Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
I know better than to start a relationship right now. That isn't my question. My question is how hard to fight for my marriage once I see that there is life after divorce.

I've tried desperately to save my marriage in the 3 months since I discovered my wife's affair. My wife has been seeing another guy for 5 months, left 3 months ago, and moved in with him a month or two ago. I've been preaching unconditional love, forgiveness, etc. the whole time, but she has shown no interest in reconciliation (said she filed over a week ago).

Definitely not looking to start a relationship with anyone (in fact, we agreed not to talk anymore once we traded stories of our respective failing marriages), but my resolve to fight for my marriage to the bitter end is severely weakened. With a free lawyer that assures me I can drag it out for two years and give her every opportunity to come back, I feel I have to stick to my guns to some extent, but at what point am I justified in giving up? Further down the road, at what point am I justified in pursuing a relationship with someone else? Obviously not until divorce is final, but I can apparently make that come almost as quickly or as slowly as I like. Please help!!!

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 79
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 79
I fought long and hard to keep my marriage to #2 alive, but I found out once the woman has made up their mind that it is over, then it is truly over. It is hard to want to let go, even harder to want to trust anyone again. I've been told lots of advice on here, some useful others not so useful, so it really comes up to you and how long you want to suffer with a dying marriage verses a lonely existance till you feel ready to look for someone else. Starting a new relationship with anyone is going to be hard, especially if your so hurt you to the core. Counseling will help and if you can find a place to volenteer do that, I found it helped me some. Most of all do not get into the point where you feel you need someone so your not alone...I did this and that lead to 2 failed marriages and a question as to if I was ment to be alone or not.


Once was happy, once had a family, once was married...now just alone and miserable.
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 7,298
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 7,298
It's up to you. Dr. Harley himself said infidelity would probably be the dealbreaker for his marriage. However, if you choose to fight for your marriage, MB concepts can definitely help. Read up on Plans A and B. You will want to post in the Infidelity Section as well.

You mentioned unconditional love. You will learn here that romantic love is conditional. Although your W's decision to have an affair is entirely her responsibility, you are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage. What do you believe her unmet emotional needs were?


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Assuming you still want your marriage back, have you exposed her affair to her family and friends? His family and friends? That is your first step. The affair will almost never end unless you tell everyone what she's doing to you. Not for revenge, but to get them all to help you hold her accountable. Once everyone knows (THROUGH YOU, NOT HER!), it's not as much fun for her, and most affairs will die.

The second step is to refuse to discuss divorce. If she wants one, make her fight for it every step of the way. The affair will probably end before you end up in court - IF you expose.

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
Thanks for the advice. One thing I just realized I did not make clear in my initial post was something I alluded to in the last paragraph. All the stuff about "trading stories about our failing marriages" was not about my wife. I thought I had mentioned earlier in the post that I recently crossed paths with an ex-girlfriend that is also going through a divorce with a cheating spouse. Anyway, the point of that paragraph was that we traded stories, caught up on each other's lives, and agreed not to talk anymore so as not to influence each other's decisions. The conversations with her (a very Godly woman, unlike my wife at the moment) at the very least helped me realize there could be a happy life for me if my wife never comes back...not necessarily with the ex, but who knows. Like I said, I'm definitely NOT looking to start a relationship any time soon, but my resolve to lure my cheating wife back was definitely weakened. So, the bigger question is how long should I drag out the divorce process now that I'm not sure I want my wife back and how long is a responsible amount of time to heal before considering new relationships?

To your responses: most of my family and our friends know what she's doing and she appears to have written them all off without much remorse. I haven't told her family or friends (she didn't have many friends that weren't my friends first anyway, but I suppose I could hunt down a couple of her old friends). I guess I'm just not clear on what I hope to come of this anymore and I feel I need some clarity on that and my motives before exposing to her parents (whom she says she was honest with, but I know for a fact there are details she left out even if she told them any of it). If I expose and she comes back and I don't want her back anymore, am I really any better off? At the same time, I want a clear conscience at the end of this. I want to know that I did everything I could to save our marriage.

Any more thoughts?

