Discovered my wife's 2-month affair 3 months ago, she moved out immediately, moved in with him a month later, and filed for divorce a week or so ago. I've tried everything I know to do (calmly loving unconditionally, leaving gifts, praying for her, reading this site and marriage books non-stop). I've remained committed to our marriage the whole time and am now beginning to waver. I almost fear her coming back now, but I feel I have to stick to my guns to some extent. How long do you stick it out when you aren't required to do so biblically, yet you've said you intend to, and may no longer want to?

Full disclosure: I ran into an ex recently (also going through a divorce) and we traded stories, laughed a lot, and agreed we didn't need to talk again during our situations. I know better than to start a relationship with her or anyone until some time after a divorce is final, but the interaction definitely gave me hope for life after divorce and probably made me a little more okay with my marriage ending than I might otherwise be. For that reason, we agreed not to talk anymore.

So, long story short, if I decide I don't care to save my marriage anymore, how hard do I need to continue fighting for it after all my big talk about commitment and unconditional love through her affair?

How long have you been M'd?

Any children involved?

0.000000000000000000000.....00000000 seconds

Okay my finger got tired

Just walk. You don't NEED to do anything.

Married 5 1/2 years. No kids.

She was my best friend and I thought we had a really good marriage. I was completely blind-sided by the affair and kept thinking she'd snap out of it. I still think she might some day, but I don't know if I care anymore after three months of cold-hearted infidelity and rebellion. Especially not when I see how much other relationships could offer down the road, what's the point in staying in a marriage I'm biblically released from? I feel like the only reasons to remain in it much longer are to be a man of my word (regarding all my commitment talk lately) and to satisfy some family and friends that desperately want to see a miracle happen here (as I did until recently).

Your only reason for staying is your pride.

I can try to add more zeros if you need them.

Well, as far as I see it, you've got two choices at the moment.

One: you could go to "Plan B". This is assuming that you want to restore your M, and you performed a good "Plan A" for as long as you could stand. "Plan B" basically means that you cut off all contact with your W, until she returns to the M under conditions you've set. Read more about "Plan A" and "Plan B" on this site, to determine if this is the right move for you.

Two: you could go to "Plan D" and D your WW. Recovery from an A in an M is HARD WORK, and really something I would not recommend unless (1) there are specific reasons why you believe it may be better to remain M'd (e.g. children involved, lots of years spent together, etc.), and (2) you can can really imagine a future M with your WW that's fulfilling to both of you.

My suggestion, considering you've been together only 5.5 years, there are no children involved, and she upped and dumped you after only a month or two (though I suspect that the A was quite likely much longer than that), is it may be in your best interests to walk away at this point.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000...MAN I'm tired...000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000..............

I think I've executed a good Plan A. There was one more gift I wanted to give her but did not finish before my feelings started dwindling. I've sort of gradually and subconsciously been instituting Plan B. Phone contact fizzled after a few weeks, but email and text remained semi-consistent...several times a week we would exchange several emails, etc.

Over the last 2 or 3 weeks, I've had very little new to say to her and haven't missed her much at all. When she emailed me a week and a half ago to tell me she filed, I waited 5 days to respond with a brief, but polite email. I also texted her on Easter to let her know our niece got baptized. That's about it for 2 or 3 weeks and I don't have any plans to contact her again any time soon.

Without talking to my ex, I'm curious to see if my desire for reconciliation and contact with my wife returns, but I kind of think it's about time for Plan B anyway. My conditions would be pretty tough for anyone short of fully committed to follow (quit job where she met him, phone bills are open books, cut off contact with him and all the friends that enabled and supported her through this, we move out of state, and I'll probably want to know where she is at all times for a while).

As far as option 2 goes, I could imagine a fulfilling future together a few weeks ago as we already overcame some issues with our pasts to have a great 5.5 years of marriage. Still, the longer she's gone and the more distance grows between us, the more difficult it would be for me to take her back.

Pretty sure the affair wasn't going on much more than 2 months unless they were incredibly sneaky. Their phone calls and text messages started almost 2 months before I found out. Unless they didn't contact each other by cell phone or he had a different number, I don't think it started much before the texting and calling started.

Thanks to both of you for your help. Any more advice would be welcome (from either of you or anyone else).

They work together? Have you exposed the A to her manager and HR?



What issues are you referring to? Any involve infidelity?



That could simply mean that their A reached the point where they couldn't care who stumbled upon the evidence; that your WW had reached the point that she'd already decided to choose the A over your M and wasn't really concerned about the consequences of being caught.

MIM & Piojitos are right!

Married 5 years, no kids! Why would you want to stay married?

BTW, next time you need someone to talk too, get a pet or a plant, not an exGF going thru a divorce.

They don't exactly work together, but that's where she ran into him and could very easily run into him again. It is a work-related relationship. I've considered exposing it to his boss, but not as much hers. I know it could get them in trouble, but I don't really see where that benefits me. Sure, a little vengence would feel good, but I can only see it pushing her away.

Past issues do not involve infidelity, but she was more promiscuous than I was as a teenager and in college (my biggest issue coming into the marriage--now the work-related affair is with an ex of hers that stumbled back into her life through work). She also had some abuse and one particularly bad decision of her own that she struggled to forgive herself for, but I see no need to go into that here. The main point is that I got over a physical relationship with this guy before, so while the context is different and far more hurtful now, at the end of the day, I thought I could get past it since at least it wasn't anyone new.

And you could be correct about the length of the affair. I don't know that it really matters if it was another month or two longer though. We appeared to be pretty happy up until a week or so before the texting and calling started, but it's probably neither here nor there.

Coolar,

Go to plan B, and give it another 3 months or so. The evaluate where you are and what you want to do. Stay faithful to her, work on your own issues, and see what happens. These affairs often end, and then you could get another chance...IF YOU WANT ONE.

That is the point. Plan B protects your love for her, that is it's main point, it removes you from the drama of things. However, it also allows the BS to get his/her feet under them again and permits more rational decisions. You may well decide that divorce is the best thing, and I and others would support that decision. But, give plan B a chance given that you have taken the trouble to go through plan A. Plan A often only plants seeds in the WS's mind. These seeds are rarely seen by the BS as they germinate and grow until the plant pops through. You don't know.

So go to plan B, give it another 3 months or so, and evaluate. THEN, make your decision.

Now she has filed and that means you may not get a chance to save this marriage no matter what you want. It depends on where you live.

So my recommendation is plan B, reevaluate, and then proceed with whatever decision you make. There is good news in all of this. One, you don't have children to consider. Two, as you say there is life after a divorce. Three, you will have a better understanding of your W no matter how this goes.

God Bless,

JL