I find myself so angry at the spouses that I cannot give anything useful at all or even mildly helpful. I want all pain to end which to me means to punish the bad spouse. You guys are sophistocated in this and can actually rescue marriages after cheating. This is what she needs now is that kind of advice.

I have to stay with what I know and this is not it. Thanks for correcting me, I appreciate it. The last thing I want to do is add bad or non advice to these people.

Moving is the best for all.

Thanks for the words of kindness. Stella, I really appreciate that you removed whatever it was you thought would be hurtful before I saw it.

H2H and The Road, Yes, moving is best for all. I also realize that is a "salvage" argument. Yes, there will be new things to love and we will have a shot at building a new, better marriage. I was brought up short with the realization of the terrible cost of doing that. I suppose that facing the pain of that cost is a necessary component of healing. I'll let you know if I still think so once I've gotten to the other side of this.

As far as helping DDS15 deal with things, we will see what develops. I wanted to tell him now because we are going to start taking him with us to scout locations and he is going to be missing some school to do that. I wanted him to have 2 weeks to process that and work with his therapist about it before dragging him on an airplane. I was able to remember what it felt like to be scolded for my tears over moving, and how hard it was to suck it up in the face of my mother's attitude that we were all going to decide as a family that this was a grand adventure. So hopefully we will allow DS15 his tears and let him feel things in a healthy way.

Now I am wondering if we should finish out baseball season in LA rather than try to get to a new place for the start of a school year. I'll have to think that one over.

I had what in retrospect was a funny dream last night about the coming visit to one of the cold, dark places we are considering. It turned out to be an Amish colony with limited electricity and children everwhere.(That actual place is not heavily Amish to my knowledge, so I think that was just some creative symbolism working in my head.) Everyone was happy and friendly but I felt out of place and DS15 was distressed in the dream. I also saw a scorpion and caged mice and a giant hamster house in that dream! How strange!

In my dream, the rooms that had some electricity also had beautiful tile work (that reminded me of the sunny mountainous place we are considering.) I wonder if I was trying to tell myself something by my feeling better and lighter in tiled, lighted dream staircases that led to rooms with electricity. Have to ponder that one.

On further reflection, I realized that there was something really healthy about what happened last night.

I didn't trigger. No PTSD. I was just sad. Sad over real hurts, not terrified over anticipated hurts. Sad to see DS15 cry. Sad to be at the Dodger game with Chewie and DS25 and DS15 and think about losing that family activity. Sad to see the beautiful palm trees and city view as we left the game.

But I didn't trigger. I recognized evil for what it was and I felt real grief.

I think that must be progress.

Crys - I want to share a bigger perspective on your imminent move:

Imagine that the stadium - play on the field is your son's life. You're in the dugout with him, living play by play and he just got hurt. Since he's your son, you're feeling the agonizing grief of the injury to him.

Walk up into the stands for a moment with me. Consider that you are about to send your son into a growth opportunity, not depriving him of "his life" in LA. What kind of skills is he going to gain socially, mentally and emotionally out of this move?

Some of that - in fact MOST of that depends on YOU Mamma! When I sent my son into an experience that I dreaded, but I knew would have value for him, I didn't let him see my fear or concern - instead I had my happy face on for him. He's my child, and therefore, my job is to see that he can handle ANYTHING by the time he becomes an adult. ANYTHING! And that means he has opportunities, challenges, pain, disappointments and joy through life. We don't get to choose everything about our lives as adults - we have to learn how to adjust and flex.

So - turn around now that we're in the very tip-top of the stadium and look at your son's life BIG picture. Because of Facebook and other on-line resources, he was able to keep in touch with old friends, but look at the new friends - because YOU MOM - helped him to find the gold in the opportunity. In three years from now, he's adjusting easily to a college campus scene where he easily steps into finding the right kinds of friends because he's done it before. He takes on things with much more confidence than the boy who would have stayed in LA.

Don't impose your pain and grief and disappointment in this situation. And I wouldn't postpone the move - perhaps leave some room for an annual trip back to LA for a Dodgers Game - keep the tradition while you build new ones - it's time to find the gifts in the move.

