anytime!

here is another post i wrote on groping:

Ok, I consider that STALKING and it is a huge turn off to me. I HATE BEING GROPED. I hate being groped so much that I was becoming sexually averse to my H because I began to associate every touch with the bad feelings I got from groping. That kind of behavior might please you, but it may not please HER. She may just be TOLERATING THAT and not saying anything. (big no-no to her!)

This is why it is important to find out FOR SURE what she likes and meet her needs in the way SHE WANTS, not in the way you want. Additionally, you would want to take the lovebusters questionaires to flush out lovebusters.

In addition to this, it is important for you both to be honest about behavior that annoys you. That gives you both a chance to stop that behavior. Complaints are good for a marriage!

Thanks for bumping this. My H is a groper too and I've tried a lot of different ways to tell him I don't like it but he gets personally insulted each time. He says I make him hot and that's how he shows it and it's obvious to him I don't feel the same way about him, so.....forget it, he'll never grope me again. (sigh of relief from me)---till the next time when he gropes.

I've not had the groping conversation with him since learning more about MB but since he's not on board MB at this time, I have no clue how to go about it.

Dr. Gary Chapman is known for his "Five Languages of Love" theory. And there's no question that my love language is touch. Since we first started dating, holding hands and other physical touches are commonplace for us.

And yes, I give her a butt pinch every once in a while and tell her how hot and sexy she is, how beautiful she is, how much I love her, etc. Or I just touch her shoulder, hand, arm, whatever. That makes me feel connected with her more than any other thing.

This is the first time I've seen this thread, since it was begun right before I thankfully discovered this web site. The word "grope" bothers me, since it's such a loaded term, and no definition was given. Every woman seems to have a different definition and that's made the back-and-forth so, er, lively.

Each hubby has to figure out what works, and each wife the same. If this isn't the poster-child for what POJA really is all about, I don't know what is.

Thanks for bumping this discussion!

In other words, we're all groping for a solution that will make everyone happy!!!

Groping means to grab a woman's private parts. In the absence of affection, it feels like an ASSAULT. I would much prefer that my H do his groping on a BLOW UP doll rather than annoy me with it. I dislike being PAWED.

Truth be told, I CRINGE when he walks by me.

By that definition, no problem. That's not appropriate. I don't do that. Well, usually not. She has a very big purse, and it hurts. A lot. Doing a sinkfull of dishes is usually considered an appropriate apology.

That cuts down on it. Trust me.

haha SO I looked at Duckie and asked him.....Honey the girls want to know why you grope me?

His response was: Men do it because were easily amused

the next was: We like squishy things

*sigh* i hate bladder infections when duckie makes me laugh.

I don't know how I missed this thread before!

Mel, I grope because I want her to know that she is sexy. She has complained and I have tried to adjust. When she returns the compliment, I gotta say that a woman's long fingernails are NOT polite on a gentleman's private parts.

My grope's have now become gentle kisses on the neck and back.

I hate to admit it, but I like being groped by my husband. I like that he wants to paw me and is home where he belongs to do it. I usually grope him back because I like him and his toys. I'll take a groping husband over an absent husband any day or night of the week!

My goodness what an emotional roller coast this one is.

Some of it was funny.

Some of it made me angry. It always makes me angry when men don't treat their wives like they should. Then I see that maybe I'm guilty of "groping", that it makes my wife upset, and then I'm angry at me. Which then deteriorates into sadness and frustration.

I don't know if this will make sense, here's why I "grope" as best as I can make sense of it and explain it.

Early on in our marriage, "groping" was how we each communicated our desire to make love to each other. So for me, groping is a way of saying, "I want to make love to you." "You're sexy" "I love you". Back then, she seemed to appreciate it -- seemed to like that I found her attractive in that way.

I like how Mrs Wondering explained it:
Sex is one way for me to connect with my wife emotionally so deeply, and I "grope" to say that I want that connection with her.

