It has been almost a month since I posted on this site. The last month has been awful. All self inflicted. I have created new heartache for my goldpig22 and can't believe that he hasn't contacted the divorce attorney, which he has every right to do. No, I have not had contact with OM but it is just as bad if not worse... dishonesty.

Dear goldpig22,

366 days ago was d-day #1. Isn't it sad that I have to put d-day #1 in stead of just saying d-day. I wish I could say that but I have not been strong and I have been selfish and have thought that recovery meant me doing what I thought was enough, not what you thought or professionals, or anyone on this website. We have now had so many d-days that I have lost count. I can't say d-day #4 like on my signature line but it should say... "I have decided to murder my husband daily with lies and deceit and only I know how fix things". What a load of crap that is. As of today, you no longer believe anything that comes out of my mouth. Understandable. I do not deserve to be trusted. At all. I don't deserve your love. You are too good for me. You have asked me to do things in our recovery and yes I have done them but only just enough to make me feel like I have done something. I have not done any of the major steps that you have asked of me. Radical honesty. Why is that so difficult to do for me. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of how tarnished and decayed I will look to myself? I don't understand why I find it so hard. February 8, 2008 was the day that I completely removed any boundaries that I possibly had in life and started a PA with another man. What a disgrace. And I let that PA continue till 3-26-08 because I thought that another man could make me happier then you and meet needs that you weren't meeting. How wrong was I! What did happen is I was used by that OM treat me worse then you had ever done. I let myself just be a piece of meat for another man. I have never done that and can't understand why I would let it happen. What else I did was blame you for what I was doing. I blamed you entirely for my behaviors because then I had some justification for my actions. I couldn't blame myself... no way! It was all your fault and no one elses. Again, what a load of crap. What I have learned in the last 366 days is that everything that happened is my fault and that you are not to blame for me CHOOSING to have an A. You didn't CHOOSE that for me. Who in their right mind would ever CHOOSE for their spouse to have an A??? NO ONE!!!! You say to me often that I haven't learned anything but in my defense, I have learned that I am to blame and not you. I in no way still blame you for me choosing this path. And it makes me sick that I put US on this path not just me. Don't get me wrong, I am sick that I am on this path but in a marriage, it isn't I it's WE and I have acted like it's "I" for too long.

What adds to this mess is that I have chosen not only to be dishonest about the PA that started 2-8-08 but also about the EA/PA that started with a completely different man towards the end of march 2008. It has become apparent to me in the last 2 days that I have not had boundaries for at least 18 months because this man and I became friends and began that friendship by talking about the problems in each others marriages. Sick, he was a married man. I felt it was okay to talk to another man about us. What was I thinking. I thought because he knew what I was going through because of problems in his own marriage that it was nice to have someone to talk to. No, the only person that I should have been talking to is YOU! We continued to talk via text and the conversations about marriage led to flirtacious texts. I was comfortable talking to him. I was getting that EN of conversation met. It felt good. Then on 3-27-08 after he showed up at the gym while I was working out, we met at a bar not far from the gym, had a few drinks and on our way out to our cars, we kissed. It was a very platonic kiss. I am trying to describe this kiss the best way I can. It was not a passionate, heated kiss but a peck. Yes, I understand, that line was crossed to PA. We said goodnight and left. I came home to OUR house and immediately felt guilty because there you were, waiting for me. You had been gone all week for work and you wanted to see me and I was off starting another A. I felt sick. But not sick enough to stop it. We continue to text, alot. Lots and lots of texts. We never talked on the phone, just texted. We texted about marriage, work, flirting. Then, right before our anniversary, our first anniversary, he texted me and said that he was having a really bad night and that he needed to talk to someone and asked if he could come over to my apartment. (Yep, you heard me right, my apartment. I had left my husband, not to have my affairs but because I believed I was insane and that I was poisoning you being around you. Not only was I spiraling out of control but I was watching you spiral out of control. Only now do I realize that it was because of me. I made you this way. I put you into hell and I have been keeping you there with my foot on your head holding you down.) I told him he could come over and we could talk and I gave him directions to get there. He got there, came in, we sat on the couch and he talked about his marriage and I talked about mine. Again, why was I talking to him when all I had to do was pick up the phone and call you. You were desperate to talk to me and I kept you at arms length. We talked for about an hour and then I told him it was getting late and that he better head out because I had to work in the morning. As he left, again we kissed. Again, the kiss was not passionate or romantic or even sexual but still a kiss with another man. After that, our texted to each other continually increased in number and the flirting was continuous.

We decided to go away for anniversary and I took that opportunity to actually and FINALLY look at myself in the mirror and want to be in my marriage and work on my marriage. How many lies there were mixed into the foundation but I wanted to just put cement on those and move forward. I texted him and told him that we were going out of town for the weekend and that we were going to go and work on our marriage. He replied that it was probably a good thing. I saw him once since then because of work but there was nothing flirtacious or even emotionally involved between us at that time. Both of us were working on our marriages and excited that they were moving forward. The boundaries were still down because I divulged that info to him. That was at least 6 months ago. I had NC with him until monday night.

