is, but it seems I need to apologize.

So am I trying to get out of trouble, or do I really want my wife to know that I'm sorry she's hurting.

Now I'd suggest asking what it is, so that one doesn't make the same mistake again.

However, I don't think one can assume a bad intent when a general apology is given.

I think that's part of love. If we treat every apology with suspicion, are we really loving that person? That doesn't mean we should just blindly trust them.

I do agree, we should look at actions. If a person says they are sorry for an affair, the best indicator they are sorry is they don't repeat the affair.

They may not disclose information on the betrayed party's timetable or with as much detail as they would like. But that's not a indicator of their remorse.

Not having a second affair is the best indicator they are sorry.

I think the best response is the one I've given my kids at times. I hear the words, now show me you are sorry by not doing that again. I will believe actions more than your words.

Notice I'm not discounting their words as they MAY be sincere. But I'm sending the clear expectation of what it will take to convince me.

I think it's important that one tell exactly what it will take to convince the other that they are really sorry. That takes away the temptation to keep raising the bar, to keep holding something against your spouse.

If my former wife would have ever said sorry about the affair, I would have responded with, "You can demonstrate you are sorry by first being 100% transparent with your time, your phone, e-mail and money so that I can learn to trust you again, and second you will answer my questions to the best of your ability knowing that lies and incomplete answers will only hinder my ability to learn to trust you again."

But I would never reject apology. It's not my place to judge the heart of another, and those imperfect words may be the first step to total repentance.

If I knocked them down, it's like knocking down a baby learning to walk simply because she's not doing it the right the first time.

I think you have to encourage the imperfect apology, rather than be critical of it.

The man is living with his OW. His actions clearly demonstrate a lack of remorse.

AND HH is in Plan B. There should be no apologies even HEARD right now, except by the intermediary.

EE, all your examples are great for a couple who is in recovery. She is dealing with an ACTIVE wayward, and "I'm sorry" is written in the script.

"I'm sorry" from an active wayward is no more than fog babble.

They may or may not be heartfelt. I don't think it's fruitful for her to reject them. (For one, she really cannot know, so she's engaging in a DJ.)

So I think she should accept them for what they most likely are, an imperfect first step.

I believe it's a fine line. If the apology is totally rejected, she may drive him away.

On the other extreme, if she puts full faith in it, she is set up for disappointment.

So I think she should take it for what it is, and nothing more, he said he was sorry, and it's not anywhere near an ideal apology.

Is that clear?

Don't reject, don't judge and certainly don't count on it. Just thank him for the words and give him clear messages how he can put some meat on those bones he just threw out there.

Why not just say I will believe you are sorry when you end the affair, commit to verifiable no contact and enter into a the marriage builders program with me.

While you may feel you are sorry, it's difficult for me to believe that at this time. Your apology will be much more credible when you do these things.

That you for recognizing that you do need to apologize, I sincerely hope your actions will match your words.

The thing here is you are not judging his apology, you are being open with him regarding why you have a hard time believing it.

You want openness and honesty from him, so you need to offer him the very same thing in a respectful fashion. I may not have all the words right, but the idea here is you thank him for recognizing that an apology is in order, and you deliver the message that you have difficulty accepting it's genuine and then you send the clear message regarding what will make it genuine to you.

Yes, BR, Plan B AND Plan D with first court date in May.

This was the first time we had talked in about a month. I will not take his calls normally, but I was doing yard work at the time and had the house phone. I had just hung up with a friend, and I really expected it to be her again saying she had forgotten something.

Ok - Ok - I screwed up. I should have said "I'm busy, gotta go, leave info. with intermediary, Bye" but I didn't.

That being said, he called regarding financial issues, which led to him saying he wanted to repair his relationship with our kids (boo-hoo), which lead to "I'm sorry." In my mind -- nothing I haven't heard before -- same song, second verse -- and "what is his motivation this time? Be on guard, HH."

Believe me -- I was business-like in my responses. I may have said "really?" in a sarcastic tone, but the bulk was "hummmmm" or "is that right?" No tears, no emotions, no whining from me.

I do not have plans to talk with him again. In fact, he's called several more times and I haven't answered.

But my question is for future reference. I'd like to know the reverse fog babble response or other responses to this statement when you know good and well the person DOES NOT MEAN it.

I just want to be prepared with a pat answer or "non answer."

How is HH driving him away? He's already living with OW and filed for D. He doesn't have much further to go.

Not trying to beat you up HH. I don't know if you are still hopeful to reconcile or not at this point. If you know he doesn't mean it when he says "I'm sorry" you can ignore it and get back to business of child related issues only or keep it simple with "Sorry for what?", "I wish I could believe you but your actions say otherwise" or a number of things to turn it back on him so he'll have to look at himself in the mirror.