For those of you in a long-term recovery...

How did you deal with the d-day date each year? And what is it like now and why?

Yes, obviously, my D-day anniversary is approaching. Two years ago this Friday my entire world was shattered. Two years ago this Saturday, I found MB and many friends.

Don't you mean, "antiversary"?

D day December 26 ... "boxing day".

It is also the day of my husband's sobriety. (jeezzz what a coink-y-dink ! )

We celebrate his sobriety birthday and forget about the other.

SMB:

As I have stated around here before, Flamingo and I celebrate DDay. It marked the end of something horrible and the start of something new.

We don't celebrate our wedding anniversary, however.

And this is Flamingo's wishes.

Something to consider.

LG

Not a long timer but the first Dday passed like most other days...thought about the A no more than usual. Tried to keep busy hoping it would pass without much incident. Maybe start making plans to keep busy that day or the day before and the day of.

Thats really odd. I just realized that D-day was never meaningful to me. That is likely because it paled in comparison to other D-Days I was dealing with at the time. It never had meaning to me.

Well, it was April 9,10,11 or 12 of 1999. I never remember it unless I've been lurking around here prior to the day.

Mel,
I'm glad you wrote that because I don't consider myself a long-timer but DDay two years ago has no meaning to me today. I think it's because I don't want the day to have a hold on me. By not paying attention to it I've released it to the nothingness that it is now.

GG

LG, I think it is wonderful that you and Flamingo created your own "design" on this. I appreciate your perspective. And as you said, it was Flamingo's wishes, so I assume that you were taking the approach of wanting to do whatever would help her when it came to D-day anniversaries.

And I know that tst would do whatever my wishes were. I'm just not sure how to deal with this date, but I'm sure tst would appreciate some guidance from me.

For me, D-day in no way signifies the end of something horrible, as our 19 years together had been pretty darn good. It WAS the end of something special for me. We have both talked about this many times when the topic about the old marriage dying comes up here. Neither one of us wants to bury our old marriage, just the 9 months of darkness during the affair.

It'd be nice if this date would pass by unnoticed, and I've seen some here say it does for them. I'm just not sure I will ever get to that point. November 11, 1997, is the date we lost our baby. It has never gone by unnoticed to me in 11 years. So my record on forgetting dates isn't so good.

So I was wondering about those whose D-day dates pass by with no remembrance...was it always like that, or did you over the years gradually reach the point of "forgetfulness"?

I'm brainstorming here mostly, considering creative options that you wise folks may have found for yourselves (like LG).

I suspect you are referring to your son? I'm not sure of the timing of it all for you, but that certainly could cloud the days.

Year 1 Oct 2004 - noted by both of us and commented on
Year 2 Oct 2005 - noted by both of us and commented on
Year 3 Oct 2006 - I am sure we both noted it but didn't comment
Year 4 Oct 2007 - I am sure we both noted it but didn't comment
Year 5 Oct 2008 - I am sure we both noted it but didn't comment

I'll always remember Oct 22 as d-day and I'm sure my (B)H will too.

It is our 35th wedding anniversary this year and that will definitely be noted and commented on!

I confess, the 1 year mark was tough for me. I crashed into darkness. We've healed so much since then.

I have a very busy day Friday.

Lunch date with one of my sons.
Setting up for a big homeschool performing arts spring program in the afternoon.
And the big program in the evening...3 of my kids are in dramas, one is part of a "Stomp" kind of rhythm thing, and I taught 12 young dancers a beautiful worship dance that they will perform.

Busy day. No time for crashing.

Thanks, Jen.

tst remembers dates as well as I do...he's even remembered our 1st-date anniversary every year for 25 years. He's remembered when I haven't.

He asked me recently what I would like to do for our 25th wedding anniversary. We just celebrated 21 years last month. I'd take suggestions on that, too. I have no idea where to go and what to do. OK...I do have an idea or two about what to do.

We've never made a big deal of it - we usually don't think about it til after the fact, if at all...If it does come up, we usually cite how glad we are to be getting farther and farther away from that time...Now that you mention it, this month will mean that we are four years out...The view from this side is excellent...

Mrs. W

I don't remember D-Day specifically, never did. I had so much going on at that time. I remember the time frame generally if I try, but for the last couple of years, it hasn't even popped up on my radar (much to my DH's relief!) There have been too many good memories that have replaced it during that same time frame.

I don't put any significance upon the date that I confirmed and confronted Mrs. W on HER rebellion to God. Sure the first year it was noted but after that...not really.

IMO, to hold onto that date and not be hypocritical there would have to be a lot of other dates to remember whereupon I was myself rebellious. Like 1985 to 1993...the college years.

Besides...it's Mrs. W's date. She didn't have the affair AT me. She did it to herself. Just as I am responsible to myself and God for every rebellious act I undertook over the years. Consequences are a beach.

Now, after 4 years...it's all kinda in the same file as stuff/sin that we each did (separately and/or when we were together) pre-marriage. WE are in a much much better marriage now, a marriage we both always wanted...in spite of her affair...not because of it.

Mr. W

Mine was on Christmas so I don't think I will ever be able to forget that....

smb,

My wife and I talked about this on the 27th anniversary of the day we first met, back in mid-February.

Our 25th wedding anniversary is next year, and we always knew we would renew our vows on that day. With all that's happened, doing this seems more appropriate and more significant than ever. Words cannot express how much I am looking forward to it.

Just a thought.

SMB,

Actually the date for me is approaching and I hadn't realized it. So there you go.



MrW, This makes some sense to me. I may have to adopt it.

Mr. W, did you make a conscious choice to not allow this date to become significant, or after the first year, did it just become insignificant?

I don't really want this date to have significance over the long haul. I was hoping that I would hear from some that, yes, the date was markedly remembered in their mind for the first few years, but as the years passed, it just became irrelevant. Like, you forget to remember.





Good points, and I agree with both. But it is hard to keep my focus sometimes that the affair wasn't AT me or ABOUT me or BECAUSE of me. My head knows better; my heart is trying to catch up.