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I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
It sounds like you have the right instincts going now.
Thinking aout you.
BC
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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GY, the last thing I want to ever do is to get in the way of your and H's recovery. I don't want to burden you so if you don't want to talk to me about this, I understand perfectly. Friends do not desert friends. I cried uncontrollably as I read your response--not for what could happen to me but for the pain you are going through. My eternal optimism regarding my husband and our recovery serves as my personal shield. I cry for you as I would one of my sisters. I am a doer, and I want to fix this for you or make it better; but all I can do is offer my shoulder and my support.
D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08
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Ah well, where I am this morning after that good night's sleep (Thank you, Lord). I have decided to basically write a plan B letter. If H decides he would like to come home, I will have a list of conditions to do that, including more intense therapy than just his PTSD group, consider anti-depressants if medically advisable, continue the transparency (I fould all this mess out from keylogger and reading his emails), commitment to the marriage, attendance at an MB weekend, etc. I will take some time to work on this this morning. If H decides he does not want to come home, I never want to see or talk to him again. I will ask that he identify an IM (one of his brothers or sisters or maybe my brother), he make a list of what things he wants and they arrange for him to get whatever it is. AM, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am thinking about your strategy and wanted to ask you what you think brought this on? What triggered his relapse? I suspect it is traveling alone. Dr. Harley calls traveling alone an "invitation to an affair." And weren't you separated due to deployment when this affair started? Is there a reason he traveled to his MIL's without you? Can you bring me up to speed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hello AM,
I've been where you are. I'm so sorry for you.
SMB
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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(((((((((((((((AM))))))))))))))))),
I am so completely sorry that you are dealing with this. And so far into R too. You already know this but Plan B is the way to go right now at least until you decide what you WANT to do. Take your time my friend......
Stay strong and know your MB'ers are behind you no matter what you choose to do...
You're in my thoughts and prayers sweetie.......
Not2fun
ps......your WH is a fool..... Total and complete fool
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((AM)) I am so sorry, reading this breaks my heart. Hang in there, my prayers are with you... 
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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ArmyMama,
Please know, I am praying for you... and that knothead H of yours too.
God Bless!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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While you ate writing that Plan B letter, take a page from SMB and raise that bar HIGH......YOU deserve so much better than this!!!  Not2dun
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AM, just so you know, I went through a similiar false recovery about 3 years ago. If I look back on my posts, I could sense something was wrong, just like you. I didn't think there was contact, but in fact, there was. It had rekindled.
My H's A did die after DDay 2, but still I was never able to trust again. Don't know if that will be an issue for you. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way...
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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He says he needs time to think about what he wants. Time he's had. I'd advise you not to offer him anything resembling a time line. In fact, it's TIME for plan B. Seriously, he's practically begging you to go plan B. "I need time to think." ~~~> TRANSLATION ~~~> "I'm thinking about leaving you for OW."Which is the best time to go plan B.
Last edited by Pepperband; 11/04/09 10:45 AM. Reason: spelling bagging to begging ... LOL
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Written by Believer - the original is on my "False Recovery" thread, which I bumped for you. Another point -
If we divorce, that's it.
I will not remain your best friend, fix your car, do your errands, or serve Thanksgiving dinner to you and the OP singing happy songs around the holiday table even for the sake of the children. Once you're gone, you are out of my life entirely except on a "need to know" basis about the kids' schedule, and preferably that can be done by e-mail.
If you walk out, then you you need to get a place for kids to visit you, since you will not be hanging around this house evenings and weekends, pretending to yourself that hanging around on a Saturday afternoon and mowing the lawn makes up for the fact you looked for a replacement for your spouse and found one.
You are either with her or you are not. There is no in-between: no e-mails, calls, lunches, dinners, coffee or kiss and grope sessions in parks or hotels or anyplace else with the OP.
A BS incredibly, mind-boggling callous that they actually believe a BS will step aside gracefully, will [censored] him occasionally for old times sakes (or to the female OW, she will expect to keep getting money and having car or household repairs done by BS.
The reason to say this stuff early is that most have the idea of going underground and keeping both.
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AM, stopping by to check in on you. If you want to talk let me know. My phone wires at night are always "burning".
I understand your feelings about starting over in our 50's. That is one of my biggest struggles. But we are not Methuselan and still have much life kicking in us.
Have you read "Love must be tough" by Dobson. It might fit well in your circumstance. It is based on the Plan B concept with Christian principles.
You and your family are in my prayers. These men don't understand the special life they could have if they embraced it.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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"I need space", "I need to think", "I love but am not in love with you" are ALL wayward fogspeak. I went through SEVERAL FR's and believe me, AM you do not want the PTSD I have from it. Go directly to plan B, I wish I had.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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AM,
I am so very sorry to hear about your H's relapse into waywardness. You've been through so much and worked hard so hard to find peace and healing. I can only imagine how devastating this must be. Know that I'm praying for strength and wisdom for you.
