One year ago, my husband was starting the EA that turned our lives into a horror show. Two weeks later he was declaring his love for TOW and a short three weeks after that he went to her hotel room and the PA began. So many ironies - I called in the middle of their first evening together. I called the first time she came over to his apt that he kept while he was deployed. When I visited, I joked about finding panties under his bed - joke was on me wasn't it?

4+ months after D-day, things seem to be better. We have moved. NC was established 19 July and seems to be in place. My H is mostly supportive. He is attentive and caring, but does seem to have many rationalizations for what happened. He did not think I loved him because I did not want to move to the city he was deployed to; the OW manipulated him; everything except that he made a series of selfish decisions that caused this nightmare.

Yesterday, he flew to our old city, picked up the car that had been in the accident 6 weeks ago and drove home. I should be grateful, but instead I focus on the idea that this is the car they went to lunch in and then stopped on the way back to work. I really did not miss the car when it was gone.

Many more days like this to get through - his birthday, the day he said he loved her, the day it turned PA, the day I intercepted the text message in the middle of the night, D-day. I am dreading all these days and am not sure this whole M recovery is worth the effort. Depression seems to be my new normal.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. The first year after is the hardest because at every turn there is a trigger. I found the 2nd year to be easier, still painful but not gut wrenching. Hugs.

This is starting to feel like recovey by the numbers. Six months after D-day and it has gone along just like everyone here said it would. Dave Carder has a chart from one of his books that shows as a rule of thumb the BS takes as long to recover as the affair lasted. Of course, in our case, there really was no recovery for the first 3 months after D-day because of the continued contact and the geographical distance between FWH and me.

Now I am feeling the anger and not much love for the FWH. He is doing and saying all the right things, but sometimes all I feel is disgust for his actions, his lies, his inability to ever tell the OW NO. However, even though I don't feel any love, I cannot imagine what my life would be like if he were not a part of it.

Now it seems as though he is re-writing the A, saying that he never really felt close to her, that he never really wanted her, that the sex was like a "command performance" and not intimate. He says he liked coming home to be with the family. However, his actions during the A speak differently. He wrote several passionate letters and when I dropped him off at the airport on Monday mornings, the first thing he did was call her and talk for an hour. Is re-writing the A as typical as re-writing the marriage?

Bottom line is this still really sucks.

AM

D-Day for me was June of this year. My H says the same thing about his ex-AP. He says that he never cared for her, the sex was passionless and not that good. He even says that he didn't like her. He says that he called her to hotel room when he traveled because he knew she would come and wouldn't ask any questions. He also says that she put witch craft on him but I'll save that story for Jerry Spring (LOL). He said that he was so glad to get home to me after traveling as well. He said that she would beg him to come visit him when he wasn't traveling and he told her that him and I spend all of our available time together and he would never take time a way from me (yeah right).

I am also at the indifferent stage. I don't want to divorce my H because I can't imagine life without him but sometimes I look at him and just want to throw up thinking about what he did with the OW. I use to love to watch my H get dressed in the mornings and see him without clothing. Now, when he prances around nude I just want to tell him to go sit down somewhere because I am so not interested in looking at him. I use to admire his strength so much, now I think about how weak he was for an ugly wh*re and I have hardly any respect for him. I hope this gets better because I really want to regain the respect and love I had for him.

My T says that I had too high expectations of him before and now I must find a middle ground.

Would you be willing to trade the car in for another? If you can afford to get rid of things you have that are painful reminders, get rid of them. I got rid of something as stupid as my toaster because I knew he was talking on the phone to OW when I sent FWH out to buy one. Things H bought me during this time went into the trash, were donated, or returned to the store if possible. Not that the absence of things is going to make me forget but it felt gross having those things in my home.

As for rewriting the history of the A, I can only guess that some do it because they see just how [censored] up there behavior was and want to minimize it as much as possible.

I purged most of the trigger objects long ago. If I find one now, I just trash it. I also trashed my journal, the phone records, copies of their emails and letters, things I had been keeping in case I decided later to divorce. But, I had started obsessively going through them. I still have the car, but it does not really make me trigger anymore. It had alot of damage after the interstate accident and somehow it does not feel like the same car. Since we moved, there are many less triggers. Even the number of silver Hondas (OW car) seems less here.

Interestingly, WH tried to make me think that he hung onto the boxers that OW gave him because he thought they were "funky" and not because he related them to her. I had pitched them and three other trash bags full of stuff at about D-day plus 3 weeks. He says now that he just does not think about this stuff. My comment was that these thoughts will come back.

