Well, fwiw, you owe it to her family to tell them the truth. They need to know what she is doing - to protect her, themselves, and you from her doing it in the future.

I think her family knows what she's doing already. She may not have had a physical affair with him and maybe she did. I know that it's been going on for a while and I know that her mother knew and her brother because they are so close.

I'm not looking back anymore. I'm sure there will be more crying days for me. This may have just happened for her when she was looking for an old friend to talk with and it became more than a friend. It's all water under the bridge. We are no longer anything in this world. Married or friends we are nothing at this point but to people that need to sign some papers and not interact.

My love for her will always be there, but it will change as hers did for me. Mine will take some time and will be handled in a different manner.

Thanks for everyone's advice on this. I will update everyone when and if she responds to the email that I sent her asking for the 500 for the divorce.

I'm sorry. People that have affairs come with lies and deceit and yes, it hurts tremendously...they are the people we trusted and loved the most. We've all been through it here.
I hope you don't give her any more $ and I'd still expose. Don't protect her. I'm in Oregon, a "no fault" state and they don't take into consideration affairs when awarding divorce cases, but some states do and it can make a difference to custody and monetary awards.

I will keep venting here because it does help to get my thoughts out. My pain today is mainly the pain of losing my best friend and the person that I cherished most in life. It's very sad when thinking of all the laughs that we had and all the good times that we had. I'm sure that's the hardest part everyone. She responded to my email about the divorce by saying that she will pay the 500 for her half of the divorce. She also said that she was sorry for how angry I am with her???? I've done nothing to express anger towards her at all. I think she is referring to the fact that I contacted a lawyer so soon. She wasn't expecting that and I'm sure she is feeling a little guilty with how she's handled this whole situation.

I responded to her email with a simple thanks for sending the checks in the mail. Nothing more nothing less. I think she was looking for a response to the I'm sorry you're so angry with me comment. I think it's time to let her lean on the OM shoulder's now and let her know that she made this decision and now the wheels are in motion. I surely don't want this to happen in anyway shape or form but what choice do I have after all this?? After she has drug this out when she knew good and well she wasn't coming back and still asked for money. I'm really hurt by this, I love her very much and was truly had some major issues that I should have faced during out marriage. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself for those errors in judgment. I just wish that she had the strength to tough it out with me through all this and we could have made it to the other side.

She is now filling the void with someone else and it's a painful painful thought. I know deep down there is someone out there that will take the vows to heart and not check out. I still wish it would be her, but that hope is gone and I have to admit that and try to move forward.

I wish I was still angry with her for how she has handled this and treated me for the past two months. The flip side is that she is still so angry with me because of the neglect I showed her for so long. She has a lot of resentment built up inside her. That hurts as well knowing that she thinks of me that way.

Sorry for the long post, just venting here I think.

Thanks again for everyone being there to help me get through these emotions.

Another rant today. I went to sleep pretty happy and at peace with the whole sitch. When I wake up it's another story completely. I feel alone and longing for that love that my wife showed me and the kiss that I gave her each day I left for work.

Today I'm dealing with a lot of guilt. Guilt of neglecting her physically which drove a wedge into our emotional bond for one another. I've taken full responsibility for that and have expressed that to her. I don't think she has forgiven me for that and that's the main reason that she made the choice to leave and start seeing someone else. I have to forgive myself for that as well I guess. The depression that I was experiencing was completely the reason for this but I didn't get help in time to save my marriage and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I have learned that lesson and will not do that again for any problem that comes up in future relationships.

I also feel that she should have not given up on me or the marriage. That was her choice completely and I have to accept that as well. It hurts to think back on the times when she would tell me how much she loved me and would always be there for me no matter what. That wasn't very long ago. When I was going through the cancer diagnose and surgery she was by my side telling me we could get through this and we will get through whatever is thrown our way. Even when I lost my job in December she was telling me we will get through this without hesitation. I now recognize that she got tired of being the one to carry the relationship and be the strong one for us. Again me dealing with guilt on the matter.

How do I accept and forgive myself for driving this wedge between us? I feel responsible for this situation. I do know that she made a choice and sometime just decided that she couldn't take it anymore or that she didn't want to take it anymore. I remember her saying that I have sucked everything out of her and she had nothing else to give. I'm not sure how to take that but I do understand that depression can do just that if not treated in time. It's like a terminal cancer on the relationship. Eventually if left untreated will take over and kill any love that was there in the relationship. I know this because I've witnessed the destruction first hand.

On the other side I feel if the roles were reversed that I wouldn't have given up. I'm not for certain because I wasn't in her shoes for that amount of time. I just know that I cherished her so much but didn't show her that at all. It sucks that I kept that to myself so much and didn't express it enough to her. I have to find away to deal with these feelings of regret, remorse and guilt. It eats me up inside to feel this way. It keeps me from feeling the anger that I feel I should be feeling to help me to start to move forward and continue with the process of grieving this loss.