You seem to feel as though your H might be depressed. While I have no experience with depression arising from PTSD (aside from my own post d-day PTSD, of course), I have way too much experience dealing with depression arising from biological causes. Depression, ADHD and even autism are rampant in H's family. We missed the autism, but H and both kids suffer from depression and ADHD to varying degrees. It requires constant diligence to keep my H on an even keel. His moods fluctuate with the time of year and the resultant stress of those times. His moods also fluctuate depending upon how faithfully he takes his meds. A month ago he was really depressed and it was taking a toll on our M. I finally figured out that he had stopped taking his ADHD meds a month prior for stupid reasons. It turns out that those meds work with his anti-d's to keep his mood stabilized. Sure enough, after only a few days back on his meds, he was a new man.
How is depression connected to waywardness? Based on our experience, I've come to the conclusion that the high from wayward behavior provides partial relief from depression and holds the false hope of even more relief. If your H is indeed depressed, he may be attempting to self-medicate through renewing the A.
While my own inclination would be to kick H to the curb if he did anything like what your H has done, in your case, if your H is depressed and has never done anything other than group counseling, you might attempt to address the depression before going to Plan B. Anti-depressants will help, but they typically take 4-6 weeks to take full effect. To give quicker relief, doctors will sometimes prescribe ADHD meds like adderall to give temporary and fairly quick relief while waiting for the anti-d's to kick in. Then the patient is weaned off the ADHD meds.
I should warn you that there is a risk that too much seratonin and dopamine too quickly can trigger manic behavior (yes, I've experienced this too). Manic behavior is usually reckless behavior and can increase the chance that your H will act on his wayward feelings. If he does go manic, at first he'll seem charming and energetic, but then it will turn creepy, irrational and over the top. A reduction or cessation of the ADHD meds can put a stop to it. I'm not a doctor, so I'm not sure what the odds of mania are. I suspect the odds of mania are far smaller than the odds that your H will rekindle his A if he doesn't get help for his depression.
I'm fearful that if you immediately go to plan B, you'll greatly increase the chance that H and OW will reconnect. The alternative would be to insist on aggressive therapy for his depression and see what effect it has on his wayward mindset. It sounds like you might still have enough leverage to make that happen now before he rekindles the A. If you take this route, be aware that you will be driving the bus. Depressed people often don't know they're depressed. Their feelings seem completely real and valid. It's only after they come out of the depression and look back that they realize how the depression dictated their feelings. As the W, you're in a much better position to determine whether your H is depressed than he is.
Hang in there,
Bea
Me BW 48
FWH 49
D-days: too many to keep track of, but last one on 4/3/10
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AM, I don't think I've ever posted to you, but my heart physically lurched when I read your update. Someone else said it and it bears repeating, this is not about you or anything you've done, it's about him being broken.
You deserve so much better than this. Really. First because you are the innocent here and second because you took the chance and tried recovery with this man. I've been married 32 years and been to hell and back with my DH, so I kinda know what you're going through. For him to pull this now is infuriating.
I agree, go straight to Plan B and up the ante on any chance of future recovery. This is your life, not a game where he can play with your emotions based on his pick-of-the-day selfish whims.
((((AM))))
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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HI AM,
So sorry for your pain...I knew it all too well...
It is very possible he is "just" depressed. My XXW suffers with depression and it really is a cruel disease.
When she was depressed she would search for ANYTHING to "make her happy".... new clothes...new chair..new house....new husband (OM)... old husband back (me)....new old husband back (OM again)....ANYTHING..
And a few days weeks or months later(depending on how large the change she made was) she was back searching for that "Happiness Fix" again...
She moved out of state 2 years ago and was sooo happy... and now THINKS we should try again....she must need a another fix...
Although her's is cynical depression and something tells me your H's is situational... I agree with the above poster. It is (his depression) something to look in to....
It may be overcome with some simple meds and some IC...
If he doesn't agree to a least explore that... Plan "B" and set the bar HIGH... you deserve better and you've earned better....
GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank
It’s not the absence of trials that determines our happiness
Its the absence or presence of God
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AM,
My heart dropped when I saw the turn things have taken for you. I have enjoyed reading your suggestions and insights to other people, especially armywifie. Your input on these boards is invaluable. You are a treasure. And to see your goofball WH pull a stunt like this... GRR!
I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been well stated; I did want to drop in and give you a cyber hug though.
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AM,
Forgot that I have new email with new home.
**edit**
Last edited by Fireproof; 07/23/11 02:25 PM. Reason: removing email address
D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08
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I'm so sorry. All I can think is, go ahead and file the papers. Let him see how it feels to have your spouse not want you any more. I bet he comes running back when you do that.
Jerk.
Self-centered jerk.
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First, thanks so much for the support frim the MB family. Amazingly, I feel pretty good today. I have a plan and should we end up in divorce, I have supportive folks here as well as friends and family. I have an appt with my IC on Friday and feel good about that.
I will go back and answer the questions that some of the posts contain. Hopefully, I will be making sense.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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