Well...I've finally given up. After 25 years of marriage, I just can't trust him anymore. After purchasing yet another motorcycle, behind my back, which I HATE, getting HIS friends in the middle of our marriage (ganging up for me), I can't take it anymore. It is really a shame. We both have decent jobs, so I can support myself. I'm moving out next week, but, I'm doing it while he is at work. I can't talk to him. He NEVER considers my feelings, only his. He does seem to love my paycheck, but, I'm not sure how he is going to take splitting assets equal and whenever we try to talk it just gets heated. I feel I have to leave first, then, work out responsibility as he is going to have to take care of the mortgage on our home. He is somewhat irresponsible, and I don't want that burden to fall on me. I believe he is going to be somewhat shocked because after getting away with it for 25 years, I think he feels he can just do what he wants without ever considering me. I won't have a seperation of course because he won't know until that time. Has anyone here left under similar circumstances and how did it work out?

No, I haven't left like that, but if you plan on not making any mortgage payments, I would make sure that your name is not on the loan. If it is, then you need to give him the option of assuming the loan, refinancing under his name only, or that the house is sold. Do not be financially tied to a person you do not want to be tied to in other aspects of your life.

However, can you elaborate on what you hope to accomplish by moving out? It sounds a bit like you want to punish him, or get him to change through your actions. That won't work. If you need to set a boundary for yourself, for your own well-being, then do so. A grand manipulation plot will not help you, your H or your daughter to become better, happier people.

I am leaving because I can't take the hurt and disrespect anymore. I'm tired of doing without for his selfish needs. I absolutely hate motorcycles, and after buying the 3rd one behind my back, I can no longer deal with it. I lost 20 lbs the first time he did it, went through marriage counseling, then he sold it, bought the second one against my wishes and begging, another round of marriage counseling, then he sold it, and now he has done it again. I've lost 5 lbs since last friday when he brought it home. My stomoch is in knots, I can't concentrate at work, I just cry and cry, and I do believe he enjoys seeing me hurt. It is a way of control. I have to get out for my sanity. My children are grown, and, I can support myself. I have seen two attorneys who have both told me that it is not unreasonable to expect him to pay the mortgage since he will be living in the house. He will have to tighten up, but, I'm going to ask the court to order that it be deducted directly from his paycheck. I have my name on nothing else. But, I have to say I'm scared after 25 years. But, I was a single mother of a 4 year old when I married him, and self supporting. I don't need him to keep making decisions and forcing things down my throat. He has a mean streak and is very spiteful.

I posted the above in your other thread. I hope you give these questions some thought before you pull the trigger on a divorce.

I'll add one more question to this based on what you've wrote here. Is this really about the financial issue of the purchase as you indicated in your other thread or is this about the motorcycle? Would you have been happier if he had bought a classic car, an expensive TV or a boat? (just examples)

T

I would have agreed to anything but a motorcycle. I hate them. The more I hate them, the more he shoves it down my throat. I can no longer trust him. I am retiring in two years and trying so hard to prepare us. He'll never be able to retire. Not because of me, because of poor decisions. I have given up. I've been fighting this issue for three years and I just can't take it anymore.

But what have you done? What about a motorcycle angers you so? Do you fear for your H while he is on one or is it something else?

I fear motorcycles. When it come to the first one, all of his friends ganged up on me. Then one of their wives got into the middle of our marriage. He also bought it right after my father died when I asked him not to. He then sold it and sure enough, he wasn't satisfied, so he bought yet another when I begged him not to. The wife got into our marriage again. He sold it, said he was over it, he surprised me again a 3rd time. After two several months around of marriage counseling, I've given up on that. He is simply not the monster I've made him to me and just can't get it that it is wrong to make major purchases like this without agreeing. Motorcycle has become something I hate and I think it is because I feel threatened, and, the attitude that I'm going to do what I want whether you like it or not. It has become poision to our marriage. Basically, I can't live with it, and he can't live without it. The pissing contest has to end.

I also have to admit that I wanted another boat. We were suppose to be looking into that. I love to fish, crab, clam and the water. I even like to offshore fish. I love old cars. I drive a hot car, and like races, playing with 4-wheelers and stuff. I just HATE motorcycles because what he has done and how he did it, plus, am scared of them. I really believe he uses that because of control. He knows how I feel, and just can't leave it alone. I really believe he enjoys being able to hurt me.

Ok, thanks for the clarification.