We are now just starting to deal with the potential PTSD from his first deployment to Iraq. I knew things were bad during his deployment, but now is the first I am hearing some of the details. I don't know if any of this is related to the A or not. Certainly, many, many As occur without war being a factor. Not sure if it is in our case, or if H is looking for a way to rationalize/explain his behavior since it was so atypical.

AM

Another anti-versary today. A year ago, the OW arranged to stay at my H's apt for three days (Lied to OWH about going out of town for work). While they were at his place, I had gone on a ski trip with D14 and the scouts. H had shut his phone off (first time ever - he told me the OW asked him to, so he did. He pretty much did everything she asked except let her move in) and a woman on the trip with me gave me a really pitying look that I dismissed at the time.

This year, H and D14 are on a camping trip with the scouts and I am home alone. We had discussed this and agreed that he could go and that I would have a plan for the weekend. I had worried quite a bit about this and talked with my IC about what I would do this weekend. I am doing my plan and feel pretty good.

In fact, the odd thing is that I don't mind him being gone one bit. If fact, I am glad he is not here. I don't have to look at him or talk to him. My "lovebank" has been pretty much at zero for quite some time and I am really starting to think I might just be better off without him. Alot to consider. not really any questions here; not even a vent or rant.

AM

AM,

So, in a nutshell, you dont love him anymore ? What about him ? Was the marriage any better in the last few months, did it ever improve after the NC ? Do you and your husband have open and honest communication regularly ?

This is where I am right now. All of it.

FWH seemed to re-write his EA almost immediately. Says he never stopped loving me, never stopped wanting things to work, never stopped finding me beautiful. He also says that he would confide in her about how bad things were at home. How does it go from that to her sending a mostly-nude pic of herself and cyber sex? If he really felt those things about me, how could that even REMOTELY seem like something to do? Why wasn't he the one to read? Why wasn't he the one to seek out marriage counseling? Why wasn't he the one who found this site? Why that SKANK?! WTF?!

"So, in a nutshell, you dont love him anymore ? What about him ? Was the marriage any better in the last few months, did it ever improve after the NC ? Do you and your husband have open and honest communication regularly ?"

Good questions. I guess when someone says their love bank is hovering around zero, they are saying they are not in love. H and I talked about that last week. I feel as though I have been telling him what I need, and he tries a little bit for a little while and then goes back to doing things according to habit. I don't know if he loves me or not. Maybe not since comment above.

Did our marriage improve since NC? Not really, I guess so (take your pick) from my persepctive. Since D-day, it has pretty much been up and down, a couple steps forward, one or two backward. He has been NC since Jul and I guess has pretty much made it through withdrawal. Last week he mentioned that he stopped thinking about a "warm and fuzzy place" from/with OW last August or so. But he told me long before that that he did not miss her.

So, maybe the crux of this is the open and honest communication. How the heck would I even know if it is open and honest? Sometimes I think we have that kind of communication. Othertimes, he comments that he withholds information to protect me and to protect himself.

I had said near the beginning of this whole thing that I would not make any decisions until April 2010 (D-Day plus 2 years). In the meantime, I will give M my best shot. We are working on the MB home study course and Dr. Harley has a guarantee. So we'll either have our M or our $$ back.

Thanks for responding. It got me thinking.

AM

I couldn't sleep tonight so I was going through posts of BS who replied to me about six weeks ago. I'm sorry to see that since your reply to me--one which helped so much--that you find yourself so low. What has happened to get you to this point--other than the affair itself? My limited knowledge of your situation left me feeling hopeful for your recovery.

Your February words of encouragement to me were so needed. I pray that you will find peace and contentment.

Thank you, Goldenyears, for the positive words and prayers.

Nothing in particular has happened. Maybe it is just part of the rollercoaster of feelings. I guess my lovebank has been hovering around zero for a few months, bouncing in and out of positive and negative balances depending on what is going on that day.

We are close to the one year point for D-day and I am really dreading getting through the anti-versaries of D-day, my birthday three days after D-day, etc.

We went on a cruise last week. Like every other day, the days on the trip had their ups and downs, some good things and moments happened. But there were also some down times - mostly related to triggers such as music that was playing on the ship (how many times can Love Shack play? I really HATE that song)

I actually made it to 4:20 PM one afternoon without thinking of the A.

One thing that has made things difficult lately is that H has admitted to thinking about OW occasionally, wondering how she is doing, etc. He has said that he has not contacted her and I believe this. But this whole thing still really, really stinks.

AM

AM,
It's good to hear from you. I really was getting worried. I guess that hole in your love bank made by the A is still draining the account. (I told my own FWH this morning that he's doing a good job of making deposits in my bank, but that nasty old hole just barely keeps the level up.)