Over the last few years our sex life has dropped to zero. I came to MB in part to see what I can do to resurrect it. I see a lot of things I'm doing wrong (groping, too, maybe???).

For the record, I've always know that sex starts in the kitchen, that I need to show affection in multiple ways, so I have tried as best I know how (probably not enough) to show affection in lots of ways, in ways she likes. I really feel that we have a good, strong relationship -- she just doesn't desire sex.

Perhaps another way to gain insight into why I grope: what would it take to get me to stop. My first response when I tought of this was something like shinethrough said: Basically, it could mean "giving up" on the intimate marriage relationship we want and trading it for a "roommate" type relationship. That would make me sad! (Excuse me for a minute, I need a Kleenex).

Ok, does groping only include touching? Sometimes I make little "off-color" comments ("if you're so hot, maybe you ought to wear less" kind of thing), and that seems to create a similar response ("roll eyes, that's how you are" kind of things). Her response seems the same as to "innappropriate touching" she doesn't want it. So am I not allowed any kind of sexual desire or expression of that sexual desire? What is the distinction between "expressing sexual desire" and "groping"?? I do not know that I can stop "groping" as long as I "desire" her, and the only scenario I've come up with to "quench" that desire is if I didn't love her like I do, but I can't imagine myself without her and... (excuse me again, I need another box of Kleenex's)

Ok, so, I guess what I would really need is some "alternative" to "groping" to express this desire. But I don't know how, so it scares the bejeebers out of me, because I'm afraid of what happens if I fail. Part of what I hope to get from MB is a strategy that will allow me to learn how to express my love to my wife without LB$ withdrawals.

So, "Groping" is motivated by my deep and abiding love for you. As noted, one of the most profound ways I show that love is sexually. Summarily rejecting these advances goes into my heart, mind and soul, and is processed as a rejection of me and my love for you, which hurts (while you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it). But, nothing hurts me more than when I hurt you, so I will change if needed ("I am a man. But I can change,... If I have to,... I guess" Red Green Show). But you've got to realize I'm scared to death that if I stop "groping" I will lose my only means of communicating my desire to make love to you, which may lead to my losing my love for you. So, you've got to help me, teach me, and show me how I can express this desire in a way that is positive for you. And please find it some where in your heart to appreciate it when I do express my sexual desire, because it is so important for me to feel close to you.

(hoooonkkkk)...ok, I'm really ok. I wish I had seen this thread sooner. In a lot of ways, it hits on what I was looking for with the "sexual objectification" thread I started in the EN forum: trying to understand how to be "sexual" without "groping". Or if everything I do or say has the potential to come across as "groping". What distinguishes "groping" from acceptable sexual desire?

I'm reminded of a conversation I overheard between two sisters. They were both post-menopausal, and had been married for decades, seemed like good marriages, etc. The one sister, talking about hot flashes said that her husband would comment about taking her clothes off if it was so uncomfortable. The other sister responded that that sounded like something her husband would say. My thought at the time was, what is wrong with that? It isn't like you are being propositioned by a stranger, or in public. This is a sexually loaded comment from the man who has shared your bed for 30+ years, you've raised children with him, he loves you love him. As a man, I don't understand the resentment this kind of statement seems to generate.

Perhaps it risks making this a "man vs woman" battle of the sexes kind of thing, but part of me wants to flip this question on its head: Why do some women so resent and despise "groping" (in the context of a loving, committed relationship)?

(I hope at least some of this makes sense.)

So it's not groping if there's affection associated with it? I can appreciate that basic statement. Let me ask this: how would/does your H get his "groping" to be associated with affection? Do you really think an appropriate amount of affection would be all it would take? As I just noted, sometimes I feel like, no matter how affectionate I was non-sexually, it would still come across as "groping"

I know I'm late to the party here, a nearly 6 month old thread.

But look at this from his POV. Your doing the dishes and he wants to make love.

You just turned down making love because you have dishes to do.

What message did you just send? That dishes are more important, or more appealing than making love.

