HI Guys… I desperately need help with a situation that’s just way over my head…. I'm posting for my daughter 33 she has 2 sons 9 and 5 years old… Her H of 10 years is a crack addict…..and she is at her wits end…..After I get this going for her she will start posting herself…(hopefully)

This will be a little long but I want you guys to have all the pertinent information… it’s a real mess…. Drugs… abuse….affair (her’s) all the makings of a nightmare for my beautiful grandsons….

MY DD revealed to me that her H Is back doing crack. We (the family) have been battling this for the last 9 years…He would go to re-hab and straighten out and start again. The longest he’s been off the drug (that we know) has been 8 months…

And we found out for most of that time he was going to a methadone clinic. She has left him three times… the last time last year was for an OM…(of course she would not speak to me during that 4 month stretch because being a MB’er…I told her it was WRONG no matter WHAT she’d been through with her husband)

The affair ended when her H almost lost his life in a car accident. He was trapped under the car for two hours while they worked on him with the “Jaws of Life” I thank GOD every day that my grandsons and my daughter weren’t in the car with him… Not all of them could have survived.

He was in the hospital for a month and rehab for another six. Of course he did no drugs that time and for sometime after and we thought that this was a turning point in his life.. About a month after DD ended her affair DD took him back home… and things went well for about four months… They went to MC and unfortunately focused more on her affair than her H’s drug problem because…. he had been clean for a few months….and… he had turned to God and was baptized and was pretty convincing that he had changed.

She.. being still a little “foggy”.. and in withdrawal from OM was having a hard time uncovering the love she had for him AND still afraid to give him “her all” because she was afraid he’d go back to the drugs eventually which would crush her…. Was hot and cold towards her H.

So…. THIS is the reason he’s giving for (after lying for a month) his going back to drugs.. It of course is my DD’s fault because he’d been working so hard and got nothing back… (typical fix it fast…. Not fix it right syndrome)

So he’s out of the house again….she told him to see the boys he needed to take a drug test. He stalled for a couple of days and now wants to take one to PROVE he didn’t do drugs (after they are out of his system of course LOL)

She/ we want him to see the boys… they really miss him terribly and the oldest is mad at my DD because his father has always told him that it was HER fault he as out of the house….WE want them to see their father…but ONLY if it is safe for them.

So… I don’t know much about crack… and how to advise my DD to proceed… at this point of course… she wants a divorce…she has lost all respect for him and hope that it will ever get any better,,,,,she wants her boys safe and doesn’t want them around a “falling down drunk” father…

His mother and I are taking the boys all this week and then she and the boys are going out to Ohio to see family for a week… So that will be a good break for them,

So anyway… she needs advice on custody issues…in NH….like she should get full custody right? Joint would be a hard thing to feel comfortable about as she has found him DEAD asleep when she came home on MANY occasions..with the boys unsupervised.. (my oldest GS shot a gun in the house when he was “alone” with is 2 year old brother once!)

Thanks all… GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank
P.S. My DD will get mad when she reads this (sorry honey) but a VERY SMALL part of me (smaller by the minute pretty much gone but a scrap is there) still hopes he can beat this and they can stay together I pray that for the kids sake...But of course I don't want her with a falling down drunk H either... She wants advice about the crack right now not saving the marriage...We'll have to leave that to God..if it is his will it will happen no matter what...

I think drug addiction is beyond the scope of the board.

Your daughter needs to see a lawyer.

Your daughter needs heal herself. She can go to a counselor who specializes in drug addiction issues or attend 12-step meetings. Even Al-Anon or CoDA would do. I'm sure if she contacted a place like the United Way or even a woman's shelter, she'd be given access to resources.

She might find it helpful to read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

Your daughter should have your support, but there is no "we" in this. This is something your daughter has to deal with. She's married to a drug addict. She had an affair. Yes, it affects the whole family. But this isn't a "we" issue.

Neither you nor your daughter can "help" SIL get his head on straight. She should file for emergency custody, get a TRO with all kinds of limitations on visitation. For one, I would request that he be ordered to have only supervised visitation (at some kind of facility, not their home or yours) contingent on whether he passes a drug test each time.