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Read up here about exposing. It's an alien concept but very very appropriate with affairs. It has several points, but the first main one is to stop the affair, if you're trying to regain your marriage. Because once everyone knows you're doing the slimy disgusting affair act, suddenly no one treats you the same. And it's no longer fun, exciting, titillating - it's nasty, disgusting and slimy and everyone who once loved and admired you now looks at you like you're a 3-headed monster. It stops the affair.

The second point is if you have kids, you have to tell them so that they don't pick up from the WS that affairs are all right. You HAVE to teach them morals, if your WS isn't going to. You owe it to the kids.

The third point is to let the OM's wife/family know so that they have the opportunity to do something about it from their end. Whether they do or not is their business, but it's your moral responsibility to let them know.

The fourth point is to help your WS. If her parents know what she is doing, they may (or may not) confront her and slap some sense into her (not literally, lol). That is their job! If you had a son or daughter doing this to their spouse, would you not want to know, and would you not go to your child and say WTH are you doing? Of course you would. Give her parents the opportunity to do the right thing by telling them.

Please please ask the mods to move your thread over to Infidelity/General Questions so you can get better (and more) advice than you'll get here.

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
Thanks for the advice. I actually have threads in the other sections seeking advice of this kind. I intended this thread to be more about how long I need to drag out the divorce and how long I need to wait before moving into new relationships (if I decide I've had enough and don't want to save the marriage anymore). Any thoughts on that would be greatly appreciated. The first paragraph in my last post in this thread gives a little better background on what's going on in my head relationship-wise. Thanks again.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Oh, ok. Well, then, most people advise not getting into ANY kind of relationship with the opposite sex for at least a year. Why? Because you most likely have never spent much time on your own, NOT looking for a mate. You (we all) need time to focus on yourself. Learn yourself. Like yourself. Improve yourself. Study what went wrong with this marriage so you don't repeat it. Acknowledge what part YOU played, run it through in your heads so you'll find some lessons learned.

You'll be so busy with this you won't have time to be lonely.

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,638
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,638
I'm going to agree that a year is a good minimum period of time, but for a different reason... For me, I needed to get through the important calendar dates on my own. I found that I spent a lot of time and emotional energy recalling and reflecting on the memories of my M on those dates; b-days, Christmas, anniversaries, etc... Put a year in there where you can establish some memories alone during those events.

I didn't want to be celebrating an event with a new SO, while remembering and recalling the last one with the XW.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
That's a great point, sb!

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
So a year between relationships, but that raises a new question: When does this year start? Assuming she never comes back, is that a year from the day she left, a year from the day she filed, or a year from the day the divorce is final? I lean towards a year from the day she left.

Also, still wondering how long I should drag out the divorce process. If I'm still not sure if I want to save the marriage or not, how much should I try to slow down the process? My lawyer (who is handling my case for free) insists he can drag it out for two years if I want. That just seems like a long time to put up with an affair...

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Honestly? I wouldn't be wasting any of my efforts or time on anything right now except exposing.

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,638
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,638
It seems to me, cool, that you have two entirely separate things to consider.

FIRST - Decide if you're going to fight for your M. I'm not saying you should. That's up to you. Do NOT make the choice predicated on any possible future relationships!

This is important, so I want to make sure that you understand. As I reread your post, it appears that you've become a little less interested in trying to win back your wife since the prospect of finding someone else has appeared on the horizon.

This is a fundamentally poor process for making a decision. Choose to fight for your M or not. -THEN- give yourself a time frame for pursuing a new relationship, based on how long you think it will take for you to finalize your divorce, heal and recover, etc...

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
I think the time frame to wait before dating is going to be different for everyone.
Did you do your mourning over the marriage before it ended or is it starting afterwards?
How long were you married?
How adaptable are you?
How much do you still hurt?
It's going to be different in each case. For myself, I was only married two years, we never lived together, yet I'm having a hard time getting over him, I keep waiting for the pain to stop. Until I can see someone without comparing them or hurting over my ex, I don't intend to date. I imagine when I do, it will be a gradual thing, perhaps with casual activities or with a group of people.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5