Let your grief be private from your children; they need your hope and faith right now. The big picture is that the move has all the potential to be a great gift to DS15.

Wanna play pretend?

What if you had told DS15 this same news, saying...

we have to for your father's work...if we don't take the transfer, he'll lose his job...

then you're including your kid on the team...all affected by the move, for the top priority...

which is what you're doing...moving for your top priority...all of you will miss, discover, mourn, hold onto and let go of...together.

Like Kayla says...learning that sadness is healing is one tough lesson...cherishing our children's tears is another...feeling shared with...known...not you in control of his stuff.

Sure have been trained that way, through extraordinary circumstances...and yet, you're going into the unknown, as a family...

towards clean slates...and experiencing how when we act to protect, sometimes we experience pain. Protect your top priority, anyway.

LA

PS I have no doubt you can see how closely these posters and MB hold you...and you're not leaving them behind...they go with you...through it...you ripple. God's at work.

I wanted to let you know that I grew up in Los Angeles and left for the first time when I married my husband 9-1/2 years ago. We have lived in MS, AR, RI, and CA. I have loved every place that we have lived. I come home for visits but will probably never return to Los Angeles to live again. There are too many other great places to live without the traffic. I do miss Dodger dogs though!

I think you could be right. It's nice to have 'normal' concerns and not ones that are A related.
Sending DS15 a and have one yourself

Hi Chrysalis, I don't know if you remember me, but your grace and willingness and determination was a great inspiration to me, thanks again! I'm sorry to see where things went, but if anyone can rise from the ashes again, you can! (((Chrysalis)))

Thanks for all the kind words.

New and LA, you surprised me-- I do not see how I can have been much of an inspiration to anyone. If anything, I think people here must think I am just too weak to stand up for myself properly.

Lil, glad to year your concerns resolved themselves. Crisis averted!

Still, I've lived in many places and while moving was very hard I definitely gained perspective on social and cultural differences that has done me well. You are right that there are wonderful things about every place.

Kayla, I see your perspective about showing leadership to kids in handling challenges. It is just that my own experience of that was to be told I was not allowed to cry over moving because the family was going to make the best of it. My mother did the best she knew how to do, but her approach was not a healthy one. I am absolutely going to validate DS15 in his feelings.

Today's twist of the roller coaster is that I am feeling impatient to have this decided and know how it all turns out. Data gathering has gone on for a very long time.

Chrysalis, it isn't about the stay or go decision, your life is SO much bigger than that. I respect you regardless of what decisions you make.

I just love how you Keep Suiting Up and Showing Up, coming to a place where folks will support you in Plan A as the reality bringer, regardless of what the reality underneath is. This is the one place we all can come and know that folks will call it as they see it, instead of saying what you want to hear! Yes, data gathering has gone on a long time, and I don't know what it is you need to see, but you'll know it when you see it!

New, thanks, that was sweet.

We are ramping up the last of the info gathering. Have trips scheduled for the next 2 weeks-- just one work day each for Chewie but one of them I will stay over a day to check out the area I missed before.

I have been given some contacts in all of the areas we are considering. Yesterday I found out that in the sunny place the wait list for adult special needs services is -- gulp-- 7-13 years. But, the contact cheerily told me, the schools would cover him for the first 7. After that, "hopefully" he'd be off the waitlist.

Right here and now, DS15 is qualified for and receiving services for life. My contact yesterday was shocked at how quickly (a year or 2) we'd gotten services from the first phone call I made.

I still need to ask some pointed questions about the other state. They have excellent school services but I was told the situation is more difficult for adults-- that there is a waitlist and it moves slowly if at all.

Last night, I asked Chewie how I could possibly know that he "gets it." He said that beyond fully accepting responsibility for the terrible situation he has put our family in, and that he did it all, he is not sure what else he is supposed to say.

And I am not sure what I was looking for.

I don't know what I am going to do if it turns out that moving will make it precarious for DS15 to survive as an adult. It is certain that he will need many supports to work or live independently.