I'm not surprised that your FWH still thinks of the OW. I think they all do, but they deny it. Right now I'm doing all I can to make my FWH think of her as the villian I know her to be. Just like your H's OW, the OW in my H's life had a history of seduction--seduction so subtle that he was in over his head before he knew it.

Hopefully, when your FWH thinks of her, he hopes she is as satisfied with her life as he is.

Your posts do indeed keep me aware of what lies ahead of me.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you over the next few very difficult weeks.

OK, Goldenyears, this one is for you. I hope I can express what I am really thinking. Often, my brain goes so much faster than my fingers that things get left out.

A year ago, I discovered my husband's seven month long PA with an EA of a few more months. H really can't figure out when the EA started, but the entire A progression pretty much followed the wayward spouse script - co-workers who got too close. D-day plus three months, NC was established; H had self-reported the A to his boss, was investigated, punished and took an early retirement from the Army. We moved to another state and set about trying to recover our M.

Here are some things that I have learned over the last year. I am certainly not the first one to say any of them and this is just an expression of where I/we/the M are at this point in time.

1. There is no satisfactory answer to the question "why"? We have discussed all kinds of reasons, such as we were apart for 3 and 1/2 out of 5 years with military deployments; we thought we were supporting each other's needs - my H gained a great deal of admiration through his military career and he thought he was supporting my financial emotional needs by taking deployments and increasing our retirement funds. But, we never really talked about this and it turned out we were "holding the wrong ladders". But during our time apart, we were both in the same marriage and when other men "sounded me out for interest", I ran the other way and he had a drunken ONS and the EA/PA. This concept has been very difficult for H to figure out - why he acted so unlike himself, why he compromised his moral code, his military code of conduct and most importanly his marital vows.

2. I fully concur that BSs experience PTSD. I have never had a child die or been a victim of rape, so I can't compare to them. But I believe I have PTSD. One thing I learned about PTSD is that two people can have the same experience and one can be affected much more than the other. I have been reading here nearly every day since D-day plus 3 weeks; we have been in MC since D-day plus 4 days (that was before I knew that it really was not that effective until NC had been established. Actually, maybe that comment is it can be effective when the A ends, because I think MC was helpful in our case from the beginning when the PA had ended, but there still was contact); and I have been in IC for the past 5 months. We are currently working on the second module of the MB home course. I feel incredibly fortunate to have found these resources. I found this forum after reading SAA (I bought every infidelity book in our local bookstore - the man at the cash register gave me the saddest look.) Our counselors have been excellent, all Christian based.

3. The rollercoaster is a great analogy. The lows were really, really low and the highs were promising. But it has really, really slowed down in the past few months. Three days after D-day, I had a meltdown in the middle of a nail salon, leaving the middle without paying (I went there all the time so they weren't TOO worried about the $$, but it was really embarassing to go back in there). After about 5 weeks, I was driving down a narrow country road at 85 mph screaming as loud as I could. Fortunately, nothing was coming the other way and I am an otherwise good driver. I don't do any of those kinds of things anymore. I sleep better, I am calmer and the weight loss stopped at 24 pounds. The worst that happens now is that I get into a "funk". And these funks are not as deep and do not last as long as they used to.

4. The A is with me every day. There has not been one day that I have not given it some sort of thought. Once I made it to 4:20 PM. I really look forward to not having the A on my mind for 1 day, then 2 and then longer and longer. Maybe this will happen in the second year post D.

5. One thing that happened that I was really unprepared for was the challenge to my faith and spirituality. Before the A, there had been little in my life that required real faith. My spirituality was mostly on auto-pilot and I did not really think about it much. i retired from the Army while the A was ongoing and before D. At that time, my prayers were that God's plan be revealed to me and then came D-day. That certainly was not the answer I had been expecting. After the A, I found myself actually hoping that there was no afterlife and that when I died all the pain would die. I found myself jealous of people who had faith. I also had to deal with my thoughts about forgiveness, both giving and receiving it. At first, my prayers and the prayers of my H and me were desperate pleas for recovery and reconciliation. It has been difficult. Lately, it has been easier to pray thankfully. I am hopeful that in the end my faith will be stronger than ever.

H and I have been married for nearly 27 years. This is my second M, the first one ending after horrible infidelity. I had always said that I would divorce if I found out about an A. But it is not what we did. I am hopeful that our M will be a better one in the future. I know that requires constant attention and a great deal of work. I hope that we are up to it, can guard against complacency, and can restore our love and M.

