I have posted here before: quickly a recap of my situation. WH has had multiple affairs ( and I posted here for the first set of affairs in 2004), this last one started in Feb 2009. To make a very long story short, I have done a very good plan A for the past few months, but I've gone through the roller coaster of him saying it's all done, only to start it up again ( it was a PA, I'm not sure what it is now, but I assume that it is still PA and certainly is EA at this point). He says that he just cannot make a decision either way, and that we never had a real relationship--yes, the usual fog talk.

I have reached the end of my patience with this. I know I have two choices: plan B or plan D. I'm not sure what a plan B would do at this point, since he seems quite happy to just dither in la-la land without making any decisions. And I'm not sure if I really even want this anymore..but we have two small kids (8 and 5) and there is a part of me that still holds out hope that if we can get past this, we could make things work again. Or maybe I'm just being delusional.

We are in IC and MC, and nothing is working--he continues to sit on the fence, and yes, I know I am enabling it. And yes, I have exposed this time (didn't do it the last time--please, those of you reading this, EXPOSE.)--everyone knows exactly what is going on.

He says he is in love, it's his soulmate, and all the usual nonsense. I'm not sure I even have it in me for plan B anymore...I thought we were on the path to recovery a couple of weeks ago, only to find out that he was lying to me about contact. Now I don't believe anything anymore.

ccphoenix, if I were in your shoes, I would do BOTH PLANS, D and B. File for divorce and go into Plan B to remove yourself from his abuse. He does not think you will do anything to ever stop him. He is a cheater, not because of deficiencies in your marriage, but because this is a way of life with him. And you can't change him.

I hope that you have told your children that he is a serial cheater and why cheating is immoral. If you don't give them moral guidance, HE WILL. He will teach them that wrong is right if you allow him.

I know you are right. It's the only way he will learn any consequences..I sure as heck haven't provided that, have I? I just feel like I'm the one who failed, I'm the one who will destroy the kids...but I cannot exist in this world of his anymore.

Mel, I know you are in Texas--I am too (live just south of the DFW metroplex). Any good resources on Texas divorce that you would know...sigh. I can't believe I'm at this place in my life. I guess I have to grow up and deal.

I can't add anything more. Plan B and D.

ccphoenix, I just drove down I-45 through Dallas down to Houston yesterday, so I was just in your neck of the woods! Some Texas divorce pros around here are PrincessMeggy and Charlotte. PM works for an atty in the DFW area, I believe.


Good luck.

thanks for the responses. I admit to being a bit confused on several issues...

1) Plan B and plan D at the same time: doesn't plan B leave the door open, in a sense? Most of the plan B letters that I have seen here say something to the effect that if the WS gives up the affair, they can come home again and work on the marriage....I agree, the separation from all of this mess would be wonderful, but then I'm also filing for divorce, which sounds like a closed door?

Or is the plan D to mainly protect financial assets? that would make sense....

From what everyone has written, I'm not sure this "marriage" ever had a chance....and I'm wondering whether a plan B letter is even appropriate.

Sorry, I'm hurting and not functioning all that well...if someone can jump in here and explain this to me in very simple language :D, that would be wonderful.

and in the realm of really bad things the WS does to you: last night, while getting groceries, I receive a text...from WH...which was supposed to go to OW.

I'm officially at the end of my rope. Any help and advice is so greatly appreciated!

I can't offer any advice. Just sounds so familiar. I'm sorry for you.

You write him a letter stating that you love him but can't live this way any more. You are filing for divorce. If he were ever to get to a point in his life where he could accomplish A, B, and C (you point out your conditions), please let you know and you will consider whether to give him a last chance. Otherwise, it's over.

Is he living elsewhere? If so, make it a full-blown Plan B letter that says he has to do A/B/C to get you back and in the meantime, any communication will be handled through (name your IM); you cannot ever see him again the way things are.

You can always stop a divorce. For that matter, you can always remarry!

But he will NEVER stop hurting you unless you remove him from your life first.

About the contact: do they work together?

Thanks for the response...I think I should rename this thread: more stupid questions about plan B and D!

So here goes:

I get the letter....but doesn't plan B mean that you actually are separated ie--I change the locks, and he leaves? I think I remember reading that the BS should never leave the house. And doesn't plan B mean you should not communicate directly but via an intermediate...

And yet, if I file for divorce, he could potentially get a restraining order that says he can stay in the house...we are both currently staying in the same house. I know that leaving the house is considered abandonment from a legal perspective..and then there are the kids to worry about.