Has he had any legal problems because of his drug use? Crack is supposedly very addicting and short of an intervention (by God or man) to get REAL help, he's not going to change.

PH,

Harley is VERY specific about this issue. If there is another addiction, there is no marriage building in the world that will help. Given that your daughter has also had an A, she has handed her drug addicted H the PERFEct excuse for his own failures. Given that there is a lot of data (9 YEARS WORTH), that he cannot kick this habit, I think she needs to be rid of him and as others have stated a TRO in place. The oldest may blame your daughter for his Dad being out of the house, but someone needs to set this young man straight and soon.

I don't see any hope given the long years of addiction and the fact that he is again addicted after going to rehab and yes even almost dying. Somethings are far more powerful than good words, good deeds, good intentions, and drugs is clearly one of those things.

Your grand sons do NOT need a drug addict in their lives.

God Bless,

JL

THANKS for the QUICK replies.. I had to leave after posting to pick up the boys and I tookm them to church with me tonight because DD was at work... He never even TRIED to see them.... Just texed DD to have them call him....He hasn't seen them for 4 days now...



inrecoverynow
Thanks I will have her find that book.. I know it’s not a “we” issue… she will have me for support in this issue… I of course couldn’t support the A….and that put a strain on our relationship…..



princessmeggy Thanks,,,
Yes that’s a good idea SV NOT in her or my home… I don’t want the pressure of making him take a test every time…. He was recently baptized so I really thought this was a turning point for him… It’s in God’s hands and he can do ANYTHING… but this looks pretty hopeless…


JL…

Thanks old friend… This is my main concern and I'm not sure how to say what needs to be said to him...I will have to talk to him along with my DD because her H has been teaching him to "cover" for him a LONG time.. and he's convinced him that his mother is at fault for the problems they have had...

He and I are extremely close...I spent more time with him than his father when he was between 1yr and 3 years old.... I mean he was "around" but he wasn't "there" if you know what I mean....

And the 5 year old.... how much should he know and how should he be told?

Yes.. my grandson's DON'T need a drug addict in their lives....nor do they deserve it.. they are great kids and deserve MUCH more... He hasn't even taught them how to catch a baseball.... so selfish....so sad.... And my D deserves much more...at least now she knows it too....He beat her down pretty badly over the years...

GOoD Luck and Prayers.. Frank

My best friend had to adopt her sister's baby - which she had in prison, after going in for drugs for the 3rd time. After the first time, she lost her first 2 kids, as her then-husband divorced her and filed for whatever it took for her to lose her rights.

IMO, no one will stop drugs until they completely change lives, location, and circumstances.

I just don't see a good ending with him there. Now, if she gets him out of their lives, he MAY come to realize what he's losing and do the hard work. But it will never happen if she doesn't take it all away from him first. That's why they call it Tough Love.

Oh, and ask her to look into some therapy for her sons about what's happened. If oldest is mad at his mom now, it will only get worse - and he will take it underground soon, so it will be too late to reach him.

Frank {{{hugs}}}},
I know the despair of drug addiction. My 1st husband (deceased), I met when I was 19. I did not know at the time that he was on one of his clean streaks. I was clueless. He swept me off of my feet and we got engaged within a year. All of a sudden about 6 months before the wedding, he started disappearing, not showing up to pick me up, not going to work.
Stupid me thought it was another woman. It was worse. It was the Big H - heroin. Found out later he had problems on and off for about 7 years. Me -- thought I could save him. He went to rehab, we walked down the aisle in a huge church wedding and thought we would ride off into the sunset.

Can't or don't remember all the times he went to rehab. I did not understand the disease and how it consumes. I remember one year when we went to do taxes and he had 7 -- yes 7 W2 forms. Some of the jobs lasted a week, some a few months -- all lost because of the addiction.

We had our daughter and at this point I was married to him about 5 years. I left him when she was 2 1/2 months because he was robbing and stealing me and everyone around him blind.

He cleaned up again and did well for a couple of years and then boom jumped back on the horse again. I left him for good when daughter was 2 1/2 years.

Like your son-in-law when they are off drugs they are great guys. Caring, loving, and family men. When they are on the drugs there is NOTHING you can do. Take my word for it -- I tried EVERYTHING. He did church, rehab, methadone, moved towns, but he always slipped back into that life. Drugs are satan's playground. Once people slip into this life few survive.