AM

AM,
As you pointed out to me a couple of months ago, our stories are indeed similar--except for the military part. Your advice to me upon several occasions has been so on target that I feel a real kinship to you in this dysfunctional MB family. I hope that summarizing your story for me was in some way cathartic. I haven't yet decided if going back over the outline of my tragedy helps or hurts me. I do know that sometimes I talk to myself in the car about the events of the last four and a half months. You might remember from some of my earlier posts that no one except our MC, the OW, and the OWH know about the A; consequently, I have no one to talk to except my MB buddies. The one thing that you and others have convinced me of is that I have to be prepared for the many dips in my rollercoaster ride for the next few years. Steve H also told me that about 75% of the recovery (triggers, etc.) is done in the first couple of years with the last 25% stretched out thinly over the next few years. (At least that's what I think he said to me in my one phone session with him.)

I too have bought and read a stack of books about surviving infidelity. When did you begin the MB home course? Did you go to the MB Weekend?

You have such a level head, and it seems that your FWH is on the right track. I pray for the best for you.

Thanks Goldenyears,

I feel a kinship with your story as well. Certainly, we have both been married for a pretty long time and thought we had good marriages until the A. And even though there are several people who know about the A in our marriage, I really don't talk to them about it. I think it is sort of like asking someone how they are doing - the asker does not REALLY want to know and I think the people who do know about it don't want to talk about it anymore. In any case, I don't bring it up to them. I know they are all rooting for us though.

It is good to hear that stat about the triggers. I am definitely ready to be done with them. H and I talked quite a bit today and he is wondering just how long we are going to be talking about the A. I said that the A is now part of our history, just like other bad times we had with cancer, job problems, etc. They are always there and we talk about them sometimes, but not with the same frequency or intensity. He really had not understood my inability to just switch my thinking (I posted on Mark's trigger thread about this). Likewise, I have had quite a bit of difficulty in understanding why his tendency for conflict avoidance led him to continuing contact with OW when they were still working in the same office (everytime she asked to talk, he did - never could tell her no).

I am feeling pretty good today. And on the days, when I spin, it is not near as deep or for as long.

We started the home course about a month ago. Our MC suggested that we find a study course (either Biblical or secular) that we could work on together. We finished the first two modules. We went on a trip week before last and last week DS15 was still on spring break so we didn't work on it then. I think we will get back to it the next couple of days. We did not attend a weekend and I think that is ok. We have confidence in our counselors and really are able to talk to each other without having to wait to see MC.

Prayers always welcomed. Thanks for the encouraging post.

AM

Boy is this a great question:


My H had about a 1.5 year EA and the stuff he told her! With an EA conducted via email, the added (not) benefit is that I got to READ everything. So declarations of love, telling her things I would say and his response, THINGS I LIKED IN BED!!!, stuff about timelines about being together in the future. Yup, got to read all that. And then when I asked him later:

"those were just words on a computer screen"

"they came from my head, not my heart"

barf

Our House,

I am so sorry this happened to you. Maybe I was lucky. There were a few emails that he had not deleted from his sent box and one letter that he had in a gym bag and forgotten. The OW shredded the letters H wrote to her a few minutes before OWH arrived to search her office. Still, OWH took all the shreads of paper, straightened them out, pinned them to a board, took a photo and emailed it to me. When I think of OWH, this really saddens me. I deleted the email a few months ago. It was too painful to look at. Today, my H said he was so sorry that he had ever written anything to her and more importantly, he was sorry he started the A. He has been very remorseful and I have to take him at his word today. I think we are finally making R progress.

Yes, I think WSs re-write the A, just as they re-wrote the M.

Best wishes to you and your M.

AM

AM:

Unfortuantely, my H has not been as remorseful. He did write (a rather wimpy) NC letter though it took him a week and he initally told me he didn't want me to read it. I'm about 99% sure that NC has held since Oct '06 with the exception of one incident in Nov '06 but he told me about that.

He was intially very guilt-ridden and remorseful and he spent a lot of time answering questions. But between the "I don't knows" and "I don't remembers" and "it sounded good at the times" etc., I just feel I haven't gotten the entire story. Or maybe it's just me and I'm not cut out for recovery. I've still not moved past it and when I bring it up now, he gets angry and asks "am I going to have to live with this the rest of my life?" or "I'm never going to live this down, am I?"

Hang in there armymama.


My H is prior Army too. I know that the uniform does not make the man but for a very long time I had an ideal of what the uniform represented. Obviously soldiers are not exempt from fidelity and military life poses more threats due to deployments and stress involved, but I was deeply sadden that the man who would honorably defend his country and in essence protect total strangers, wouldn't protect his own wife and family. OW was in no way from his military days but I still have a hard time seeing him as honorable even back then. On top of that, I had a period of time where I questioned every deployment...did he cheat when he got deployed that time? Questioning your life to try and figure out where the lies start and end sucks.