I guess what I am missing here is that plan B and plan D seem to be at odds with each other legally...but then I know nothing about how the legal system works.

And if I am honest, I can also say that I'm not even sure I want to leave the door open anymore. I know this is a marriage building site, and I know that part of my feelings come from some pretty severe pain right now, but truthfully, the plan I REALLY want to do is plan..FU. But I will restrain myself...


You see he hasn't committed either way to OW or to me--he tells me that he is trying to seek some distance from BOTH of us (but if you read my earlier post, he is still texting her, and still living with me and looking to me for emotional support (gag. I'm such a d*** fool) so we know what that's all about...). I presume it is still an A--whether it's E or P, at this point, I just don't care.

No they do not work together...and I have exposed as much as I can think to. She is in the process of divorcing...or that is what I have heard from WH.

Thanks in advance for reading and responding. I just need someone to hold my hand through all of this, I guess.

Does the OWH know about the A? have you spoken to him? Is the story he's hearing from his WW the same that you're hearing from your WH?

PLEASE call her husband today! NOW!

Oh, her husband KNOWS. He called me--he thought I didn't know but I did (this was at the beginning of all of this mess when I was still paralyzed). and yes, the story is the same--and the OWH, poor guy, blames himself for his marriage and thinks that OW had the "right to find someone else"...he isn't willing to fight for it.

Didn't quite know what to say to him at that point.

Your Plan B letter would state you might CONSIDER reconciliation at some future point if he a) ends his affair and b) makes a demonstrated change. It gives no promises, but it buys you some time to get away from him and get a clear head. It allows you to detach emotionally and regain your bearings so it won't be so hard if the D is finalized.

But it also leaves a tiny crack in the door in case he does make major changes you can take a second look. OR NOT.

My suggestion would be to ask him to move out. Tell him his continued affair is too painful and is effecting your mental health. See if he will go quietly in the night.

THEN, once he is out, file divorce and go into Plan B.

I wouldn't bring up any legal action unless you have to but I WOULD recommend calling a GREAT attorney and getting your options. Ask him what it will take to get him out of the house if he won't go. And don't settle for "you can't legally make someone leave, blah, blah..." Tell the attorney you need to know how to make that happen. No one in AMERICA is damned for life to live with their partner.

And you would be well within your rights to do this. But going into Plan B leaves that decision for the FUTURE when you are clearer headed. I would plan for divorce but that can always be stopped if he makes a remarkable DEMONSTRATED change. Otherwise, you go through with the divorce.

When I say change I do not mean TALK either. Almost every WS will talk a boat load of meaningless CRAP and make empty promises, etc. It means nothing. Only ACTIONS count.

CC,

I am a strong proponent of fighting to save marriages. But, not at all costs. Your WH has had 4 affairs? Is that correct? If that is true then why are you debating plan b vs. plan d? With a self-entitled serial cheater such as your WH the only plan that makes sense is PLAN FU!!!!! This guy is clearly never going to respect you. Time for you respect yourself.


Mindshare

Thanks for the responses...Mel that makes a LOT of sense. To be clear headed and rational (words that don't really describe me at all right now!), I would need that distance that plan B would give. And then I can decide without the distractions whether a divorce is the right path.

And yes, believe me, I don't buy anything he SAYS anymore (been fooled WAY too many times because I bought what he said.). Only actions matter now...

Mindshare: I hear you..believe me, plan FU has been on my mind quite a while! But I think I hear finally what people are telling me...plan B is for ME to get my head on straight so I can deal with plan D in the most effective way.

To all, thanks so much. will post more stupid questions as they come to me...:)

Ok, more stupid questions from me:

I thought that I had read somewhere on this site that plan B should be somewhat of a lightning strike--not to warn the WS of what you are doing in case they do silly things with finances, etc.

So it would seem to me that I need to see a lawyer first to make sure that everything is protected, then slap the plan B on him (unannounced), and then file for divorce on my own timeline? does this make sense?

I'm usually not this needy, guys and gals. I'm sorry for all of these idiotic questions.

It has turned so toxic--each day I hear WH moaning about how miserable he is--the only thing that he has done, which shocked me, was finally admit that the affairs were not MY fault, but his. ( I knew this, but never thought I would hear HIM say it). But then he retreated back into the fog, told me I had no right to make ultimatums, etc.

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just need some help on the right way to do it....