Hello, I am new to the forum and looking for some feedback on my situation. My WH and I have been together for 11 years, married for nearly 7. We have two kids together. I found out about his affair in October of 2008...he went to stay with a family member and i exposed the A to all of our family/friends. All of them have been supportive of me, especially my IL. He was extremely furious at the time. Here we are now and he is fence sitting still. He will not give her up, but says he doesn't want to lose me either. I have read the books by Dr. Harley. He has read most of the website and started on the book. We both agree with Dr. Harley except he can't seem to give her up or move back home... We have even filled out the questionnaires. My WH has told me that he has to see change here at home before he can think about coming back. He says he realizes he has so much to work on but I need to fix some things first. Well since i cannot work on most of the EN's while he is involved in an A that leaves me with 2 he expects me to do. They are finding a job outside of home(financial support) and losing weight (attractiveness). He tells me he has to see an effort before he will want to come home. I have lost 40# since the affair began, but could use to lose 40 more. He agrees that we could fix the problems in our marriage, but he's not sure that he would be happy. He wants me to be the outgoing, full of life person I was when we were first together. I agree with doing what I need to do to fill his needs, but why should I be the only one to work on it? Isn't this something we should be working on together? He says now he can't seem to give either of us up, which brings me to my biggest LB, pushiness...but it is so hard when we are not on the same page. Any advice or thoughts on what I should do?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

It is not fair that the betrayed spouse should do all of the work, but that is usually how it starts out.

If you have been a SAHM and that was the agreement between the two of you, you may not want to get a job unless the OW is out of the picture. Otherwise it could hurt you in the event of a divorce. Check with an attorney in your state.

Losing weight for yourself is a good idea, but it sounds more like you have been on the infidelity diet. It's better to change your eating habits over time and also do some exercising daily.

If the OW is married, her husband needs to know. And if they work together, you need to let HR know about the affair.

Why are you no longer the outgoing, happy person you used to be? I understand because of the affair, but were there problems before that?

Hello, thanks for the reply...I work from home, it was agreed on as we could not afford child care at the time, losing weight in the beginning was the infidelity diet, but over the last 8 months i have changed my eating habits and excercising. In fact I have taken better care of myself since the affair than I did before I knew about it. I have been unhappy working at home, which led to him feeling I was no longer who I used to be. I am working on myself, and I feel really proud of what I've accomplished. I don't disagree with what tore us apart, I understand and that helps alot. But we can't put it back together until WH gives her up. I'm not sure how we overcome that obstacle. She is not married, never has been and has no children. They also do not work together, she lives clear across the state. In fact, he lived with her for a couple of months, and moved back out here to a relative's house, still visits her though. Do I just work on the EN's that he feels are missing and go to plan B in the meantime? I'm not sure what else to do??

I would say that you need to do a very solid Plan A for about 8 weeks. Fill him up with it.

Overwhelm him with a Plan A, and knock him out.

Then, go to a very DARK PLAN B.

Let her try to fill his needs from across the state. He came back for a reason - you - and he is cake-eating. Let him see your best you for a big push, and then take it away from him.

Work it good, though. Do not vary from the Plans once you have them in motion.

If Dr. Harley has it right - and he does - this nut will crack.

SB

If H is on the fence, push him off. Do you have info on OW to find out where her family is? I'd expose to them and any of her friends you can find. OW might think he is too much trouble to deal with.

Don't get a job until you find our how that affects you in the event of D. You might want to consult an attorney about that as well as find out what your rights are. You don't have to threaten D if your aren't ready to take that step, but if H knows you've consulted an attorney his head might start working it's way out of his rear.

I did expose to her family when I first found out in October, their reply to me was that she was a grown woman, there was nothing that they could do. I also contacted a couple of her friends who opted not to say anything to her. I have never met the girl so I don't know anyone else to contact that knows her.

All of our family is against it, especially all of his, but he will just ignore anyone that brings it up.

I am looking for a job, because its something I want for myself, as our kids are now going to be in school full time. But will consult one to see what they say!