I'd be worried if he WASN'T upset that you didn't want to stop doing dishes.

The day that such a rejection is accepted by him without a whimper is the day you've totally alienated your husband.
OK, then make a counterproposal. Instead of just saying no, why not tell him to turn on the romance, prepare the bedroom, something. Instead of saying no, be crystal clear what steps would lead to an enthusiastic yes. At the very least, you can put him on that task while you finish the all consuming dishes.

Why just her clock. What if his clock is screaming NOW, I want my wife NOW?

I'm not arguing against affection. But I am arguing for carnal lust from time to time.

That sure sounds better than doing dishes.

Yep, there is a difference. It's not an I'm right he's wrong, or vice-versa. It takes balance.

So while it may be OK for some to find doing dishes more appealing than SF, I'll never understand such folks.

Those who don't understand them are going to feel pretty insignificant when the dishes take priority over SF.

I'm not so sure. I've yet to see anyone who says they want affection everyday mention that they were taking seriously their husbands desire for SF and meeting that need once or more daily.

Until I see that sort of pro-active meeting of needs, instead of the more common, "I would want SF if my husband were more affectionate." that I see here, I'd agree that those folks are really understanding Dr H's principles here.

Most folks I see are all about getting their own needs met, but have well rehearsed excuses regarding why they LB and why they cannot or will not enthusiastically meet their spouses needs.

+1, OM wasn't there when my WW had her children. He didn't support her when she was a SAHM, etc.

Anytime I hear a WW complaining about how their husband failed to do this or that, I'm wondering what they were failing to do for their husbands, and how they are doing on eliminating LB's.

But I seldom here that from most WW's. There are exceptions here, those who truly get MB, and understand it's more about meeting your spouses needs and eliminating your LB's than it is complaining about what a failure your spouse is.

Here I am!

That's one, out of how many thousands or tens of thousands registered here?

BTW, good for you. I do hope he's learning to meet your needs as well.

Add me to that list, EE. But even if it did have anything to do with it, it doesnt matter. If groping is a lovebuster it should stop if the spouse wants that need met. Lovebusting will not help the situation, but will aggravate it.

My DH's top emotional needs:

Recreational companionship
SF
Admiration
H&O
Attractive Spouse
Family committment

From my Husbands Emotional Needs Workbook, page 64

B. Evaulation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse's sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate number. [range is -3 to +3]

my husband wrote:

+3 I am extremely satisfied

From Mels workbook, Lovebusters questionaire, pg 58

4 Annoying Habits. Behavior repeated by your spouse without much thought that bothers you.

D. Form of annoying habit that causes you the greatest unhappiness:

GROPING

Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience when your spouse engages in annoying habits: [0 - 6 I experience extreme unhappiness]

RATED: 3 I experience moderate unhappiness

ElightenedEx, I have no doubt in some cases this annoying habit might be triggered by a failure to meet the SF need but it is not in my case. Nor is it the TICKET to getting the SF EN met. If groping is a lovebuster [and it is to me] then that practice is going to RESULT in LESS SF, not more, since it erodes intimacy.

When my H lovebusts me, it pushes me away and makes me feel LESS intimate with him. When my H gropes, I want to SLAP him, not have SF with him. Having SF under those conditions would make it worse, because I would then associate the resentment with SF.

To put it simply, if a man is groping and it is a lovebuster to his wife, it is a stupid strategy that will result in LESS SEX, not more. Destroying her lovebank balance is going to make her feel LESS INTIMATE, not more. And a woman must feel emotionally connected to a man to enjoy sex.

Here is what Dr. Harley wrote on the Emotional Needs board:


here

I like it when my H gropes me. He never use to until I told him I like it. I asked him today why he does it and his response was "it's a security thing - if I grope you and you let me, then I know I'm in like flynn."

I can understand that it can be a LB for women that don't like it. I wouldn't like groping in public and my H doesn't do it in public.

GG