What happened monday night... goldpig22 was researching my phone records from 4-08 and discovered numerous texts to this strange number. I had not told him about the 2nd A. I had chosen to keep that from him because again, what he didn't know won't hurt him. As soon as I brought up that record I immediately remembered who the number belonged to and had to tell gp about the 2nd A. Talk about heart ripping/murdering all over again. He told me to tell him everything that happened and until yesterday I with-held info again. But yesterday, I started to realize that if this marriage has any chance, then I have to tell him the truth. Actually, even if it doesn't have a chance, he still deserves to know what happened. I told him at 1150am yesterday the full story of A #2. He met with the OM, OM friend, and OMW yesterday at lunch and OM confirmed what I said. Actually, I was I was 100% honest with the info and OM I think chose to only tell his wife little details.

So, here we are. 366 days of dishonesty. I don't expect you to trust me. Actually, I wonder if you will ever trust me again. I sure as h--l don't expect it. I hope that some day I can earn it. I do wonder why you still love me. I wonder if this trial separation that we are trying is going to work and if it is going to lead to a "real" separation. You often state that you don't think that I can do all that needs to be done to recover this marriage. To be honest, sometimes I wonder too. I wonder if I can and know what all needs to be done. Boundaries, transparency, radical honesty. Why do these steps seem so hard. Well, the transparency isn't hard, I could care less if you have all of my info. But that is not enough.

In the last few months we both have made whoppnig mistakes. Too many to count. But I truly believe that the mistakes that have been made have been my fault. I am calling the polygraph tester tomorrow to set that up. I have a great idea of the questions you still have and wonder if I am being honest that I am confident that I can submit a good list of questions. I want this marriage, I truly do.

You asked me last night, "what do we have left to save and fight for?" I responded... "at one time, we really loved each other." I want that back. I want us back. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I miss my confident, sarcastic husband. I know that it is your choice if you want me. I just hope that I can do what it takes for you to see that I want you.

I love you - more then I will ever be able to show you, tell you, explain... lindz0225

Please just stop torturing this poor baztard and leave him alone.

WTF is wrong with you?

Do you have any heart?

Lindz,

Take some time and think over your entire past, let him know everything, don't leave out anything that might be relevant to his processing your history and how it relates to the present.

God Bless
NJ

What is this, D-Day #5 or #6? At this point I would just warn goldpig to rememeber that talk is CHEAP. REAL CHEAP.

Words have no meaning here. Watch your back, goldpig, there may be much more that you haven't caught yet.

Well, this certainly explain Lindz's polygraph thread.

AM

I was thinking the same thing.

Lindz, if your H can get past this, I'm putting him up for canonization. It's asking a LOT.

This is sort of deja vu-ish for me. Something similar happened to me 5 weeks post Dday. It wasn't 1 year later and the chain of events were different, but it was still another WTF courtesy of my H. The discovery of another OW (sort of) fell into my lap or rather blew up in my face.

lindz stop torturing this man. You are destroying him. One day he's not going to care about you at all and then you will see the true rage of a BS. When that happens, God help you.

You don't deserve him. Why should he give you a seventh chance?

Do not believe a word this woman spews goldpig22.

Get that paternity test done ASAP. File for D.

If she's truly repentant you can always remarry her.

Who are you talking to? Thought this was a letter to goldpig.

Oops. Seems you're posturing... again.

Umm...as a BS who has had to endure 4 affairs..the scary thing is that my WH writes the SAME KINDS OF LETTERS TO ME.

It's all about you, isn't it? Just like it is all about WH.

I should leave...feeling many triggers and getting VERY mad.

I was thinking the same thing. Just like Muted Sparkle, she's playing to the MB crowd, lying to herself and everybody else.

I'm waiting for the paternity test results.

Lindz,

You were advised to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So now you want to tell the truth after not following that advise, hiding another affair from GP and lying to us and to him about how honest and truthful you have become.

And now GP and all of us should believe you.

Deja moo again...

I know I have heard this bull before...

Want help fixing whatever is broken inside of YOU? Maybe some of us can help. Want help scamming your way to the next D-day? Leave us out of it.

Which way do you want to go?

Mark

You're right, I don't deserve him. Absolutely don't. I only hope and pray that he can forgive me someday for the awful things that I have done to him and how I manipulated him. Why should he give me a 7th chance... I have no answer for that. All I can say is that I am human and have made multiple mistakes and I am hoping to be forgiven someday for them.

"WTF is wrong with me..." I wish I knew the answer to that. What I can say is that I am human and humans make mistakes. No one is perfect. Do I have a heart... sometimes I wonder because if I had a heart, a good heart, I would have never done anything like this.

You're right. It is a matter of deciding to be decent and honorable/honest person. Absolutely correct. I have never chosen to do that. I never looked into myself and I never decided that I needed to put my foot forward and make those changes. GP said to me yesterday that "he can't make me be honest". He's right, only I can make myself be honest.

lindtz, these were not mistakes. These were deliberately cruel choices on your part. You did not "mistakenly" commit numerous acts of adultery and lie about them. That was not a mistake. Nor is "being human" an excuse for cruelty and selfishness.

Nor did you do this because you are "human." We are all human, we do not all choose to destroy others in pursuit of our self degradation.

If being "human" is your excuse for such cruelty, then your H is doomed, isn't he? Because you will always "be human." You can't change that. But you can change your BEHAVIOR.

The first step is to be honest about what you have done and that is sure not demonstrated here.