I do apologize for these long rants but basically I feel as I'm doing my journaling on these forums with the hope that some of you great people will help me process these emotions and thoughts.

Thank you everyone for your continued support during these times.

That's fog bs. It HAS to be your fault, else she can't live with herself. Tell her to get over herself.

IMO, the only way she'll ever come back is for you to be strong and NOT need her; then she'll see what she's throwing away. Human nature.

Aside from that, good grief! Give yourself a break! Cancer? Depression? Where was her 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health'?

You deserve better treatment than that.

Let go of the guilt. I was a GREAT wife and I got treated BAD! I didn't deserve to be cheated on and dumped and taken for all I had or didn't have. I didn't deserve all the lies. The thing I've learned from this is some people are cheats and liars, and it's not that you caused it, it's that this is how she chose to handle things. She didn't give you a chance to fix anything. Just because there's problems in a marriage, doesn't give them a license to check out of it!

So I went away this weekend to Boston to see my family and throw a surprise b-day party for her 95th. My grandmother loved it, but she was very close to my STBX and she cried on Saturday because she wasn't' there or didn't send her a card. She mentioned her quite a bit over the weekend. It was a very hard time for me as well. I was trying to be strong for my grandmother but it was not something that I could do on a consistent bases at all. We went up there around 4 times and always enjoyed the family and they all loved her as well.

So everyone knew about my cancer surgery, loss of job and pending divorce. So it wasn't something that I could just try and forget for the weekend. Everyone gave me the hug and the I'm sorry to hear about everything that's been going on.

I tell you what everyone, I have been in so much pain this weekend that I thought I was going to go insane from time to time. The pain is so so great and I miss her so damn much! I haven't contacted her since last monday letting her know how much her share of the divorce will be. Last thing she said was I'm sorry you are so angry with me.

Anyway her Mom txted me on Saturday and asked what I was doing. Then when I didn't respond to her she sent another txt letting me know that even though I don't know it right now that I have a special place in her heart. She said for me to kiss my pups and that she missed them. I didn't respond and I'm not taking anything from it. I just have been trying to go NC with everyone from her family and her. I'm just pretty upset about the whole thing and the NC is for me to move on right??? That's what I'm looking for, I want to lose the hope, I think I have actually and know that's its just flat over with. She has skated out of the thing with money and half my **** and a new life.

I need the anger stage!! How long did that take you all to get there? What's the deal with her mom txting me??

I have been trying to move the focus over to me and look towards the future not the past. I'm still very raw with the emotions and trying to work through them.

I have an update and would like some input. I emailed my wife yesterday and asked for the ring back since I still owed my father some money for it and he's unemployed at the moment. She emailed me back and started the email of with Hey Babe. It's just so strange to me that she is still calling me babe. Anyway, she said that she would not give the ring back because it holds too much sentimental value to her and that I gave it to her. She wasn't rude about it all or anything. She also said that it's bad enough that she had to give up me, our house, our life, our puppies and everything else because of the pain she's been through. She said that it's not like me to ask for something like that and that she doesn't see why she would have to give up something so sacred that I gave to her for him.

I then talked with my grandmother and her mother called my grandmother earlier in the day and was crying and saying how she will always love me until the day she dies. She also made a comment saying "I don't know about my daughter right now" I'm guessing she's feeling guilty or doesn't really know why she is doing everything she's doing. Well my STBX called my grandmother later in the same day and was asking a bunch of questions about me like, has he been cooking, his he eating well, did he come to the party this weekend. She broke down while talking with my grandmother and told her that she never wants my grandmother to leave her and that she loves her so much. My grandmother didn't really get into anything with her but was telling her that it's a shame that things are like this right now. STBX was also saying that she hasn't really been working on her new place and that she was really tired from working so much and saying that it was hard.

I'm not sure how to take all of this and I haven't responded to her email. I've wanted to keep NC through all this and maybe things are starting to set in a little with her and her family. Or maybe it's just the guilt seeping through and they are starting to feel bad for things. I do not want to have any false hope from any of this at this point. My thoughts are to not respond and just try to move forward with the divorce. In the back of my head I don't want to let it go if she is feeling any doubts about what she's doing though.

I'd love some advice from anyone on what their thoughts are on what I should do. Stay NC with them after she sent the email? It does seem like a open ended email and not really just slamming the door, I'm confused.

Advice please?

She is still foggy and still thinks the world revolves around her. She will continue, because you DID NOT EXPOSE her and she has SUFFERED NO SHAME.

Of course she won't give up the ring. You are a wuss. Why should she do anything for such a weak POS?

Sorry, but that is how she thinks of you right now. She is flying high, that's why she can grant you the goodness of checking up on you.

Until you get mad, chew the crap out of her for being a witch and a sl&t, she will NEVER give you back the ring or do anything else a decent person would do.