He died at 46 from they said lung cancer. I am not surprised that the drugs did not kill him sooner. My daughter was raised by WH and D only saw her father after he got sick and had relationship with him for the last few months of his life. She was 15 when he died. The sad part was that he truly loved us but loved the drug more. He died as a poor pathetic man who gave up everything to stick a needle in his arm. I cried the day he died for the live I had hoped he would embrace. I didn't hate him, I pitied him.

Frank I know I am painting a bleak picture and I want to tell you that crack addiction is worse than heroin. It is the hardest one to kick. The success rate is very low. I just want you to know how this is like cancer and it just spreads and eats you alive and everyone around you.

What can you do? Read everything that you can about the addiction. Have your DD go to Alnon (many people are there with drug addicted family members - not just for alcohol). And of course pray, pray, pray. Turn this over to God because He is the only one who could save him.

Your grandkids may never have a relationship with their Dad. But they have YOU. My Dad did all the stuff that my daughter's father could not till WH came into the picture. Continue to build those strong ties with your grandchildren.
Because of their father's addiction, I believe that your grandchildren might have more of a chance to succumb to drugs also. Talk to them, warn them, hug them, love them. I made my DD very aware of the dangers of drugs. She saw what it did to her father and she steered clear of them because she was worried she would have that addictive personality also.

If you want to talk more you know where you can reach me. Hugs to your DD and I will pray for your family. take care.

Hi Cat… thanks for the help…. I’m AMAZED at what they will do to get that drug….it’s beyond my scope of understanding… (Thanks to God for that!!)



HI Hope.. ..That is what I’m afraid of NOW.. and have been afraid of for her and he boys for a long time…. It’s hard being a Christian (and having an MB background LOL) to advise someone you love to “give up” on a marriage….First off I didn’t know until about a year ago how bad things were for them…..and her H is a DANGEROUS drug addict.. he’s a FUNTIONAL one….so I saw him working hard… providing them all the things a father/Papa wants for his family….. they SEEMED happy… even “perfect” at times… but something didn’t “feel” right…and when I asked… I was told everything was fine…even felt embarrassed I had “meddled” with my Colombo-like mind..

And… God hates divorce right… and MB says MOST marriages can be saved with the “right tools” (not all but most) and two willing spouses……and after him almost DYING I had a lot of hope that he would change THIS time… and he found God….But…drugs ARE the enemy’s tool…. and God can beat this….ONLY he can now…… and GOd knows his heart better than all of us…. So maybe….God won’t because of that…because he knows his heart….he is being disciplined…. And the DD and the boys don’t need to be caught up in that….

I left him a voice mail confirming what DD said NO DRUG TEST… NO SEEA THE KIDSA…..Plain English….. also that we aren’t mad at him.. this isn’t a punishment…WE aren’t keeping the kids from him… his choice to do drugs is keeping the kids from him…. Etc… etc…..


And the last thing I said was… that if he didn’t change… his sons would someday look at him the same way he and his brother look at his “real” father…like he’s an embarrassment….and I said…When they are older…. The light in their eyes for you when they first see you will be gone…it will be replaced with either pity or shame….. I don’t think you want that.so DO THE RIGHT THING!! .

GOoD luck and Prayrs... Frank

Frank, I am a addict/alcoholic.

I HATE THIS DISEASE....

I'm sorry your DD and grandson's are subjected to our selfish desires and destructive ways. I have no advice, just care and concern and offering my prayers.

I HATE THIS DISEASE.....

Frank, good you told him about taking drug test. You have to worry about the grandkids first.

It is a tough disease. I do not usually bring up that past life and all the heartache but I want you to understand how crack is so life threatening. It takes all. Need to put on your "shield of armor" and stay strong.

God Bless

Do you know about Teen Challenge? It's not only for teens but adults as well.

No... what is it?

It was founded by David Wilkerson, the author of the Cross and The Switchblade. They're all over the country. Our pastor, Steve Hill (who was the evangelist at the Brownsville Revival in Pennsacola met his wife there). He was a former drug addict and headed for prison. They do good work.

Here's their link.