When you talk to your H about the motorcycle(s) what does the conversation sound and look like? Have you ever managed to have a calm, productive conversation about it? What I'm getting at is you've said numerous times that you think your H buys the bikes specifically to hurt you and enjoys it. Has he said that? Have you asked?

T

We've almost never had a calm discussion about motorcycle. Ever since he did this, all I can do is cry and tell him how bad it has hurt me. Since deciding to seperate, we have for one of the first times since we been married have begun to talk rational to one another. I think he has finally learned that you don't get anywhere by constant slamming each other, continious critizm and accusations. Bottom line I guess is that I can trust him anymore. He told me again just this morning he couldn't promise when he sold this one he wouldn't do it again with something else. He doesn't get it that we need to agree on major purchases. And, motorcycle is not going to fullfill his life. But, it is destroying our marriage and I believe when you chose something material over that, it pretty much says he does not care about my feelings. Sadly, I can help him with just about anything else (toy wise), but, he has to choose the one that has caused so much pain and discontent in our lives. I have a small inheritance that I keep seperate.

What if you just let him have the motorcycle, just limited it to ONE motorcycle and limited his riding time. What would happen in your marriage then? What is it you are so afraid of with a motorcycle?

The motorcycle issue goes back to when he bought the first one behind my back. He did it right when my father died, got our daughter against me over it, his friends (who are not really friends) ganged up on me during a time of grief. Then he did it again last year. The whole time I was fighting depression and I have been on antidepressants for more than 20 years. I don't have good nerves. I've been hurt alot in my life. Motorcycle is something I hate so bad, and can't deal with it. Period. I've tried. I even went and got my license, and, all motorcycle does is bring back haunting memories and hurt. If I can trust him to not go out and keep buying things like that without me, I feel I just can't trust him. It is also hurting my goals for retirement. If I settled everything with him, I could afford to buy a nice place of my own and retire. Staying with him will be constant heartache. He'll never be able to retire at this rate, and what good is my retirement if I can't go anywhere or do anything because he has to work 6 days a week. I personally feel like he is willing to give up alot and he doesn't realize it. I can't even get him to go see a lawyer. He doesn't get it that I get half of everything and my inheritance is mine. He has no cash savings and his parents left him nothing. So, his assets are the equity in our home and his toys.

I'm blown away...you marriage means less than this motorcycle issue? Have you tried IC for your fear of motorcycles? It doesn't sound so much like it's fear as much as it's a reminder of something he did (going behind your back), buying a motorcycle against your wishes. It sounds like you both have a lot of control issues and a good counselor should be able to help you with that. It sounds like you've already decided on a divorce option, and I'm not here to talk you out of something you've already decided on, but I do think it'd be good for you to own up to why you're wanting a divorce and I think it has less to do with motorcycles and more to do with control issues. You sound unwilling for compromise and of course, having set that tone, he's also unwilling, so there you have it. Too bad you both can't put just as much effort into actually caring about each other.
Are you quite positive he can't get half the inheritance being as it came to you during your marriage? I have no idea, I'm just asking if a lawyer has already advised you that.
Having gone through a divorce myself, I can tell you that if your name is on the mortgage and he chooses not to make payments on it, you will BOTH have your credit affected, and not only that, the mortgage company can garnish your wages for the mortgage payment, regardless of what agreement is made between your husband and yourself and your lawyers. What happens in a default is the mort. co. comes after the parties and then it becomes a civil matter for you to recover from your husband. I say all this because my XH did a disappearing act on me, took $ out of the bank, quit his job, I didn't see it coming, and it cost me to the tune of over $50,000...I have a judgment that is basically worthless because he went into hiding and hasn't worked since. Usually it doesn't come to that, most people are more normal and upright with their dealings but in a divorces, surprises happen. Good luck with whatever you decide!

fiftygal, I don't know if you're still around, but the more I read your thread, the more convinced I am that your problems are because of you, not your husband. You say that you've had issues for 20-30 years. How do you think your husband feels having to deal with it? I'm sure he's probably more fed up with you than you are with him.

fiftygal,

I say let the man have his motorcycles. If you have some sort of motorcycle phobia then you should seek some professional help. What you are doing is known as a selfish demand. If he loves motorcycles why should he have to give them up just because you're afraid of them. Don't you want him to be happy? Don't you want him to to enjoy his life? It sounds like you're only thinking about your own feelings.

So you don't like what we had to say, so you don't come back? Don't post if you don't want to hear objective opinions. I'd give anything if my M would have worked out, and my (X)H had motorcycles. They're fun, give him a chance...if not give him my contact info.