If you want to work that's fine but just be aware that BH's motive for asking you to do so may be so he has to pay less support. You can always get a job later. My girlfriend is currently in the early stages of D and her H is trying to use her job against her for financial support as well as the child custody. Just be careful you don't unintentionally harm your position.

Thats a wonderful point, i never thought of it that way, thanks!

You can start on Plan A and not go to work just yet. Be sure you find out what that would mean as far as spousal and child-support.

How often do you see your husband?

Almost everyday now... i just found this site and the books a couple of weeks ago...I guess i need to start on one plan and stick to it. I do feel like most of this time has been him having his cake and eating it too. I will implement a plan A, it is so hard not to hit those LB's when he still talks to her everyday and goes to see her. But I will do the best I can. His top 3 EN's were RC, Financial support, and Physical Attractiveness. I have been working on the last two, but Recreation is kinda hard at the moment. Also my number one LB to him is being pushy. Obviously because of our situation, any suggestions?

Come here and vent to us when you feel like taking it out on him. Plan A is not easy, but the good news is that you only have to do it for a short time. You can even set a date in your mind, like June 15. It is vitally important to do a good Plan A, and then you can go to Plan B.

How did he manage to keep his job and live with her for a couple of months?

Do YOU see yourself as being "pushy"? or is this HIS reaction to you having expectations.
Sounds like he's got a classic case of wandering spouse-itis.

Sorry, I'm not to make a joke out of your situation, I know how hard what you are facing is. It also is hard to complete Plan A without biting your lips off.

First:
STD test- for your health.
Read this website
Post here for advice

Before you do any relationsip talk, I would read everything you can about plan A (and WHY plan A helps you and the M) People sometimes jump in and do a great PA- but forget the reason behing this system.

That is really what MB is. Probably the best system for a BS to regain and improve a M after a betrayal.

Good luck to you

Believer- He talked to his supervisor, and they let him work remotely for a short while, although i'm not sure what his reasoning was to them. They gave him several months to work so far away, so him coming back early was his decision. He has led her to believe that his boss told him to come back early though.
I know I will probably need to come to vent often, I think it is remarkable how many people have tried this and it gives me hope. It's so reassuring to have found a place where there are others that know exactly what I'm going through

Barbiecat- I know that I am pushy about some things, most often with my husband, as I am generally a pretty laid back person. But he is who knows me best, and unfortunately becoming too comfortable with him has let some terrible habits form. But I think that specifically what he is talking about is the A, its hard after 8 months of this not to expect some resolutions. Wandering spouse-itis...LOL i like that. I have been tested for STD's since the very beginning of this mess. From what I've heard about OW, I'd be an idiot not too I have been reading thru all of this, trying to soak it all in...There is so much great stuff here! Any advice on a great plan A would be greatly appreciated!

Hello I have a question about Plan A and cakewalking...

I exposed WH Affair 8 months ago when I found out. I exposed to his family, friends, and coworkers. I tried to expose to her family, they told me she was a grown woman who could do what she wanted. I tried to expose to the only two friends of her I know about, they would not talk to me.

My WH told me last week that he wasn't ready to give either of us up yet and not to push him to make a decision. What??? I found MB a couple of weeks ago, have read the website/books. I have decided to try Plan A before going dark. I am only about a week in. He had moved in with her across the state for Jan/Feb, then came back out her to stay at a relative's house. He said he missed us and wants to do the right thing. he was trying to distance himself. She was paying all of his expenses there and he continued to pay what he had here. But when he came back he continued to talk to her on the phone, and has gone back every 2 to 3 weeks to visit her. Obviously we cannot recover until she is out of the picture. He has admitted that she is like an addiction, but he just won't cut contact.

When he goes to see her, there are no family or friends to make him feel guilty. He knows noone else in the small town she lives in. His family, friends and coworkers all pressure him to leave her and save his marriage. So if they call when he is there, he just won't answer his phone. He avoids anyone who brings it up.

I have exposed, just recently started a fully committed Plan A, trying to meet his en's and avoid lb's. It does take so much patience doesn't it? What else can I do? I want him to remember how great it can be here, but absolutely feel like he is cake walking. Any suggestions on what else I can do during Plan A? Thanks so much!